Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sunday Morning Sermon from Dillinger Flaikwaiter

Sunday Morning Sermon from Dillinger Flaikwaiter

So what's up, Kiddos? I have been considering a conversation with God. I admit to being more Elmer Gantry than a true and honest man of God, amen? There are so many questions now that I have a direct line to the Lord Almighty. I have been having intermittent chats with his son. Asked him why he did not ride his pink Caddy on the road to Jerusalem to which he replied, "You are really not only a casual believer Dillinger but incredibly dumb. I had not invented the Caddy as yet, nor the color pink. You think Salome danced with pink veils, you idiot bastardo?" Not much I could say to that, but what the hell, amen and amen.

So, as usual the conversation strove its diligent way back to that old standard-free will and love. I admit that free will and love are his two strongest commitments to his creations via daddy, right?

Consider these great gifts and what we would be without them. Or do you believe that free will was/is His way of playing His little practical joke on His failures? I said this to Jesus-he chuckled, waved his arms high to his daddy and caused another 30 or 40 thousand kids to starve to death on the spot. His only reaction was ‘oops!’ This brings me to the excuse of free will. The kids died. According to the Lord Jesus Christ almighty forever and ever and all that crap it is our fault because we have free will and they do not have to starve to death-that is-other than the occasional arm raising oops, right? So we are indeed his failures as is Lucy-better known to you all as Lucifer, the dark but sexually stimulating beautiful downed angel. Now, there is another conundrum, right? Why did God create him/her? Did He do that to spite Himself or as an excuse in case He fucked us up, which as we all know, He did, right? Amen and amen!

New paragraph----see this is what it is all about really as far as I can see it. New Paragraphs! He can mess up as often as He wishes and that is that and it does not matter because He can keep practicing, right? Get it right forever trying. The God that tries gets it right eventually. Well for the creations of eventually that might be, no, damn that would be nice. Would not mind being around just to see that, but, then again we/us might, you never know. Amen?

Ignoring all of the above, which is just human falderal, the Sunday Sermon is about love and free will. I love free will! It gives me the opportunity to prove the Lord God Almighty wrong which is fun as He cannot be wrong, deduced from all the bible tales, right? He just cannot be. I wonder if He is bored? Can God be eternally bored? Now that would be hotter than the fires of Hell would it not be? Amen.

I tell you, children, that love is free will. Make sense? Hell no, it does not. It is a stupid statement as is all of the above, right and amen? We are the captured slaves of an eternal Rigoletto who plays a tune on his hump. That makes us think that love and free will are the greatest gifts of heaven which they are/not? See, we/you are confused. You do not reach into your pocket to love the Lord but for fear of the consequences which are not, have never been nor ever will be. It is the Lord God's way which is wondrous and not understandable which is perfectly normal, amen? Just imagine if the Lord spoke to us not in parables-maybe that was his son-yeah it was. If we just got nice direct commandments other than the ten not able to follow ones, the main effort being to follow them which is the way He explained it to me, but that is another sermon so on with the motely. Like I said-straight talk-no ‘I wonders’-just straight ‘hey, Dillinger, here is the way. Now go do as I say’. Rhymes right?

Take love and free will and do with them what you will, for we have no choice and we have no free will for genetically-another little joke played on us-we have no choices. Intellectually, of course, we do but our genes put our intellect in the crapper which is sad and again another sermon.

So pull out your wallets and pull out your souls and give to the Lord Almighty for it makes you less sore and afraid, right? Me? I will pour me four and wait for it. What other choice do I have, or maybe?
Your pastor of love and free will-Father Dillinger-love ya, kiddos

Saturday, January 30, 2010



It’s Saturday, which will now be known as Artsy-Fartsy Fluff Crap Day on the BlogAssSphere.

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Singer Roy Orbison gets his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. WTF? He didn’t have one yet? What the hell were they fucking waiting for?

DATELINE: NEW YORK – CBS announced that the series Ugly Betty will be cancelled. This has been on every fucking news channel. People, there are people still starving and dying in Haiti, there is a war on, cars are being recalled faster than a monkey can pick fucking nits off his nuts and we are supposed to give a shit about Ugly Betty being cancelled?

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – Tinto Brass, director of Caligula, has announced his plans for the first 3-D porn movie. Now THIS is something to dig your teeth into. It is rumoured that it will be a remake or reworking of Caligula. Can’t wait till the Pope hears about this one!

DATELINE: CANADA – Today is Hockey Day in Canada, so it is hockey, hockey, fucking hockey on all day, on all news channels, because, apparently, I am supposed to fucking love the sport. Too bad no one asked me. I could think of a whole lot of better ways to spend a Saturday than freezing my fucking ass off watching people play with their pucks. If I didn’t have a satellite dish before, I would be getting one just for today, because NO ONE can handle that much Don Cherry.

DATELINE: NEW YORK – CBS has announced that it will not air a commercial for a gay dating service during the Superbowl. We can have commercials about fucking Happy Periods, yeast infection treatments and little blue pills that make people sit in fucking bathtubs in the middle of fucking nowhere, and then spend the rest of their days dancing down the streets, supposedly because they got lucky last night. Thank you, broadcaster marketing dudes, for the moral compass you provide.

DATELINE: SAN DIEGO – A school pulled their Merriam-Webster dictionaries because of a complaint about ‘sexually explicit content’. Holy crap! A dictionary! The complaint was about the entry ‘oral sex’. They are fucking words, people! It is a means of educating and informing. You want to take the offensive words out of the fucking dictionary start with all those related to politics and organized religion... at least that would be a fucking start. That we have such raving fucking idiots in control of children and their education boggles the fucking mind.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – It has been revealed that Senator John Edwards made tapes of his sexual rompings, some of them in his own home but not with his wife. Apparently Bill Clinton is his idol. He would have been so much fucking fun in the White House! His wife, Elizabeth, bless that woman’s soul, has finally filed for separation. If there is anyone who should be nominated for sainthood, it should be Elizabeth Edwards, because she has gracefully dealt with all this crap that her husband has dished out, has focused on her children, and has not once lowered herself to her husband’s unbelievably low disgusting smarmy level.

DATELINE: MISSISSIPPI – Tiger Woods wife, Elin, has been seen in the area, supposedly helping her man through intensive treatment for sex addiction. I hope she has a fucking caddy along so this time, when he fucks up again in this charade of a public relations stunt, she doesn’t miss.

Friday, January 29, 2010



DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – Prime Minister Harper delivered his keynote address – to an almost empty fucking room. Then he was on a panel discussing bank regulation and in his typical arrogant up-yer-ass way argued the case for the banks and Canadian regulation of them, he soundly had his ass returned to him on a platter by Prime Minister Calderon. The words didn’t fucking matter a damn though, not nearly as much as the totally petulant pouty grade-school face on the Canadian Prime Minister, that someone would fucking dare to challenge HIS word. People, wake up... the G8 is seeing this man for what he is: nothing more than a fucking schoolyard bully with a 12-year-old mentality. Harper will go down in history as the second-most-notable fucking disappointment in Canadian politics, pretty big position considering the other runners (Mulroney and Cretien topping the fucking list). The only bigger disappointment is that willow-in-the-wind muppet-smiling idiot Ignatief, who despite having the political world at his fingertips still has not figured out what the fuck to do with it. Note to the Liberal Party of Canada – GET A LEADER WITH BOTH BRAINS AND BALLS AND LETS GET THIS FUCKING COUNTRY BACK ON TRACK.

DATELINE: TORONTO – The Canadian National Institute for the Blind will have to stop its literacy program for lack of funds. This is an organization that converts literature to brail for distribution to those visually challenged across the country. Glad we have a prorogued Parliament so these real fucking issues don’t waste the time of all you terribly erudite fucking elected officials. Thank you again Mr. Harper, for taking care of the people of this country.

DATELINE: DETROIT – or wherever the hell Honda’s are built – A new auto recall to announce, because we just don’t have enough of them right now. Honda is recalling some of their vehicles because of a faulty switch that could cause a fire in the car.

I can’t wait to hear the fucking economic analysts now explaining, like they have with Toyota, that this will just be a little blip, just like Tylenol and toys with lead paint in them. HELLO????? My bottle of Tylenol cost me $3 and would last about a month (less when Parliament is in session up here, because we all know there is nothing better for a headache than to follow fucking politics). My Toyota that I bought last year cost a hell of a lot more than $3 and should last more than a month. Wake up, assholes, and quit blowing corporate smoke up the consumer’s ass.

DATELINE:WASHINGTON – Bin Laden has released a new tape blaming Obama and all countries that did not sign on to the Koyoto Accord for global warming. He has called for a boycott of American products ‘to free humanity from slavery’. It’s a pretty sad fucking day when Bin Laden feels he can take the high road and spew human rights rhetoric at the rest of the world. I am not saying he is wrong – he could well have a valid point. It’s just that, well, considering the fucking source for the complaint, it is nothing more than a joke. Apparently bomb dropping, plane crashing and terrorism allows him to be a moral compass for the rest of us. I think he has been spending too much time puffing on the fucking poppies they beat people into growing.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is testifying before their Iraq Commission. If this is like any Canadian Commission, the government will stop it before it gets any fucking answers and it will all be nothing more than a fucking waste of time. That said, Mr. Blair is totally fucking hawt, and I am sure he has no sweat glands.

Thursday, January 28, 2010



– Last night was the ‘first’ Obama State of the Union address... because last year’s doesn’t fucking count I guess? Lots of bipartisan blah blah blah about ‘the other guy’. Okay, to be honest, it was just a lot of blah blah blah and the whole thing would have been a fucking waste of time had it not been for Nancy Pelosi. I laughed my fucking ass off at her. Holy Crap! She was up and down like there was a fucking cattle prod in her chair. Too bad I couldn’t have been the one pressing the button to get her to stand at the right time. That would have been too fucking great.

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – iPad? Are you shitting me? iPad. A million fucking dollars worth of suits around a table, obviously not one of them female, and they come up with iPad? They are going to revolutionize the writing world with iPad? Come on! I know a lot of writers. They are sick bastardo’s for the most part... and now they will be spending their time on that big bulky step back to the dinosaurs, looking on the keyboard for a fucking ‘happy period’. Women of the world unite. Let’s go back into that boardroom with those million dollar suits and shove their fucking iPad’s where it will take an iDoctor with a long iDigit to get it out. The least they could have done was made it small enough so it would fit in a fucking purse.

DATELINE: DETROIT – Ford Motors announces its first profits since 2005. I am not a rocket scientists, but seriously, after the bailouts, Chev stepping in shit everytime it moves and now Toyota and their little gas pedal problem they don’t know how to fix, how the fuck could Ford miss?

DATELINE: FRANCE – Sarkozy made one hell of a rip-roaring speech to kick off whatever the fuck conference they are having there, that really amounts to a bunch of politicians on a fucking holiday at our expense. He slammed capitalism, he slammed banks and big bonuses and blamed the world’s economic problems on everyone but the fucking politicians and their greed. He may have hit on a few valid fucking points but then... he suggested the world focus on getting back to true democracy. Democracy? This from the guy who wants to forbid burka’s? Mon Dieu! Vive le stupidity!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Daily News - January 27th, 2010

Daily News – January 27th, 2010

DATELINE: ROME – A new book out reveals that Pope John Paul II whipped himself and slept on the floor as a means of bring himself ‘closer to Christian perfection’. The current pope says that it is because of these ‘heroic deeds’ the past pontiff is being fast tracked to sainthood. Homeless and abused people rejoice. You too will be fucking fast-tracked to sainthood. Let that satisfy your bruises and hungry bellies.

DATELINE: NEW ZEALAND – A German man has been sentenced for trying to sneak fucking lizards and skinks out of the country. He had 44 of the suckers, half of them preggers, in his goddamned underwear (obviously NOT a thong). Holy Crap! That was an expensive jolly. Next time, Sugar britches, just put your phone on vibrate before sticking that down your y-fronts, and leave the poor lizards alone. At least he didn't sit down on the poor little buggers.

DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Toyota has shut down production, closed dealerships and recalled thousand of their vehicles. The problem – a sticky fucking gas-pedal. I will be trying this one next time I have to appear before a judge, and Toyota can pay the speeding ticket. Seriously, none of them have a big enough back seat for any fun anyways. All you Bimmer dealers, roll out the fucking red carpet, cause you now own the market. Opportunity is knocking at your door like a fucking SWAT team at a crack house, so don’t be like fucking idiot Canadian politicians and just stand there with stupid looks on yer faces – open the damned door!

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – The new Apple tablet is about to be unveiled today. I prefer damned capsules, myself... a whole lot easier on the fucking digestion system.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – It’s State of the Union Day. Let me save you a whole lot of fucking time: yes, there is still a war, yes, the economy is still in the fucking crapper, yes, the debt is ballooning like fucking Sylvester the cat in a SCUBA suit. God bless America.

DATELINE: IRAQ – The Baghdad Sports Stadium is getting ready to reopen. Saddam’s son, Hands-Up Hussein, had been in charge of the fucking thing, overseeing all sports and Olympic teams for the country. His favourite event – the blindfolded javelin catch. Ya gotta love a son of a bitch who believes the way to motive his athletes is to rip out their fingernails and smash their legs if they don’t run fast enough.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


DAILY NEWS – January 26th, 2010

DATELINE: HAITI – John Travolta grabbed the headlines today, and rightfully fucking so. Apart being totally delicious, the man flew his personal jet – not one of those little chicken shit things that so many rich people like to fucking flaunt; we’re talking the whole big fucking jet! – to deliver aid to Haitians. Not only did he bring in 4 tons of food, medical supplies and 50 doctors and healthcare workers, but as soon as everything was unloaded, he picked up a plane load of people to take them back home to the US. No fuss, no muss, he just got the damned job done, and he looked fucking hawt doing it. In light of all my more than justified carping about the fucking glamour gang, I now recant, and offer this. This is BIG so pay fucking attention so I don’t have to say it twice.

In honour of the wonderful work done by John Oh-Baby-You-Got-It-Happening Travolta and his beautiful wife Kelly Preston (yeah, she gets forgotten too often by the fucking normal media, but we know she is there and working hard because behind every amazing hawt man like Johnny – I can call him that – is a woman that you so want to fucking hate because she is pretty and smart and talented, but she is just too damned nice to hate and that’s why the hawt guy loves her) we have decided to create a REAL award... no saggy golden globes for them. We are announcing the Bambette Awards and John and Kelly are the first official winners of this prestigious prize. Okay... so there isn’t any money; if there was it would be in fucking Canadian dollars, so it wouldn’t be worth a hell of a lot anyways. We will however look into the possibility of a medal made of fresh honey-glazed Tim Horton’s magnificence. What I am saying here is that the prestige of the award is just being named because it means you have class and brains and are uber-hawt as well. Get with the fucking program. If you have any other candidates you would like to nominate for a fucking Bambette, send me their names and i will forward them to the astute panel of judge (me) for consideration.

DATELINE: FRANCE – they are pushing for a ban on the burka, because it might turn the ladies into religious fanatics which could lead to more terrorism. If that’s the case, perhaps they should also put a ban on kneelers in churches and start interrogating all those fucking old ladies and men who attend church on a daily basis. Just saying, sauce for the goose and all that crap, right?

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – Yes, it’s Australia Day, so open a beer, throw some shrimp on the fucking Barbie and watch a couple hours of Crocodile Dundee.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – with 21 days to the fucking Olympic games, the City of Vancouver has now issued a book to all employees explaining to them how to behave during the games. I can’t help but wonder how many fucking millions were spent on this bloody gem. We’re Canadians. We’re always too fucking polite. BUT now we have politicians and marketing analysts telling us about proper behaviour? Holy Crap! And some of the key issues... and to quote that other incredible hawt cutie Dave Barry, ‘I am NOT making this up’... no one shall wear short socks, no one will cross their arms or put their hands in their pockets, no excessive chatting with the visitors (god damn, i remember my mother telling me this every fucking time we had company – this will explain all the supposed snubs and mumbling people will receive when they ask for fucking directions), no limp-noodle handshakes or brow-furrowing, and yes, they even have the ‘correct’ way to inform a visitor that he left the fucking barn door open and is in danger of Mr Happy peeking out and watching the games. Yes, they spent fucking millions on this, wasted god only knows how many fucking trees, all to add to this wonderful ‘Olympic’ Experience.

Monday, January 25, 2010

JANUARY 25th, 2010

JANUARY 25th, 2010

DATELINE: HAITI – People are still being rescued. God bless them all. Those people have been through enough lifetimes of hell.

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – I never really expected to be in the running for a fucking Golden Globe award, although the girls are in pretty damn fine shape considering my age and the wear and all that crap. However, getting snubbed for a SAG award? Nope, something is fucking wrong. I had that one in the bag.

Is there any other fucking industry that takes the first three months of the year to do nothing but pat themselves on the fucking back? Golden Globes, SAG’s, Oscars, Emmys, People’s Choice... People, grow the hell up. You are PLAY ACTING, not saving peoples’s or working to save starving children. Some fucking statistics of the day to think over – in Haiti there are now over 150,000 people dead and 700,000 homeless, 326 people are dead as a result of new religious violence in Nigeria, 90 people were killed in a plane crash in Beirut, rockets injured 8 in an attack on the Kandahar air field, 31 people are dead after 3 bombings in Baghdad, 117 Russians are in the hospital after drinking holy water (okay... that one I HAD to fucking throw in there because the irony totally kills me). So, by all means, pat yourselves on the fucking back. You are the beautiful people, you got the money to make sure we know it, and you are NEVER going to let us forget it. The stupidity of the fucking money and glory attached to god damned actors is outdone only by professional athletes.

DATELINE: IRAQ – Saddam’s Cousin, Chemical Ali, was executed for his crimes. I hope the last fucking words he heard were ‘Take a deep breath and smile, asshole.”

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Politicians from the two opposition parties returned to work. Of course, the doors are locked tight while the Prime Minister continues to do his Stalin interpretation, claiming of course that he is helping us by NOT allowing anyone to say anything negative about how he is running the country – those negative comments (sort of the fucking point in a democracy) might make us not look good and we are just too fucking stupid to realize this. Viva la fucking complacency.

DATELINE: SCOTLAND – T’is Robbie Burns Day! YAHOO!!!! This is the day all handsome and hopefully very ‘gifted’ men pull on a skirt and play with their pipes! Ya gotta love a day like this. Robbie Burns who penned poetry to a rose, a mouse, a louse and a stuffed fucking sheep’s gut. The guy needed a fucking love life!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sunday Guest Editorial

It's Sunday, and even Bambi gets a day off. Besides, all you are gonna find for news today is fluff-crap and artsy-fartsy shit that people only pretend to give a rat's ass about. I would never leave ya in the lurch though. It's time for a few profound fucking words from that 'cute bartardo' Dillinger Flaikwaiter, a man with many hats and all of them just a bit to goddamned tight. Amen and Amen!

To crap or not to crap: that is the question. Really our world today is full of thank-you, thank-you, did you enjoy your meal, thanks for shopping at K-Mart-I mean what the hell, right? I admit I am a freak. Always have been always will be, but, Jesus sweet Lord do you really give a shit? You have just finished the worse meal you have ever eaten. Shitty service and crappy food: always a great combination. You have gotten to the point with your old lady that if you have fought fiercly, you no longer appologize, you no longer give her a sweet tickle and a kiss and say 'Honey, you are so right; I am that brute. So, you emptied the cat litter lately?' No, you just say 'Let's go out and get a meal, get drunk and maybe it'll go away.' Then... then!... that meal and that ornery damn waitress that smiles sweetly up at you, and you know she does not give a shit any more'n yer damn wife, does she? She asks 'Did you enjoy your meal?' You answer 'Yes, fine, thanks' and you leave a tip that helps her to pay her rent and buy her boyfriend a toke or two. That is it? So why do we not just simply say 'You know what, you rude pile of shit? That was the crappiest meal we ever ate and here i got a tip for you', then you simply stand up and smack her in the chops. Come on, it is what you would love to do, is it not? But no, you are afraid. Ball-less you sit. 'Oh dear, I cannot say what I think because they will bring in some brute to chastize me and then get my sorry ass arrested.'

Alright, alright, I get that part -- the arrest fear. Not much fun spendin' the night with the hordes of the unwashed, I admit. Really though, you do not tip well or at all, then what happens? Yeah, some asswipe comes up to you -- the maitre dee dee -- and says you are a cheap bastardo and you should get the hell out of his restaurant. 'Look, you dumb motherfucker, your fucking restaurant is a hole that has food that my mutt Josephine would put her nose up at and piss on. Now go fuck yourself or I am gonna smash your face into the damn table till all the little bones holding your little brain together are crushed to a damn pulp'? No, no, 'sorry, here is a tip, you are of course correct and we are indeed the dregs of the earth'.

So there it is. The broad at the supermarket that you wanna smash upside her ugly face and worse grin -- 'thank you for shopping at K-Mart'. Damn, the world is going... no, it has gone to hell in a hand basket and we are grateful that the basket is full of shit. So it is, so it shall be, now and forevermore, amen and amen!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

January 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: SWITZERLAND – Roman Polanski has been told he has to attend court in the USA. Poor fucking baby. His legal team is pushing for his sentence to be ‘time already in custody’. WTF?? The slime has been living the fucking high life in Europe, has been under house arrest in a fucking mansion, and THAT is supposed to be his penalty for sexually abusing a 13-year-old girl? Apparently if you have money, you can get away with anything. The asshole plead guilty. When he couldn’t get the pity plea because he was deemed totally competent and responsible for what he did, he takes the fuck off to where he can hide forever. There’s a fucking man for you. Whoa, I am so fucking impressed. The only justice would be to put him in a room with Lorena Bobitz and a half dozen Ginzu knives.

DATELINE: AFGHANISTAN – Karzei wants to talk truce with the Taliban. Whoop-de-fucking-do. There is a deal we can all sink our teeth into because we KNOW they will fucking honor their word.

DATELINE: ROME – Looks like the Bambini will have some competition in the Blog-Ass-Sphere. The Pope has told his priests to start blogging. Yoo hoo.... Mister Funny Hat Man... it’s not blogging they need. It’s leadership that puts the congregations first. (PLEASE NOTE: Out of a very rare sense of decency AND a fear of suggestion, I did control my language. There will be no bad fucking words in these news spots!)

DATELINE: OTTAWA – Protests will be held across the country and even outside the borders here because of that lame-ass Prime Minister of ours and his power-tripping discovering of the power of prorogation. Am I attending the rallies? No fucking way! Why? Because that fucking lame-ass Prime Minister came on television the other night and told me that Canadians don’t give a rat’s ass about prorogation, and I know that man never lies to me! Besides, who the fuck am I to disrupt his three-month fucking run at dictatorship again. No use in getting in a stir about rallies. Pretty soon he will either tax em or make em illegal... cause that’s what you do when you are a self-centered fucking maniacal control-freak despot.

DATELINE: NEVADA – FINALLY some incredible news to report! Male prostitutes are now legal in some parts of Nevada. I have me a map, and I might be unavailable for the next couple days... doing quality control and field research and fucking crap like that.

Friday, January 22, 2010

TODAY'S NEWS -- January 22, 2010

TODAY’S NEWS -- January 22, 2010

DATELINE: CHINA – All international deals and negotiations hang in the balance between China and the rest of the world. It took Google to do what every other fucking world leader was unable to do – get human rights issues onto the table. Google. The stupidest word in the world is behind global change and the resurrection destruction of the planet. Only a fucking science fiction writer could come up with this shit. Hello?? China?? It’s just fucking Google!!

DATELINE: CANADA – Tonight there will be a concert, billed as the biggest thing since Bill Clinton’s honey-glazed fucking cigars. Every performer with a Canadian passport will perform to raise money for Haiti relief. Of course, the concert is only an hour long, so i assume that means each performer will sing one line then get the fuck off the stage? Or perhaps we have so few? Holy crap! I hope it doesn’t mean an hour of Celine Dion warble at the fucking rafters.

You would think that if every actor who had their name appearing on a fucking movie poster in the last year contributed one million dollars, and every professional athlete gave up one million dollars (cause like, there ain’t one of them that would miss such a puissant amount of money when they have it falling out their asses each time they take a step) we could rebuild Haiti, help all those people and feed every child in the third world. Apparently though, when you have that much money, you get rid of logic along with every box of fucking kraft dinner you had in your pantry.

DATELINE: HAITI – They let the criminals free, so now they have to stop them from being criminals. Lemme think... You got holy hell breakout out around you, but in your moment of fucking humanitarian altruism, you take the bad guys out of the only building left standing and let them do their thing to the people who have not been through yet enough hell? And then you wonder why there aren’t enough people around to take care of the supplies coming in from all over the world? Keep the crooks locked up and get the fucking dignitaries out of there (although, arguably one and the same) and let the people who know what to do get the damned job done.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES (OR MAYBE NEW YORK, BUT WHO THE FUCK REALLY CARES) – Bye-bye Conan. Take your god damned hand puppet with you. Can we put you down for a $30M charitable donation, because there is NO ONE in the fucking world worth the kind of money involved in your settlement. They paid you for doing NOTHING! I want one of those fucking gigs!

DATELINE: GOLDEN, BC – YAAAHOOO, the fucking Olympic torch arrived there last night -- Imagine me doing my fucking happy dance about that. HUGE ceremony for a fucking bit of fire on a $40 piece of plastic. Alberta ex-premier Peter Lougheed passed it along to Wally Bono... good thing to have the provinces largest asshole and gas man there on site, just in case the damned thing goes out, hey Peter. And I bet you got to keep the fucking torch for free, cause you have more money than God and could buy a whole fucking truckload of the damned things. The classy part of THIS Olympic clusterfuck? If you are chosen to carry the torch, and you are just ordinary joe citizen, you have the privilege of buying the fucking thing for $400.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER -- Guy opens up his fucking door. Two plainclothes cops flash some tin. He opens the door wider to let them in. The cops grab him, pull him outside his home and beat the fucking crap outta him. The guy's wife, freaked out of her everloving mind, phones the police to report an assault. The two cops committing the assualt -- and YES, THEY WERE FUCKING COMMITTING AN ASSAULT get contacted, realize they have the wrong fucking man and offer to get him to the hospital for attention. What the fuck??? They pulled the man from his home when he was opening the door to let them in. We need some fucking cops who are NOT just criminals with badges. Gordo -- take care of that, would you? I'm sure you can find a way to turn it into a new fucking tax, but at least we would have police we could trust.

Today's News January 21, 2010


TODAY’S NEWS -- January 21, 2010

Dateline: Haiti – You know what I want when my crapper is flooded and shit is floating all over the floor? Company! We all do. I want to have to stop my plunging pleasures to clean out the driveway, set out a welcoming banquet and show dumbass anal-retentive hand-shakers the fucking royal tour. What the fuck is the matter with you dumbass politicians? Unless you are prepared to strip down to your undershirt and muck in, stay the hell away and let real people get the damned job done.

Dateline: California – As one who has lived in the fucking frozen north, at this time of unseasonal weather for you, I have only one thought: HAHAHA.

Dateline: Washington – John Edwards was shaking more than just hands while he was fucking campaigning for the highest office in the land. Hint to all potential presidents and those dreaming of public office: Keep it in your pants! All that thing does is gives the rest of us a gauge to see just how big an asshole you are. And this one... boinking while campaigning and while his wife was sick, gets a special place of honor. (It’s to be hoped that little bundle of joy gets something more outta life than being tagged with your fucking legacy, Mr. Edwards.)

More to the point (LMFAO – I KILL ME) if you put half the effort into running the country and helping the people who elected you that you put into getting your rocks off, we would be in pretty fucking good shape. We would all be better served, if you feel that you simply can’t keep that little soldier under control, if you would fly off to some fucking island with Tiger Woods and play Hole In One where the rest of us would not have to hear about it for the next fucking month.

Dateline: Massachusetts – Finally a politician who makes no secret of what his penis looks like and what he likes to do with it. You got it, flaunt it. Too bad the fucking staple covered over so much of it. The new senator supports a woman’s right to choose... sort of. This woman, and one hell of a woman she is, chooses to slam the skin rag shut, make some popcorn and watch the show, because it won’t be long till he’s on that fucking island with the former dem senator and all round prick from North Carolina and Mr. Glan Slam Thank-You Ma’am.

Dateline: Ottawa – Yeah, right! LMFAO. No news from here. The fucking assholes are taking a three-month holiday, eating perogies and getting fatter asses.

Dateline: Vancouver – 21 days to the Olympic Games. Whoop-de-fucking-doo! Today’s clusterfuck headline: they will be flying in snow. Yes, that’s right. There is no fucking snow for skiing. The only grooming that needs to be done to their ski-hill can be done with a Toro Riding mower and a can of fucking beer.

Dateline: Fenway Park – 40 days to first pitch in spring training. Time to order the duct tape for Paula and hope to hell Canada Post gets it here before the fucking playoffs.