BAMBI - THE SECOND TIME AROUND

For some reason, obviously not the betterment of mankind, Bambi had to have another adventure, picking up where the first left off -- in Mexico. I can pretty much guarantee this is not the end of her though. I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

The Pink Pagoda Burrito Bar and Brew Haus

Chapter one

One million dollars sure as hell didn’t go as far as it used to, even in this asshole town in nowhere Mexico. I looked around the joint. Damn, it still took my breath away, a thing of fucking beauty out here in taco hell.

“Hey bobo, either order another chela or pay for some chaca chaca with me, but you aren’t gonna be taking up space in my joint without paying something for the fucking privilege.”

The guy was a pejaro. Scruffy bastard had been sitting at that table for two hours now and had ordered one beer. He gave me that fucking stoned look that he always had.

“Hey, Pepe, make up your fucking mind before I have to get Dash or Antonio in here. You don’t want to chaca chaca with them!”

I had the gift of tongues. Who the hell would have guessed that, but these Mexican senores fucking fell all over themselves for me. And they couldn’t stay away from the joint. Who could? It had a special class. Damned good thing too, because it was about all that was left of the loot.

And then... he walked in. He -- this long, lush dark piece of hairy manhood that set my juices a-flowing and my face a-glowing. Holy crap! Dark eyes, big hat brim pulled close to em so they were barely visible, and he was bow-legged! Yes!! A woman of my plentiful attributes loves a man with bowed legs!

I pulled down the top of my blouse. There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls breathe a little in the heat of the day. Besides, the name on the door is Bambi’s Pink Pagoda Burrito Barn and Beer House, so I can fucking wear what I want. “Hey, Guapo, what can I get you?”

He stared at me for a moment, drinking in my beauty. I fluffed the ends of my hair. Hell, you gotta understand that my time was running out. If I wanted there to be some little Bambini’s running around, I needed to get my ass in gear. I sashayed a bit closer to him, turned on the fucking charm. This one would probably make damned fine babies... not like the ones I imagined damned Dash would cause. Talk about a fucking train wreck that would be, not that it mattered. He and I were through, almost. As soon as we could find a fucking lawyer that could speak English to help settle things. Fucking Dash had pissed through our money. There was no way he was getting the Pink Pagoda.

“You want tequila? Chela? Some boom boom with Bambi?”

He was putty in my fucking hands. I could feel him melting right on the spot.

He stepped back, looked me up and down, then sat on the nearest chair. There was no doubt about it. I moved closer, let him smell my perfume. Well, truth be told, I couldn’t get perfume around here, but rubbing some of that fucking tobacco sauce under my ear lobes had the men falling at my feet. It also helped when there was a fucking shortage of water for a shower, and that happened more than once.

I leaned over, let my blouse fall open as I dropped one of those fucking cardboard drink coasters on the table in front of him. “You got a name, Guapo?” I jiggled a bit so he would notice them.

He chewed on the end of one of those small cigar things... fucking too small for a cigar and too brown for a cigarette... I used to call em shitarettes cause that was what they looked like. He made it look just fine though. His eyes narrowed. “Rum.”

He pronounced it ‘room’. He was so fucking cute.

“I can get you a ‘room’ Guapo. How about a room with this hunk of burning Bambi?” I smiled at him and winked.

“Rum.”

Okay. He was gonna be a pajaro too? Fine. I got him a glass of fucking rum. Passed it underneath Jeb’s perch just in case the fucking bird would take a crap and add some seasoning. Of course that fucking buzzard just ignored me.

I stood back at his table, started to put the glass down, then stopped and stood straight. “No name, no rum.”

He glared. Holy crap! He had a fucking gold tooth that I could just catch a glimpse of when he pretended to smile. “Jose.”

“Fine, Jose.” I almost threw the drink at him. Instead i reached right in front of his fucking face and slammed it on the table. The hairs from his moustache tickled the back of my arm. “Here’s your fucking rum. Drink it and get the hell out of my joint.” I held out my hand for the money. He dropped some cash in my palm. I didn’t bother to thank him. I knew there would be no tip in there. There never was. Well, almost never. There was that one time, after Maria got pissed off with her old man and came in here for a drink to calm her nerves. She dropped a tip into my hand... told me her old man wouldn’t need it any more. Of course, she never made it as famous as old Lorena what’s-her-nuts did, but what the fuck? That’s Mexico for ya.

I turned away from the table, headed back to the bar. He was watching me. Holy crap! He had it bad for me. Bambi was gonna get lucky tonight.

#

That stupid bitch I was married to never heard me come in. Probably she has so much of that fucking greasy white cholesterol crap oozing out of her arteries and spilling into her alviolies or excrusion tubes or whatever the fuck those little tubes in her ears are. I never bothered paying attention to that crap in school. I knew the damned tubes were there, and hers had to be plugged because she never heard a fucking thing. That was good enough for me.

I was behind her damned beaded curtain. Of course the fucking thing was pink... everything was pink. She had that fucking fringe with the little hairy balls hanging down on everything... the bar stools, the bar, the window sills. It was a blessing she didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground when it came to cleaning; the windows were so fucking filthy no one could see that god damned pink nightmare they were walking into. And when you walked in here? It fucking reeked of that fucking horse piss smell of marijuana and stale beer. All the people who came in here smoked that fucking crap. It was probably the only way to survive seeing god damned Bambi. Maybe I should try it? It wouldn’t be hard to score a little weed around here.

Still, she had a pretty good business going. It was the only place to get something to eat for miles around, and Antonio made a killer fucking burrito so people did come back. It sure as hell wasn’t for the ambience or Bambi’s bubbly fucking personality.

She leaned over, shaking her fucking tits at that guy. She thought she was god damned Charo down here, shaking and wiggling and trying to roll her r’s. Her tongue was too fucking fat for that and she ended up sounding like Sylvester. What a stupid god damned cat Sylvester was. Every time I watched that cartoon, I was praying he would catch that fucking Tweetie and eat the annoying yellow piece of crap.

“When the hell did you get in here?”

I love you too, Darling. “None of your fucking business. I still own half the business. I have to make sure you aren’t scaring away all the fucking customers.” I never took any of her crap.

She pushed past me. “Antonio, make a couple burritos for Jose.”

There it was – nails on a fucking blackboard. “Why in the name of all that is fucking holy does everyone have to have a name that starts with a fucking J?” It was true. Never had a Fred or a Mike walked in the fucking door. “And when the hell are you gonna just say their names normal instead of sounding like some fucking stupid cat horking up a hairball? HHHHHHCHosaaa? What the fuck is that?”

“Get yer sad skinny ass the fuck outta my way, Sugar britches. I got work to do and a hot man waiting to get at it with me.”

Apparently the fucking wacky tobacky smell had fried what was left of a brain in that fucking fat head.

“Right. Good luck with that.” I looked at Jose again. Jesus Christ, he was a mean looking son of a bitch, and for me to see that was something. They didn’t come much meaner or meaner looking than me.

Antonio set the plate on the counter for serving. Bambi pulled down her top, let those fucking saggy basketball boobs dangle a bit more and rolled up the waistband of her skirt to shorten it up. Holy crap. This was not going to be good.