DAILY NEWS – MARCH 3rd , 2011

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 3rd , 2011

DATELINE: PACKING UP AND HEADING TO NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY – School has cum one hell of a long way since I went there. They sure as hell did not have live sex-toy demonstrations as part of a lecture, but then I never had Professor John Michael Bailey as a teacher. Following a question-and-answer session about fetishes, he arranged for a live demonstration of a woman (who was not part of the student body) being stimulated with a ‘motorized sex toy’ on stage. Why? According to the good professor, because ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but watchin naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you’. That was certainly Tony Soprano’s take on the subject as well. What the professor seems to lack in wit and panache, he more than makes up for in finding new ways to ‘fuck the dog’ at work. I think the demonstration has much less to do with bones, and more to do with boners… the prof’s boners. Nothing like wanking off at work, on the boss’s dollar, no less; one has to wonder what the value of the demonstration was over what the students would find on any of the porn movies they pick up on satellite. It would be interesting to know how many of the students took any notes during the demonstration, although I expect far too many hands were otherwise occupied. I think it should be an annual event… bring your dildo to school day, if set for close to the end of the academic year, might go a long way to reducing drop-out figures. According to Northwestern, Bailey’s human sexuality class is a popular one, bring in 622 students this semester, although one could chalk that up to the list of required reading materials by Hugh Heffner.

DATELINE: LIVING WHERE A CHILD’S LIFE IS WORTH NOTHING MORE THAN A SLAP ON THE WRIST – In 2003, two-year-old Emmily Mendieta was beaten to the point of going into convulsions. Her body was covered with bruises when she arrived at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children. After ten agonizing days, she died. Yesterday, her mother, Erika Mendieta, now 34, was found guilty of the death and was sentenced to… wait for it… six years. It gets better though… because she served some time in the slammer before her conviction, she will only have to serve four years and nine months. Let me repeat this for those, like the ones in the fucking legal system here, who did not understand… this woman beat her own child to death nine years ago. For starters what the hell is going on that it takes nine fucking years for this shit to be dealt with, but that concern is really minor compared to the fact that SHE BEAT HER OWN CHILD TO DEATH. Did she then stand there, beside the bed in the children’s hospital, weeping pitifully and wringing her hands as she watch, for ten days, as her child suffered and died? There is absolutely NO excuse for a woman to kill her own child, to beat her child, to make her child suffer. For her to get 6 years is absolutely fucking criminal. If she had been the father of the child, would she have gotten a harsher sentence? People, she beat her child to death. She should never see the light of fucking day again, should never have access to children again. I have no idea how the hell fucking judges are able to sleep at night.

DATELINE: BEING GUTLESS FUCKING COWARDS HIDING BEHIND THE FIRST AMENDMENT – In keeping with the themes of assholes on the bench and dildos in the spotlight, enter Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church. This would be that colossal fuck-head who believes it is his god-given right to use other’s grief as a stage for his own hate-mongering diatribes. In its case before the Supreme Court, the church argued they had the right of freedom of speech to promote their ‘broad-based message on public matters’. This apparently gives them the right to attend private funerals for soldiers and scream about ridding the world of homosexuals. This gives them the right to threaten to attend the funeral of a little girl, the victim of an Arizona gunman, because her family was Catholic and apparently, according to Phelps, God does not like Catholics. Fred Phelps and his band of assholes harass and inflict extreme emotional distress on families, but that’s okay… they have the right to do that. Carrying signs that spew such crap as “Thank God for dead soldiers”, “God blew up the troops” and “AIDS cures fags” is perfectly within their right. Now that the WBC has been given this official blessing, they have vowed to be much more active, conducting more pickets at more funerals. It should be noted that the reason they target specifically soldiers is because the soldiers ‘deserve to die’ because they fight for a country that tolerates homosexuality. They dare to target those who unconditionally put their lives on the line to provide a blanket of security and protection – they are vile, despicable people who don’t understand that rights are actually nothing more than hard-fought, hard-one privileges that Fred Phelps and his ilk do not deserve. Would their actions be less tolerated though, if they were opposed to their country tolerating Semitism or Integration of the races instead of homosexuality? Discrimination and hate monger should not be tolerated on any level, and I am sorry, but that is all that Fred Phelps and his ‘church’ are about.

DATELINE: CORNWALL, WHERE APPARENTLY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IS FUCKING NEWS – Darrell Duffill, 54, shot a donkey named Claude in the head with an air rifle, because he was mad at his sister and he had down half a bottle of rum. Yes, this was fucking news on the BBC. Claude was ten years old. We do not know if Claude was perhaps sleeping with Darrell’s wife, which admittedly could cause some consternation for a bloke, knowing that donkeys are, apparently, hung like horses. We do not know if perhaps Claude was cheating on him with some other farmer. There is nothing here but a dead fucking donkey being news. We are left to assume that Claude was very very special, perhaps The Donkey with the Golden Dong. Oh to live if fucking Cornwall.

DATELINE: GOING HUNTING WITH .22CAL CHOCOLATE – Ever wonder about that perfect gift to give the insane, maniacal gun fanatic in your family? Looking for that perfect Tony Soprano mobster friend valentines present? Thanks to good friend Mariah, we have been alerted to ChocolateAmmo.com, a website that offers a ‘complete arsenal of edible weaponry for those special occasions’. They have shotgun shells filled with peanut butter and a choco-glock gun, the perfect compliments to the chocolate hand grenade. Nothing like sending a cholesterol bullet straight to the heart, signed with love. Is there really a special occasion that would benefit from fucking chocolate guns? I have no idea who thinks of this crap, but seriously, I am glad they don’t live in my god damned neighborhood (although up here, I have no doubt they would have to be properly and legally registered, and purchased with the appropriate fucking Firearms Acquisition Certificate). Thanks, Mariah! I will sleep better, now that I have that chocolate mess under my pillow ;).

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 2nd, 2011

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 2nd, 2011


DATELINE: IMMORTALIZING THE BAD BOY’S CLUB – Perhaps by today’s standards, with the outpouring of nutcase rants, denial and general bad behavior, Ted Kennedy barely rates a seat anymore, but even after his passing, he manages to keep his name also in the headlines, also not in a good way. FBI files released this week indicated that Teddy, that little scamp, arranged to rent a brothel for a night. … that would be the whole she-bang. *ducks from incoming rotten tomatoes* In a memo dated December 28, 1961, Kennedy made the arrangements, also inviting one of the embassy chauffeurs to partake in the festivities. It should be noted that this was done while the youngest Kennedy progeny was assistant district attorney in Boston, with a wife and family at home, with one older brother serving as Attorney General and the other sitting in the Oval Office. The purpose of the trip? To visit with some people who were known to be communist sympathizers, a hanging offence back in the day. Is it any wonder that he was the clown prince of America’s ‘royal family’? There is just one question that I will never understand… all the privilege, the superiority, the bowing and scraping to this family – how the hell did they make that huge leap from criminal bootlegger to noveau monarch in the first place? Guess it doesn’t really matter… the change apparently was in marketing only.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF BAD BOYS – Well, it seems that Charlie Asswipe Sheen has ranted on about his tiger blood and how he is a ‘winner’ on just about every possible media outlet in North America now. He set up a tweet account, gave exclusive interviews to CNN, ABC, MBC, FOX… He has his mouth in overdrive, which prompted his long-time publicist to finally pull the pin and disappear into the night. His erratic actions have resulted in his twin boys being taken away by police, to be returned to their mother where they shall stay. He has bragged about calls of support from other ‘nucking futs’ like Sean Penn and, yes, even Mel Gibson, who phoned to offer his moral support to Asswipe’s cause, whatever the fuck that might be. Because it is totally clear that Asswipe Sheen is either A) out of his fucking mind or B) truly the world’s biggest asshole ( or C) both) I am about to make my own ‘passionate’ plea – I will however contain my own Adonis DNA and bitching rock star essence in the process. Please please please people, stop giving this asshole airtime. Please don’t follow him on twitter or facebook or on his fucking jog up the street. If he is out of his mind, please stop giving him a stage to do more damage to himself (and to us because we are the ones who have to listen to this crap) and if he is just as asshole, then stop fucking indulging him. Perhaps show some compassion for the people whose lives have been totally fucked over by him… because I suspect Hurricane Charlie has cut a wide swath, and he sadly ain’t done yet. Do the world, and Asswipe, a favor… instead of a soap box for rating’s sake, give him a big roll of fucking duct tape.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY SITTING ON THE BACK OF THE BAD BOY BUS – Military ships are positioning themselves, ready for whatever action might be required of them, in the waters around Libya. Sanctions have been imposed. Bank accounts have been frozen. Gadhafi’s fucking nuts ass has been kicked by the UN… finally… because him having helicopters open fire on the crowds of people was not reason enough for them to get off their overpaid asses and do something … and still the idiot is defiant, saying his people love him, that Osama Bin Laden is behind the riots taking place in Libya, and that there are nothing but vicious lies being spread about his peaceful country. That’s why there are Gadhafi loyalists who are advancing to the east of the country, fighting to take back some of the cities and establishments that have fallen to the revolt. We apparently don’t have enough totally fucking crazy people on the news these days though, because now Hugo Chavez has started making statements of support for his friend in Tripoli. It’s like a fucking who’s who in God’s little almond grove. Please, would all of you fucking bug-brains crawl out of the woodwork and out from whatever rock you are under so we can rejoice in your presence… or at least put you out of our misery.

DATELINE: ORDERING A DOUBLE-DOUBLE, A DOUBLE-DIPPED, SOME TIMBITS AND 10MG OF MORPHINE – Only in Canada? It’s to be fucking hoped. When Royal Columbian Hospital in New Westminster, BC became too full on Monday night, the patients were taken across the parking lot to, yes, a Tim Horton’s doughnut shop for treatment. Why? Because there was not enough room in the hospital, a problem that is plaguing hospitals across the province. Bear in mind that the spill over to the coffee shop happens only after all the hallways are filled with patients, people who are sick and/or in pain who spend literally days on a gurney in the hallway. According to Health Minister Colin Hansen, though, the system worked perfectly on Monday night, that it went just the way it’s supposed to work. Doctors and nurses disagree. To quote that master of words, Asswipe Sheen, ‘Well, Duhhh’. Doctors claim they cannot properly examine emergence patients when they are sitting in the waiting room, lined up in the hallways, or hauled over to the local Timmy’s; they argue it results in mistakes being made and problems being overlooked. Health care here has been an issue for too many years, and the government refuses to get off their lazy overpaid asses and do what needs to be done… how can they though, when they are so busy finding new taxes to hit us with, while giving us absolutely sweet fuck all for the bleeding. We need the government to wake up and smell the coffee? Perhaps that won’t happen until one of them has to seek medical attention in a fucking coffee shop.