DAILY NEWS – MARCH 2nd, 2011

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 2nd, 2011


DATELINE: IMMORTALIZING THE BAD BOY’S CLUB – Perhaps by today’s standards, with the outpouring of nutcase rants, denial and general bad behavior, Ted Kennedy barely rates a seat anymore, but even after his passing, he manages to keep his name also in the headlines, also not in a good way. FBI files released this week indicated that Teddy, that little scamp, arranged to rent a brothel for a night. … that would be the whole she-bang. *ducks from incoming rotten tomatoes* In a memo dated December 28, 1961, Kennedy made the arrangements, also inviting one of the embassy chauffeurs to partake in the festivities. It should be noted that this was done while the youngest Kennedy progeny was assistant district attorney in Boston, with a wife and family at home, with one older brother serving as Attorney General and the other sitting in the Oval Office. The purpose of the trip? To visit with some people who were known to be communist sympathizers, a hanging offence back in the day. Is it any wonder that he was the clown prince of America’s ‘royal family’? There is just one question that I will never understand… all the privilege, the superiority, the bowing and scraping to this family – how the hell did they make that huge leap from criminal bootlegger to noveau monarch in the first place? Guess it doesn’t really matter… the change apparently was in marketing only.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF BAD BOYS – Well, it seems that Charlie Asswipe Sheen has ranted on about his tiger blood and how he is a ‘winner’ on just about every possible media outlet in North America now. He set up a tweet account, gave exclusive interviews to CNN, ABC, MBC, FOX… He has his mouth in overdrive, which prompted his long-time publicist to finally pull the pin and disappear into the night. His erratic actions have resulted in his twin boys being taken away by police, to be returned to their mother where they shall stay. He has bragged about calls of support from other ‘nucking futs’ like Sean Penn and, yes, even Mel Gibson, who phoned to offer his moral support to Asswipe’s cause, whatever the fuck that might be. Because it is totally clear that Asswipe Sheen is either A) out of his fucking mind or B) truly the world’s biggest asshole ( or C) both) I am about to make my own ‘passionate’ plea – I will however contain my own Adonis DNA and bitching rock star essence in the process. Please please please people, stop giving this asshole airtime. Please don’t follow him on twitter or facebook or on his fucking jog up the street. If he is out of his mind, please stop giving him a stage to do more damage to himself (and to us because we are the ones who have to listen to this crap) and if he is just as asshole, then stop fucking indulging him. Perhaps show some compassion for the people whose lives have been totally fucked over by him… because I suspect Hurricane Charlie has cut a wide swath, and he sadly ain’t done yet. Do the world, and Asswipe, a favor… instead of a soap box for rating’s sake, give him a big roll of fucking duct tape.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY SITTING ON THE BACK OF THE BAD BOY BUS – Military ships are positioning themselves, ready for whatever action might be required of them, in the waters around Libya. Sanctions have been imposed. Bank accounts have been frozen. Gadhafi’s fucking nuts ass has been kicked by the UN… finally… because him having helicopters open fire on the crowds of people was not reason enough for them to get off their overpaid asses and do something … and still the idiot is defiant, saying his people love him, that Osama Bin Laden is behind the riots taking place in Libya, and that there are nothing but vicious lies being spread about his peaceful country. That’s why there are Gadhafi loyalists who are advancing to the east of the country, fighting to take back some of the cities and establishments that have fallen to the revolt. We apparently don’t have enough totally fucking crazy people on the news these days though, because now Hugo Chavez has started making statements of support for his friend in Tripoli. It’s like a fucking who’s who in God’s little almond grove. Please, would all of you fucking bug-brains crawl out of the woodwork and out from whatever rock you are under so we can rejoice in your presence… or at least put you out of our misery.

DATELINE: ORDERING A DOUBLE-DOUBLE, A DOUBLE-DIPPED, SOME TIMBITS AND 10MG OF MORPHINE – Only in Canada? It’s to be fucking hoped. When Royal Columbian Hospital in New Westminster, BC became too full on Monday night, the patients were taken across the parking lot to, yes, a Tim Horton’s doughnut shop for treatment. Why? Because there was not enough room in the hospital, a problem that is plaguing hospitals across the province. Bear in mind that the spill over to the coffee shop happens only after all the hallways are filled with patients, people who are sick and/or in pain who spend literally days on a gurney in the hallway. According to Health Minister Colin Hansen, though, the system worked perfectly on Monday night, that it went just the way it’s supposed to work. Doctors and nurses disagree. To quote that master of words, Asswipe Sheen, ‘Well, Duhhh’. Doctors claim they cannot properly examine emergence patients when they are sitting in the waiting room, lined up in the hallways, or hauled over to the local Timmy’s; they argue it results in mistakes being made and problems being overlooked. Health care here has been an issue for too many years, and the government refuses to get off their lazy overpaid asses and do what needs to be done… how can they though, when they are so busy finding new taxes to hit us with, while giving us absolutely sweet fuck all for the bleeding. We need the government to wake up and smell the coffee? Perhaps that won’t happen until one of them has to seek medical attention in a fucking coffee shop.