DAILY NEWS - May 27th, 2011
DATELINE: VISITING HEAD-UP-YER-ASS TOWN, WHERE JUDGE’S LIVE – In a truly astounding ruling, the Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that… wait for this… you will want to be sitting down… a woman cannot give consent to have sexual intercourse while she is unconscious. Holy crap! These guys are fucking rocket scientists! I have to admit, they earned their pay with this one! That this even got to the Supreme Court is what is totally fucking flabbergasting. Yes, I know the case in question involved a couple who had a rather adventurous consensual sex life, and yes, she agreed to be choked for the thrill of it… that makes her kinky, bordering on stupid… but it does not mean that the guy then has free reign to do what he wants with her, and it would be legal because she didn’t use the ‘safe word’ or scream STOP at him. That this had to go through all levels of the judicial system, that it encountered some rulings saying no crime had been committed, and then ended up in a split vote at the Supreme court passes the point of being just plain fucking stupid and takes a bounding leap into the world of outright disgusting. I can hardly wait for even more bullshit from them, once Comrade Harper is finished stacking the bench with his peons and clones.
DATELINE: LOOKING FOR CELEBRITY, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CATASTROPHE AND CONCEIT – Major media are hinting that there might be the off-chance that Sarah Palin will be *gasp* running for President in 2012! *faints* You think she MIGHT be? What the fuck planet are you guys on? She has a new bus and is planning a tour. She bought a new house in, yes, Arizona,(remember the whole ‘blood-;libel’ thing when her iddy biddy feelings were hurt when… oh yeah… a gunman opened up and killed a bunch of people on a Sunday morning and it was suggested that Palin might want to tone down her six-shooter rifle in every hand rhetoric for a while). My favorite of her subtle little hints, though… the release of her own movie, The Undefeated, to be opening in Iowa soon. (News Bulletin, Sarah hon… you WERE defeated in 2008, so already your movie is off to one hell of a great fucking start). This movie, which she originally went to the producer prepared to pitch and fund, is about the real Saint Sarah, the politician who cleaned up Alaska, who solved their economic woes, who is really a spy, watching Vladimir Putin when he comes out of the shower (she can see him from her kitchen window). One should be hoping there are a lot of popcorn buckets around, because people will need something to puke in. This movie has all the things necessary to knock Barry Linden of its throne as the most boring piece of shit movie ever. She might be running? Oh for fuck sake. The only thing more stupid than celebrities is the media that covers them.
DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CELEBRITIES AND DISASTERS AND THE MEDIA COVERING THEM – It’s been a tough spring… towns literally wiped out by raging wild fires, floods, and now tornadoes. Amidst the destruction, as people start the endless, huge task of rebuilding their lives, their homes, and coping with staggering grief, they should breathe easier, because help is on the way. Why, just the other day they broke into the news with the bulletin that Justin Bieber had just tweeted that he was praying for the people of Joplin. Well, shit, that has to make everything better, right? He tweeted. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. This is news? Sorry, no, it’s bullshit. If a person was to sit back and calculate the amount of money made by actors, singers and sports stars, there would be more than enough there to rebuild every one of those towns lost and then some. There would be enough money there to rebuild fucking Haiti, and to see these people touring around, offering glib support and handshakes before climbing back into their personal planes to go home to their multi-million dollar mansions has to burn some fucking asses. It would certainly piss me off. Yes, there are some who do go to help, who offer real support, who get their hands dirty, but they are the vast minority. There are some who donate a couple hours to sing a song or attend a concert, but come on… there could be a lot more done, and there are fewer people every day with the ability to help as more and more struggle just to make ends meet. Of course, even the photo-op starved celebrities are a set up from the bank execs, who are making millions in bonuses, and whose spirits are sitting hunched over right there in a nearby tree, surveying the damage and waiting to see what bones they can pick over.