FROM THE DRIVERS SEAT - June 6th, 2011

DATELINE: DOING THE JOCK-SHOW CURCUIT: Howard Stern is at one of those points in his life we all come to… a crossroads, if you will… and he has a decision to make. Should the master shock-jock, that self-proclaimed King of the Media bow down to the likes of Bill Simmons, aka sportsguy33, who is challenging the title with his fucking twitter-foo? We all hang with anchovy-baited breath for the results of this one.

Bill Simmons, ESPN’s The Sports Guy, formerly The Boston Sports Guy, though, has a book, a column, a podcast, and his own website (insert overawed fucking squeal here) AND he’s just a bit of a tweetie. Now in the thick of the Stanley Cup playoffs, Simmons’ light could shine like a beacon to the world. He’s got a modicum of cute, he’s clean-cut, dresses sorta classy… the total antithesis to Howard, and man, he could totally rawk the fucking world, if only it wasn’t about stupid fucking useless perspective-skewing absolutely irrelevant professional sports.

Yes, Howard has written a book, has done the late night show shit, pay-per-view crap and ran for public office (wouldn’t that have been a fucking laugh fest). Now Howard’s return volley… the release of a movie… The Howard Stern Parody… trailered as Howard Stern with Penetration. Wow! If he says so, it MUST be true. Of course, it’s nothing more than a vehicle to promote more of his obnoxious degrading crap with some on-screen sex to help pump up the holy fuck factor BUT to his credit, he does obnoxious degrading crap about life behind the Howard Stern show, so no harm done.

Seriously, how the fuck could someone like Bill Simmons compete with such things as Fartman, Virgin Mary Kong, Bestiality Dial-a-Date, Butt Bongo Fiesta and his first PPV Event Howard Stern’s Negligee & Underpants Party. This is all classic crap. Then again, Stern is not going to be able to write erudite clichés about hockey, about giving 110% percent to the team, about rallying and bringing the mug back home, which begs the question ‘Who the fuck would want to?’

I quite honestly couldn’t give a crap about which one of them is the King of the Media because, well, they are both totally fucking irrelevant. One’s life is about shocking people about crap that doesn’t matter. Hello, Howard… most guys have penises, most women have vaginas and we, for the most part, know how they work, so you really aren’t telling us anything new, neat or wonderful. Spending a life taking pot-shots at people and making millions doing it is… well… a lame fucking waste of breath. Then again, spending all your waking hours dissecting the passing of a puck is a likewise waste.

Don’t get me wrong… I like watching a game of hockey or baseball. I can take in a tennis match, football or even watch a bit of golf (I have also been known to watch flies fuck, but that’s a different blog.) . What pisses me off is that professional sports have become elitist, promoting multi-million dollar contracts for arrogant bad-boys who are then put on a pedestal, admired and emulated by children all over the place, while really never doing a fucking thing to earn it. So they can pass a puck. Whoop-de-fucking do. It’s a special talent worthy of that money? Well, hell, I can run across the yard with walnuts tucked under my tits and never drop a one, but you don’t see people paying me for that. They have taken the value out of sports… the lessons of sportsmanship, good winning, good losing, fair play, honor, and the desire to be the best you can be. Now it’s about the money, winning, the money, crushing the opponent, and getting that line of press, even if that means taking all those millions and snorting it up your nose for a quick high, then jumpin in your million dollar car and killing someone with it because they dared to think they could share the road with a star athlete.

Of course, knowing what pubic hair art Brittney or Paris is sporting today really doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference in most people’s lives either. I know my day isn’t any fucking better for the knowledge. I don’t expect that we should be inundated with doom and gloom… sports, entertainment and sex all apparently have their place, BUT when these are the things that consume our lives, when these are the holy grail our children are taught to lust after, we have a fucking problem.

Men and women in uniform die to preserve these two assholes’ rights to be out there doing what they do, however fluff-crappish it might be. Children are being beaten, tortured, murdered for the simple act they came from the wrong town or walked out their door while the leader of the country was feeling a bit pissy. People in Haiti STILL live in tents and refugee camps as nothing is being accomplished to help them. People in Joplin had their lives shattered, as did the people on this continent that have fallen victim to floods, and fires, and let’s not forget those who succumbed to the uncontained hatred of another. There are scores of children who are sick, people who are handicapped, seniors who are alone and incredibly lonely, military vets who need help because their government has turned a blind eye... they don't need just money, they need help and support and for people to be aware of their issues. They don't care a rat's ass about Brittney or J-Lo and they will never see a fucking hockey game or have the chance to play one. So what the hell do these two ‘kings of the media’ give us. Sweet fuck all… but it doesn’t have to be that way. They are smart, talented men who could make a fucking difference in a lot of lives. They could use their celebrity, their skills, their audiences not just to entertain, but to help. Jon Stewart found a way to do it, as did Stephen Colbert, George Carlin, Robin Williams, Angelina Jolie. Stern did it before… in 1979 when he called for a boycott of Shell Oil Company. People listened; people were effected, and Stern made a difference that didn’t have something to do with inflating his fucking prick. Where the hell is that Howard Stern now, when we need him? Then again, what in the name of all that is fucking holy are we doing listening to this shit and lining all their pockets? King of the media? Neither one of these two dweebs. The king will be crowned when someone with the media savvy of either one of these guys decides to use that skill to affect some change for the better for those who really need it, and NOT obsess on finger-biting hockey players and beaver-flashing faux celebs.