DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011


DATELINE: GETTING THE FOAM FINGER READY AND LOCKING UP THE CAT – Yes! Finally it is that most wonderful time of the year, when those little tidbits from training camp start trickling out to us, whetting our appetites with news of roster changes and pitching camps. The sport of (very fucking hawt) gentleman is warming up, and soon we will be able to spend out weekends drooling at Adrian Beltre , Mark Scutaro, Kevin Youkilis, Jacoby Ellsbury and JD Drew, while wanting to take a baseball bat and ram it up Francona’s ass when he is doing stupid shit. We can curse at the likes of A Rod and AJ Burnet, the A in both case standing for arrogant and asshole, depending on context, and in some cases, it stands for both, yet marvel at the pitching ability of CC Sabathia and the incredibly cute smile of Derek Jeter. We can hope that Kendry Morales will be back in the game, and hold our breath in hopes that Bud Black and his Padres will pull off another exciting, incredible season. Yes, it’s time for peanuts and popcorn, and for the stupid fucking cat to bite me on the back of the head as I sing along with the seventh inning stretch. This year damned well better offer my first, and hopefully not my last, chance to see at least some of those incredibly awesome men with the gorgeous asses in person. Woooooooooo Hooooooooooo…. Baseball season is almost here!!!

DATELINE: CHEWING HIM UP AND SPITTING HIM OUT – You have to wonder when Tiger Woods is going to get a fucking break… well, okay, maybe not a fucking break, because that is what landed him in the soup last time, but you know what I mean. This weekend, while playing in the Dubai Desert Classic, Tiger hocked a loogie on the 12th green, something that is virtually considered a crime in the Arab nation. Here is a little hint to all you globe trotters – when in another country, it’s a good idea to check the local laws. Remember that whole thing about farting in Malawi? Who the hell wants it to be said on international television that you went to the slammer for five days for farting in public? Sorry… I digress. While I have a hard time believing all the shit that has hit the fan about a fucking loogie, especially considering some of the things Tiger has done both on and off the course, I have to say ‘Tiger, what the fuck is the matter with you?’ If you hocked a loogie on my grass, I would kick your fucking ass! It’s disgusting! Other people have to use that green. How would you like to kneel down to size up a putt and, when you stand up, find a gob of snot on your knee? For the love of all that is fucking holy, use your god damned brain! If spitting is something you just HAVE to do, disgusting and absolutely no-class as it is, then hire someone to walk around behind you carrying a spittoon.

DATELINE: TAKING OFF THE GLOVES – Well, I could totally fucking kiss Mario Lemieux. Finally someone has the balls to stand up and ask ‘where the fuck are the hockey players and why are all these idiot no-talent thugs on the fucking ice?’ After the incident years ago with that idiot asshole Todd Bertuzzi when he violently, unnecessarily, stupidly and hatefully attacked Steve Moore, the skill of real hockey players means absolutely nothing anymore. There are more ‘enforcers’ on the ice than anything else. Well, finally, after the match last Friday between the Penguins and the Islanders, Lemieux reached his breaking point, questioning why he is involved with an organization that is concerned absolutely only with the money and the spectacular of the fights and the cash value of the blood on the ice, instead of preserving the actual game of hockey. The statistics from that game are fucking disgusting… 346 minutes of penalties, 10 players ejected from the fame, 15 major fights, 20 misconducts. While checks and hits are a part of the game, assaults on other players that are not part of the play are just that – criminal assaults. It’s nice, though, that the NHL has adopted the Vatican approach to law and misconduct… we can police ourselves, because the laws that dictate behavior everywhere else in the country don’t seem to apply on a sheet of fucking ice.

DAILY BLOG – APRIL 5th, 2010

DAILY BLOG – APRIL 5th, 2010

DATELINE: FENWAY PARK – Whooooooooooot! The Red Sox kicked the regular season off with style last night with a 9-7 victory over the Yanks. Youkilis was HOT! Pedroia was HOT! Papelbon, who pitched the last ball, was HAWT!! Steve Tyler and Neil Diamond, both almost as old as Fenway Park, sang God Bless America and Sweet Caroline respectively, and were close to HAWT. Pedro Martinez threw the ceremonial first pitch. Jeter was totally rawking HAWT! (yeah, yeah, I know...he’s a Yankee, but he is still HAWT!)

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – A Chinese ship carrying 975 tonnes of heavy fuel oil and 65,000 tonnes of coal has run aground in the Great Barrier Reef and is spilling crap into the ocean. The Reef, a World Heritage Site could be severely compromised from this, as the oil will destroy the abundant, incredible, specialized ocean environment. The challenge now is to get the boat out of there without it breaking apart and spilling the rest of its load. This begs the question, YET AGAIN – why in the name of all that is fucking holy are these ships allowed to pass through these areas? This is not the first time we have seen a very delicate environment destroyed by crap ships that are not doubled-hulled, that are in areas they should not be, that are overloaded with oil, that don’t have specialized marine pilots on board to navigate through these waters... Why do all the rules have to change to accommodate whatever the fuck the big oil companies what to do? Of course, this will be written off as human error, that the boat strayed by accident... HIRE SOME FUCKING COMPETENT PEOPLE TO BE AT THE HELM. The operation to get the boat out of there is starting today.

DATELINE: WHO THE HELL KNOWS NOW? – Graham James was a junior hockey coach who was convicted of sexually assaulting his players – the latest in the list is now Theoren Fleury, who revealed the assaults in his memoires last year and who went to police in January with his official report. In 1997, James pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual assault, one of his victims being Sheldon Kennedy, and was sentenced to... wait for it... 3.5 years in prison. That was criminal enough, serving such a short time for 11 years of sexually assaulting boys he was entrusted to teach, coach, guide. It has now been revealed that James has been granted a pardon for his crimes. In 2007, James’ criminal convictions are now out of sight, leaving the impression that perhaps they were made in error and overturned, and making it infinitely harder for any more convictions should more charges against him arise. While the original sentence is, to be totally blunt, nothing more than a fucking joke considering the nature and scope of the crimes committed, to grant this man a pardon makes the justice system a farce. The sadder statistic... in 2006/7, the Canadian Parole board issued 7,672 pardons for lesser offences and 7,076 for those convicted of serious offences. In that time period, only 103 applications for pardon were denied. I am sorry, but this system SUCKS. Unless a conviction is overturned in a court of law, a conviction for ANY serious crime, especially sexual crimes that involve children, should not be eligible for parole. The fucking asshole who commits the crime should have to wear that fucking conviction the rest of his life. God knows, his victims have no choice in the matter. James’ whereabouts is not known, but it is believed he has been coaching hockey in Europe.

DATELINE: ROME – Since we are on the subject of stupid fucking laws, pedophiles and such, we may as well continue on with the ‘petty gossip’ about the Pope. While Cardinal Sodano hailed the Pope with accolades fit for a saint at Easter Mass, he mentioned the work of priests worldwide and the hard and good work they do. This is another of the things that totally pisses me off beyond belief about this whole fucking debacle – What does it take for this arrogant prick of a Pope to understand that every time one of these stories of abuse comes out, it hurts THOUSANDS of people... not just the victims and their families and their friends, but also all of the really good, honest priests who are priests for all the right reasons and do one hell of a great job at it. They are all painted with this shit, and the reason for that is not that we can’t trust all the priests, but that we cannot even remotely entertain the thought of trusting the church hierarchy or the Vatican to deal with these issues properly, honestly, openly or efficiently. They have harboured criminals, which in and of itself is a crime. It makes the pope, the cardinals, the bishops ALL complicit. I guess my question now is; do we wait for the Pope to get off his fat stupid royal elitist ass and do something about this, or do we wait for some government to get off their asses and start to take legal action. Yes, I know there is a separation of church and state, and that it is necessary, BUT our countries have laws for the protection of the people. These laws include that no children should be sacrificed on the altar of religious masterbatorial and carnal needs. Laws have been broken and that needs to be addressed by something more than pantywaist inquiries that have no fucking teeth. And for all my fellow Catholics; be a ‘messenger of Christ’s victory over evil’ as the Pope asks us to be today. It is time to speak in the only language recognized by the church hierarchy, so when you go to fill your collection envelopes, send the cheque instead to a charity that helps abused children, and put the receipt into the envelope for the collection plate. Perhaps if we all do this enough, they will understand that we want to see the problem ended and we recognize who the real victims are.

DATELINE: BAJA, CALIFORNIA – A 7.2 Easter Day Earthquake had some people in southern California and Mexico a’shaking and a’baking on the beaches. This is the third major quake to hit the America’s in as many months – scary enough. Thankfully despite the magnitude of the shake, the damage and human toll was pretty much contained, unlike in Chile and Haiti.

DATELINE: DUBAI – A British couple had their conviction upheld on appeal, and will be facing one month in jail and then deportation because... they kissed... in public. Yes, while men who molest boys in Canada walk around free (sort of like those priests, huh?), in Dubai, you go to jail for a peck on the cheek. You have to wonder about the incredibly sorry life of the woman who reported this terrible offensive behaviour to police. The irony; it’s okay to beat your wife or girlfriend, it’s okay to sexually abuse a woman, but apparently kissing is a problem. They will also face a $300 fine for drinking alcohol. They have 30 days to appeal the appeal.