DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011


DATELINE: GETTING THE FOAM FINGER READY AND LOCKING UP THE CAT – Yes! Finally it is that most wonderful time of the year, when those little tidbits from training camp start trickling out to us, whetting our appetites with news of roster changes and pitching camps. The sport of (very fucking hawt) gentleman is warming up, and soon we will be able to spend out weekends drooling at Adrian Beltre , Mark Scutaro, Kevin Youkilis, Jacoby Ellsbury and JD Drew, while wanting to take a baseball bat and ram it up Francona’s ass when he is doing stupid shit. We can curse at the likes of A Rod and AJ Burnet, the A in both case standing for arrogant and asshole, depending on context, and in some cases, it stands for both, yet marvel at the pitching ability of CC Sabathia and the incredibly cute smile of Derek Jeter. We can hope that Kendry Morales will be back in the game, and hold our breath in hopes that Bud Black and his Padres will pull off another exciting, incredible season. Yes, it’s time for peanuts and popcorn, and for the stupid fucking cat to bite me on the back of the head as I sing along with the seventh inning stretch. This year damned well better offer my first, and hopefully not my last, chance to see at least some of those incredibly awesome men with the gorgeous asses in person. Woooooooooo Hooooooooooo…. Baseball season is almost here!!!

DATELINE: CHEWING HIM UP AND SPITTING HIM OUT – You have to wonder when Tiger Woods is going to get a fucking break… well, okay, maybe not a fucking break, because that is what landed him in the soup last time, but you know what I mean. This weekend, while playing in the Dubai Desert Classic, Tiger hocked a loogie on the 12th green, something that is virtually considered a crime in the Arab nation. Here is a little hint to all you globe trotters – when in another country, it’s a good idea to check the local laws. Remember that whole thing about farting in Malawi? Who the hell wants it to be said on international television that you went to the slammer for five days for farting in public? Sorry… I digress. While I have a hard time believing all the shit that has hit the fan about a fucking loogie, especially considering some of the things Tiger has done both on and off the course, I have to say ‘Tiger, what the fuck is the matter with you?’ If you hocked a loogie on my grass, I would kick your fucking ass! It’s disgusting! Other people have to use that green. How would you like to kneel down to size up a putt and, when you stand up, find a gob of snot on your knee? For the love of all that is fucking holy, use your god damned brain! If spitting is something you just HAVE to do, disgusting and absolutely no-class as it is, then hire someone to walk around behind you carrying a spittoon.

DATELINE: TAKING OFF THE GLOVES – Well, I could totally fucking kiss Mario Lemieux. Finally someone has the balls to stand up and ask ‘where the fuck are the hockey players and why are all these idiot no-talent thugs on the fucking ice?’ After the incident years ago with that idiot asshole Todd Bertuzzi when he violently, unnecessarily, stupidly and hatefully attacked Steve Moore, the skill of real hockey players means absolutely nothing anymore. There are more ‘enforcers’ on the ice than anything else. Well, finally, after the match last Friday between the Penguins and the Islanders, Lemieux reached his breaking point, questioning why he is involved with an organization that is concerned absolutely only with the money and the spectacular of the fights and the cash value of the blood on the ice, instead of preserving the actual game of hockey. The statistics from that game are fucking disgusting… 346 minutes of penalties, 10 players ejected from the fame, 15 major fights, 20 misconducts. While checks and hits are a part of the game, assaults on other players that are not part of the play are just that – criminal assaults. It’s nice, though, that the NHL has adopted the Vatican approach to law and misconduct… we can police ourselves, because the laws that dictate behavior everywhere else in the country don’t seem to apply on a sheet of fucking ice.