DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011

DATELINE: GOBBLER’S KNOB (CAUSE WHY FUCK WITH THE PLACE NAME WHEN IT IS ALREADY SO PERFECT) – Punxsutawney Phil did the smart thing today… he said we would see an early end to winter. Let me ask you this; would ANY rodent in its right mind, on the day of the worst snow storm of the new millennium, really have the fucking balls to say there will be another six weeks of winter? The stupid thing is that, up here, it doesn’t matter a flying fig what the damned rodent says… we KNOW there will be another six fucking weeks. Only 16 times since 1887 has Phil predicted an early spring. How the hell old is that fucking fleabag anyway? For the sake of regional equality, this year Shubenacadie Sam in Nova Scotia also did not see his shadow, Wiarton Willie is seeing nothing from the little coffin he was buried in last year, and Balzac Billy is still sleeping because the sun is not yet out in Alberta (although, seriously??? There are no fucking groundhogs in Alberta so I suspect he is an imposter… a fuckin gopher in groundhog clothing?)

DATELINE: STANDING IN LINE AT BORDER SECURITY – Once again, a politician (well, two in this case) opens his mouth and spews shit all for the sake of hearing his own voice and telling people what they need to fear. In a statement that truly shows the height of his intelligence, Joe Lieberman, mimicked by Senator Susan Collins of Maine, proposed that all Canadian travel to the US should not only require a passport, but should also now require a visitor’s Visa. He said it is because the border between us has miles of unprotected areas and we heathen Canadians can cross unchallenged. We can’t, but what the hell. If he bothered to check the statistics, he would know that there are more incidents of people trying to break into Canada than to break out of it… not that it matters. It’s simply a dumbass idea, wrapped in a billion fucking miles of red tape, that would kill cross-border shopping (because who the hell is going to bother with the paperwork for weeks just to go across the line to buy underwear from Target), it will severely impact the flow of goods across the border, and it will impact tourism, all at a time where none of us can really afford to be throwing a wrench into economic recovery. Do none of these assholes ever really consider what the hfuck they are proposing before they open their damned mouths?

DATELINE: THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE – A 13-year-old boy was beaten by a mob of seven other schoolmates raging in ages from 13 to 17. Think about that for a minute… what the fuck is a 17 year old doing hanging out with and beating on a 13 year old? Oh, wait… the victim was not born in the USA, so of course that is grounds to be hit, kicked, pushed into a tree, hung on a fence, chased down…. His family moved to North America to live the American dream; instead they get the new North American Nightmare. The really wonderful thing about this gaggle of fucking geniuses is that, praise the Lord and pass the fucking ego, they used their cell phones to record what they did to the boy, planning to post it on the social network. Their mouths got the best of them though, and authorities were alerted and got their hands on the video before it could be posted, but not before the boy was put through absolute hell. The videos taken show the boy screaming for help and at least one person walking by and doing nothing, not even calling 911. The 7 suspects were taken from their school classrooms in handcuffs, and are facing charges of kidnapping, aggravated assault, criminal restraint, terroristic threats, reckless endangering of another person, and conspiracy.

DATELINE: IN A HOTEL, SCREWING – Well, corkscrewing, that is. Portuguese model Renato Seabra was in a hotel in Manhattan with Carlos Castro, a TV journalist from her home land, and her companion. Things got out of hand in the hotel room, and after over an hour of being attacked and abused by Castro, Seabra felt the need to defend herself… with a corkscrew to his nuts. There is a slight bit of poetic justice in that. After shish kaballing him, she beat him with a computer monitor and stabbed him in the face. She is still held in custody, awaiting trial for second-degree murder.

DATELINE: HIDING BEHIND THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS – I will never understand why the fuck there is a statute of limitations where charges of sexual abuse are concerned, but it’s something that needs to be changed. It is possibly some small comfort for the many victims of Claude Foulk though that he might still face 280 years in jail. Foulk was the director of a California state mental hospital who habitually lured young men into his lair, sexually abusing them, hiding behind his title and authority. He did this for over 40 years. Despite the victims that have come forward, the only charges he faces are in regard to the ongoing sexual abuse of his own adopted son. The charges, 35 of them regarding that one victim, range from Lewd and lascivious acts on a child to sodomy by use of force. He started this particular string of abuse from the time his son was 9. Despite the fact that 11 other men have come forward with claims of abuse, none of those incidents could result in charges because of the statute of limitations. Among the list of witnesses/victims who testified against Foulk was one of his foster sons. In his defense, the jury was told the accusation against Foulk were of the same credibility of sightings of UFO’s and the Loch Ness monster. Monster? This son of a bitch was in charge, for decades, of a facility that houses men and boys who have mental issues, so one can only speculate of what happened there. The court record, though, indicates that his primary choice of targets was the foster care system, and the boys within that circle. 280 years? Not near enough for this son of a bitch. I think he needs a little cell time with a Portuguese model and her corkscrew.

DATELINE: WITH HIS HEAD IN A FOG, TOTALLY INDIFFERENT TO THE FALLOUT OF HIS SHIT-STORM -- Charlie Sheen is, again, entering rehab. This is not news. This is fucking tired. Perhaps though some other over-privileged, over-paid, over-indulged Hollywood babies will see that while they are out fucking up their own lives and doing it in grand form, there is also a huge cost to the others around them. Again, the cast and crew of Sheen’s weekly show are fucked over. They don’t get a cool $2M an episode to tuck in the bank for a rainy day… they get paid shit wages and like everyone else, they have to work their asses off to make ends meet, and now, they get an unexpected unpaid holiday while Sheen tries to get his shit together. Why the hell do the networks allow this crap? Why are ‘celebrities’ not held to account? The fucking wages for all these people, over 300 of them, should come from the money that Sheen should be penalized for every god damned week he is not able to work. In NO other industry would this be allowed to happen. In a business where the chasm between the haves and the have-nots, the stars and the peons, there needs to be more equity. If nothing else, the crews who have to work under these conditions, the constant wondering if and when they will be able to work, despite having what is supposed to be a regular job and income, should get fucking hazard pay. Grow the hell up, Sheen! You want to fuck up your life, have at it, but its time you realized that what you do, sadly, impacts a whole lot more lives than just your own. I can’t believe I would agree with Joan Rivers about anything, but yes, you are an asshole.