Friday, February 11, 2011



– You know, the kind that keeps coming back on ya? So it is with Arnie ‘Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way’ Schwarzenegger. He set out his road map… Body Builder cum Action Movie Star (sic) cum Politician (sic-er), because public service was the highest position a person could have. So, what the fuck do you do when you aren’t in office anymore? Well, of course, you go back to making those blockbuster well-acted action movies. I can’t wait for more of that erudite dialogue writers create for him, those stirring three-word sentences that seem to tax his acting skills, but hell, who needs words when you have Ahhhnie on the big screen. Ahhh, to remember Eraser, Terminator, Expendables, End of Days, The Long Goodbye… Arnie, honey, you big dope, pay attention to the fucking titles of your movies; I think someone is trying to send you a message *wink wink*.

DATELINE: OLD MADAM MacDONALD’s FARM AND HOUSE OF TEA LEAVES – There was an octopus who predicted soccer, rodents who predict weather, so what the fuck, lets add an opossum to the roster, just because. Heidi the cross-eyed overweight opossum has got a new gig; predicting the Oscar winners. Look out Roger Ebert! Bring on the box office bitchslap of all times, bearing in mind that poor Heidi has no thumbs, and we really have no idea what she will be doing to show her approval. Of course, she will not be allowed on the red carpet; can’t have any of those lovely starlettes tripping on a fucking possum poo, but she will be there in spirit. Not to worry; we are getting ready to cash in next year… Bjorn the Farting Jackass is boning up already so he can predict the upcoming political races, and I have no doubt that Ursula the Pot-Bellied Pig will have Superbowl in the bag.

DATELINE: MAKING A BIG BONG BOOBOO – Miley Cyrus said this week that the bong video was not a good idea… because of her fans and because of what she stands for. Heaven forbid she just says it was a stupid fucking thing to do. Heaven forbid she make an effort to use her ‘star power’ to tell all those stupid fucking sheep fans of hers what a god damned dumb thing is it and how, even though the crap she was doing is legal, it’s also lethal, many times on the first experiment. Noooo… but at least she made the fucking effort, months after the fact, to say something maybe not completely idiotic… now if she could just make the effort to put some guts behind the effort and perhaps make a difference to some kids who are about to kill themselves.

DATELINE: WHERE ART AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING STUPIDITY MEET – Wafaa Bilal is an arts professor. One assumes that with a degree, a person might actually have a fucking brain. I guess that was my first mistake. Last December, as part of a piece of ‘performance art’ this rocket scientist had a titanium plate implanted in his head… to hold the camera that was to be the eyes at the back of his head! Absolutely fucking brilliant, because the view is so much better that way. Now, because his body is rejecting the plates, they had to be removed. Bilal said that he had been in constant pain from the start of his project, but will continue on, this time with the camera strapped to the back of his neck. Hello??? He had surgery to plant the fucking thing in his head! One suspects that concrete screws might have been necessary, but it begs the question ‘why the fuck did he not just strap the camera there in the first place?’. It’s to be hoped this asshole paid for his own surgeries… both of them, because if insurance companies or the government had to fork out for this, someone got royally fucking hosed. It’s to be hoped the next piece of ‘performance art’ he undertakes will involve the implanting of a camera up his ass – I bet people would line up to help with that procedure, although the toe of my fucking shit-kickers would probably do an admirable enough job.

DATELINE: COVETING THY CO-STAR’S BODY – Now, if the co-star was Antonio Banderas, I would be all fucking over that. However, the stars in question in this story are Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. Aniston was soooo blown away by Kidman’s abs that she actually had to touch them. *rolls eyes* Well, Jen, honey, Nicole might have a fucking 6-pack, but I have the whole fucking beer truck. You want to cop a feel of that too? What is truly amazing is that this crap is actually considered news… with Kidman’s money and resources, Fat Albert could be buff too.

DATELINE: LIKE A GOOD BOYSCOUT, PRACTICING MAYBE GOOD BEHAVIOR – Now THIS is fucking news… there is no news about Charlie Sheen. Seriously… we have a Charlie Sheen free day. I realize that he is in rehab, but that doesn’t seem to stop the tabloids from finding something to tell us about him… the color of his shit, how many times he farted in church, but today… nada! Holy fucking crap. However, never let it said that Bambi doesn’t have a fucking heart; it is good that he is getting help, and it is hoped that he will be able to make some progress and clean up his life.

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