DAILY NEWS - February 14th, 2011 VALENTINE'S DAY!

Nothing says HAPY VALENTINE'S DAY Like a Picture of Muammar Gadddafi!!

DAILY NEWS, FEBRUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUGE FUCKING NUT IN THE NUT BOWL – While the rest of the world congratulates the people of Egypt on their incredible, peaceful push for democracy and human rights, enter that totally fucking insane Sultan of Sweet, Muammar Gaddafi. As some of you may remember, this wonderful piece of egomaniacal international shit is the one who brought us such events as the Locherbie plane crash and the murder of athletes at the Munich Olympics. He has a full roster of this sort of crap, having been in control of his country for the past 41 years. Now he is calling on the people of Palestine to stand up and revolt against Israel, to crowd the wall and man boats until the Israelis back down and give them freedom. God forbid he pass up the chance to create havoc and effect death. Of course, he could not pass up the opportunity to encourage Muslim countries to rise up against Western Powers, because we in the ‘white countries’ are the enemies of Islam. It should be pointed out that this fucking revolutionary dictator has made it illegal for anyone to object to him or his rule – so much for democracy. He also is very well known for his very open encouragement and support of anyone who wants to attack the west, including offering free weapons and supplies to anyone planning an attack against Europe or North America. It should also be noted that George Bush, that good old boy and model of excellent fucking judgment, took Libya and Gaddafi off the list of countries that support and harbor terrorists, but that was because of a nice little $2.7B that Libya still has not made good on. But what the fuck? He has the oil, so he should be the king of the back room ass reaming.

DATELINE: STILLWITH OUR HAND IN THE NUT BOWL – Sarah Palin has hired a new heavy duty Republican political advisor, Michael Glassner, to head her ‘political action committee’. This will be the man to help her when she runs for the White House in 2012. He will be in charge of those cutsey pukesy tweets, which will be a full-time job all by itself. Then there are the facebook status updates, and the negotiations about which reality television show Sarah should attempt next. Michael, honey, let me give you a little tip; duct tape. Seriously, it was created for problems just like Sarah Palin, and not just for across her mouth! That’s the fucking beauty of it – you can tape her fingers so she stays away from the fucking keyboard, and it can double as a replaceable Palm Pilot for her, so she can just rip off a layer to find out what her next stupid fucking answer should be. Or, pick up some shares in some Jose, because you just might be needing it!

DATELINE: HEADING TO THE ‘SHOULD HAVE THEIR NUTS WHACKED OFF’ DEPARTMENT – Yes, you guessed it! Another Catholic Church Cardinal has been accused of covering up for and protecting an abusive priest. This time it is Cardinal Ad Simonis, who moved an abusive priest to another parish where he was able to abuse some more. Yes, he admits it, but he says… wait for it… he thought the priest had changed, so he didn’t even bother monitoring the asshole’s behavior. The initial reports of the abuse came from the priest’s Bishop. For some absolutely impossible to fathom reason, the name of the priest is not being released. This would be the same Cardinal Ad Simonis who, last year, said there was absolutely no knowledge of any abuse by any priest in the Netherlands, but somehow, by some fucking miracle, there surfaced records of over 200 allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests there. One wonders what the fuck Cardinal Ad Simonis was doing all those years when this was happening.

DATELINE: DYING FOR SOMEONE TO CUT THE RED TAPE BULLSHIT – Birgilio Marin-Fuentes was driving to Portland Adventist Medical Center because he was not feeling well. As he pulled into the underground parking garage, under the Emergency Parking Only sign, he crashed his car. Finally someone noticed his wreck and went in to the hospital to report it to a police officer in the emergency room. Officers Angela Luty and Robert Quick found the man, but 20 minutes had passed from the time he had crashed, and he was now unconscious and unresponsive. The police officers started CPR and a third officer ran into the emergency, 125 feet away, to get help. The help he got? Advice to call 911. Yes, the man was in the parking lot of the hospital, an 8 second stroll away from what he needed, and yet there was nothing… NOTHING done by medical staff to help him. Although the hospital says it did send out a security officer with a mobile defibrillator, and a paramedic, the police reported that no one came to help them until the ambulance arrived. Of course, the hospital claims it is protocol to not go out there because what if the patient needs to be extricated? Well, you fucking help him while he is being extricated then, don’t you? An independent investigation has been requested, thank Christ, because hospital staff do have a responsibility to treat anyone critically injured on their premises, including parking lots. Sadly, this bullshit happens too often, excused by the claims of insurance regulations, hospital policy and state protocols, but that is all nothing but absolute bull crap. You have an obligation to help people in trouble medically. One also assumes you were issued with a heart. Too bad there was no one with a fucking heart around when Mr. Marin-Fuentes was desperately in need of a doctor.

DATELINE: LOVING IT UP FOR VALENTINES DAY – Let it not be said that Bambi does not have a soft side, a romantic bent that she prefers to keep under wraps. Well, in honor of the day, thanks to the Bronx Zoo, I can name a roach for the one I love. Hell, for $10 I can afford to have a couple of lovers. These Madagascar hissing roaches are the biggest and loudest of all the roaches, so what could be better to pass on that message of love? Just to give you a few tidbits about your lovers namesake, these fucking buggers can climb up glass, and they hiss when they are disturbed, horny or pissed off. These little darlings can live up to five fucking years. Some people keep them as pets. The only advantage with Dash the Cockroach is that by dropping $5.95 at the local Walmart for a can of Raid, I can keep the son of a bitch under control. Give your lover that present they will remember for fucking every… nothing says love like a cockroach.