ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: SINGING THE BOOB SERENADE – Well, the opera is not dead, but it could well be that Richard Thomas’ newest attempt at putting a new spin to the art (Anna Nichole, The Opera) could well place opera on the critical list. How the hell could a strong, evil Scarpia compete with Anna Nichol singing an aria expressing… and I am not making this up… her absolute delight in her new breasts. Talk about adding some fucking meat to a performance! And Madam Butterfly, eat your heart out, because Anna, at the end of the first act, stands on top her wedding cake with her new old… er… old new… er… the billionaire she married who was 63 years older than she was. Can art get much better than this? Imagine her doctor singing about her options as far as cup size goes and her dead son finally getting to sing after he is dead, his aria listing the many drugs found in his system when he was dead. The truly disturbing part of all of this is that the remaining five shows are sold out. What the fuck are you people thinking?

DATELINE: CONTROLLING HIS IMPULSES – Well, that’s what Charlie Sheen wants the world to think. If you can believe, with bravado matched only by the Vatican as they reprimand Berlesconi about his sexual indiscretions, Sheen publicly offered up some ‘sound’ advice for Lindsay Lohan. Now there are two fucking pod peas! “Work on your impulse control. Just think things though a little bit before you do them.” Wow. Too bad Charlie never thought of this before he beat his wife, before he tried to mainline cocaine a couple years ago, before he went on a two-day whore and whiskey bender, before he spent a wild and crazy 38 hours seeing just how much crap he could put into his system and live… While I admire his attempt to want to reach out to someone, to offer help, to provide some insight based on experience. It would just have a little more fucking credibility if it came after something more than a fucking two days of sobriety.

DATELINE: FAILING IN HER NEW ROLE AS MARIE ANTOINETTE – Imagine the fucking tragedy!! Turning thirty and having no cake? I have no idea how the hell Paris Hilton managed it. You would think with more money than God, she might have been able to find someone to make her a cake. I can totally understand the scope of this horror! No cake? On her birthday? Well stop the fucking presses! To be fair, she had arranged for a cake… a $3,200 fucking cake with Lucid-brand absinthe mixed into the batter, but it was stolen by some asshat named Paz. If Paz had some fucking balls he would say who he is, but it really doesn’t matter a flying fuck. While this news is rocking the developed world, one has to wonder just how many people in Haiti have celebrated their birthdays this last year without any cake, let alone a fucking $3,200 cake. How the hell is that even possible… to spend that much money on cake that, three hours later you are just going to crap out? The story should not be that the cake was gone… the story should be that the cake was even fucking contemplated when so many have absolutely nothing. This bullshit is enough to make a person puke.

DATELINE: LOADED FOR BEAR – You just have to love fucking reality television, especially when they set up situations that, for the sake of adding drama to what is in truth boring as watching shit on a stick, result in the needless death of an animal. The show Gold Rush: Alaska is about a group of unemployed people trying to strike it rich. In a breathtaking sequence at the start of one of their shows, a black bear is shown in camp. (It is believed to have been drawn there by improperly stored food ). The bear threatened no one, nothing was damaged by the creature, but the ‘star’ of the show, Greg Remsburg, states, while with great theatrical aplomb he crams a shell into the rifle chamber, “That bear’s not going to get in between my son and I. That I guarantee ya.” So, for no reason other than to perhaps bump up ratings, the bear, or rather a bear (because it is believed by the Department of Natural Resources, after an investigation into the shooting) other than the one that was in the camp earlier, ended up shot. You just gotta love that Sarah Palin ‘I gots my gun and come hell or high water I will find something to fucking shoot with it’ attitude. This is just one more reason why reality tv should be illegal.