DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2011

DATELINE: CRAWLING TO THE APP STORE ON MY KNEES – Is it possible? The purification of confession with the security of not having to go into a confessional with a priest – yours now for the very reasonable price of $1.99 at the App store? Actually, according to the Vatican, you are not able to phone in or email in your sins, but don’t worry or stress about what you might have to still say – compared to the sins of the church, how the hell bad can your own sins be? To use this app, you start off by entering your age and sex… because these are things you are ‘appt’ to forget, or because they might make a difference in how your sins are treated, the church still falling a bit behind on that gender equality thing. You then are led through the required 'examination of conscience'; the one programmed into the app is based on the Ten Commandments, however, you can override those and customize your own guidelines – wouldn’t you love to see what guidelines fucking Cardinal Law has programmed in? Once you have gone through your checklist, head off to church. The app will guide you through the whole process, and at the end, it includes all the necessary prayers that might be required as part of your penance. I suspect there will even be a button there to play the damned things so you don’t have to… which will certainly put a dent into Dial-A-Prayer’s business.

DATELINE: WITH YOUR BAALS TO THE WALL – Is there any greater honor to be bestowed on a man than to have his name on a street or a building in his home town? It’s tradition, it’s American, it’s… not in the cards for the former mayor of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Despite a poll that indicated the people of that fair city believed the man was more than worthy of having his name on the new government center, Harry Baals has been snubbed. I’m sorry, but I believe that if anyone can get fucking voted into public office with the name Harry Baals, then he damned well does deserve to have his name on a building, a street, a playground... hell, I think it would be a great fucking new name for Iran, something totally nuts that would go so well with that bedbug-crazy asshole Ahmadinejad. People would bust down the doors trying to buy up #69 Harry Baals Drive. Sounds like one hell of a great new address for the girls down at Pinky’s. Harry’s folks obviously had one hell of a sense of humor. The only thing that could possibly be better is if he married Myra Maines.

DATELINE: READING X-RAYS AND WHATEVER OTHER FILMS YOU HAVE – If there is one place where people need to have absolute security, it is when they go to the doctor. Any violation of this trust is a breach of the most hideous kind, and yet… Dr. Barry Rabinovitch, a pulmonologist at the Montreal Chest Institute and the Queen Elizabeth Health Centre, would ask his female patients to disrobe, and while they were naked, he would take video of them with his hidden camera. Don’t worry though… the 56-year old fucking pervert asshole married father of two said the movies were meant only for his own personal gratification (read that as wienie-wanking films) and not for anyone else, including the students he also teaches at McGill University. For this breach, the man should be hung up by his balls, and every woman he violated should be allowed to beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat for the exact length of time she was illegally filmed. What did he get? Suspended, for four fucking months, and a $3000 fine, because his victims were not violated enough already. This fucking asshole’s name should be pasted everywhere across this God damned country and he should never be allowed to teach, touch or practice whatever the fuck it is he is practicing, while getting paid boatloads of taxpayers’ money for doing it.

DATELINE: AT THE DUMP, DROPPING OFF THE SCALES OF JUSTICE – Math is not my strong suit. I make no fucking secret of that. However, no matter how hard I try, there is no way to possibly add up the numbers here in any way that makes some sort of god damned sense. A German man, who can only be identified as Detlef S, is charged with… wait for it… 385 counts of sexual abuse and misconduct. Yes, I checked to make sure I had that number right… 385. 350 sexual abuse charges resulted from twenty years of torture and abuse forced on his daughter, his stepdaughter and his stepson. The remaining 35 counts are in relation to him forcing the two girls to have sex with other men for money… yes, the bastard prostituted his own children. He molested his daughter when she was nine; for her twelfth birthday, he raped her for the first time. What a fucking peach! He began his abuse of his twin stepchildren when they were four. Through his forced assaults, his step-daughter gave birth to eight more children for him (he has admitted paternity, but denies any sexual assault… like it was a fucking miracle.) The judge hearing the case has ordered an investigation into the possibility that he assaulted at least one of these children as well. So… 385 counts, 20 years of hands-on hell and a lifetime of torture for the three children, and he is looking at a maximum possible sentence of 15 years in jail if he is found guilty? What the fuck is that? 15 years? There is no punishment in the world that even comes close to what this fucking asshole did, and the courts in Germany need to make sure Detlef S never sees the light of day again, at least not with his fucking junk intact.

DATELINE: IN REHAB, THE MALIBU WAY – After a miraculous recovery from all that ails him, Charlie Sheen explained on Monday that he is not to blame for the fact that the crew of Two and a Half Men are not working. He claims he is ready to work, that his hiatus was forced on him by the powers that be, and that he was beating on the backstage door waiting for them to let him in to work. Why the hell shouldn’t he work? He’s clean and sober… at least for the moment, but he had no guarantees that he would stay that way. ‘They didn’t think it was going to happen this fast. But check it out – I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly.’ Well, there you go… can you ask for any more ownership of his problem or any better way of showing your intention to actually attempt to make it work? As for the morals clause in his contract, his reaction was “Yeah, blah blah nitpick nitpick, I haven’t read it, but I don’t think it covers 'let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life’.” Here is what someone needs to do with Mr. Up-Your-Ass, I-m-Worth-Millions-So-Kiss-My-Over-privileged-Ass; someone needs to pin that prick up by the ears and beat some fucking sense into him, then take him down to some place like Haiti, put two guards on him that cannot be bought, and make that son of a bitch work for a while, help someone other than himself, and sweat his way to fucking sobriety. He needs a fucking life and a reality check.