DAILY NEWS -- January 19th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: WAITING FOR THEIR ISSUE OF PITCHFORKS AND ASBESTOS SUITS – I have a great fucking idea... lets make the man who allowed this bullshit to happen, who particiapted in it, a saint! While reading this please remember that the 'Blessed' John Paul II was at the helm for ALL of this, for more than twenty years. It was only a matter of time before it came about… you just fucking knew it was going to happen, but it would have been much better to have happened many years ago. A letter has surfaced, one stating in no uncertain terms (despite absolutely ludicrous attempts by the current Vatican legal buffoons to claim otherwise) that bishops were instructed to not report any incidents of child abuse or pedophilia to legal authorities. This is a two part story. In the first part, we learn of the letter that was sent to Irish bishops shortly after they released a paper and policy about having to take action against priest pedophilia in their country. The letter was the work of Archbishop Luciano Storero, the Vatican’s diplomat in Ireland, and stressed that the Congregation of the Clergy, a very senior panel at the Vatican, headed by Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos (in 1997 and now) ruled that the Irish church’s new policy of mandatory reporting of abuse to legal authorities conflicted with canon law. Such reporting “gives rise to serious reservations of both a moral and canonical nature”. Moral? This fucking asshole dared to say there were moral issues involved with reporting a crime to the police? He called the document prepared by the Irish bishops to be nothing more than a ‘study document’ and that the current church law which required all abuse allegations to be handled only within the church ‘must be meticulously followed’. It should be noted that Cardinal Castrillon Hoyos is the same cardinal who told a Colombian radio station that under no circumstance should a person be forced to report abuse. He stated in a radio interview “The law in nations with a well-developed judiciary does not force anyone to testify against a child, a father, against other people close to the suspect. Why would they ask that of the church? That is injustice.” I have no idea what fucking planet he lives on, but the sexual abuse of a child is the injustice, allowing someone to continue to do so, with a steady supply of victims, is injustice, and when the hell did the church become the equivalent of a family member? In a nice little aside, this fucking asshole, in 2001, sent a letter of congratulations to a bishop in France because said bishop successfully concealed, in legal proceedings, his knowledge of a priest who was raping and abusing minors, netting that pedophile priest a suspended sentence. I suspect someone should be looking into how many people Castrillon Hoyos has abused, because my spidey senses are going nuts that this guy is working overtime to hide his own shit and justify it in some totally disgusting manner.

The second part of the story is that Vatican legal counsel has said the letter that was issued in 1997 telling the bishops they were forbidden from reporting any abuse cases was ‘deeply misunderstood’. Take a minute to think about that. A letter that explicitly says they are not to report it because it will be handled in-house was ‘deeply misunderstood’? Oh please, elucidate for us! According to Rev. Federico Lombardi, the intent of the 1997 letter to bishops in Ireland was to simply ensure that church law was followed to the letter so that priests who were pedophiles would not be able to evade church punishment because of a technicality. What? I think they have been watching too much fucking Law and Order. They didn’t want to have the assholes evade church punishment… which at the time equaled an all-expense paid transfer to a new parish and a new flock. The time has come for the world to STOP pussyfooting around Rome, the Pope and the Vatican. It is time for a global effort to stop the systematic epidemic of abuse within the church. Search warrants should be issued to access their records… ALL of them, diplomatic ties should be cut… ALL of them, and parishioners should pull their heads out of their asses and take a fucking stand with a whole lot of empty collection plates, because in all seriousness, there but for the grace of God, go their own children. No child is safe where the Catholic Church is concerned, and if that isn’t the saddest fucking statement I have ever typed, I don’t know what is, because I have know a number of absolutely wonderful, devoted, honorable men who have dedicated their life to serving God and would never hurt a child. There aren’t enough of them though, and the time has come to stop this bullshit. The crime now is if they are allowed to get away with this for even one more fucking day.

DATELINE: SITTING ON THE ROYAL CRAPPER – Oh, wait… that should be throne. A new private members bill was presented to British politicians, proposing that the rule of succession for the British throne be amended to remove the exclusion of sex as a factor in who ranks where in the royal family chain. This is in preparation for the next generation of Windsors as Prince William and Kate Middleton prepare to marry – because we just aren’t hearing enough about that already. Should their first child be a girl, Labour MP Keith Vaz believes she should have the right of first succession regardless of whether or not she has a younger brother. That it has taken this fucking long for the brits to get around to this is disgusting. That we should really give a rat’s ass about who takes the throne, because it is really only a photo op position of absolutely no authority or import, is ludicrous and, honestly, insulting. In a time where people are struggling to make ends meet, where we go from day to day wondering if we will have a roof over our heads come the end of the month, to watch the hubbub with a multi-million dollar glitter-fest is insulting and hateful, especially when you look at many of the starving, dying children in the many countries of the Queen’s Commonwealth.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF NUCKING FUTS!! – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in preparation of talks with world powers, stated that nothing will derail his nuclear program, which he claims is making steady process. Even ‘100,000 United Nations Security Council resolutions’ will stop his efforts, and there is no discussion to be had regarding Iran’s rights to enrich uranium. He will be meeting with US, British, French, German, Russian and Chinese officials – and despite the fact that good old Mahmoud is to power and authority, as Wimpy is to a fucking hamburger factory, what grounds do any of these countries have in denying someone else the right to enrich uranium? Other than Germany, they all have nuclear arsenals. I am not sure why India and Pakistan haven’t been invited to the party, and perhaps Israel could be standing in the back of the room, watching but feigning non-participation, but at any moment, any one of these countries could find themselves with an absolute fucking nutcase at the helm (it is seriously not beyond the realm of possibility! Some of em are awfully damned close already) and then where will we be? And what of those countries like Russia who make a hobby of selling this shit to other nutcases, like Huge Chavez, who is building up a very lovely arsenal himself? Who the hell are these countries to decide who has what weapons? Yes, it scares the living crap out of me that all these damned countries have nuclear capabilities. Sorry – but I am not so comfortable with any one of them that has the ability, because they are really only one nutcase away from causing major fucking destruction.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DAILY NEWS, SATURDAY JANUARY 15th, 2011
ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DATELINE: IN THE CLOSET WITH HIS DIOR GOWN AND MANOLO BLAHNIK SHOES – There is nothing so grand as a down and dirty, roll in the gutter, publicly fought celebrity divorce, and do we have a good one on the go now. Camille Grammer, talking to Howard Stern, has this week implied that Kelsey, the long-time star of his own show Frasier, is a cross-dresser. Now, I am not really sure just how that ‘happens’ to come up in conversation, and I am not really sure why the hell I am supposed to give a crap about what the man likes to wear under his trousers or under his own roof, but you have to admit, that gig worked like a charm for Klinger in M*A*S*H – it didn’t get him out of the army, but it sure as hell got him a great spot in our hearts. Camille, hon, perhaps it’s time you stopped trying to appeal to the court of public opinion, because we really don’t need to know the details, and you spewing this crap in the media only makes you look foolish. Take the high road… if he was an asshole, and one suspects that a phoned-in request for divorce is not only asshole-ish but also cowardly, you are better off to let him go (sans a couple cool million from his bank account) and let him seek his youth with his newest in-flight dish. Your life could be so much worse, like if he gave you a secret Brazilian retreat all of your very own, and it just got washed down the mudslide. Sorry, but it’s sympathy you want for your impending ‘hardships’, you’re better off looking in a dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ than you are crying to the public via Howard Stern. You are losing an asshole husband… not your home, not your health, not your life, so pull on some big girl panties… preferably not a set from Kelsey’s bureau, though, okay?

In other news, *insert eye roll here* Kelsey Grammer told David Letterman this week that he and his new love interest, Kayte Walsh are already planning to walk down the aisle next month. ‘She’s my new girl’ he said with a smile. Nice to know that women are disposable… either that, or he just has to keep something handy to nail with the old Grammer hammer.

DATELINE: WATCHING SPLASH-DOWN AFTER A METEORIC RISE – Three weeks ago, Ted Williams was standing on the side of a road holding a sign begging for money and work for his gifted voice. Two weeks ago, we watched the emotional reunion of Williams with his 93-year-old mother as he started down his road to fame and future. This week, there he was on Doctor Phil, having a very public ‘intervention’ because of a fight he had with his daughter, and his daughter’s accusations that he was drunk. Welcome to the world of celebrity. I hope that someone grabs a brain enough to help him navigate the hostile shark-filled waters he is now swimming in, that the media backs the hell off and, when Williams gets out of rehab, he is allowed to just live his damned life, with a job and an income – it’s all the guy was asking for.

DATELINE: CAUGHT IN A WEB OF DISASTER – At the risk of being mistaken for offering the first line of a joke, did you hear that the opening of the Spiderman production has been postponed? Again? For the gazillionth time? After having four actors injured in the production, a plethora of technical glitches, crappy reviews and, in December, the lead actress walking away from the project, they have announced that there will be another delay ‘to rehearse the new ending’. In the few performances that have been held, attendance has been almost a sell-out, but with the absolutely fucking crazy amount of money spent on this so far, it would have to sell out every performance for the next many years just to break even. If they don’t seriously get their shit together, I can already see the new ending in my mind’s eye… a charity benefit concert for major investor Bono.

DATELINE: DREAMING OF A REMOTE ISLAND WITH NO TELEVISION RECEPTION – Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement!! The two token celebs that will be partaking in the newest Survivor will be none other than Russell the pipsqueak asshole and Boston Rob, the most overused contestant in the history of reality television. Always searching for that one cutesy hook to bring the viewers back in to be voyeurs of the bitchy, backstabbing handshakes and deals for ‘survival’, the show has dipped into its bag of old, washed-up driftwood and come up with two contestants who in no way imaginable ‘need’ a million dollar win. Their participation should have been contingent on them donating their potential payout to charity but no, instead we will watch these two and their colossal egos lie, steal and cheat to get that holy grail that has evaded them for so long… well, okay, not really. Not in Boston Rob’s case, because he married the million dollar winner from his first time at bat, then won the million on The Amazing Race, but in his other two times on Survivor, he didn’t win, so really, give the poor guy a fucking break, right? And Russell… the poster child for Small Man Syndrome, with an ego the size of fucking Texas and the bank account to match, is on for his third time, so he can brag about how he controls the game all the way through, then bitch and whine at the end when the jury decides he is just too much of an asshole to be given the pot, and again we can see another display of amazing grace in defeat. There is a simple way to stop the bullshit… switch the pitch, people, and tell them all that their 15 minutes of fame is long gone.

DATELINE: LEADING THE PARADE AS THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN – I know this is not really a typical artsy-fartsy fluff crap day story, but what the hell… its theatre at its best, filled with irony and smoke and mirrors. Yesterday the Pope announced that Pope John Paul II has been beatified, moving him a step closer to sainthood. Whereas in most other cases it takes years, decades, even centuries for all the criteria to be met in order for the halo to be bestowed on holy head, this time we are taking the fast track. The only thing left on the old check-off sheet is the confirmation of one more miracle, and you know, those with the direct line to God have already predicted when it will come, and when the J2P2 will receive his final proclamation, complete with wings and harp. They are already planning for the investiture to take place, already proposing dates in 2011 when it will happen, are already making room for him in the nave of St Peter’s, the place where the truly holy are rolled to from their commonplace papal crypts in the basement. The coffin, interestingly will not be opened, although one of the standards for sainthood had been that the body does not decompose. Guess they don’t want to open that Pandora’s box. So, despite the many thousands of people who were raped and abused by priests during John Paul II’s reign, despite the many bishops and cardinals who were told to cover it up, despite the hundreds of thousands of orphaned children in Africa, alone because their parents perished from AIDS because the church forbids them to use condoms despite the fact that they tested HIV positive, despite the fact that many of these children themselves have AIDS and will die early in life because they have no way to afford the cost of treatment, despite the many backroom deals brokered to pay off and purchase the silence of victims while priests were taught to do the ‘Shuffle Off To Boston’ two-step, yes, we will bow down and scrape the ground before this man who deserved to be fast-tracked to sainthood. I guess it was better this way, before people really had the chance to assess all that he didn’t do.