ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DAILY NEWS, SATURDAY JANUARY 15th, 2011
ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DATELINE: IN THE CLOSET WITH HIS DIOR GOWN AND MANOLO BLAHNIK SHOES – There is nothing so grand as a down and dirty, roll in the gutter, publicly fought celebrity divorce, and do we have a good one on the go now. Camille Grammer, talking to Howard Stern, has this week implied that Kelsey, the long-time star of his own show Frasier, is a cross-dresser. Now, I am not really sure just how that ‘happens’ to come up in conversation, and I am not really sure why the hell I am supposed to give a crap about what the man likes to wear under his trousers or under his own roof, but you have to admit, that gig worked like a charm for Klinger in M*A*S*H – it didn’t get him out of the army, but it sure as hell got him a great spot in our hearts. Camille, hon, perhaps it’s time you stopped trying to appeal to the court of public opinion, because we really don’t need to know the details, and you spewing this crap in the media only makes you look foolish. Take the high road… if he was an asshole, and one suspects that a phoned-in request for divorce is not only asshole-ish but also cowardly, you are better off to let him go (sans a couple cool million from his bank account) and let him seek his youth with his newest in-flight dish. Your life could be so much worse, like if he gave you a secret Brazilian retreat all of your very own, and it just got washed down the mudslide. Sorry, but it’s sympathy you want for your impending ‘hardships’, you’re better off looking in a dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ than you are crying to the public via Howard Stern. You are losing an asshole husband… not your home, not your health, not your life, so pull on some big girl panties… preferably not a set from Kelsey’s bureau, though, okay?

In other news, *insert eye roll here* Kelsey Grammer told David Letterman this week that he and his new love interest, Kayte Walsh are already planning to walk down the aisle next month. ‘She’s my new girl’ he said with a smile. Nice to know that women are disposable… either that, or he just has to keep something handy to nail with the old Grammer hammer.

DATELINE: WATCHING SPLASH-DOWN AFTER A METEORIC RISE – Three weeks ago, Ted Williams was standing on the side of a road holding a sign begging for money and work for his gifted voice. Two weeks ago, we watched the emotional reunion of Williams with his 93-year-old mother as he started down his road to fame and future. This week, there he was on Doctor Phil, having a very public ‘intervention’ because of a fight he had with his daughter, and his daughter’s accusations that he was drunk. Welcome to the world of celebrity. I hope that someone grabs a brain enough to help him navigate the hostile shark-filled waters he is now swimming in, that the media backs the hell off and, when Williams gets out of rehab, he is allowed to just live his damned life, with a job and an income – it’s all the guy was asking for.

DATELINE: CAUGHT IN A WEB OF DISASTER – At the risk of being mistaken for offering the first line of a joke, did you hear that the opening of the Spiderman production has been postponed? Again? For the gazillionth time? After having four actors injured in the production, a plethora of technical glitches, crappy reviews and, in December, the lead actress walking away from the project, they have announced that there will be another delay ‘to rehearse the new ending’. In the few performances that have been held, attendance has been almost a sell-out, but with the absolutely fucking crazy amount of money spent on this so far, it would have to sell out every performance for the next many years just to break even. If they don’t seriously get their shit together, I can already see the new ending in my mind’s eye… a charity benefit concert for major investor Bono.

DATELINE: DREAMING OF A REMOTE ISLAND WITH NO TELEVISION RECEPTION – Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement!! The two token celebs that will be partaking in the newest Survivor will be none other than Russell the pipsqueak asshole and Boston Rob, the most overused contestant in the history of reality television. Always searching for that one cutesy hook to bring the viewers back in to be voyeurs of the bitchy, backstabbing handshakes and deals for ‘survival’, the show has dipped into its bag of old, washed-up driftwood and come up with two contestants who in no way imaginable ‘need’ a million dollar win. Their participation should have been contingent on them donating their potential payout to charity but no, instead we will watch these two and their colossal egos lie, steal and cheat to get that holy grail that has evaded them for so long… well, okay, not really. Not in Boston Rob’s case, because he married the million dollar winner from his first time at bat, then won the million on The Amazing Race, but in his other two times on Survivor, he didn’t win, so really, give the poor guy a fucking break, right? And Russell… the poster child for Small Man Syndrome, with an ego the size of fucking Texas and the bank account to match, is on for his third time, so he can brag about how he controls the game all the way through, then bitch and whine at the end when the jury decides he is just too much of an asshole to be given the pot, and again we can see another display of amazing grace in defeat. There is a simple way to stop the bullshit… switch the pitch, people, and tell them all that their 15 minutes of fame is long gone.

DATELINE: LEADING THE PARADE AS THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN – I know this is not really a typical artsy-fartsy fluff crap day story, but what the hell… its theatre at its best, filled with irony and smoke and mirrors. Yesterday the Pope announced that Pope John Paul II has been beatified, moving him a step closer to sainthood. Whereas in most other cases it takes years, decades, even centuries for all the criteria to be met in order for the halo to be bestowed on holy head, this time we are taking the fast track. The only thing left on the old check-off sheet is the confirmation of one more miracle, and you know, those with the direct line to God have already predicted when it will come, and when the J2P2 will receive his final proclamation, complete with wings and harp. They are already planning for the investiture to take place, already proposing dates in 2011 when it will happen, are already making room for him in the nave of St Peter’s, the place where the truly holy are rolled to from their commonplace papal crypts in the basement. The coffin, interestingly will not be opened, although one of the standards for sainthood had been that the body does not decompose. Guess they don’t want to open that Pandora’s box. So, despite the many thousands of people who were raped and abused by priests during John Paul II’s reign, despite the many bishops and cardinals who were told to cover it up, despite the hundreds of thousands of orphaned children in Africa, alone because their parents perished from AIDS because the church forbids them to use condoms despite the fact that they tested HIV positive, despite the fact that many of these children themselves have AIDS and will die early in life because they have no way to afford the cost of treatment, despite the many backroom deals brokered to pay off and purchase the silence of victims while priests were taught to do the ‘Shuffle Off To Boston’ two-step, yes, we will bow down and scrape the ground before this man who deserved to be fast-tracked to sainthood. I guess it was better this way, before people really had the chance to assess all that he didn’t do.

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY, JANUARY 7th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY, JANUARY 7th, 2011

DATELINE: OVER THE RAINBOW -- He lived in a tent, in Ohio, in the winter… Ted Williams had fallen on some hard times, had succumbed to drugs and booze, and was left to panhandle on mucky winter streets. That was on Monday. On Tuesday, he had been offered a job, a home, a chance to see is 94yr-old mother in New York, whom he hadn’t seen in twenty years. Do stories get any better than this? Not really… and the most astounding part of this is that it was so easy for someone to make a difference in the man’s life. Doral Chenoweth stopped to talk to Williams, to maybe do a story on him, but it just happens to be in Chenoweth’s nature to stop and talk and offer whatever help he can – a dollar, a blanket, a ride to a shelter, or even just a kind word. It was easy and profound all at the same time. Why is this not the norm? How many people out there could be saved by some simple act of kindness? How many starving children could be helped? How many kids who are turning towards drugs and the accompanying life theft, assault, abuse that goes with it could be helped with just a random act of human kindness? Embrace this story, learn from it, and take a minute from your hectic schedule – the Ted Williams’ of the world are not the only ones who win; the Doral Chenoweth’s also come out on top, because you have to believe that man’s smiling from ear to ear over what his 30-second sound bite did.

DATELINE: SOMEPLACE WHERE PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEIR HEADS UP THEIR ASSES – In complete and total fucking contrast with the first story, we now come to the story of Simone Beck, a 42-year-old woman in Brighton, England. On Christmas Day, she posted on her Facebook page that she had taken all her pills and was going to die. She said ‘bye bye’ to her friends. Like most things that have extreme highs associated with them, the downs are also more extreme – such is the case with Christmas as well, and it can be an incredibly depressing time for many. So, Simone reaches out to those friends she has, posts that she needs help in the most critical way. She was not ignored at all, though; her post received 148 responses… Let me say that again, for those of you not paying attention; Her post received 148 responses, including taunts, teasing, and a discussion about how Simone ‘OD’s all the time and lies’. This is from fucking friends? 148 fucking posts, and yet not one person called her, went to knock on her apartment door, contacted the police or anything else. Not one. It was 17 hours later when Simone’s mother was made aware of the post on Facebook, and called the police. Of course, it was too late by that time. 148 posts! It is just totally fucking unbelievable that NOT ONE PERSON could be bothered to respond in any sort of human way. I understand that for some it might have been overwhelming and they might have not known what to say – so phone the fucking police then! Phone her mother, her neighbor… but fucking phone someone! Hell, Facebook has a site set up so that you can contact someone if you are worried about a post… it would have taken a couple of key strokes to have saved her life, but no, they were too busy looking at a woman standing on the ledge of a fucking 20-storey building and screaming at her to jump just because they wanted to see the splat on the sidewalk. Just one Doral Chenoweth in Simone’s life might have made one hell of a difference. Everyone… absolutely everyone… who posted on Simone Beck’s last status should be totally fucking ashamed of themselves, but I have no doubt they all enjoyed their Christmas dinner just fine, thank you.

DATELINE: ON A DANCEFLOOR, DOING THE RESEARCH SHUFFLE – Like many parents, twelve years ago I listened carefully to the findings of Doctor Andrew Wakefield when he proposed his work made a direct connection between the incidents of Austism and the receiving of MMR booster shots in children. Like many parents, while the news did not cause me to stop getting booster shots for my children, it was more than enough to have me living in guilt for years at the thought of having destroyed my child’s life – yes, I have an autistic child, yes, I would young and desperate for some understanding of why he was autistic and yes, I am absolutely fucking furious as that asshat for what he did to parents and children all over the world. There are few things that piss me off more than people who prey on those who are desperate for help, because the vile depth of their moral abyss not only builds false hope while creating the asshat money, but it also creates huge distrust of the system and anything that might be legitimate information. That said, my anger does not lie with just Wakefield. What the fuck what the Lancet thinking publishing ANY study that was so unsubstantiated, based on a handful of study subjects without anything to substantiate it? We are talking the Lancet here! How much money did they make on that edition alone, as it was scooped up by parents who were desperate to not have their child ‘become’ autistic, or who were consumed by guilt because their child was autistic? They DO have to take some of the responsibility for what happened and the resulting outbreaks of measles and mumps, and the emotional crap they created for the parents of thousands of children. They are a professional medical paper, a reputable one, and they cannot just dump this on Wakefield’s door. Perhaps I should send in my research findings, that a vast number of people in this world are double-jointed and double-faced enough, stricken with the disease of greed, to be able to live with their heads up their own asses. I can surely create the numbers to support a study like that.

DATELINE: BUSTING BASTARD PAROLE BOARD MEMBERS ON BEACON HILL – On December 26th, police officer John ‘Jack' Maguire was shot on duty, responding to a robbery call at a Kohl’s store. Maguire, a 60-year-old husband, father, and veteran police officer was shot by Dominic Cinelli, who also died as a result of the ensuing gun battle. Already this is a tragic story… and it is about to get a whole lot worse. Cinelli was on parole from three… yes, THREE… life sentences, the result of a 9-page list of violent offences. I can here you already asking ‘Parole? This man had parole?’ For starters, Cinelli was not a man, he was a fucking asshole… but not as big as the assholes who voted unanimously for his release. Yes, there was not even one person on that Parole Board who thought there might be some issues releasing this fucking animal back onto the streets. As a result, a bi-partisan group of state senators is heading a push to have the entire parole board investigated and the people responsible for releasing Cinelli relieved of their duties. I will go you one better… they should make it a requirement that anyone who is paroled gets to live next door to a member of the parole board for two years after their release. Perhaps knowing that the assholes will be right there in their faces, beside their families, will make Parole Board members just a little more accountable for their fucking asshat decisions.

DATELINE: ENJOYING MEALS ON WHEELS – There is nothing like the taste of a good old vinyl seat from the back of a 2006 Impala police cruiser! Jesse Ray Stewart, an 18-year old who went on a bit of a spree of breaking into cars in New Port Richey, Florida, while he was pissed out of his mind, chowed down on the seat while being taken into custody. There is a lesson in this, people – stay away from the fucking BC Bud… damn, that crap makes you hungry for just about anything.