I'M BAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAACK

DAILY NEWS -- JUNE 26th, 2010

DATELINE: SEQUESTERED IN BELGIUM – Oh my dear Lord! Can you fucking believe it??? While police searched a church looking for any and all evidence relating to sexual abuse, the bishops that were inside the church were required to stay there!!! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the real fucking world, asshats! Yes, when police are searching in the course of an investigation, they typically don’t let those who might be involved or might have evidence on them run amok just because they carry a cross and dress in vestments. Apparently the Vatican thinks those purple and red robes offer diplomatic immunity. Apparently the Vatican should fucking suck it up and realize that the free ride is over. They have no credibility, they have done nothing to garner trust especially in matters relating to sexual misconduct and the covering up thereof, so why the hell should they be allowed to fucking dine and stroll around while police are performing a LEGAL AUTHORIZED search of the premises? The Vatican is ‘astonished’? Well whoop-de-fucking-doo for them! It’s time for them all to man up, and to perhaps look into buying some extra supplies of soap, just to make their transition to jail cells a little more easy, because you KNOW once a couple of those fucking assholes get in there, they will be prime picking at the new boy toys on the block... and it couldn’t happen to a better bunch.

DATELINE: ON THE GOOD SHIP LOOSE LIPS AS SHE STARTS TO SINK – I can’t help but notice that all those wonderful, loyal staffers of General McChrystal, those ones who he said ‘would die for him’ all of a sudden seem pretty... well... unwilling to politically die for him. What a fucking shock that is. While saying that their comments were clearly off the record when speaking to a reporter from Rolling Stone, they seem to gloss over the fact that they should have kept their mouths shut in the first place. Now that McChrystal is packing his bags, and I will admit honourably bearing the responsibility for the asinine comments made by his staff, it seems all of them have found the fucking duct tape. Yes, not one has come forward to claim ownership of the many anonymous quotes that skewered the General, not one of them has come forward in defence of the man, not one of them has said ‘Hey, It was me babbling and speaking when I shouldn’t have, and not really him!’ Noooo, these staffers are too fucking busy covering their own asses. The whole incident with the magazine seems to be mired in the utmost stupidity... government/military/bureaucratic pencil pushers speaking to the press and forgetting the number one rule about that (which, let’s face it, we all know that whatever is said IS on the record), and a reporter who claims that he had no idea there would be any fallout from the article. What the fuck planet do these people live on? Of course there would be fallout, and of course what was said, especially when slurred through booze-drenched lips is going to come back to bite you. The first question I have to ask is ‘who the hell else have these idiots been spewing off to about military operations, or God knows what else?’ In their drunken reverie did they happen to laugh out the location of the next counterinsurgency efforts, or perhaps the placement of some hidden munitions? They were sitting and sipping and dancing and singing, after all. The bottom line is the buck stops with McChrystal, and at least he had the fucking balls to acknowledge and accept – he has taken the high road, such as it is, while those around him scurry around in the gutters of self-preservation. It’s to be hoped though, that General Pataeus will make sure his ship is clear of such vermin.

DATELINE: CLUSTERFUCK, GULF OF MEXICO – During my hiatus, I had to quietly bite my tongue whenever there was more ‘developments’ in what truly is the clusterfuck of the century. In true Murphy’s Law form, if something could go wrong, it did – and now cleanup and containment efforts get to deal with the latest development... tropical storms/hurricanes that will do nothing to help the cause. So we sit and wait for the relief well, hoping like hell it will actually be where it is supposed to be and will do what it is supposed to do, something that is hugely far from certain still, but it seems to be the only hope we can cling to. Oh, and we can pray... because that seems to be as effective as anything else that is being tried out there. Sorry, but BP being left to solve and clean up this mess is like asking an arsonist to investigate the fucking fire he started. And the moratorium... don’t get me started. So here, from Bambi’s Book of All that Should Just Be Fucking Common Sense, is what should happen. BP should NOT be allowed anywhere near that mess. They should not be allowed to clean it, to investigate it, to participate in it or collect the fucking oil from it. There are government agencies with the knowledge, equipment and ability to do all that BP is doing and more, and they could do it with a whole hell of a lot more credibility. BP should be to fucking busy answering questions, and accounting for absolutely every fucking shortcut they took, every rule they broke, and every god damned MSS employee they paid off in whatever way... and none of that bullshit that Hayward seems to think substitutes as an answer as he saves his sorry ass. They have created an environmental disaster of epic proportions, and they should not be allowed the luxury of time to cover their asses with ‘I don’t remember’ and ‘I wasn’t part of that particular decision’. As far as MSS goes, because they certainly have a hand in this crap, Salazar should be sharing a bench with McChrystal, and if there is a god, McChrystal will take those legendary nanchuks to Salazar’s fucking empty head and beat the crap out of him. This was the man who was supposed to be responsible for MMS, who was supposed to be cleaning up the corruption within the department and making sure that oil companies were complying with all rules and guidelines. Instead, he bellied up to the fucking bar, held no one accountable, and now his head should be on the fucking chopping block without any hesitation or questions. Obama... stand up and be a commander, please. Why the hell anyone waited for BP to deal with this issue is beyond me, because they had no business doing that, and they had absolutely no credibility or interest in the overall good. The fact that BP cares only about its bank accounts is more than reason enough to get their asses out of there. And instead of pissing around with court challenges about moratoriums that will ONLY make the situation worse for the people trying to live down there, get off yer fucking asses and inspect the damned wells that are there, one by one, making sure they are all accountable and have the proper safety, emergency and contingency plans and equipment where it should be. You don’t need a fucking moratorium... just get off your asses and do your jobs. Oh, and one final thing... can we PLEASE toss Sarah Palin overboard from one of those fucking platforms? She could help BP with their research on protecting the walruses in the Gulf.

DATELINE: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE – AND WITH DAMNED GOOD REASON – Imagine it... a pub in London... a fundraiser for a local hospital... and a bunch of men preparing to be waxed. If you have any brains at all, you can see what’s coming... and it ain’t gonna be Joe Cooper, at least not for a while, since he almost had his balls ripped off when he agreed to a Brazilian intimate waxing. Those who donated were allowed to have a tug at the wax strips. What the hell sort of sane person comes up with this shit? Seriously, some guy is gonna walk into a pub, slap his good on the table, let someone wax em up with hot wax, and then let other drunken sots pull the strips off? He ended up in the hospital with more than the fuzz removed from his peaches. And yes, I have to say, if a guy is that fucking stupid and I was there, you know for damned sure, I too would tug on the strip. How could you not?

DATELINE: BESIDE A LAKE THAT IS FAKE, JUST LIKE THE MAN WHO BUILT IT – Welcome to the most expense ever fucking G8 or G20 summits. Yes, we know how to do things right in Canada. We build phoney lakes in an area that is filled with the most beautiful real ones imaginable. We build new outhouses, line the streets with gold, and then... we tell the rest of the world how to manage their money because we know how to do it best. Nothing tops the arrogant meter for Comrade Harper quite like this one. The rest of the world is looking for austerity and fiscal responsibility and accountability, and how better to show them just those quality than by filling a fake lake with fake fucking canoes. It is a perfect metaphor for the Canadian Government, a show of smoke and mirrors and ‘ohhhh shiny’ that is the essence of the current government. And what is Ignatieff doing to protect us from this crap? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares, because he is probably doing not a god damned thing, and still he will manage to it up. It’s a gift the man has, and sadly we will be paying for both assholes for a long time.

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DATELINE: IN A DICTIONARY UNDER ‘BAG OF DOUCHE’ – We now have concrete proof that twits can in fact tweet. How do we know this? Well, Sarah Palin’s twit from last night sort of removes all doubt. “Extreme Greenies:see now why we push ‘drill,baby,drill”of known reserves&promising finds in safe onshore places like ANWR? Now do you get it?” For starters, I will leave the issue of grammar, punctuation and spacing alone, because it is probably well beyond Ms Palin’s grasp. Instead, we will focus on the message. So... what the fuck is the matter with this stupid stupid stupid woman? NEVER did she specify her ‘drill, baby, drill’ crap had anything to do with on-shore, and NEVER could she possibly pitch drilling in a national wildlife reserve as a ‘safe’ place where environmental issues wouldn’t be a problem. What the hell does she smoke? She has taken a HUGE disaster and is trying to make political hay out of it in the most stupid of ways. Perhaps she could use her 20-year close association with BP to get them off their asses and actually addressing some of the issues and answering some of the questions about why this happened, but no... she prefers to sit and sling mud and claim that destroying yet another sensitive area will be okay, because it’s not under water. She is actually daring to say that by drilling in a wildlife reserve, the situation in the Gulf would not have happened at all? That had she been at the helm telling McCain what to do, the well would not have exploded and oil would not now be gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Yeah, let’s put her in a position of authority... because she is sooooooo smart and has it all figured out. And in the process, she managed to label anyone concerned about the environment as an ‘extreme greenie’ and blame all of us for what is happening with the Deepwater Horizon. The logic this woman uses is totally fucking astounding. The answer is NOT drilling in more and different sensitive areas for fucking oil... it’s to find alternatives to oil in as many application as possible, and not just to protect the environment, but to protect the people, because the oil companies would do anything they had to in order to make a buck and fuck over the public. Now do you get it??? Pffft. Probably not. She is probably up in her helicopter shooting at wolves and doing other extreme sporty crap like that.

DATELINE: WHERE SELDOM SHOULD BE HEARD, A FEMININE WORD – In a gigantic leap back to the dark ages, chief Rabbi Elyakim Levanon near Nablus actually stated that women could not stand for local election because they lack authority and must be heard only through their husbands’ voices. “The first problem is giving women authority, and being a secretary means having authority,” the rabbi wrote. “Within the family certain debates are held and when opinions are united the husband presents the family’s opinion.” June Cleaver would be so fucking happy with this. “This is the proper way to prevent a situation in which the woman votes one way and her husband votes another.” Okay, so apparently this rabbi needs his ass kicked... preferably by someone wearing stilettos. Me thinks that ole Elyakim has some serious penis issues, because there is no other reason to be so paranoid about letting a woman think and speak for herself. What the hell is she supposed to do when, like so many, her husband is a fucking idiot about a whole lot of things, but is worth keeping around because he can cut the grass? Is she not allowed her own opinion? Where the hell in any religious teaching does it ACTUALLY SAY that women are to be oppressed, abused, insulted and discounted completely from the rest of the world, or that man is the superior in every way imaginable? Someone find me that! This crap is unacceptable from anyone in any religion. Sadly they all seem to fall back on this shit though, which is exactly why we need more women in positions of authority and providing religious and moral guidance... because too many men in these roles just are too damned stupid to handle it. In case it needs clarification, Rabbi Elyakim Levanon is a fucking moron.

DATELINE: WHERE MALE MORON-NESS SPREADS LIKE FUCKING WILDFIRE – Giving the rabbi a run for his money in the Clerical Moron of the Month award, one that really should be locked up in perpetuity by someone in the Catholic Church or by Iranian Imams claiming women cause earthquakes, we present Dr. Izzat Atiya. Atiya issued a fatwa, or religious decree, that women should breast-feed their male colleagues at work at least five times in order to establish a bond to allow them to work together. I think Mr. Atiya has some serious breast issues. He offered it as a means of getting around the issue of segregating the sexes at work, stating that according to Islamic tradition, breast-feeding establishes a degree of maternal relationship, and so applied to grown men, it would also establish a family bond and therefore allow them to work together. Seriously, this guy thought he could get away with this shit? He just wanted to suck on a tit, do some oogling and groping at the same time, and call it a religious rule so it would not be able to be challenged. Sure, lets all walk into work and pop out a boob for some other boob to latch on to in the name of removing the need to segregate the sexes. Perhaps on hot days he could make the women run around first so he could have a fucking milkshake. That any man with even a quarter of a fucking brain could come up with this shit is truly astounding, and sadly sickening as well. Thankfully, however, Egypt’s minister of religious affairs showed that he does have a brain and some class when he ruled that in future, all fatwas have to ‘be compatible with logic and human nature’.

DATELINE: WHERE THERE MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE MORE ROOM IN THE OLD TROUSERS – Pardon my ignorance, but do condoms really come in a variety of sizes? I thought they were sort of a one-size-fits-all thing, but apparently not so, especially in India, where a recent survey found that regular condoms made to international standards are too big for the men there, and tend to... ‘get lost’ before completing their mission. It has called for more sizes to be made available for men there. Yes, I checked, and the men actually slapped the steak on the old butcher block and got out the tape measures, counting every little millimetre the good Lord gave em. Interestingly enough, though, in a study several years ago, it was found them men in South Africa required more variety as well, although they were looking for the extra-large ones for the more ‘gifted’ man. I know this is important news for all of us, because it could well impact future travel plans for many.

DATELINE: WACKO-JACKO-VILLE – The city of Gary, Indiana is donating land for the Jackson Family Museum and Hotel and the Michael Jackson Performing Arts and Cultural Center and Theatre *gasps for air after going through that fucking title*. They don’t have the money to build any of it yet, but anticipate that will come from investors and donations. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I wonder which one of the kids Joe Jackson had to sell out to get this set up.

DATELINE: WONDERS DOWN UNDER – The Prime Minister of New Zealand slipped in a news conference and told the world that he has had a vasectomy. It was a funny response, but seriously, does this deserve two days of international news coverage?

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DATELINE: THE PENALTY BOX – It took some time, but finally we were told what we already knew... that Brian Mulroney fucked over Canadian taxpayers both while in office and once he had stepped away. Yes, it was Mulroney’s ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’ moment... except KarlHeinz Schreiber (an arms dealer who is currently in the slammer in Germany for tax evasion – a real stand-up all-round honest sorta nice guy) played the Lewinsky role. Yes, despite his pathetic claims of innocence, the Oliphant Commission finally released their findings, and those findings in a nutshell were that Mulroney likes to lie through his ass about all this shit. He was involved with bullshit deals, did pocket money, did peddle his influence and THEN, when the accusations finally came to light, he sued the Canadian government (aka the tax payers) for ruining his good name. What a load of fucking crap! Good ole’ Lying Brian (as my daddy so aptly christened the man twenty fifteen years ago) has screwed us over for millions of dollars, did it knowing he was lying his fucking ass off, and showed absolutely no compunction at all about doing something that might be considered unethical or even illegal. It is to be hoped that he has his ass kicked out of the Quebec Bar Society for his actions, because, well, he should have absolutely no credibility left to be able to function as a lawyer. Here’s the funny thing though... he was a lawyer, so he damned well knew what he was doing – over and over and over again. It is time for Comrade Harper to finally do something right and take his son-of-a-bitch predecessor to task to get us back the $2.1M we paid in the settlement of the defamation suit, the almost $2M it cost us in his legal fees that we were left on the hook for, and make HIM pay the damned costs this time. While they are at it, how about making him return his Order of Canada and his National Order of Quebec designations, and set a precedent in Canadian Government by stripping him of his Right Honorable designation, because, well, now that is just a load of crap that he does not deserve to have for the rest of his life, or even for one more day. If this is what he did as soon as he was out of office, I shudder to think of the many ways he fucked us over that we still have not found.

DATELINE: ALL OILED UP FOR A DAY AT THE BEACH – As oil from the Deepwater Horizon now spreads beyond Louisiana and washes ashore in Mississippi and Alabama, US Attorney General Eric Holder announced both criminal and civil investigations into the disaster, ordering all parties, including BP, Haliburton and Transocean to preserve all records. In their latest attempt to stop the spill, another untried effort with some cutesy fucking name, BP has chopped off the top of the pipe gushing oil into the ocean at a rate of 19,000 barrels a day, causing even more oil to explode from their well. They are depending on the same engineers who they refused to listen to regarding the building of the well and the fact that it would not withstand the pressures, but what the hell. And while they sit there and fiddle, rare species like the smalltooth sawfish will pay the price, people who live along the ocean will pay the price, the shareholders of BP will pay the price, all because those who make the decisions at BP did not want to take the time to do the job right. They have the unmitigated gall to remind us constantly about the fact that none of the efforts they are attempting have ever been tried in such deep water. Well, hello? Perhaps that was something you should have considered before you started to drill there. For people who bitch about too much government interference in big business, THIS situation is exactly the reason why there has to be government interference, whether we like it or not. Big business cannot be trusted to give a flying crap about anything, and when the shit starts to fly, the last thing on their minds is being genuine or concerned about anyone but themselves. BP, and for that matter Shell, based on the comments coming from that camp as well, have more than ensured they cannot be trusted for even a minute. Because of their irresponsible attitudes, people, buckle up, because we are in for a long and bumpy road of many more regulations and guidelines and rules that will be one hell of a burden to the small businessman and taxpayer. Just remember to thank BP for those as well. And for all you freaking belly-achers complaining that the government isn’t doing anything... what the fuck are they supposed to do? They can’t swim down and plug the fucking hole; they have to depend on the experts who, unfortunately, are the incredible dumb-asses that started this clusterfuck in the first place.

DATELINE: DOH! – In a world filled with amazing fictional characters and personalities, it is somewhat distressing to think that Homer Simpson is the greatest character on any sized screen in the last twenty years. Seriously?? In the Entertainment Weekly survey, that animated hawty beat out Harry Potter, Carrie Bradshaw and even Tony Soprano and Hannibal Lecter. You all know what that means, right? It means there is still hope that yours truly could still make the list! WHOOT!!!! The real upside for networks from this announcement – an announcement that actually was covered globally – is that this is now proof positive that real actors are maybe not worth +$1M/episode, especially when you have to add in all the shit they cause with their whining and bad behaviour. Congrats, Homer, tonight I shall raise a donut and beer in your honor.

DATELINE: THE LAND OF WHO GIVES A SHIT? – Former Vice President Al Gore, that guru of green, that nobelest of peace-mongers, that Oscar-winning wabbit saver... you know the guy. He and Tipper are separating. Yes, apparently this too, is news.

DATELINE: IN THE SLAMMER – Charlie Sheen will be doing 30 days time for his assault charges from Christmas when he smacked his wife around. Paint me fucking shocked. Yes, this too, was news.