DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 2, 2010

DATELINE: THE PENALTY BOX – It took some time, but finally we were told what we already knew... that Brian Mulroney fucked over Canadian taxpayers both while in office and once he had stepped away. Yes, it was Mulroney’s ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’ moment... except KarlHeinz Schreiber (an arms dealer who is currently in the slammer in Germany for tax evasion – a real stand-up all-round honest sorta nice guy) played the Lewinsky role. Yes, despite his pathetic claims of innocence, the Oliphant Commission finally released their findings, and those findings in a nutshell were that Mulroney likes to lie through his ass about all this shit. He was involved with bullshit deals, did pocket money, did peddle his influence and THEN, when the accusations finally came to light, he sued the Canadian government (aka the tax payers) for ruining his good name. What a load of fucking crap! Good ole’ Lying Brian (as my daddy so aptly christened the man twenty fifteen years ago) has screwed us over for millions of dollars, did it knowing he was lying his fucking ass off, and showed absolutely no compunction at all about doing something that might be considered unethical or even illegal. It is to be hoped that he has his ass kicked out of the Quebec Bar Society for his actions, because, well, he should have absolutely no credibility left to be able to function as a lawyer. Here’s the funny thing though... he was a lawyer, so he damned well knew what he was doing – over and over and over again. It is time for Comrade Harper to finally do something right and take his son-of-a-bitch predecessor to task to get us back the $2.1M we paid in the settlement of the defamation suit, the almost $2M it cost us in his legal fees that we were left on the hook for, and make HIM pay the damned costs this time. While they are at it, how about making him return his Order of Canada and his National Order of Quebec designations, and set a precedent in Canadian Government by stripping him of his Right Honorable designation, because, well, now that is just a load of crap that he does not deserve to have for the rest of his life, or even for one more day. If this is what he did as soon as he was out of office, I shudder to think of the many ways he fucked us over that we still have not found.

DATELINE: ALL OILED UP FOR A DAY AT THE BEACH – As oil from the Deepwater Horizon now spreads beyond Louisiana and washes ashore in Mississippi and Alabama, US Attorney General Eric Holder announced both criminal and civil investigations into the disaster, ordering all parties, including BP, Haliburton and Transocean to preserve all records. In their latest attempt to stop the spill, another untried effort with some cutesy fucking name, BP has chopped off the top of the pipe gushing oil into the ocean at a rate of 19,000 barrels a day, causing even more oil to explode from their well. They are depending on the same engineers who they refused to listen to regarding the building of the well and the fact that it would not withstand the pressures, but what the hell. And while they sit there and fiddle, rare species like the smalltooth sawfish will pay the price, people who live along the ocean will pay the price, the shareholders of BP will pay the price, all because those who make the decisions at BP did not want to take the time to do the job right. They have the unmitigated gall to remind us constantly about the fact that none of the efforts they are attempting have ever been tried in such deep water. Well, hello? Perhaps that was something you should have considered before you started to drill there. For people who bitch about too much government interference in big business, THIS situation is exactly the reason why there has to be government interference, whether we like it or not. Big business cannot be trusted to give a flying crap about anything, and when the shit starts to fly, the last thing on their minds is being genuine or concerned about anyone but themselves. BP, and for that matter Shell, based on the comments coming from that camp as well, have more than ensured they cannot be trusted for even a minute. Because of their irresponsible attitudes, people, buckle up, because we are in for a long and bumpy road of many more regulations and guidelines and rules that will be one hell of a burden to the small businessman and taxpayer. Just remember to thank BP for those as well. And for all you freaking belly-achers complaining that the government isn’t doing anything... what the fuck are they supposed to do? They can’t swim down and plug the fucking hole; they have to depend on the experts who, unfortunately, are the incredible dumb-asses that started this clusterfuck in the first place.

DATELINE: DOH! – In a world filled with amazing fictional characters and personalities, it is somewhat distressing to think that Homer Simpson is the greatest character on any sized screen in the last twenty years. Seriously?? In the Entertainment Weekly survey, that animated hawty beat out Harry Potter, Carrie Bradshaw and even Tony Soprano and Hannibal Lecter. You all know what that means, right? It means there is still hope that yours truly could still make the list! WHOOT!!!! The real upside for networks from this announcement – an announcement that actually was covered globally – is that this is now proof positive that real actors are maybe not worth +$1M/episode, especially when you have to add in all the shit they cause with their whining and bad behaviour. Congrats, Homer, tonight I shall raise a donut and beer in your honor.

DATELINE: THE LAND OF WHO GIVES A SHIT? – Former Vice President Al Gore, that guru of green, that nobelest of peace-mongers, that Oscar-winning wabbit saver... you know the guy. He and Tipper are separating. Yes, apparently this too, is news.

DATELINE: IN THE SLAMMER – Charlie Sheen will be doing 30 days time for his assault charges from Christmas when he smacked his wife around. Paint me fucking shocked. Yes, this too, was news.