DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DATELINE: IN A DICTIONARY UNDER ‘BAG OF DOUCHE’ – We now have concrete proof that twits can in fact tweet. How do we know this? Well, Sarah Palin’s twit from last night sort of removes all doubt. “Extreme Greenies:see now why we push ‘drill,baby,drill”of known reserves&promising finds in safe onshore places like ANWR? Now do you get it?” For starters, I will leave the issue of grammar, punctuation and spacing alone, because it is probably well beyond Ms Palin’s grasp. Instead, we will focus on the message. So... what the fuck is the matter with this stupid stupid stupid woman? NEVER did she specify her ‘drill, baby, drill’ crap had anything to do with on-shore, and NEVER could she possibly pitch drilling in a national wildlife reserve as a ‘safe’ place where environmental issues wouldn’t be a problem. What the hell does she smoke? She has taken a HUGE disaster and is trying to make political hay out of it in the most stupid of ways. Perhaps she could use her 20-year close association with BP to get them off their asses and actually addressing some of the issues and answering some of the questions about why this happened, but no... she prefers to sit and sling mud and claim that destroying yet another sensitive area will be okay, because it’s not under water. She is actually daring to say that by drilling in a wildlife reserve, the situation in the Gulf would not have happened at all? That had she been at the helm telling McCain what to do, the well would not have exploded and oil would not now be gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Yeah, let’s put her in a position of authority... because she is sooooooo smart and has it all figured out. And in the process, she managed to label anyone concerned about the environment as an ‘extreme greenie’ and blame all of us for what is happening with the Deepwater Horizon. The logic this woman uses is totally fucking astounding. The answer is NOT drilling in more and different sensitive areas for fucking oil... it’s to find alternatives to oil in as many application as possible, and not just to protect the environment, but to protect the people, because the oil companies would do anything they had to in order to make a buck and fuck over the public. Now do you get it??? Pffft. Probably not. She is probably up in her helicopter shooting at wolves and doing other extreme sporty crap like that.

DATELINE: WHERE SELDOM SHOULD BE HEARD, A FEMININE WORD – In a gigantic leap back to the dark ages, chief Rabbi Elyakim Levanon near Nablus actually stated that women could not stand for local election because they lack authority and must be heard only through their husbands’ voices. “The first problem is giving women authority, and being a secretary means having authority,” the rabbi wrote. “Within the family certain debates are held and when opinions are united the husband presents the family’s opinion.” June Cleaver would be so fucking happy with this. “This is the proper way to prevent a situation in which the woman votes one way and her husband votes another.” Okay, so apparently this rabbi needs his ass kicked... preferably by someone wearing stilettos. Me thinks that ole Elyakim has some serious penis issues, because there is no other reason to be so paranoid about letting a woman think and speak for herself. What the hell is she supposed to do when, like so many, her husband is a fucking idiot about a whole lot of things, but is worth keeping around because he can cut the grass? Is she not allowed her own opinion? Where the hell in any religious teaching does it ACTUALLY SAY that women are to be oppressed, abused, insulted and discounted completely from the rest of the world, or that man is the superior in every way imaginable? Someone find me that! This crap is unacceptable from anyone in any religion. Sadly they all seem to fall back on this shit though, which is exactly why we need more women in positions of authority and providing religious and moral guidance... because too many men in these roles just are too damned stupid to handle it. In case it needs clarification, Rabbi Elyakim Levanon is a fucking moron.

DATELINE: WHERE MALE MORON-NESS SPREADS LIKE FUCKING WILDFIRE – Giving the rabbi a run for his money in the Clerical Moron of the Month award, one that really should be locked up in perpetuity by someone in the Catholic Church or by Iranian Imams claiming women cause earthquakes, we present Dr. Izzat Atiya. Atiya issued a fatwa, or religious decree, that women should breast-feed their male colleagues at work at least five times in order to establish a bond to allow them to work together. I think Mr. Atiya has some serious breast issues. He offered it as a means of getting around the issue of segregating the sexes at work, stating that according to Islamic tradition, breast-feeding establishes a degree of maternal relationship, and so applied to grown men, it would also establish a family bond and therefore allow them to work together. Seriously, this guy thought he could get away with this shit? He just wanted to suck on a tit, do some oogling and groping at the same time, and call it a religious rule so it would not be able to be challenged. Sure, lets all walk into work and pop out a boob for some other boob to latch on to in the name of removing the need to segregate the sexes. Perhaps on hot days he could make the women run around first so he could have a fucking milkshake. That any man with even a quarter of a fucking brain could come up with this shit is truly astounding, and sadly sickening as well. Thankfully, however, Egypt’s minister of religious affairs showed that he does have a brain and some class when he ruled that in future, all fatwas have to ‘be compatible with logic and human nature’.

DATELINE: WHERE THERE MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE MORE ROOM IN THE OLD TROUSERS – Pardon my ignorance, but do condoms really come in a variety of sizes? I thought they were sort of a one-size-fits-all thing, but apparently not so, especially in India, where a recent survey found that regular condoms made to international standards are too big for the men there, and tend to... ‘get lost’ before completing their mission. It has called for more sizes to be made available for men there. Yes, I checked, and the men actually slapped the steak on the old butcher block and got out the tape measures, counting every little millimetre the good Lord gave em. Interestingly enough, though, in a study several years ago, it was found them men in South Africa required more variety as well, although they were looking for the extra-large ones for the more ‘gifted’ man. I know this is important news for all of us, because it could well impact future travel plans for many.

DATELINE: WACKO-JACKO-VILLE – The city of Gary, Indiana is donating land for the Jackson Family Museum and Hotel and the Michael Jackson Performing Arts and Cultural Center and Theatre *gasps for air after going through that fucking title*. They don’t have the money to build any of it yet, but anticipate that will come from investors and donations. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I wonder which one of the kids Joe Jackson had to sell out to get this set up.

DATELINE: WONDERS DOWN UNDER – The Prime Minister of New Zealand slipped in a news conference and told the world that he has had a vasectomy. It was a funny response, but seriously, does this deserve two days of international news coverage?