I'M BAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAACK

DAILY NEWS -- JUNE 26th, 2010

DATELINE: SEQUESTERED IN BELGIUM – Oh my dear Lord! Can you fucking believe it??? While police searched a church looking for any and all evidence relating to sexual abuse, the bishops that were inside the church were required to stay there!!! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to the real fucking world, asshats! Yes, when police are searching in the course of an investigation, they typically don’t let those who might be involved or might have evidence on them run amok just because they carry a cross and dress in vestments. Apparently the Vatican thinks those purple and red robes offer diplomatic immunity. Apparently the Vatican should fucking suck it up and realize that the free ride is over. They have no credibility, they have done nothing to garner trust especially in matters relating to sexual misconduct and the covering up thereof, so why the hell should they be allowed to fucking dine and stroll around while police are performing a LEGAL AUTHORIZED search of the premises? The Vatican is ‘astonished’? Well whoop-de-fucking-doo for them! It’s time for them all to man up, and to perhaps look into buying some extra supplies of soap, just to make their transition to jail cells a little more easy, because you KNOW once a couple of those fucking assholes get in there, they will be prime picking at the new boy toys on the block... and it couldn’t happen to a better bunch.

DATELINE: ON THE GOOD SHIP LOOSE LIPS AS SHE STARTS TO SINK – I can’t help but notice that all those wonderful, loyal staffers of General McChrystal, those ones who he said ‘would die for him’ all of a sudden seem pretty... well... unwilling to politically die for him. What a fucking shock that is. While saying that their comments were clearly off the record when speaking to a reporter from Rolling Stone, they seem to gloss over the fact that they should have kept their mouths shut in the first place. Now that McChrystal is packing his bags, and I will admit honourably bearing the responsibility for the asinine comments made by his staff, it seems all of them have found the fucking duct tape. Yes, not one has come forward to claim ownership of the many anonymous quotes that skewered the General, not one of them has come forward in defence of the man, not one of them has said ‘Hey, It was me babbling and speaking when I shouldn’t have, and not really him!’ Noooo, these staffers are too fucking busy covering their own asses. The whole incident with the magazine seems to be mired in the utmost stupidity... government/military/bureaucratic pencil pushers speaking to the press and forgetting the number one rule about that (which, let’s face it, we all know that whatever is said IS on the record), and a reporter who claims that he had no idea there would be any fallout from the article. What the fuck planet do these people live on? Of course there would be fallout, and of course what was said, especially when slurred through booze-drenched lips is going to come back to bite you. The first question I have to ask is ‘who the hell else have these idiots been spewing off to about military operations, or God knows what else?’ In their drunken reverie did they happen to laugh out the location of the next counterinsurgency efforts, or perhaps the placement of some hidden munitions? They were sitting and sipping and dancing and singing, after all. The bottom line is the buck stops with McChrystal, and at least he had the fucking balls to acknowledge and accept – he has taken the high road, such as it is, while those around him scurry around in the gutters of self-preservation. It’s to be hoped though, that General Pataeus will make sure his ship is clear of such vermin.

DATELINE: CLUSTERFUCK, GULF OF MEXICO – During my hiatus, I had to quietly bite my tongue whenever there was more ‘developments’ in what truly is the clusterfuck of the century. In true Murphy’s Law form, if something could go wrong, it did – and now cleanup and containment efforts get to deal with the latest development... tropical storms/hurricanes that will do nothing to help the cause. So we sit and wait for the relief well, hoping like hell it will actually be where it is supposed to be and will do what it is supposed to do, something that is hugely far from certain still, but it seems to be the only hope we can cling to. Oh, and we can pray... because that seems to be as effective as anything else that is being tried out there. Sorry, but BP being left to solve and clean up this mess is like asking an arsonist to investigate the fucking fire he started. And the moratorium... don’t get me started. So here, from Bambi’s Book of All that Should Just Be Fucking Common Sense, is what should happen. BP should NOT be allowed anywhere near that mess. They should not be allowed to clean it, to investigate it, to participate in it or collect the fucking oil from it. There are government agencies with the knowledge, equipment and ability to do all that BP is doing and more, and they could do it with a whole hell of a lot more credibility. BP should be to fucking busy answering questions, and accounting for absolutely every fucking shortcut they took, every rule they broke, and every god damned MSS employee they paid off in whatever way... and none of that bullshit that Hayward seems to think substitutes as an answer as he saves his sorry ass. They have created an environmental disaster of epic proportions, and they should not be allowed the luxury of time to cover their asses with ‘I don’t remember’ and ‘I wasn’t part of that particular decision’. As far as MSS goes, because they certainly have a hand in this crap, Salazar should be sharing a bench with McChrystal, and if there is a god, McChrystal will take those legendary nanchuks to Salazar’s fucking empty head and beat the crap out of him. This was the man who was supposed to be responsible for MMS, who was supposed to be cleaning up the corruption within the department and making sure that oil companies were complying with all rules and guidelines. Instead, he bellied up to the fucking bar, held no one accountable, and now his head should be on the fucking chopping block without any hesitation or questions. Obama... stand up and be a commander, please. Why the hell anyone waited for BP to deal with this issue is beyond me, because they had no business doing that, and they had absolutely no credibility or interest in the overall good. The fact that BP cares only about its bank accounts is more than reason enough to get their asses out of there. And instead of pissing around with court challenges about moratoriums that will ONLY make the situation worse for the people trying to live down there, get off yer fucking asses and inspect the damned wells that are there, one by one, making sure they are all accountable and have the proper safety, emergency and contingency plans and equipment where it should be. You don’t need a fucking moratorium... just get off your asses and do your jobs. Oh, and one final thing... can we PLEASE toss Sarah Palin overboard from one of those fucking platforms? She could help BP with their research on protecting the walruses in the Gulf.

DATELINE: WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE – AND WITH DAMNED GOOD REASON – Imagine it... a pub in London... a fundraiser for a local hospital... and a bunch of men preparing to be waxed. If you have any brains at all, you can see what’s coming... and it ain’t gonna be Joe Cooper, at least not for a while, since he almost had his balls ripped off when he agreed to a Brazilian intimate waxing. Those who donated were allowed to have a tug at the wax strips. What the hell sort of sane person comes up with this shit? Seriously, some guy is gonna walk into a pub, slap his good on the table, let someone wax em up with hot wax, and then let other drunken sots pull the strips off? He ended up in the hospital with more than the fuzz removed from his peaches. And yes, I have to say, if a guy is that fucking stupid and I was there, you know for damned sure, I too would tug on the strip. How could you not?

DATELINE: BESIDE A LAKE THAT IS FAKE, JUST LIKE THE MAN WHO BUILT IT – Welcome to the most expense ever fucking G8 or G20 summits. Yes, we know how to do things right in Canada. We build phoney lakes in an area that is filled with the most beautiful real ones imaginable. We build new outhouses, line the streets with gold, and then... we tell the rest of the world how to manage their money because we know how to do it best. Nothing tops the arrogant meter for Comrade Harper quite like this one. The rest of the world is looking for austerity and fiscal responsibility and accountability, and how better to show them just those quality than by filling a fake lake with fake fucking canoes. It is a perfect metaphor for the Canadian Government, a show of smoke and mirrors and ‘ohhhh shiny’ that is the essence of the current government. And what is Ignatieff doing to protect us from this crap? Who the hell knows and who the hell cares, because he is probably doing not a god damned thing, and still he will manage to it up. It’s a gift the man has, and sadly we will be paying for both assholes for a long time.