DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 10th, 2010

DATELINE: JETBLUE HELL – A JetBlue flight attendant is in custody this morning after popping a fucking gasket on his last flight. Picture it... the end of a flight from Pittsburgh to JFK. A passenger stands up, grabs a bag from the overhead storage and smacks attendant Steven Slater in the head with it. I have been there. I would be pissy too about getting a god damned suitcase in the head. Slater, however, took pissy to a whole new level. He got onto the plane’s PA system, dropped several ‘f-bombs’ directed to the passenge who refused to apologize for his actions (Can you fucking believe it? He dropped ‘f-bombs’! Fucking awesome!), then grabbed some beer, hit the emergency chute and slid his way into JFK on his ass. It was one hell of a grand exit! Now, you are probably expecting me to go off about this guy, but I won’t. We don’t know what the hell he is dealing with in his life, he didn’t hurt anyone, and actually, I sort of admire his brass. He’s a young guy so the odds are pretty good I would admire his ass as well, as long as he doesn’t wear pants with the waistband dropped down to his fucking crotch... but I digress. I could go on about the fucking rudeness of passengers on planes, all of them with that feeling of superiority, that their business on the plane is so much more important to everyone else on the damned bird. I could, but that is endemic everywhere now. We are too fucking self-absorbed and we don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else, and this passenger is just more proof of this fact. The passenger was an asshat. BUT what I will go off on is the fucking overhead storage in an airplane. We have to now pay to check bags, and it ain’t cheap to do that. All that does is make people want to pack all their stuff in carry-on. Then the damned airlines give precedence to those who have NO carry-on by loading them first. The god damned airlines need to make up their minds about carry-on. My personal preference would be to see NO overnight bags, small suitcases, hockey bags, gym bags, back packs... none of that crap should be on there. You have a teeny tiny aisle that only Twiggy or a stewardess can get down without having to walk sideways! There is not enough room for every one of those idiotic passengers to be stopping to put their precious crap overhead. Check the fucking bags, people! It takes all of five extra minutes at the end of your flight to pick the fucking thing up. If we didn’t have to stand for twenty minutes in the cramped aisles, all hunched over, watching some five-foot-nothing broad trying to cram her entire wardrobe onto a shelf she can’t even reach, we might all be in a better mood for the fucking flight.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF THE FUCKING FROZEN BRAIN – Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, is planning to run for the office of Mayor formerly held by his pistol-packing pinheaded political nightmare almost-mother-in-law. Not only is this a huge fucking joke, but he is planning to do it in front of the media, in a reality show called Loving Levi:The Road to the Mayor’s Office... and NO, sadly I am not making this shit up. So we have a teenaged celebrity-whore kid with raging hormones and teenage-father celebrity, who has already broken off his engagement to the Palin progeny twice, and he wants to run a city? Gimme a fucking break! He does not have the ability to run a shit-house detail for a household of one. He can’t make a decision, he can’t stick to a decision... but of course he has been around that Palin charm, charisma, logic... those rallying cries of the family matriach for the government to ‘incentivize’ job growth, (yes, Sarah Palin apparently went to the George W Bush School of Language and Made-Up Fucking Words) and perhaps he has now perfected that homey self-righteous eye-roll necessary to admonish those, including school teachers, who do not agree with Sarah Palin when she extolls the need for protecting the constitution because the constitution requires protecting for it to remain constitutionally constitutional. Ya know, this poor Levi kid needs get the fuck out of Alaska and get a life away from Palin’s Dysfuction Junction and Politico/PR Whore House. Someone please remind me to thank fucking John McCain for sharing his wonderful Wasilla find with the world.

DATELINE: AT A TURKEY SHOOT – What better way to celebrate your wedding than opening up with a fucking AK-47 and shooting your new father-in-law and two aunts. It’s sort of the low-budget rewrite of Three Weddings and a Funeral, just in reverse... or something. The groom who has not been identified (assume though that his bride calls him ‘Yer Ass Is Grass!’) lost control of his AK-47 as he fired it into the air, killing the three, injuring eight others. The Turks argue that this firing of bullets into the air is traditional there, has been happening for generations. An AK-47? Give me a fucking break. For starters, the damned weapons were only invented in the late 1940’s – certainly NOT generations ago. But that’s beside the point. The point is that people need to learn that a gun is most definitely a valuable tool, more to some than others (Sarah Palin requires one to post for political posters and her Christmas Greeting Cards). A gun is NOT an extension of a man’s penis. The extent of a man’s ‘endowment’ is not at all relative to the barrel size of a rifle. Seriously, guys, you are better off showing your stuff in a pair of Speedo’s, and slightly less dangerous.

DATELINE: WHERE’S THE CHICKEN?! – It takes one hell of a set of nuggets to work the drive-thru in McDonalds in Toledo. Melodi Duschane is now doing 60 days in the big house for going ballistic when she was told she could not have chicken nuggets for breakfast. Seriously... this woman, in a fit of McNugget Rage climbed out of her car, reached through the window, slugged a couple of McDonald’s employees, then smashed the window with a bottle when she threw it... all because of fucking chicken nuggets. It was breakfast! Who the hell eats chicken nuggets for breakfast? It’s like this was the end of the fucking world for this crazy woman. Her excuse... it was new years day and she was drunk. Of course, then that makes it totally different. You gotta love these excuses for what is simply plain old bad fucking behavior. She should be forced to eat fucking McNuggets every meal for every god damned day she spends behind bars.

DATELINE: STARRING IN WHAT IS QUICKLY BECOMING WORSE THAN A B-GRADE SLASHER MOVIE – Just when you thought you heard the last of asshole Mel Gibson, the son of a bitch rises up out of the crap and dishes another dose of asshatted stupidness. It has been revealed that this upstanding peach of a prick has hired two private detectives to ‘visit’ some key witnesses in the upcoming court case regarding the beating of his wife and the custody of his child. This, of course, follows the racist, anti-semitic homophobic asshole comments he has been heard making for the last several years when he is looking for people to blame for the fact that he is... well... an asshole. Amid reports of his PI’s encouraging witnesses to rethink the chain of events they are supposed to be recounting in courts, there have also been reported statements made on various internet sources, claimed to be made by said witnesses, all of which are in disagreement with past testimony. The witnesses however have so far been able to prove the statements inaccurate and are still prepared to testify in court. Poor old Mel’s knee-breakers don’t seem to be working. One has to wonder why the hell there would even be a question about custody of any child. Gibson is not fit to have anything to do with any child, anywhere.

DATELINE: IN A TOTALLY FUCKED UP LAND -- In what is clearly a case of prosecutorial stupidity run amok, a 37-year-old Vancouver construction worker is awaiting judgment regarding some aggravated assault charges. Shawn Woodward was in a bar with some friends. Over the course of the evening, 63-year-old Ritchie Dowrey, approached Woodward repeatedly, propositioning him and even reportedly groping the younger man. Finally Woodward had enough, laid one punch on Dowrey, landing it on his head and knocking him down. Woodward then left the bar, voicing his anger and frustration about the fact that he had been accosted so many times by the gay man. Unfortunately for Woodward, Dowrey suffered permanent brain damage from the punch, so Woodward is looking to serve some time behind bars. This is a tragic thing, brought on completely by Dowrey's asshattedness. Even for guys, fucking No means No, and Woodward had made that very clear several times. I would have reacted the same way if I had been in Woodward's situation because sometimes enough is enough. What is totally outrageous now, though, is that this is being billed as a homophobic Hate Crime... Yes, legislation intended to protect people from blatant vicious attacks based on outright hatred and prejudice has now been bastardized because, in his anger, Woodward pointed out that he was not interested in having sex with a gay man, and presumably referred to the man as a faggot. It was not like Woodward was in the bar baiting someone to beat the crap out, it wasn't as though he was begging for a fight or hunting for trouble. He went in for a drink, was accosted and finally reacted. This is what is wrong with the fucking judicial system... they have the god damned common sense of a fucking cumquat.