DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: STRIPPING AND STRUTTING FOR KENNEDY -- There are some things I will never fucking understand... like in April when Erykah Badu, the grammy-winning soul singer, stripped, dropped and rolled in the middle of Dealey Plaza. She did it to re-enact the moment of the assassination of John F Kenney for the end of a music video. She did it in an area open to the public, with families and children watching as they passed by. Now, I get artistic fucking licence, but what the fuck is she on? Stripping, singing, dancing, dropping to the ground... what she did was described as a ‘walking striptease’; I don’t seem to recall any of that shit happening in Dallas’ Dealey Plaze in 1963. I guess, though, nothing says Kennedy like a fucking strip act on what some might consider hallowed ground. She has now been found guilty of disorderly conduct, was fined $500 and was sentenced to six month’s probation. Now, true artistry would be Bambi doing that. It would be something none of those kids would ever fucking forget.

DATELINE: TWITS FOR TWATS – You will need to fucking sit down for this one, because if this isn’t the greatest fucking news ev-er, I don’t know what the hell is. Lady Gaga is about to pass Brittney Spears! Yes, she will soon have more twitter followers than anyone else in the whole fucking planet!!! Squeeeee!! People... get a fucking life! There is shit happening out there that needs to be dealt with and airhead tweets from airhead twits really moves us no closer to world peace, an end to starvation or abso-fucking-lutely closer to anything of any god damned value or consequence.

DATELINE: SKYROCKETING TO REALITY SHOW FAME – Well, okay, Reality Show Fame is a reach, I know, but you get what the hell I mean. Steven Slater, the slide jumping, beer snatching increased-cabin-pressure Sky Blue flight attendant who popped an artery last week has reported landed a fucking reality TV show gig. He will be helping people quit their jobs. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do for him. We want to watch all these people tell off their bosses, thumb their noses and slide down a fucking emergency chute. I have to wonder who the fuck is going to help all these people who Slater helps quit get a new fucking job, or will they all end up filling the flatscreen? What the fuck happened to us as a society that we will make no-talent dumbass fucking television programs out of anything? I realize it saves the networks on having to pay real people to do real fucking things with some modicum of real talent, but seriously, what the hell is wrong with the rest of us that tune this crap in?

DATELINE: DANCING ON DANNY WEBSTER’S GRAVE AND WATCHING HIM ROLL – It is a great fucking day when new words are added to the dictionary! We should all celebrate new words... erudite additions to the daily lexicon of society, and shit like that. So, without any ado, I give you some of the 2000 new words added to the Oxford Dictionary (yes, I know its Oxford and not fucking Webster, but Webster worked better for the dateline, so get over it, alright). *Insert Drum Roll Here* I give you... Vuvuzela, thanks to a fucking soccer tournament; Overleveraged, courtesy of the wonderful people of Wall Street; bargainous, which I am sure has to fucking appear in at least one George W Bush speech; Defriend, that sweet term created by Facebook for us to annihilate those who piss us off (I fucking LOVE this key and wish we could have one in real life too); Tweetup, which thanks to Twitter no longer means giving it to an annoying fucking yellow bird; Bromance, for those really really really close but still manly men; Buzzkill, Cheeseball, Chillax, Frenemy, and to explain those celebrity moments of incredibly bad judgment, we now have Wardrobe malfunction. Now I know we can all fucking rest easier because these are ‘real’ words.

DATELINE: BITCH-SLAPPING BITCHES – Dr. Laura Schlessinger quit her show. Thank God! It was about fucking time because while there were tidbits of vague common sense in what she said, for the most part it was a load of crap, and her tirade last week is just more proof of that fucking pudding. Watching her on interviews, I have to say that while she was incredibly unbelievably superior and condescending to the woman who called in to her show, she has been that way with absolutely every fucking person who has interviewed her for the media. If the bitch goes on once more about being interrupted when she is talking bullshit drivel, I am gonna reach through the screen and slap her. Seriously, how the hell fucking important does this bitch think she is. So... to my fucking delight... enter Sarah Palin, with the advise to Dr. Laura to ‘Don’t Retreat – Reload!’ Yes, lets pick the momsy cutesly little sound bite because why not defend TWO amendment rights in three words... of course, when it comes to the one about freedom of religion, well.... pfffft. Who gives a rat’s fucking ass about that one! The fact that Schlessinger bitch-slapped Palin two years ago when she was announced as the McCain’s running mate only adds to the irony of the whole damned thing. Sarah, hon, go pour yourself a cup of tea... Dr. Laura has done more than enough damage to her reputation. She probably doesn’t need you to add to her troubles.

DATELINE: OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND, BUT WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW? -- Mel Gibson argued in court that he cannot get by without his $7.2million ‘slush fund’ that he created to support his lifestyle. This is part of his argument regarding how much money the mother of his latest baby might be entitled to in her divorce from this colossal prick. $7.2M in a fucking slush fund? Perhaps if he gave it to Oksana, it would save him years of run-ins with the law. LMFAO! Yeah, right, like that would be a reality check for Gibson. It was reported he spends an average $600,000 a month on his ‘necessities’ and is wanting to limit the amount he pays to his ex-lover and 8-month-old baby to $6000/month. Well, hell, why go fucking crazy? We know that he will do absolutely anything to keep Grigorieva, that money-grubbing user, from ‘just fucking sucking him dry (sic)’. Seems he wasn’t complaining much about her doing that before they broke up. Come on, Mel baby, is it really so much to ask to give her at least enough money to be able to afford body guards to keep you away? She will undoubtedly need them.