DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DATELINE: AT A HOME WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM... RIGHT OVER TOP THE FAIRWAY – At great risk of causing great distress for my buddies who golf, yesterday a herd of buffalo ran through the Camrose Alberta golf course. Several players tried to pursue the critters with golf carts, but could not keep up with panicked bison. They were eventually rounded up in a holding pen. Unfortunately the damned pen was made of barbed wire. The old buffalo/barbed wire combo is sort of like the broom/spiderweb thing... of course the fucking herd ran in one end of their corral and right out through the other end, totally ignoring barbed wire (as buffalo are wont to do). There have been reports this morning of splinter groups wandering throughout the prairie city... three of them downtown are hanging out around the courthouse, a couple more were jogging down the biathlon path... so now is the perfect fucking opportunity. Get yer damned rollerskates on and see if it is possible in a buffalo herd.

DATELINE: CHEWING UP AND SPITTING OUT THE BIG APPLE – Once again the issue of constructions around Ground Zero has become an issue; a proposed 67-storey high rise is raising blood pressures in Manhattan as well. This time the problem is that the new building would rob the Empire State Building of its view, and that annoys ESB co-owner Anthony Malkin. Well, perhaps it is time for Anthony Malkin to pull on some big-boy pants and suck it up. The Twin Towers were one hell of a lot taller than the proposed new building, and no one complained about that. The simple fact of the matter is that in the downtown core of cities, because land is at a premium, construction has to go up, and no ‘view’ can be owned. Perhaps the new building will offer some perspective on the horizon, or will be a stunning architectural structure. Malkin needs to understand that while he might own the bricks and mortar of his building, he does not own the air two fucking blocks away. For a society that straps its constitutional rights to their hearts with fucking bands of iron, it is incredibly convenient how those constitutional rights only apply to themselves, and screw the other guy. You cannot embrace one aspect of those guaranteed rights and toss the others today just because you don’t like them. Of course, this report seems to always be reported with the comparison to the issues regarding the proposed mosque. According to the very first amentment to the constitution, freedom of religion is a guaranteed right. Is the proposal insensitive? Absolutely, but to deny the right for them to build a mosque on a piece of property legally purchased, to deny them the mosque now is to only provide one shitload of ammunition to terrorists. These are buildings, people... nothing more. Get over it.

DATELINE: GETTING GROPED IN THE SECURITY LINE – US Airport security has gotten grabby again. They have implemented a new ‘front of the hand slide down technique’ of searching passengers. This includes grabbing and searching of boobs, balls and anything else that strikes their fancy. Yes, they warn you that they are going to be a bit ‘invasive’ but seriously, there are some limits. They have x-ray machines, sniffer dogs, metal detectors... and STILL you have to submit to being groped? So what the hell will they do when I go through? I have more fucking nooks and crannies, wrinkles and folds... everyone else in the fucking line is going to miss their plane while they pat me down. So, since going naked might not be an option yet, I propose that for anyone who is going through this, make it more enjoyable. Do a Meg Ryan. As they are groping, groan, purr, scream Oh Yes! Oh My God! Yessssssssssssss!! Don’t Stop! Harder! Harder! Give people a reason to smile and the hopes of something pleasurable – the Airport Orgasm.

DATELINE: DOING DOGA – Yup, it’s the latest trend in all the classiest of fucking places. Of course, this is something that started in New York so it has to be fucking cool, right? It is yoga with your dog. You draw from their energy as you hold them and you in your yoga pose. I tried to take Adolf to a doga lesson. I was sure it would be fucking perfect for us. I did that thing where you have to kneel on the ground and stretch your arms out on the floor in front of you and stick your ass in the air, and you have your doggy underneath you when we do this, helping them to hold the same fucking pose. When I finally got my ass in the air and my arms on the ground, I couldn’t find fucking Adolf anywhere. When I got up to look for him, he was lying lifeless on the ground in the same area where my boobs had been resting. I thought he was fucking dead, but the little shit screamed when I went to pick him up and ran the hell away. When he sees the fucking yoga mat now, he runs and hides behind the toilet. So much for fucking doga.

DATELINE: PUTTING THE CAT IN THE CAN – You want to know how to get an entire country to hate you? Get caught on video dropping someone’s cat into a garbage can. That’s what happened to Lola, the little grey kitty. She stopped to get a little scratch from what is truly a vial fucking woman, and found herself scooped up and dropped into the trash can, the lid slammed down, and the woman taking off down the street. Lola was discovered fourteen hours later. The problem for this asshat woman, Mary, who worked at the bank, is that the whole incident was caught on video. Now Mary is getting police protection because of the gathering of people outside her home, and the death threats she has been receiving. I tried to feel sorry for her, but the woman is a stupid cruel bitch and so nope, I just can’t find the pity. I am pissed though, that no charges will be laid against the woman.

DATELINE: EXPLAINING LINDSAY – Yes, that would be Lohan. I will forgo my carved in fucking stone rule about not giving any words to these prima dona over-privileged bitches, but today... This weekend, Lindsay’s headline whoring daddy Michael, was also at it again, this time extolling praise for none other than that paragon of fucking virture Mel Gibson. The elder Lohan referred to the ‘apparently doctored tapes’ of Gibson being his usual asshole self. I guess who would know better about incriminating tapes than Michael Lohan... he tried to secretly release what he hoped was incriminating recordings of his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, and even his own daughter, so I guess he would be the resident expert when it comes to tape recordings. The reason for his defence of the unmitigated asshole? “All I know is Mel went on the line for Jesus Christ, built a church for God and has helped many.” Give me a fucking break... Yeah, that seems to be about the ONLY thing you know. I guess the Lohan apple of stupidity did not fall far from the fucking tree.