DAILY NEWS – SEPTEMBER 9th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – SEPTEMBER 9th, 2010


DATELINE: CHOWING DOWN A LITTLE TURKISH DELIGHT – A study done at the Erciyes University in Turkey has told us what we already fucking know, ladies... the average man lasts about 108 seconds in bed. That is only slightly longer than he is required to last on a fucking mechanical bull in a bar, but it is one hell of an order to fill. Thankfully, though, those wonderful university smart people have given us the solution to the problem... feed em beer. Yes, a man with a beer belly can last up to 7.3 minutes... that is a whole 5.5 minutes longer than a skinny guy. For starters, my little Turkish friends, even 7.3 minutes is nothing to fucking celebrate! And 108 seconds? My face has a longer orgasm when I fucking sneeze. The scientific reason for this, according to the study, is because overweight men have more of the female estradiol sex hormone, that gets in the way of a man’s ability to a speedy finish. I would suggest that the reason is much more simple... it doesn’t happen so much for them, and so they have to milk it for all its worth.

DATELINE: TRIPPING THE LIGHT FANTASTIC – Speaking of studies that tell us what we are supposed to like, ladies... a joint study from Northumbria University and the University in Gottingen tells us that we are supposed to like men who dance, but not just any men... just the ones that have big, flamboyant moves. Yes, you guys who shrug your shoulders on the dance floor, you toe-trodding klutzes who need a stick planted beside you in order for anyone to see how you are moving, you are shit outta luck. The same applies to the Michael Jackson’s of the world who think we are looking below the waist, so save us the sock adjustments at the crotch, because it just ain’t gonna work. I hope to hell this means that guys will start pulling their pants up because god knows we don’t want them doing those ‘big flamboyant moves’ with the ass of their pants hanging down around their fucking kneecaps. Seriously, your Denver Haynes do nothing for me, so please keep em to yourself, especially if they haven’t been washed in the last couple weeks. The fact that money was spent on a study like this is mind-boggling. The fact that it made it into a news cycle? There are no fucking words. My question is ‘With their big flamboyant moves, does that leave them anything left for in the fucking bedroom, or does that draw on their 108 seconds?

DATELINE: ON THE FRONT LINE, PUTTING OUT THE FIRE – It could come down to the fire department in Gainesville, Florida to stop the idiotic notion of burning Qu’rans. Despite calls from the President, the Secretary of State, the Pope (yeah, I know... go ahead and laugh because I sure as hell did), generals, world leaders, soldiers... damned near everyone, Pastor Terry Jones, that mental midget who believes burning books would teach people a lesson, has remained steadfast in his plans. Facing an influx of threats coming from all walks of life, resisting the pleas of Islamic leaders who went to talk to him and reason with him, Jones has the unbelievable ability to show what an ass he is every fucking time he opens his mouth. BUT, those heroes on the front lines, the most basic first line of defence for the masses... the local fire department... has declared that the burning of books IS illegal because the ink on the pages of a book make them a toxic substance, and they have stated they will not allow the books to burn. In an interesting twist though, this morning, Pastor Terry Jones, that upright stalwart defender of all things moral and just and Christian, has changed his tune slightly. Yesterday, only a message directly from God would make him change his mind. Today, perhaps a call from the White House or the Pentagon would be as good as a call from God. This was, in essence, nothing more than a stunt to bolster his own collection plate and bring attention to his rapidly reducing congregation, and its time his two fucking minutes were up. Let us take a minute to learn though, that yes, there is nothing to discount in the power of one, especially when that one is totally nucking futs.