DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF WHAT THE FUCK!! – Nine years, $214 Million… there is no one in the fucking world who is worth that and I don’t give a damned how well they can swing a bat. His fucking nuts could be made of platinum and he could crap gold bricks, but he still would not be worth that. No one is, and certainly not for playing a fucking game.
Today, though, the Detroit Tigers said that Prince Fielder is worth this to stand on the first bag and swing his bat. He doesn’t wear a uniform and stand a post to defend his country. He doesn’t parachute into enemy territory and have to live off his wits and adrenalin for days, or rescue people caught and held by Somali pirates. He does not spend 14 hours standing at an operating table trying to rebuild a fireman’s melted, peeling flesh. He doesn’t run into burning buildings to rescue people who may otherwise have only three minutes left to live. He doesn’t even make fucking decisions about the smooth flow of a fucking hamburger patty as it goes from freezer to fucking cash register. HE PLAYS A FUCKING GAME. He hits a ball with a fucking stick. Cavemen were doing that too, except even they were worth more because they had to gather the balls of sabertooth cat shit from the bushes and gnaw down a fucking tree with their teeth to make the bats.
So how does this completely obscene money pay out to poor widow pwincy? He will get $23MILLION for each year one and two, $24MILLION each of the remaining years of his contract. Too bad there won’t be any fucking fans able to afford a fucking ticket by that time, without being able to auction off a god damned kidney first. He will be paid an additional $500,000 if he manages to become the MVP for the American League, and for each MVP title he wins after that, he gets another cool million for a bonus. In case you have forgotten, let me remind you – HE PLAYS A FUCKING GAME. That’s it. He can’t even balance fucking Frisbees on his nose.
He doesn’t help rebuild Haiti – but he could do that and foot the bill comfortably all by himself. He doesn’t think about how many little babies in Africa might be fed with that sort of money, because if the MBA was to put their money pissed away to PAY PEOPLE TO PLAY A GAME into something a bit more… significant, this world would be one hell of a better place.
“But Bambi! What about Al Pujols? He makes more.” Yes, he does, and that is even a sadder truth, isn’t it? The same applies to the Yankee’s arrogant AssRod (yeah, we KNOW he was worth that kind of money, don’t we?), Ryan Howard and Cliff Lee.
So with all that huge obscene fucking money, guys, where were these geniuses when it came time for the World Series last year? Did all that money really get you any further ahead? It should be twice the shame for the Phillies.
I keep asking myself when the hell are these leagues going to grab some fucking brains and become realistic about this shit. The salaries alone could clear the national fucking debt. Then I realize that perhaps it’s not the league who bears the blame, or the teams even. It’s the fans. It’s the fans who, despite not having money to make a mortgage payment will still hang on to that fucking season’s pass for the year. It’s also the fans who could put a stop to this. Think about it… these guys are getting made in one hour more than most of us will see in a fucking year, and yet we celebrate it and subsidize it? What the fuck is wrong with us? We work hard for our money and we don’t get paid millions of dollars every year. We need some perspective. THEY ARE PLAYING A GAME, for fuck sake.
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