DAILY NEWS -- January 9th, 2012

DATELINE: WAY DOWN SOUTH, KEEPING AN EYE ON THOSE FUCKING
NUTS – What did one nut say to the other? I’m coming down to Venezuela to pay you a visit.

There you have it: a cluster of nuts, dangling about right there in South America. Chavez and Ahmadinejad are together again, arm in arm, sharing an embrace, the Malevolent Biff and Bob of the Geopolitical Sect. Hugo is still on his tirade about the United States causing all the South American government leaders to get cancer, and is still slinging bargain-basement burritos at the masses, of course not at bargain basement prices, but they are the national food, so shut up and eat. When Hugo says 'eat my fucking burritos', who is gonna argue?

And my old buddy Mahmoud… that crazy bastard started his visit by stating "Our weapon is logic. Our weapon is culture. Our weapons are human values." Who the hell is he trying to kid? Talk about yer fucking brazil nut sammich. So what unites these two fucking Almond Joy bars? Oil, because they have it coming out their asses,and a hate of ‘the imperialistic US’… the one that they have absolutely no intention of harming or invading or bombing, even though it is the 'axis of evil' *insert sinister music here*. Of course they have a logical explanation for the uranium enrichment that has started in Iran – it has some sort of medical purpose (ummm, like ending lives, instead of helping them?)

I’ve said it before, I will say it again: When the mayans were on calendar-making coffee break and opened up their Chinese fortune cookies, it was a picture of these two idiots and that uber-macho,even uberer-dangerous dickhead Putin that they saw, and they just threw up their chisels and hammers and said ‘fuck it’.

DATELINE: UP NORTH, WHERE THE AIR IS CRISP AND BRAINS ARE FROZEN – ‘Whose brain?’ you might (ridiculously) ask. Well, I am gonna surprise you with this one. If you guessed Sarah Palin, you were wrong… well, half wrong. You might want to sit down for this fucking game-changer in the GOP race. This is the announcement the whole fucking world has been waiting for. Leaders in countries far and near have been praying for this fucking moment. YES, Todd Palin has made an endorsement for who he thinks (yes, this word is being used artistically here) should be leader of the Republican Party. Whew! I was getting god damned worried about this. How were they ever going to get by without this bit of fucking information? To top it off, the shit-for-brains fooled me. I was sure Santorum would be his candidate of choice, you know… considering… you know… the whole shit thing, but no, Rick Santorum can breathe easier now, as can Romney, Huntsman, and Ron Paul. The winner (or loser) of this fucking award will be none other than Nut GinGrinch! Rick Perry, eat your heart out.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CLUSTERS OF NUTS – Charlie Sheen announced today that he is no longer insane. We can take his word for it. Take a minute. Let that news sink in… then laugh your fucking ass off.

DATELINE: PUTTING ANOTHER NOTCH ON THE VATICAN BEDPOST – Because rape, sexual abuse, abuse, sodomy, abuse of authority, obstruction of justice, genocide (yeah, you thought we had forgotten those pesky little Crusades, didn’t you), perjury, assisting in multiple cover-ups, running a brothel from the basement of the Holy City and hypocrisy just weren’t enough, lets add plagiarism to the list of skills the Pope and his gang of merry men have perfected. Yes, they announced that while doing up the biographies for their list of new Cardinals, they stole the bios from, wait for it… Wikipedia… without attribution even -- those sneaky bead-jigglers. Come on, they are your own fucking people. You have the damned personnel files on em, but you had to steal bios to hand out to your few yet-to-be-fleeced-sheep? I guess, in their defense, they used the Italian versions, but seriously? The thing that gave them away… in the releases they made, they described their cardinals as being ‘catholic’. Well, duh! Now they are saying they were just trying to ‘help’ and the biographies were ‘unofficial’. My favorite excuse though, and you would think the catholic church should be getting at least a little better at it (but apparently not) is that they had no advanced notice of the names and had been in a hurry. Man, the kneelers in the confessionals in St Peters have to be just about fucking worn out.