DAILY NEWS: January 31st, 2012

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF VOMIT – As if the GOP, with its endless, nauseating bullshit debates and ads, has not gotten bad enough, if Romney’s arrogant, indifferent attitude towards the millions he makes, or Gingrinch’s misogynistic spewing and Fanny May ass-covering weren’t enough, enter The Rev. O’Neal Dozier. This self-proclaimed ‘prayer warrior who faithfully spends time in his own prayer closet’ is the posterboy for why the hell church and state HAVE to be separated. Have you listened to the ravings of this total fucking idiot? The fact that he endorses that baby-faced fascist Santorum is bad enough, but now, well, he is presenting to the world some incredible insight into the likes, dislikes and digestive issues of none other than, well, God.

Yes, Dozier says ‘God loves homosexuals. He hates the act of homosexuality’. What the fuck? God tells him this? He says that ‘homosexuality makes God want to vomit’. What? Has he held the holy barf bucket for Him?

For this, he is now Santorum’s Honorary Campaign Chairman. Yes, he is the fascist’s mouthpiece. How the fuck can anyone take this shit seriously? We laugh when an Iranian Imam preaches to his people that it is women’s promiscuity that causes earthquakes and other natural disasters, and we laugh. How the fuck are the rantings of this asshole reverend any different? They rail about Islamic extremists and the huge security risk, safety risk they are. How are radical Christian extremists any fucking different?

He also has a lot to say about Mormons – who he claims still claim the black man’s skin is a curse. Yes, there was a time when a black man could not be ordained into the Mormon priesthood, but that was lifted (though not repudiated) in 1978. Lemme ask you this; have you gone into a bar in the southern US and tried to sit and have a beer with a black person? I know that Reverend Dozier is black – more is the shame that he is so fucking intolerant of everyone else. How many of those Bible-thumping ultra right-wing evangelicals don’t actively voice their opinion that blacks still belong in the back of the bus? Far to fucking many, is the answer, so where the hell do they get off pointing a finger at a decades-gone church edict? How is what the Mormon church said, way back when, about blacks any fucking different than the woman-hating edicts of the Catholic pope regarding who can have what role in a church, that they STILL hold dearly to their hearts and pronounce every day as a God-written law?

What annoys me the absolute most though, is that ANYONE feels they have the fucking right to tell me what God thinks. How can they know? How the fuck can Reverend Dozier sit in front of a television camera and state with absolute surety what God wants, likes or dislikes? Does he have tea with the Maker every morning? No, he bases his OPINIONS on what he reads in the Bible. That’s fine, and his right. We all have opinions, and I have no problem voicing mine or letting others voice theirs, unless they are so absolutely fucking stupid, like just about every word that comes out of Dozier’s mouth, but he screams that he knows what God thinks.

Here is a little tip for you, Idiot. The Bible, while a wonderful, and at times enlightening, story is nothing more than the writings of men who had their own god damned agenda to promote, and so over the years it gets edited and interpreted to suit the needs of the interpreter. It was not written in English, so right from the get-go there is much lost, and much augmented in the first translation.

The one thing that is in every book attributed to God in his every form and name, is that we are to treat others as we wish to be treated. Why the fuck is that one the ONLY one that seems to get lost in all of this bullshit? Amid the contractions, the turn the other cheek unless you are taking an eye for an eye crap, the unconditional love unless I have to strike you down fear-mongering bullshit meant to keep the writer’s minions in line, why is the one basic tenet of the entire book always lost.
Any government leader who claims to have insight into God’s mind, or who claims to have a conduit to that same place, deserves the same consideration as the nut-bar on the fucking corner who gets messages from the dead beyond through the smell of his dog’s farts. They certainly don’t belong anywhere near a fucking election, let alone being an advisor to someone running for the fucking White House and the post powerful position in the land. You are talking about the GOP party here, not the GOD party, for shit sake. These fucking nimnos serve no useful public purpose other than to make me spray potable beverages through my nose while watching how Jon Stewart deals with it on late-night television. It’s pathetic but these two idiots make Gingrinch and Romney seem almost reasonable. How fucking sad. God help the United States of America.

DAILY NEWS -- January 26th, 2012

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF WHAT THE FUCK!! – Nine years, $214 Million… there is no one in the fucking world who is worth that and I don’t give a damned how well they can swing a bat. His fucking nuts could be made of platinum and he could crap gold bricks, but he still would not be worth that. No one is, and certainly not for playing a fucking game.

Today, though, the Detroit Tigers said that Prince Fielder is worth this to stand on the first bag and swing his bat. He doesn’t wear a uniform and stand a post to defend his country. He doesn’t parachute into enemy territory and have to live off his wits and adrenalin for days, or rescue people caught and held by Somali pirates. He does not spend 14 hours standing at an operating table trying to rebuild a fireman’s melted, peeling flesh. He doesn’t run into burning buildings to rescue people who may otherwise have only three minutes left to live. He doesn’t even make fucking decisions about the smooth flow of a fucking hamburger patty as it goes from freezer to fucking cash register. HE PLAYS A FUCKING GAME. He hits a ball with a fucking stick. Cavemen were doing that too, except even they were worth more because they had to gather the balls of sabertooth cat shit from the bushes and gnaw down a fucking tree with their teeth to make the bats.

So how does this completely obscene money pay out to poor widow pwincy? He will get $23MILLION for each year one and two, $24MILLION each of the remaining years of his contract. Too bad there won’t be any fucking fans able to afford a fucking ticket by that time, without being able to auction off a god damned kidney first. He will be paid an additional $500,000 if he manages to become the MVP for the American League, and for each MVP title he wins after that, he gets another cool million for a bonus. In case you have forgotten, let me remind you – HE PLAYS A FUCKING GAME. That’s it. He can’t even balance fucking Frisbees on his nose.

He doesn’t help rebuild Haiti – but he could do that and foot the bill comfortably all by himself. He doesn’t think about how many little babies in Africa might be fed with that sort of money, because if the MBA was to put their money pissed away to PAY PEOPLE TO PLAY A GAME into something a bit more… significant, this world would be one hell of a better place.

“But Bambi! What about Al Pujols? He makes more.” Yes, he does, and that is even a sadder truth, isn’t it? The same applies to the Yankee’s arrogant AssRod (yeah, we KNOW he was worth that kind of money, don’t we?), Ryan Howard and Cliff Lee.
So with all that huge obscene fucking money, guys, where were these geniuses when it came time for the World Series last year? Did all that money really get you any further ahead? It should be twice the shame for the Phillies.

I keep asking myself when the hell are these leagues going to grab some fucking brains and become realistic about this shit. The salaries alone could clear the national fucking debt. Then I realize that perhaps it’s not the league who bears the blame, or the teams even. It’s the fans. It’s the fans who, despite not having money to make a mortgage payment will still hang on to that fucking season’s pass for the year. It’s also the fans who could put a stop to this. Think about it… these guys are getting made in one hour more than most of us will see in a fucking year, and yet we celebrate it and subsidize it? What the fuck is wrong with us? We work hard for our money and we don’t get paid millions of dollars every year. We need some perspective. THEY ARE PLAYING A GAME, for fuck sake.

VIEW FROM THE DRIVER'S SEAT

DATELINE: IN THE BLEACHERS AT PENN STATE – After false reports of his death last night and denials this morning that he was still alive, it has been announced, and confirmed, that Joe Paterno has died. Sadly, some hope that the issue regarding his friend and colleague Jerry Sandusky will die with him. For that to happen would be an even greater injustice to the many victims who suffered at Sandusky's hand.

As I read reaction to his death, it is truly revolting to hear the praise stacked on this man, for the sake of a game. The fact that he was an active enabler seems to be irrelevant. I wonder if it would be so unimportant if it had been your child who had been sexually assaulted in the Penn State locker rooms. Let me state, first and foremost, that I understand the grief of losing a parent. Been there, done that; but it’s a pain that unites the vast majority of us, one thing in life that, regardless of class or position, we share. As hard as it is, the death of a parent, though,is a natural process; the way it is supposed to be, as opposed to a parent experiencing the death of their child.

I know it’s natural to not want to speak ill of the dead,that in death people become bigger than they were in life, but come on. To wish that his legacy is based on his successes on the playing field as opposed to that little blip at the end of his life, that little secret that we would all rather be shoved under the carpet so we can praise and adulate before the great coach of a fucking game, is stomach-churning. At what point does it sink in that he spent his life playing a game, and when does it ever become even remotely possible to consider a game to be more important than protecting the lives of innocent,vulnerable children.

Joe Paterno, more than anyone else in this whole Sandusky clusterfuck, was the one person who could have… and should have… made a difference. He could have set the standard in moral and ethicals in spite of the immediate fallour. He could have proven that the right thing to do is always preferable, and that the hit that comes from doing it would be short-lived, nothing more than farts from the lips of idiots, but he chose not to. He KNEW what was happening, yet he chose to not do a damned thing about it. I wonder if he would have been so ineffective if it had been his child in the shower being taught how to soap and lather? JoPa claimed that he did report it to campus authorities, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure? Holy crap. He delivered this lame-ass explanation, but wasn’t pressed on it – more’s the shame for the interviewer. He didn’t know what to do… because he didn’t want his assistant coach who helped win games to be in trouble, and he didn’t want his precious fucking football team or the university to be held accountable and perhaps have to get a different assistant coach, which could have cost them a game or two. Holy fuck! Well then, of COURSE it’s okay to keep your mouth shut about vulnerable children being horribly, irreparably abused right there under your nose. What were we thinking? Where are our priorities? We were talking about losing some games here! That could never be allowed to happen.

Sarcasm aside, what absolutely enrages me about this whole thing is that here was a man who was in a perfect place to make a difference… a real difference, a significant difference, in LIVES, not in a fucking game. He dedicated his life to working with young men, preparing them, undoubtedly giving them some life lessons, some counseling, some guidance to navigate the waters that lie ahead, and that’s all good. But he absolutely destroys that good by turning a blind eye to kids who were not his problem, but were being abused by someone he knew, in heinous ways, right on the worksite. He COULD have stood up. Imagine the lessons he could have taught, the example he could have set for others. Imagine the difference Joe Paterno could have made if he had stood up and fought for children desperately needed someone to fight for them. He reported it to the campus then didn’t know what else he could do? What? Was he prepped for questioning by some catholic bishop?

Joe Paterno is dead, his family rightly grieves for the loss of their loved one, and my sympathy goes out to them. Too bad so few have no sympathy for the children who are abused. It's too bad no one considered stopping it before more children were hurt, no one stood up, like a man, and did what needed to be done. A game was more important than the lives of innocent children in the hands of a monster. Shame on you, Joe Paterno. The one person who could have made a difference, and you took the selfish coward’s way out. Your family’s pain will be real. I won’t pretend though; there will be no crocodile tears from me. Those are reserved for the true victims. They’ve been slapped in the face enough times over this; I won’t participate in further abuse against them by idolizing this man, not even in death.Joe Paterno's legacy SHOULD be about that which he chose not to do; God knows, that's what it will be for Sandusky's victims and their families.

DAILY NEWS -- January 17th, 2012

DATELINE: TAKING THE PLUNGE INTO THE LOGIC POOL – I’m Canadian, and what do all Canadians talk about ALL the time? Why, oil pipelines, of course! We are in the midst of two broohaahaas, one regarding the Keystone Pipeline to the Gulf Coast, and one regarding the Gateway Pipeline, running to the Queen Charlotte Islands along BC’s Pacific Ocean coast. The routes for both are problematic, but in our usual inimitable manner, we humbly strong-arm and threaten the people whose land these pipelines will cross over. Aren’t we fucking special?

Here are some of the simple truths that no one has the god damned balls to say. Yes, we need fossil fuels. Even if, tomorrow, we come up with the perfect solution, the magical alternate fuel to run our vehicles and engines, we STILL need oil. We still need it to fuel our homes, and up here, there aren’t a lot of other options. We use it globally to make plastics and nylon, wrinkle-free fabrics, aspirin, cd’s, shoes, dyes… every room in every home will have items in there that are the result of oil extraction. Yes, some could be made from organic sources, but even the process of processing the organic sources requires oil, especially on the scale that services the population. Current means of producing ethanol uses more oil than it saves, and how many fields of corn would be required to keep our vehicles on the road just in this country? So, Yes, we need fossil fuels. Oh, and that whole 'clean coal' shit? yes, its shit. Coal is coal, it is dirty to mine, it is dirty to use, but its a necessary evil as well, but call it what it fucking is. There is no 'clean coal'. That's like saying there is sugar-dipped shit and expecting we will all chow down.

Is there room to compromise? Hell yes, and that is exactly what is needed. Yes, measures need to be taken to protect the environment, but why does everything have to be so fucking extreme now? The Republicans and the Democrats, the Environmentalists and the Oil Companies, do NOT have the ability, the desire or the guts to compromise on ANYTHING. It’s ‘my way or the highway’ in all regards, and that is what will kill us all.

So, we want to stop the pipeline because it is a hazard. God damned right they are a hazard. So is every big tanker truck on a railroad, being dragged down the highway by truckers who are dead on their feet because they can’t slow down for even one fucking minute because of the spiraling costs they face in this fucked-up economy, and in those crap boats that will haul it across the oceans. What about the carbon footprint created by those trucks, those boats and those railway trains? There is one hell of a lot of oil to move, and a long way to move it, and these guys chugging along, farting black every inch of the way seems a bit… counterproductive to the cause.

Politicians and oil companies, what about you? *sigh* Yes, I lumped you together. Why not? One is in the pocket of the other, so what the fuck. Let’s just call it like it is. What’s with this crap about threatening people so they get off their land and give you access? What sort of fucking bullshit is that? What gives you the right to not give fair dollar and work in good faith on this? Is it just because, when you start to work in oil, you become a colossal dickhead? You are so greased up, your head lives up your ass? Get a fucking life! The path you chose for the Keystone is asinine, and you know and you knew it even before you started going in there like fucking schoolyard bullies. The people down there have a right to be pissed. Is it really so hard to do something ethically? Really?

So, here is where the logic kicks in… for some of us maybe. It makes sense to move the oil by pipeline, but ONLY if the pipeline is incredibly well maintained. It will be cheaper, over time, to not have trucks hauling it, so yes, the pipeline makes sense. It also is reasonable to say that there is no way to get a pipeline across a fucking continent, or across a continental divide, without disrupting very sensitive environmental areas. The pipeline should not ever cross migratory paths without some compensation being made to the species… bridges, pathways, something to allow them to do what the good lord intended them to do in order to survive. It should not go over aquifers that would destroy water tables for thousands of people and animals, and it should be on land that is fairly purchased by the oil company, with deals that don’t consistently fuck the real land owners. I realize that one is a reach, but it is possible, if the fucking politicians would hold these assholes to task.

But in order for this to work, why not do it to everyone’s advantage. The land owners make a fair dollar for their land. The oil company gets their pipeline… and the environmentalists? Yes, they too can win, and not just by having fewer trucks and trains out there moving this shit. They need to hold the politicians accountable as well, setting up a program that allows for joint programs (government/private) to consistently patrol, protect and nurture the land around the pipeline. It could, conceivably, become the cleanest, safest, most naturally abundant area in the world with some cooperation and compromise. It would help the economy by creating jobs that could not be farmed out to foreign slave workers, and could be done in conjunction with efforts to refining more sources of fuels that are with not run out and will be less harmful to everyone. It will also, perhaps, lessen the need to frack. Sorry, but that process is just fucking wrong and it has way more potential to do way more fucking damage to everyone than anything else the damned oil companies can come up with.

So there you go – a win/win/win/win, but it requires cooperation and acceptance of some truths, which probably means it won’t ever happen. Although, for someone looking to get re-elected, it might be a handy thought, President Obama?

DATELINE: IN THE CRAPPER, FLUSHING IT DOWN

So, it’s come to this: comedian Stephen Colbert coyly almost announcing his candidacy for the GOP South Carolina primary. What a sad fucking day – but not for the reasons you think.

How did this almost soon-to-be maybe announcement come about? Because five percent of people in South Carolina who were asked about their choices in the primary indicated to pollsters they would vote for Stephen Colbert – so why shouldn’t he throw his hat into the ring. Anyone else would. The sad part of this is that it shows, without doubt, the mockery that the political system has become. It shows the frustration of the electorate, and it shows (no offense, Stephen) that any ass is a welcome part of that system. It shows that too many people don’t take some very serious situations seriously at all.

Yes, Colbert and Stewart have brought attention to the stupidity of the system and the people who are part of it. They have, in essence,proven the hypothesis that politicians take care of themselves first, last and always. Their experiment has removed any doubt that the system now is so corrupt it is virtually impossible to take it seriously. That whole PAC crap about advertising money and the candidate having nothing to do with it? Oh please, there is NO ONE who doesn’t know that Gingrinch and Romney have everything to do with them… because that is the way governments now work. They don’t worry about morals or ethics anymore, especially when it comes to getting a chance to sit behind that fucking fancy desk in the Oval Office. These guys would even eat their young, for fuck sake, if it meant one more vote in a swing state.

‘But Bambi, you’re a Canadian. Why do you give a shit anyways?’ Good question. There are several reasons. The first is that whatever the most powerful country in the world does, it has an impact on every other country, and the closer you are to the US, the more it affects you. The second is that, we are really really close neighbors, and when your asshole leader lets his ego gets in the way, and the bombs start falling, we are right in the middle of the firing range, much to close for comfort. The third is that,whether right or wrong, we are sort of like the US’s adoring little brother,looking up to him, following his lead, emulating what he does… and I do NOT want Canada to be like that ever (although already, as kids are wont to do as they age, we are quickly catching up and becoming more and more like you every day). The fourth reason is because we have to watch all of your political bullshit and ads every time we turn on our fucking sets, and you know, you guys are in Perpetual Election Mode down there now. The minute the votes are counted, you are off and running again, making sure that you win the next one four years later. You are so fucking busy running for election that you have no time or interest in actually running the country.

The even sadder part of this is that you have an incredible system offered to you by some incredibly smart people, who were not looking to line their pockets and have unmitigated power and authority over the whole land. Those people were more concerned about freedom, equality, creating a land where EVERYONE had a chance to live their dreams (not just the top 1%). Once that plan was in place, a plan that the rest of the world looked at in awe and wondered if they should ever dare to dream of some plan for their own countries that offered the same great gifts, it became time to fight for it, and fight they did. They all put their lives on the line, and men and women have been proudly doing the same ever since. They never looked for a fucking loophole to garner them more favor and give them one more vote over the other guy; they were too busy crouching in fox holes under barrages of artillery fire, and watching, horrified, while their buddies had their arms, legs, heads blown off.

I hear people saying there is no point in voting, what difference does it make? They are all corrupt, they lie to get into office. I am not arguing any of that. What I am arguing is that apathy is the most powerful weapon in these candidates arsenal. By not voting, we allow them to do what they want. By not voting, we say it’s okay to do what they are doing. Yes, the system needs change, and it needs it right now, but the system is not going to change it, and the politicians are not going to change it. The people are the ones to do that. You don’t have to don a uniform, pick up a gun and crouch in a fox hole while shitting your pants in fear; but you do have to stand up and be counted, and really, that’s not a lot to ask, is it? You want to see changes, hold these assholes accountable. There isn’t a candidate that wholly appeals to you? Then find one, and ask them to run. There are a lot of smart,honest, principled, hard-working people out there – so find one. If you have to ‘settle’ on a candidate, then when he is elected, hold him to account, write letters, and make a stand. If you are asked to make a political contribution, say no because you don’t like the tactics. You don’t want someone to buy their way into the White House, then don’t give them money – which means don’t give the money to those companies who do support them. If you know that someone is sponsoring a crooked candidate, contact them and say you won’t purchase their crap anymore. Tired of the mudslinging bullshit ads? Phone the television stations and say ‘Enough! I am changing the channel because this is bullshit.’ If the 40% of the population who does not vote did these things, did something more than bitch from their armchair, the system would change. It would be held to account, and it would be because you stood up. Until then, I guess we sit back and watch more people make a mockery of a system that is already sadly, dangerously not more than a daily joke.

So, Colbert MIGHT run. I am not going out on a limb to say that his ideas could not be any more dumbass than the ones being floated by the 'traditional' candidates, his past could not be more smarmy than theirs, he could never be even close to them on the hypocrisy chart, so maybe this is a blessing. Maybe he is meant to be 'the chosen one', Anderson Cooper and his Ridiculist be damned! If Colbert manages to sweep the Carolinas and goes on to take Washington, though, it’s to be hoped that Jon Stewart could be his vice president, and become the first VPOTUS to have his face on paper money. If I had dollar bills with Jon Stewart’s face on them, I would save those puppies, glue them up on the bedroom ceiling, and have a couple in my hip pocket just to take out and lick throughout the day, then lovingly slide them back where they belong. It would create a whole new, much more palatable economic crisis.

DAILY NEWS - JANUARY 10th, 2012

DATELINE: OBSERVING THE CORONATION OF TURD ISLAND’S KING SHIT -- Finally, the damned GOP primaries have started – not a fucking moment too soon, because I was really starting to get sick of the gazillion debates so far. I’m excited. I’m a bit of a politics junkie, and, well, there is no nice way to say this, but the US has become the ultimate crack/speed/LSD fix – always extreme, always ugly, with a surreal quality of constant ‘what the fuck, man!’ that continually offers a follow-up hit with more pizzazz and less time in between, exactly what a junkie longs for. Their new prayer is Thank God for the United States of America and its never-ending election cycle. That said, I do not envy the Republicans their job of gleaning the wheat from the chaff in this weed-infested crop of crooks, hate-mongers and idiots.

I have grown tired of the hypocrisy of Romney and Gingrinch – holy crap, those two have written the damned book on hypocrisy in the extreme! I have given thanks (and even lit a candle) that Palin and Trump decided not to run – yet – and that Bachmann and Cain pulled out, because that was just way too much stoopid to even consider a possibility. That Santorum is still in there astounds me: to my dear friends on the warm side of the border, there are no coincidences – there is a reason that the man’s name is synonymous with frothy semen-filled shit. That ain’t no accident, and is something you really don’t want to be looking at every night for the next 8 years while eating dinner and watching the flatscreen. The man is fucking insane, and will seriously take your human rights back to a point where Kim Jong Il and Stalin would look moderate.

Of the many concerns I have with Ron Paul, the top one is that I can’t look at him without hearing Mr. Magoo’s voice. I can’t imagine the most powerful country in the world being led by a cartoon character. The thought of Mr Magoo strolling into the United Nations building with a passionate plea to call the world to arms, to unite against some heinous mutual threat, would have people laughing their asses off. Sorry, but he may as well talk like Alvin the Chipmunk as well, because as far as credibility goes, anyone who had good cartoon taste as a kid is not gonna take him seriously… and that could be more the danger.

Rick Perry, apart from having terminal Foot-in-Mouth Disease and needing Ed The Talking Horse on stage with him to help him count to three, proudly uses as his big boast the fact that he loves to kill people (just slightly better than Romney stating that he likes to fire people). Yes, thanks to the valiant efforts of Rick Perry, the US is essentially tied for third place at the International Government Executions Olympics in 2011 -- just a handful of lives behind North Korea and Yemen, but miles ahead of the next competitor. With Perry at the helm, you can well expect, with great pride, to give second place Iran, or even the front-runner, China, a run for their money. Does it not bother anyone that there is NO developed country in the world even competing in this event?

Here are the things that make me scream at the set though. How can this incredible collection of excrement stand there and scream about the evils of class warfare while bragging about being a product of it with every other sentence? How can they logically think there is one magic ticket to curing the economic woes of a country? For fuck sake, dropping taxes to the ‘job creators’ is the biggest load of cow crap I have ever heard. It’s the ‘job creators’ taking their jobs overseas, to where they get essentially slave labor at the hands of impoverished, desperate people (and a resultant crap product) that contributed to the problem, as well as Gingrinch’s Freddy Mac and Fanny Mae shit – and sorry, you can paint that outhouse with any color paint you want, but it’s still gonna be nothing more than a hole full of shit, Newt. Historical consultant? My ass! The largest corporations out there right now are sitting on billions, praying for that tax cut, not so they can hire more people on this continent, but so they can line their own fucking pockets and fuck the people over again – while passing handfuls of money under the table to the politicians who are pushing this fucking agenda. Why is this so hard for you dopes to see? There is a desperate need for tax reform, and that does not mean to keep taxing the middle class and lining the pockets of the likes of Gingrinch and Romney, but giving it some mile-long bullshit new name. You wanna talk about fucking class warfare, you better start looking in a mirror, then watchin your ass, because someone is gonna put on their Robin Hood costume and you two dolts are surely gonna be mistaken for that lousy, crooked, evil, heartless Sheriff of Nothingham.

Plus what is this crap about wanting less government, but then saying the government should federally regulate who sleeps with who, who can use birth control, and what church is acceptable? You might be wanting to lead the most powerful nation in the world, but that is not quite the same as being God. A leader with a god complex is… well… Kim Jung Il or Stalin. You want to control religion and ethnicity? Well, Hitler also managed to do that – for a while, but I guess anything is on the table when world domination, your pocketbook and a place in history is on the line. Fucking with this shit in politics is incredibly dangerous, and incredibly stupid, but I guess if the republican party is so narrow-minded and asinine to put someone like this in a position of leadership, they can reap what they sow. That a country the size and scope of the United States of America can only come up with this list of lame-brains to offer as their best and brightest is the saddest fucking thing I have ever seen.

That said, I will go out on a limb and make a prediction. Based solely on the very scientific process of pulling a name out of my ass (the same principle apparently employed by these candidates when discussing just about any issue), I will predict it will come down to sadly, Romney and Huntsman, with a Trump card being played in the end run. Why? Because everyone else on the playing field has had their one major pass, that one chance to take it across the goal line in a hail of glorious cheers, and they have dropped the ball. Bachmann, Paul, Perry, Cain, Gingrinch (twice), and now Santorum all did a meteoric rise to the top of the heap, only to open their mouths with a bit more press coverage and say that thing that made the people go ‘Holy Hell, What Were We Thinking!’. There is a reason for the huge undecided vote among republicans, and that is because the choices they are being offered are about the same as offering them a choice of death by disembowelment or being tied to an anthill and covered with honey to allow the critters to eat them alive. Huntsman has not had that chance to rise to the top yet. He’s a late bloomer, and he will start his holy ascension now, late enough in the game to put him near the top in the end, which leaves the evangelical right with the unbelievable choice of picking from a table with only two dishes – neither one being fish, but both of them belonging to that radical upstart cult of Mormonism. How sad that a candidate’s religion is even a topic of discussion, but if there is one thing it’s easy to scare people about, to bring out the worst in them, its religion.

But what about the Trump card, you ask? Well, I suspect that SOME people, when his choice isn’t going to make it across the finish line, is gonna toss his hat into the ring as an independent. That’s sad on two counts, the first being that he really should not take off any hat that hides that bad comb-over, but is also sad because of the elementary school-yard attitude it portrays. For God’s sake, the man has a golden crapper but still uses a ShamWow on his hair. More to the point though, it will give the Republicans just what they don’t need – another reason to be idiotically divided.

DAILY NEWS -- January 9th, 2012

DATELINE: WAY DOWN SOUTH, KEEPING AN EYE ON THOSE FUCKING
NUTS – What did one nut say to the other? I’m coming down to Venezuela to pay you a visit.

There you have it: a cluster of nuts, dangling about right there in South America. Chavez and Ahmadinejad are together again, arm in arm, sharing an embrace, the Malevolent Biff and Bob of the Geopolitical Sect. Hugo is still on his tirade about the United States causing all the South American government leaders to get cancer, and is still slinging bargain-basement burritos at the masses, of course not at bargain basement prices, but they are the national food, so shut up and eat. When Hugo says 'eat my fucking burritos', who is gonna argue?

And my old buddy Mahmoud… that crazy bastard started his visit by stating "Our weapon is logic. Our weapon is culture. Our weapons are human values." Who the hell is he trying to kid? Talk about yer fucking brazil nut sammich. So what unites these two fucking Almond Joy bars? Oil, because they have it coming out their asses,and a hate of ‘the imperialistic US’… the one that they have absolutely no intention of harming or invading or bombing, even though it is the 'axis of evil' *insert sinister music here*. Of course they have a logical explanation for the uranium enrichment that has started in Iran – it has some sort of medical purpose (ummm, like ending lives, instead of helping them?)

I’ve said it before, I will say it again: When the mayans were on calendar-making coffee break and opened up their Chinese fortune cookies, it was a picture of these two idiots and that uber-macho,even uberer-dangerous dickhead Putin that they saw, and they just threw up their chisels and hammers and said ‘fuck it’.

DATELINE: UP NORTH, WHERE THE AIR IS CRISP AND BRAINS ARE FROZEN – ‘Whose brain?’ you might (ridiculously) ask. Well, I am gonna surprise you with this one. If you guessed Sarah Palin, you were wrong… well, half wrong. You might want to sit down for this fucking game-changer in the GOP race. This is the announcement the whole fucking world has been waiting for. Leaders in countries far and near have been praying for this fucking moment. YES, Todd Palin has made an endorsement for who he thinks (yes, this word is being used artistically here) should be leader of the Republican Party. Whew! I was getting god damned worried about this. How were they ever going to get by without this bit of fucking information? To top it off, the shit-for-brains fooled me. I was sure Santorum would be his candidate of choice, you know… considering… you know… the whole shit thing, but no, Rick Santorum can breathe easier now, as can Romney, Huntsman, and Ron Paul. The winner (or loser) of this fucking award will be none other than Nut GinGrinch! Rick Perry, eat your heart out.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CLUSTERS OF NUTS – Charlie Sheen announced today that he is no longer insane. We can take his word for it. Take a minute. Let that news sink in… then laugh your fucking ass off.

DATELINE: PUTTING ANOTHER NOTCH ON THE VATICAN BEDPOST – Because rape, sexual abuse, abuse, sodomy, abuse of authority, obstruction of justice, genocide (yeah, you thought we had forgotten those pesky little Crusades, didn’t you), perjury, assisting in multiple cover-ups, running a brothel from the basement of the Holy City and hypocrisy just weren’t enough, lets add plagiarism to the list of skills the Pope and his gang of merry men have perfected. Yes, they announced that while doing up the biographies for their list of new Cardinals, they stole the bios from, wait for it… Wikipedia… without attribution even -- those sneaky bead-jigglers. Come on, they are your own fucking people. You have the damned personnel files on em, but you had to steal bios to hand out to your few yet-to-be-fleeced-sheep? I guess, in their defense, they used the Italian versions, but seriously? The thing that gave them away… in the releases they made, they described their cardinals as being ‘catholic’. Well, duh! Now they are saying they were just trying to ‘help’ and the biographies were ‘unofficial’. My favorite excuse though, and you would think the catholic church should be getting at least a little better at it (but apparently not) is that they had no advanced notice of the names and had been in a hurry. Man, the kneelers in the confessionals in St Peters have to be just about fucking worn out.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP RECAP

Goodbye 2011, We hope you take these idiots with you!

*cues CanCan music*

Hey, here comes that time of year
When we sit back and gladly cheer
We wave goodbye to stories queer
And Lindsay Lohan Lohan Lohan

Chris Aquilera tried to sing
A truly patriotic thing
Perhaps next time the words she’ll bring
Since she don’t really know em.

Kate and Willie tied the knot
And Spidey’s webs he finally shot
Then Chaz raised shit with his foxtrot
The sponsors tried to blow ‘im.

Gaga carried shoulder-high inside an egg
Rupert Murdoch for clemency he had to beg
Kim Kardashian married for a whole week
Mel Gibson should never speak, never speak, never speak!

Maria kicked out Ahnold’s ass
And Beiber’s semen moved real fast
Show hosting torches had to pass
Bye Oprah, Regis Philbin, Philbin

A rock appeared on Britney’s hand
And Charlie Sheen amazed the land
With his tiger piss/Adonis plan
The ratings he was killin’, killin’

Palin, Romney, Bachmann too
Santorum spewing lots of poo
With Cain and Ron Paul (oy vey) What a crew!
Scripts for Jon Stewart fillin, fillin.

So now we start a brand new year
It will require much more beer
As more of this crap we’ll have to hear
Damn Lindsay Lohan, Lohan Lohan.

SANTORUM -- NAME AND NATURE?

DATELINE: DABBING AT THE FROTH THAT OOZES PAST HIS SPHINCTER – Who else could I be talking about but that GOP glaring bright light of hope for the future, the blessed one, the chosen one, the fucking nuts one -- RickSantorum, the ‘Jesus Candidate’. Well, he might be that, because whenever I see him come on my television, I scream ‘Oh Jesus!’ and turn the fucking channel.

To just remind all of you religious rage-aholics, there is a wonderful document in the United States of America. It’s called the Constitution, and within it, right there in the very first amendment, it states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ....". Further along, in the fourth article, just for added clarity, it also states "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

Now enter Rick Santorum, that frothy bit of butt juice, with his repeated spewing of "our civil laws have to comport with a higher law: God's law." So, apparently, Christian law’s trump everything else? Which of God’s laws are we talking about? And while he is saying this, he is talking about the ‘creeping threat of Muslim law’ – because apparently THEIR God is not the God Rick is talking about.

"We have Judeo-Christian values that are based on biblical truth. ... And those truths don't change just because people's attitudes may change." Well, Rick, you just said a mouthful! True enough… so which biblical truth are we going to embrace? If we sin with our arm, we should cut it off, or do we turn the other cheek? Perhaps the Lord helps those who help themselves trumps the fact that you are your brother’s keeper, unless of course, you are keeping them in prison, because they couldn’t help themselves. Do we embrace the vengeful god or the loving god.

Here is the first of my problems… the government should not force you to adhere to any one religion. If I want to worship a fucking cabbage, that is my business, and as long as I do not infringe on other people’s rights in the process, just fuck off and let me and my cabbage have at it. If you look at ALL of the religions on the world, every one of them has one basic, guiding principle – do unto others. All the rest is just a load of propaganda, crap inserted by the current interpreter to make the words meet his own needs. Why is this so fucking difficult? Rick Santorum’s God might be white-skinned, red-haired, bearded and speaking in English, and that’s cool. I rather doubt that if that same image of God showed up to the Maori people, he might just be a tad different, speakin a different language that they could relate to and understand, speaking the same fucking thing – do unto others. The absolute unmitigated arrogance of pricks like Rick Santorum about their religion is enough to make me puke.

But more than that, he, as President of the most powerful nation on the planet, is planning to deny millions of people their rights, impose his own (idiotic) beliefs on everyone, and that will make the world perfect. He is planning to overturn decisions and laws set up to protect everyone in the nation, all so he can tout his own god, and in the process make himself a saint. He will thump that Bible and, like those who wrote the Good Book, will twist its words to his own end. Any book that is a transcription of a transcription of a transcription, morphing through languages, interpretations and changes at the same rate as Depends in a senior’s home, cannot be touted as ‘the whole truth’. It was written by men for political purposes, with specific agendas, heavily laden with metaphor and symbolism, just so that it could be
this perfect weapon of abuse when it comes to individual rights. Yes, you can argue, but if you think about that, you will know its truth, and then you will be going to hell along with me. No worries, we will be in good fuckin company in our hell. The bar there is kickass.

This cannot be overstated: the man is nuckin futs, a fruit case of the most arrogant kind, a man who is bent on using religion to set himself on a pedestal while all others around him are tossed into the pits of hell, and yes, he will make sure they are in his own sick fucking version of hell. That he is taken seriously for even a minute is astounding, and makes me throw up a little in my mouth. The man who campaigns on DENYING human and religious rights is now a front runner. What the fuck does this say to you?

Freedom, honor, respect, tolerance, acceptance -- in the Santorum lexicon, these words don't exist. What is most disturbing of all, though, is the fact that even for one fraction of one minute this bastard is being taken seriously? I don't care what else he brings to the table -- the rest of it is just too much to sacrifice.

So, to the people who embrace what Santorum represents -- quit blaming people who are a different color than you for your fears, quit blaming people who practice a different religion than you for your insecurities about your own shortcomings, and quit blaming gays and lesbians for your unhappy fucking marriages and sexual hangups. Those are all YOU problems, not theirs, and the are certainly not something for which the entire nation should pay the price. Get a life, get serious about what is needed in leadership right now, and find someone to fucking elect who is not the raving lunatic of the god damned year.

SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT YEAR

DATELINE: SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT YEAR: Well, it is encouraging to know that some things will never fuckin change. First, the catholic church. *insert almost patient sigh here*. They created this bullshit front/homage to tolerance by creating Courage. Now, I have no idea what the hell ‘Courage’ is to me, but after spending time listening to the Catholic Church expounding on its wisdom, and perusing its website, if I wasn’t completely offended before by the church I grew up with and their hypocritical loads of bullshit, I certainly am now. Courage is sort of a Catholic AA for homosexuals, a 12-step program to rid them of their need for...affection? Intimacy? The Catholic Church's Courage Program is NOT about tolerance at all. This is about ‘curing’ gays and lesbians. I am surprised Michelle Bachmann’s face isn’t all over the fecking website, being the posterbitch for the Intolerant Movement.

Catholic Church Courage: Their site claims to promote tolerance ‘By developing an interior life of chastity, which is the universal call to all Christians, one can move beyond the confines of the homosexual identity to a more complete one in Christ.’ Universal to all Christians? What the fuck is that!! An interior life of chastity? Shall I start the fucking list of oh so chaste fucking catholic priests and bishops, and that doesn't have anything to do with their god damned internal life? They were right out there, for the world to see, getting away with rape, sodomy, sexual abuse, manipulation, corruption, abuse... while the Church withheld the evidence and obstructed justice. Where the hell do they get off (okay, considering who I am talking about, ‘get off’ is probably not the greatest choice of words) telling ANYONE else what to do when they sure as hell don’t adhere to those principles, or apparently any principles, at all?

So, apparently they are saying that 'it’s okay for you to be gay, we as a church embrace that, as long as you come to us to be cured, and as long as you don’t call it marriage'. According to Deacon Robert Pallotti, the directorate of the Office of the Diaconate in Connecticut, New Hampshire, “These are people in the Roman Catholic Church who need our care and love. In some cases, they have been rejected by society. They need to be accepted, affirmed and supported as Roman Catholics trying to remain faithful to church teachings.”

They have been ‘accepted, affirmed and supported’. How the hell is it possible that a lightning bolt did not take this asshole out the minute he started to speak?
He goes on to say “Through support and spiritual intervention, we can help those with same-sex attractions live moral and fulfilling lives. These people are hurting and so are their families. Doing nothing would be a lack of compassion.”

These people are hurting,because they are being forced to live a lie, because they are made to feel ashamed of who they are, because of dickhead narrow-minded intolerant pieces of shit, like Pallotti and the rest of his Courage friends, who can’t even say love or marriage or relationships. All this ‘same sex attractions’ is just another way of them denying that a person who is gay is allowed to have feelings or is allowed to love. All of this 'Courage' bullshit being spewed from catholic mouths is akin to the futuristic horror movie The Rick Santorum Solution, undoubtedly a low budget film that will star Rick in the leading role, backed with a wonderful array of fucking junkyard dogs.

In the past week, we have been subjected to reports of catholic bishops admitting to fathering families, allowing the mother to raise the children alone. We have had priests in court because of their procurement and possession of child pornography (yes, it was in Canada, so yes, the fucking sick bastard was sentenced yesterday to time already served). Yes, this one is STILL a priest. Apparently this sort of thing is NOT reason for them to get the boot. Counseling a woman to follow her doctor’s advice if he advises a hysterectomy, however, is. Excuse me if I don’t bow down to the amazing brilliance and erudite guidance offered by the Catholic Church. Until they clean up their own fucking mess, in every sense of the term, they have absolutely no business telling anyone else what to do. As for them expounding the merits of tolerance and acceptance? Yeah, go check out their ‘Courage’ site; you’ll soon learn that those words are not even a possibility in this organization.