DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 27th, 2010

DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 27th, 2010

DATELINE: ADDING CRAP TO THE TAILINGS POND – It was announced this morning that The Gap, Walgreens, Levi Strauss and Timberland have decided to support a boycott of Canada’s ‘Dirty Oil’. This has been a debate I have been loath to wade into, because the tailing ponds and environmental issues involved with mining annoy me because of the fact that so much of the money that could be spent on improvements go into the pockets of those who really do not fucking need it. That fact notwithstanding though, I need to heat my house, i need to drive my car, and yes, i believe there is a responsibility on my shoulders to be responsible in what I purchase. So... yes, you hypocritical fucks, boycott Canadian oil. I would love to know what bullshit labels you are reading that specify the oil you are purchasing comes from our ‘dirty oil sands’, because the oil goes down there in one giant pipeline, all mixed up together, so how the fuck do you know. And what the hell are you hanging your clothes on, Mr. Strauss? And Walgreens... what are you going to put your damned pills in if you can’t use plastic bottles? Do you check to see where the oil used in all manufacturing is coming from? Mining, ALL mining, involves tailing ponds, so don’t pontificate on the fact that your tailing ponds are cleaner than ours. They all contain the same toxic cocktail of arsenic, barite, calcite, sulfur, cadmium, flourite, mercury and radioactive materials. Are you boycotting all the smelters down there? When you use all the electricity to run your plants and your stores, where the hell do you think THAT comes from? What the hell powers the turbines on your hydro dams (oh, wait... a lot of that electricity comes from this side of the line as well, and we use ‘dirty oil’ to run those turbines, so perhaps you should refuse our electricity as well.

But here is what pisses me off the absolute most. In your hyperactive knee-jerk desire to get on the hip bandwagon, have you fucking looked at your alternatives for oil? Other than Canada, from whom the US imports just shy of two-million barrels a day of crude and two-and-a-half million barrels a day of petroleum, the rest of the top four are Mexico, Venezuela, and Saudi Arabia. So, instead of wanting our oil that is mined in a unique way because of the matrix surrounding the deposits, albeit a way that is used in pretty much every fucking mining operation in the world, you are going to instead support incredibly violent drug cartels and despot governments, places where human rights are a totally non-existent entity. Yes, that is one hell of a plan. Do I think the oil sands could do better? Absofuckinglutely. But I also believe that for any of these companies to tout some propoganda-laden hypocritical bullshit action that targets ONE out of literally thousands, is fucking asinine. So, if you don’t like our fucking oil, I would fully support our government taking a stand as well, and saying ‘fine. Have fun crawling in bed with your fucking terrorist-supporting Saudi bedmates, and with the likes of Hugo Chavez while YOUR oil companies do absolutely sweet fuck all to promote more green fuels and energy systems, and while you drive your fucking Hummers down billions of miles made with roads paved with oil. But please stop using us as a means of pretending to take the fucking ethical high road.


DATELINE: SPEAKING OF WHICH... -- L.P. Ariyawathie is a 49-year-old woman, a mother who lived in desperate poverty in Sri Lanka, who, through an employment agency, was sent to work as a maid in Saudi Arabia. She left her home in March this year. She left with the plan to work hard and eventually come home with enough money to provide a home for her family... that was all she wanted, and she wanted to work to get it herself. Instead, she came home with 23 nails that had been driven into her hands, arms, legs and head. She made the very grave mistake of commenting about being overworked in the Riyadh home that employed her. As a result, she was pinned to the ground by her empoloyer’s wife, while he heated up nails and drove them into her body. Lemme think... is it beyond the realm of possiblity that they were a tad abusive of their hired help? What the hell is it with these fucking assholes? Where does anyone get off thinking they have the right to do that, to torture someone for making a comment? If Ariyawathie had stood there calling them every fucking name in the book and bitching day and night about how she was overworked, it would still not be reason for them to do what they did. If they were not happy with the work she did, they should have arranged with the employment agency to have her replaced. The Ski Lankan Bureau of Foreign Employment will be helping Ariyawathie in taking legal action against her employers. To be honest, at this point in time I would suggest that the husband and wife spend the rest of their pathetic fucking lives cleaning toilets and mopping floors for about 20 hours a day. This crap makes me want to fucking puke.

DATELINE: IN A MASS GRAVE IN MEXICO – Among the seventy-two bodies found in a mass grave just across the border in Mexico, were those of people who were simply looking for a chance to live their fucking lives. They were not all looking for handouts, they were just looking to live their lives without having to worry every fucking minute of the day about being killed, tortured, trafficked, or terrorized by drug cartels who have managed to keep too many people living in destitute conditions. These people were murdered for being in the wrong place, for not giving in to extortion, for having families that did give in to extortion only to have their loved ones killed anyways, and this find is believed to be the tip of the iceberg. The issue of illegal drugs is something that requires consistent global action. They were just people looking for a life that allowed them to live. It happens in too many fucking countries.

DATELINE: WHERE HELL IS NOT ENOUGH, SO ENTER THE TALIBAN – The people of Pakistan have been through absolute hell. They have been forced to flee, many of them repeatedly, because of floods, rising rivers, broken levees, disease and now... the taliban. In an attempt to give some perspective, especially while we revisit the Hurricane Katrina events of five years ago, perhaps we can look at the events this way. I understand the timelines are different, that Katrina was a disaster that happened in short order while the Pakistan flooding has happened at a slower pace, but perhaps this will work. Imagine that New Orleans was one hundred times larger, affecting millions more people, with water that literally chased them hundreds of miles as they carried all their belongings on their backs and tried to help their family stay together. Imagine that aide was slow in coming (yeah, like THAT is a challenge, considering that the people whose lives were all but destroyed by Katrina are STILL, five years later, suffering). Now imagine that once aide started to arrive, the Ku Klux Klan arrived en force to threaten those offering help, terrorizing even more the people who are suffering, who have lost everything and are already in a living hell. The people of Pakistan are people; they are not terrorists. Are there some radicals among them? Of course, but 99% of the people fleeing the water and praying for their lives are just people who, like the rest of us in times of national crisis, are at the mercy of the governments we put in place.

DATELINE: TUCKED SAFELY IN A NICE WARM BED – All things are relative. For one man in Vancouver, a nice warm bed was a garbage dumpster. He was sleeping in one when the garbage truck came along, picked up the bin and dumped it into the back of his truck. He then proceeded to compress the garbage to make room for more, oblivious to the screams. The man lived, but is in hospital with extensive injuries and fractured bones. While a very sad story, even sadder still is that there are many in this country who will argue that a dumpster is a safe place to sleep, that it provides warmth, privacy and protection from both the elements and personal violence they would encounter sleeping in a doorway or on a park bench. As politicians, bankers, oil executives and celebrities rake in the millions of dollars they feel are more than justified for their incredibly valuable contribution to the way of life of the people of the world, they tend to actually overlook the way of life of the people of the world. People should not be sleeping in dumpsters. Babies should not be dying daily with bloatted bellies and empty stomachs. Cholera should NOT be epidemic in Nigeria where there is enough resource money to at least provide clean drinking water for the poor. As a global society, our priorities seem to suck some days.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 26th, 2010

DATELINE: JUMPING INTO A BOWL OF TROJAN SOUP – When it comes to poetic irony, you can’t really beat this one. Easter 2009, Zdenek Philip Hodousek dipped into a bowl of French Onion Soup while dining with his family. He thought he was biting into some melted cheese on top of the soup. Instead, he had sunk his chompers into a condom. Nothing says family brunch like a floating prophylactic. Here’s the funny part... the name of the restaurant that served the tantalizing dish was Claim Jumpers. Think about that for a moment, and if you have a sick enough mind, you will smile. While the restaurant denies there was any foreign object in the dish, and that no one was being jumped on the prep table in the kitchen, yesterday they did agree to make an undisclosed settlement to the claim.

DATELINE: SIPPING TEA IN BP HELL – Well, I am anyways, watching and reading. In coverage of the latest inquiry into the Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill, yesterday it was released that the well casing was not properly structured, a point that Halliburton reps say they pointed out to their BP counterparts (they shared the same fucking office, for the love of God) but apparently without being overly emphatic about the engineers concerns. Now it is TransOcean’s turn to point a finger, stating that the blow-out preventor, the one thing that was being depended on to prevent any disasters for this well, had not been recertified when it was supposed to have been. To recertify it, making sure it is working properly and in good condition, would have required the well to be shut down for the process. However, one employee states that it was working properly because he was in charge of maintenance, and he knew it was working. I can save you all a whole lot of fucking time though... the three companies, Halliburton, TransOcean and BP were focused on one thing and one thing only, and it was not the welfare of the ocean, the people who live on the ocean or the people working on the damned rig. Their only concern was the bottom line. That’s why Halliburton pointed out deficiencies, but not really, and why TransOcean made sure the equipment was all working, but not really, and BP made sure they were compliant with all regulations and guidelines issued by the federal government, but not really, especially when it was just a whole lot easier and cheaper to pay off/bribe people in the MMS. Now they will all sit and point fingers, but in the end the cause of the entire incident will come down plain, simple, self-serving greed.

DATELINE: CELEBRATING A NEW LABOR MOVEMENT – This family is either incredibly close or they should be buying up lottery tickets because they do like to challenge odds. On Friday, Saby Pazos and her sister Leslie Pazos both gave birth to their babies, one boy, one girl, at the Westlake Hospital in Melrose Park, Illinois. The following day, a third sister, Lilian, gave birth to a baby girl at the same damned hospital. Three babies in two days in one family in one hospital? Astounding, you say? But wait! On Monday, a fourth sister, Heidi, gave birth to a baby boy in California. In case you are running out of toes to count on, that would be four babies born in four days. Hello, hormones! Welcome to little Abel, Ashley, Emily and Jonathan.

DATELINE: PIMPING BABIES ON CRAIGSLIST – Despite their claims of having all ads reviewed by their attornies to ensure there is no pornographic material being pimped on their sales sites, it seems that ‘the trade’ is alive and well and raking in the ‘craigsbucks’. Enter the attorneys general of 17 states, furious over the still rampant ads peddling women for sick bastardos unable to get a date or tired of the one they have. Despite their claims, some of these ads most certainly involve children, most of them cater to sexual predators, many of them are incredibly degrading to women. Yes, I know there are some women who chose this lifestyle... but there are a hundredfold more of them that do not, but have no way to escape it. And as for th children? No, there is absolutely no fucking excuse for anyone to do anything to a child. No matter how you argue that one, it is just plain wrong and sick. Despite the legal pleas from the collective Attorneys General, though, they have no authority to do bugger all... the onus is totally on Craigslist, and as this issue has been going on for years now, and has been raking in the money for them, it is highly unlikely they really give a flying fuck about any moral, social or ethical responsibility. While I embrace the principle of free enterprise, I have to say that the accompanying disregard for anything but the amount of money to be gained is disgusting at best.

DATELINE: WHERE THE BIG BOYS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN SCHOOLYARD BULLIES -- For the ninth fucking time, a girls’ school in Afghanistan was attacked with poison gas, sending 59 high school students and 14 teachers to the hospital. From 1996-2001, under the rule of those fucking sweeties, the Taliban, girls were not to attend school at all. Today approximately two-million girls attend school, but do so in fear for their lives. What a sad fucking state of affairs. The big bad Taliban only has the fucking gonads to bully little girls. The truth of the matter is that they are afraid of women, realize that women can be smart, arguably smarter and braver than any fucking lowlife who blows poison into their lungs while they are learning. Stonings, scourging, poisoning of women... the Taliban—nothing more than a bunch of lowlife feckless fucking thugs.

DATELINE: ROLLING A CUBAN – Raul Castro, new Cuban Kingpin, has decided to stop the subsidy of cigarettes for men over 55. It would be totally fucking awesome to think he did this in an attempt to help improve health and to stop the devastating effects of smoking, but instead he did it to help increase the government bank account. Sadly for some people, this will present an unbearable burden, because they require the subsidized smokes so they can in turn sell them and have money to buy food for their table. Welcome to the communist way of life. The monthly pension for the average person in Cuba is a whole $10.40. With cuts to cigarettes as well as to coupons for other food items and necessities, the gap between the few rich and the growing number of poor widens. Its a great page to take from Chavez’s book.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF DESPOTS AND ASSHOLES – Kin Jong Il is in China today. While no one has yet been able to determine the purpose for his visit there, you have to know this is not a good thing. If good old Mahmoud Ahmedinejad happens to stop by to join them for a cup of chinese tea, it could well be time to start building that fucking bunker in the back yard. Climate change – it could refer to political cold wars as well, and it would seem the climate’s a-changing.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 25th, 2010

DATELINE: AT A HOME WHERE THE BUFFALO ROAM... RIGHT OVER TOP THE FAIRWAY – At great risk of causing great distress for my buddies who golf, yesterday a herd of buffalo ran through the Camrose Alberta golf course. Several players tried to pursue the critters with golf carts, but could not keep up with panicked bison. They were eventually rounded up in a holding pen. Unfortunately the damned pen was made of barbed wire. The old buffalo/barbed wire combo is sort of like the broom/spiderweb thing... of course the fucking herd ran in one end of their corral and right out through the other end, totally ignoring barbed wire (as buffalo are wont to do). There have been reports this morning of splinter groups wandering throughout the prairie city... three of them downtown are hanging out around the courthouse, a couple more were jogging down the biathlon path... so now is the perfect fucking opportunity. Get yer damned rollerskates on and see if it is possible in a buffalo herd.

DATELINE: CHEWING UP AND SPITTING OUT THE BIG APPLE – Once again the issue of constructions around Ground Zero has become an issue; a proposed 67-storey high rise is raising blood pressures in Manhattan as well. This time the problem is that the new building would rob the Empire State Building of its view, and that annoys ESB co-owner Anthony Malkin. Well, perhaps it is time for Anthony Malkin to pull on some big-boy pants and suck it up. The Twin Towers were one hell of a lot taller than the proposed new building, and no one complained about that. The simple fact of the matter is that in the downtown core of cities, because land is at a premium, construction has to go up, and no ‘view’ can be owned. Perhaps the new building will offer some perspective on the horizon, or will be a stunning architectural structure. Malkin needs to understand that while he might own the bricks and mortar of his building, he does not own the air two fucking blocks away. For a society that straps its constitutional rights to their hearts with fucking bands of iron, it is incredibly convenient how those constitutional rights only apply to themselves, and screw the other guy. You cannot embrace one aspect of those guaranteed rights and toss the others today just because you don’t like them. Of course, this report seems to always be reported with the comparison to the issues regarding the proposed mosque. According to the very first amentment to the constitution, freedom of religion is a guaranteed right. Is the proposal insensitive? Absolutely, but to deny the right for them to build a mosque on a piece of property legally purchased, to deny them the mosque now is to only provide one shitload of ammunition to terrorists. These are buildings, people... nothing more. Get over it.

DATELINE: GETTING GROPED IN THE SECURITY LINE – US Airport security has gotten grabby again. They have implemented a new ‘front of the hand slide down technique’ of searching passengers. This includes grabbing and searching of boobs, balls and anything else that strikes their fancy. Yes, they warn you that they are going to be a bit ‘invasive’ but seriously, there are some limits. They have x-ray machines, sniffer dogs, metal detectors... and STILL you have to submit to being groped? So what the hell will they do when I go through? I have more fucking nooks and crannies, wrinkles and folds... everyone else in the fucking line is going to miss their plane while they pat me down. So, since going naked might not be an option yet, I propose that for anyone who is going through this, make it more enjoyable. Do a Meg Ryan. As they are groping, groan, purr, scream Oh Yes! Oh My God! Yessssssssssssss!! Don’t Stop! Harder! Harder! Give people a reason to smile and the hopes of something pleasurable – the Airport Orgasm.

DATELINE: DOING DOGA – Yup, it’s the latest trend in all the classiest of fucking places. Of course, this is something that started in New York so it has to be fucking cool, right? It is yoga with your dog. You draw from their energy as you hold them and you in your yoga pose. I tried to take Adolf to a doga lesson. I was sure it would be fucking perfect for us. I did that thing where you have to kneel on the ground and stretch your arms out on the floor in front of you and stick your ass in the air, and you have your doggy underneath you when we do this, helping them to hold the same fucking pose. When I finally got my ass in the air and my arms on the ground, I couldn’t find fucking Adolf anywhere. When I got up to look for him, he was lying lifeless on the ground in the same area where my boobs had been resting. I thought he was fucking dead, but the little shit screamed when I went to pick him up and ran the hell away. When he sees the fucking yoga mat now, he runs and hides behind the toilet. So much for fucking doga.

DATELINE: PUTTING THE CAT IN THE CAN – You want to know how to get an entire country to hate you? Get caught on video dropping someone’s cat into a garbage can. That’s what happened to Lola, the little grey kitty. She stopped to get a little scratch from what is truly a vial fucking woman, and found herself scooped up and dropped into the trash can, the lid slammed down, and the woman taking off down the street. Lola was discovered fourteen hours later. The problem for this asshat woman, Mary, who worked at the bank, is that the whole incident was caught on video. Now Mary is getting police protection because of the gathering of people outside her home, and the death threats she has been receiving. I tried to feel sorry for her, but the woman is a stupid cruel bitch and so nope, I just can’t find the pity. I am pissed though, that no charges will be laid against the woman.

DATELINE: EXPLAINING LINDSAY – Yes, that would be Lohan. I will forgo my carved in fucking stone rule about not giving any words to these prima dona over-privileged bitches, but today... This weekend, Lindsay’s headline whoring daddy Michael, was also at it again, this time extolling praise for none other than that paragon of fucking virture Mel Gibson. The elder Lohan referred to the ‘apparently doctored tapes’ of Gibson being his usual asshole self. I guess who would know better about incriminating tapes than Michael Lohan... he tried to secretly release what he hoped was incriminating recordings of his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend, and even his own daughter, so I guess he would be the resident expert when it comes to tape recordings. The reason for his defence of the unmitigated asshole? “All I know is Mel went on the line for Jesus Christ, built a church for God and has helped many.” Give me a fucking break... Yeah, that seems to be about the ONLY thing you know. I guess the Lohan apple of stupidity did not fall far from the fucking tree.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 24th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 24th, 2010

DATELINE: DOWN THE CRAPPER -- J.D. Salinger’s toilet is up for sale. Yes the catcher in the rye’s catcher of the crap – how can anyone resist such a fucking bargain? It is listed as being ‘uncleaned and in its originial condition’. Holy fucking crap! Can you believe it?? A literary loo! A tale-teller’s toidy! A journalistic john! Okay... that one is maybe a bit much, but seriously, what the fuck? One million dollars for a crapper? I hate to break it to you, ebay fanatics, but probably he crapped just the same way the rest of us do. Considering the man was totally fed up with society and spent his final years as a recluse, I would think the irony of this whole idiot plan, and the fact that someone is making a cool million on his $49 shitter (accompanying shit at no extra charge) would only confirm his disgust for where the hell we are going as a world.

DATELINE: ON THE ROAD TO HELL – Actually for the people stuck on the fucking Beijing-Tibet Highway, it probably seems like they are already there... hell, that is. There has been the mother of all traffic jams; nine fucking days stuck on the highway, no cars moving, because of road repairs. 62 miles of crawling at a snail’s pace, for days at a fucking time, is one hell of a price to pay just to get to a fucking McDonald’s Drive-Thru. Of course, the people trapped on the road have been taken to the cleaner, trying to get food and water, and paying unbelievable prices for the little they can get, but what the hell? If there is a dime to be made, throw morals and human consideration to the fucking shoulder and charge on. The one thing that this has resulted in is that I will no longer be flipping the bird when I have to slow down for the old lady crossing the street and delaying me by a minute or two.

DATELINE: IN THE LINE OF FIRE – Good old Hugo Chavez has a new claim to fame. He is now the president of the country with the highest homicide rate in the world. Venezuela passes Mexico, in fact leaves Mexico choking in the dust as it screamed past for the dubious honors – Iraq and Iran as well. In 2009, 16,000 Venezuelans were murdered. In fact, since Hugo took office, there have been over 116,000 murders, a number that has shot (pun intended... sorry) up almost instantly thanks to his wonderful fucking leadership. Some claim the ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor is partially to blame. Some say it’s the 30%... yes that is 30% annual inflation the country has enjoyed under Chavez. It could also be the crappy police salaries that have caused some cops to turn to kidnapping and crime in order to put food on their tables, or it could be the ‘politicizing’ of the judicial system, where a judge’s time on the bench is directly proportional to the amount of Chavez ass-kissing he is prepared to do. The government takes the position that some of those, especially the little ones who end up in small white coffins in front of church altars, are simply unfortunate to have been caught in the line of fire, or by stray bullets. It’s all bullshit and nothing more! No matter how you cut it though, this shit starts right at the very top, and is not about to change until Chavez is gone... there’s some fucking dreaming. Chavez – giving a face to political corruption every day and every fucking way.

DATELINE: CELEBRATING A MIRACLE – 33 men, 17 days, 1 mine shaft -- yes, its a miracle. To find all the men alive after the collapse of the Chilean mine over two weeks ago was incredible, but the story is far from over for them; now there is the rescue, and that also will require another miracle or two. It is expected that it will take up to four months to get those 33 men out of the mine, as they did a new access 700m through the hard rock. The miners below ground have not been given a timetable – for now they are concerned about getting water, food, medical supplies, lights, books and some sort of communication with their loved ones above ground. In the meantime, it will be necessary to keep the men busy, active, alert, and calm... for four months? That is not a small task, especially in such a confined place. As they go through the next one hundred days, they are going to ask questions, they are going to get pissy with each other – how can it be helped as they have a life so close at hand, yet essentially a million miles away – and they also have the potential to get ill down there. Officials with the mine are making lists of what is allowed to be sent down the access hole, and what is not. Music, journals, and communication devices are good, games of any kind are not because they could create a sense of competition or heirarchy... let the erudite management mindgames begin. I cannot even begin to fathom what it would like to have a loved one down there, so close and so far, being totally unable to help in any way in what they will endure in the next couple months. I know it would be a challenge for me if I had to listen to the guy beside me playing his fucking hip hop rap crap day and night for 100 days... heads would roll. Let’s hope for another miracle, that all 33 will walk out of that damned shaft for Christmas with their families.

DATELINE: IN A PLACE WHERE NOTHING THESE ASSHOLES DO SHOULD SURPRISE US – The year was 1972, the place: Claudy, North Ireland. On July 31st, 1972, three bombs exploded, killing nine people. The first person to perish in the explosions was a Kathryn Eakin, an eight-year-old girl who had the misfortune of washing the window of her family’s grocery store when the bomb went off. Why do we give a shit about this right now? It was a terrible time in North Ireland. The difference though is that it has now been revealed that the main (virtually the only) suspect for the bombings was James Chesney, a Roman Catholic Priest who, once he and his supervisor Cardinal Conway were interviewed, happened to get an instant transfer to a new parish, one in Donegal, right on the other side of the border in the Irish Republic. This week, Irish officials have issued their report revealing their beliefs that Chesney was an IRA leader and was directly involved in the bombings... bombings that at the time were denounced even by Sinn Fein, bombings that took the lives of nine people, both Catholic and Protestant. Within the report is evidence of how investigators were impeded by the church, the government and even by the police force, all of whom claim that with the climate of the times, it could have been a disaster for a catholic priest to be looked at as a bomber, and that social unrest might occur. Might occur? Give me a fucking break... this man was a priest! He was a priest that was suspected of murdering at least nine people on one fucking day -- blowing them to hell. He denied his involvement when he talked to his cardinal. Well, pfffft... I am soooo fucking sorry. If he denied it, then he MUST have been innocent. Perhaps if he had been allowed to stay in the fucking country to face the investigation, there might have been some answers. Perhaps a real killer could have been identified, whether it was the priest or not, but by running and hiding across the border, close enough to still carry on with an IRA agenda, there can never be justice. Once again, the Catholic Church stands up as a paragon of fucking virtue, the ‘do as i command, not as i do’ leader of the world.

AUGUST 22nd, 2010 -- The Sunday Sermon with the Rever-End Dillinger Flaikwaiter.

SUNDAY SERMON WITH REVER-END DILLINGER FLAIKWAITER

Children, I have a story for you today as we travel through this life together. It’s a story that starts as I set off once again. I suppose that friendship long or short is not to be measured in human considerations of time. The town I was leaving was as it should be, a dwindling merage in my rear view mirror. Driving is a fine time. Alone I dreamed of lives lost. A sad state of affairs most of you will be thinking. In most cases I guess that might be a fair statement. Me? I knew I was in search, a mode that most today, well the young ones might not understand but the aged ones for the most part will. I considered lives lost. Not sadly but in a pleasantly weary art which was much better than I had done and for quite some time.

God sat beside me. He wondered at passing fancies, trees, shadows, bumps along the way. He considered all that He had made to be fine and dandy which was, after all, His right. Myself, on the other hand, after much listening to Him found myself hating less and less, understanding that if as Tthe Book said He gave us free will, then indeed He had managed to create a most imperfect likeness of himself. I asked Him why He had created that tree; you know, the one with the knowledge of good and evil. I mean, if He created it He must have wanted us to eat from it. Seems logical to this old soldier. Why, Lord, did you give us this great skull full of thought muscle if you did not want us to use it? If you wanted us simply to be robotic idiotic images of yourself, I mean, it does make me wonder if you created us simply for some perverse pleasure. You know, staring at two beautiful, naked duplicates of yourself, skin as porcelain, as yourself, tall and more than beautiful. I mean Lord it is after all a reasonable thought, don't you think?

"Dillinger, those are great damned trees I created." That was His answer to me. Damned trees! I admit to liking the occasional set of trees along a winding boulevard, the shade, the fruits of which, all that good stuff we enjoy. I admit to that, but I had asked Him what I thought were straight and fine questions --for me, for His likeness.

Then He said something that made me shut the hell up. "Use your damned brain, Dillinger, and drive the damned truck. Where the hell are we going, son?"

"See, Lord? there you have it. You called me son. I am your son as all of us are – well, daughters as well, because you made the ladies to keep us company.” That confirmation did make me feel swell so I turned to the path the van was on and thought to myself ‘Damn Lord, you did create some mighty fine trees, Pop!’

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: STRIPPING AND STRUTTING FOR KENNEDY -- There are some things I will never fucking understand... like in April when Erykah Badu, the grammy-winning soul singer, stripped, dropped and rolled in the middle of Dealey Plaza. She did it to re-enact the moment of the assassination of John F Kenney for the end of a music video. She did it in an area open to the public, with families and children watching as they passed by. Now, I get artistic fucking licence, but what the fuck is she on? Stripping, singing, dancing, dropping to the ground... what she did was described as a ‘walking striptease’; I don’t seem to recall any of that shit happening in Dallas’ Dealey Plaze in 1963. I guess, though, nothing says Kennedy like a fucking strip act on what some might consider hallowed ground. She has now been found guilty of disorderly conduct, was fined $500 and was sentenced to six month’s probation. Now, true artistry would be Bambi doing that. It would be something none of those kids would ever fucking forget.

DATELINE: TWITS FOR TWATS – You will need to fucking sit down for this one, because if this isn’t the greatest fucking news ev-er, I don’t know what the hell is. Lady Gaga is about to pass Brittney Spears! Yes, she will soon have more twitter followers than anyone else in the whole fucking planet!!! Squeeeee!! People... get a fucking life! There is shit happening out there that needs to be dealt with and airhead tweets from airhead twits really moves us no closer to world peace, an end to starvation or abso-fucking-lutely closer to anything of any god damned value or consequence.

DATELINE: SKYROCKETING TO REALITY SHOW FAME – Well, okay, Reality Show Fame is a reach, I know, but you get what the hell I mean. Steven Slater, the slide jumping, beer snatching increased-cabin-pressure Sky Blue flight attendant who popped an artery last week has reported landed a fucking reality TV show gig. He will be helping people quit their jobs. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do for him. We want to watch all these people tell off their bosses, thumb their noses and slide down a fucking emergency chute. I have to wonder who the fuck is going to help all these people who Slater helps quit get a new fucking job, or will they all end up filling the flatscreen? What the fuck happened to us as a society that we will make no-talent dumbass fucking television programs out of anything? I realize it saves the networks on having to pay real people to do real fucking things with some modicum of real talent, but seriously, what the hell is wrong with the rest of us that tune this crap in?

DATELINE: DANCING ON DANNY WEBSTER’S GRAVE AND WATCHING HIM ROLL – It is a great fucking day when new words are added to the dictionary! We should all celebrate new words... erudite additions to the daily lexicon of society, and shit like that. So, without any ado, I give you some of the 2000 new words added to the Oxford Dictionary (yes, I know its Oxford and not fucking Webster, but Webster worked better for the dateline, so get over it, alright). *Insert Drum Roll Here* I give you... Vuvuzela, thanks to a fucking soccer tournament; Overleveraged, courtesy of the wonderful people of Wall Street; bargainous, which I am sure has to fucking appear in at least one George W Bush speech; Defriend, that sweet term created by Facebook for us to annihilate those who piss us off (I fucking LOVE this key and wish we could have one in real life too); Tweetup, which thanks to Twitter no longer means giving it to an annoying fucking yellow bird; Bromance, for those really really really close but still manly men; Buzzkill, Cheeseball, Chillax, Frenemy, and to explain those celebrity moments of incredibly bad judgment, we now have Wardrobe malfunction. Now I know we can all fucking rest easier because these are ‘real’ words.

DATELINE: BITCH-SLAPPING BITCHES – Dr. Laura Schlessinger quit her show. Thank God! It was about fucking time because while there were tidbits of vague common sense in what she said, for the most part it was a load of crap, and her tirade last week is just more proof of that fucking pudding. Watching her on interviews, I have to say that while she was incredibly unbelievably superior and condescending to the woman who called in to her show, she has been that way with absolutely every fucking person who has interviewed her for the media. If the bitch goes on once more about being interrupted when she is talking bullshit drivel, I am gonna reach through the screen and slap her. Seriously, how the hell fucking important does this bitch think she is. So... to my fucking delight... enter Sarah Palin, with the advise to Dr. Laura to ‘Don’t Retreat – Reload!’ Yes, lets pick the momsy cutesly little sound bite because why not defend TWO amendment rights in three words... of course, when it comes to the one about freedom of religion, well.... pfffft. Who gives a rat’s fucking ass about that one! The fact that Schlessinger bitch-slapped Palin two years ago when she was announced as the McCain’s running mate only adds to the irony of the whole damned thing. Sarah, hon, go pour yourself a cup of tea... Dr. Laura has done more than enough damage to her reputation. She probably doesn’t need you to add to her troubles.

DATELINE: OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND, BUT WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW? -- Mel Gibson argued in court that he cannot get by without his $7.2million ‘slush fund’ that he created to support his lifestyle. This is part of his argument regarding how much money the mother of his latest baby might be entitled to in her divorce from this colossal prick. $7.2M in a fucking slush fund? Perhaps if he gave it to Oksana, it would save him years of run-ins with the law. LMFAO! Yeah, right, like that would be a reality check for Gibson. It was reported he spends an average $600,000 a month on his ‘necessities’ and is wanting to limit the amount he pays to his ex-lover and 8-month-old baby to $6000/month. Well, hell, why go fucking crazy? We know that he will do absolutely anything to keep Grigorieva, that money-grubbing user, from ‘just fucking sucking him dry (sic)’. Seems he wasn’t complaining much about her doing that before they broke up. Come on, Mel baby, is it really so much to ask to give her at least enough money to be able to afford body guards to keep you away? She will undoubtedly need them.

DAILY NEWS - AUGUST 19th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 19th, 2010

DATELINE: ON HIS THRONE, PICKING HIS TEETH WITH THE BONES OF HIS DISSENTERS - Hail, mighty Stephen! Yes, Comrade Harper, the master of puppeteers, rides again, kicking another dissenting ass. How dare anyone disagree with him? He is our leader, our ruler... the almighty one. This time, he is again mucking his fucking fingers in the RCMP. Of course, we are expected to believe he had nothing to do with the removal of the director of the Canadian Firearms Program, Chief Superintendant Marty Cheliak. We are expected to believe it is just coincidental that the man who has been one of the strongest proponents of the long-gun registry in Canada got the boot right before he was to present a major report to the Canadian Association of Police Chiefs where he was also to be receiving an award for his work. We are supposed to believe it is a coincidence that Cheliak will be gone before he can be called on to provide information during an upcoming political debate regarding the long gun registry, the bill being presented by Harper’s henchmen and holding a position opposite to that of Cheliak’s. We are supposed to believe it is just one of those ‘well, damn, what are the chances of that’ moments that the person who made the decision, Superintendance William Elliott, was a civilian appointed to his position by Harper, who is now currently under fire from this inside his own force and from other forces they work with, and who has to kiss Comrade Harper’s ass if he doesn’t want to be unemployed. No, Harper did not fire Cheliak, but he sure as hell made sure someone did. And the stupid fucking excuse made up for his firing? He is not biulingual, and his position requires him to be. When he was promoted to Chief Superintendant, though, he was not bilingual and when he was appointed to the firearms portfolio, they knew he was not bilingual, so what the fuck is the deal all of a sudden? Oh yeah... the vote coming up. My feelings about the gun registry notwithstanding, this whole incident has NOTHING to do with guns and everything to do with a Prime Minister who meddles influences, threatens, manipulates and lies through his fucking teeth just so he can stay nice and smug in the big seat, where he can control the strings while keeping his hands clean... or at least where he thinks he can keep his hands clean, because he assumes he runs a country full of fucking idiots. It would be nice if enough of us, the fucking idiots, would wake up and get his ass the hell out of Ottawa.

DATELINE: POP-POP-POPPING ALONG WHILE FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES – They were on a flight from Dallas to Seattle when a woman who cannot be named, ‘popped’ her 13-month-old baby in the face for crying because "when she's screaming and she can't hear me say no, that's the only way I can get her to stop." The flight attendat aboard the Southwest Airlines flight, Beverly McCurley, stepped in, and rightly so. She took the baby from the mother, and carried her to the back of the plane. The father came back as well, holding the baby and rocking her until she fell asleep, stating that he had argued with his wife about hitting the child and about screaming at the little one. The little girl already had a black eye which, according to the mother was the result of an earlier dog bite, which could be the case, but maybe not. In light of the fact that the father acknowledged his wife will ‘pop’ their daughter on occasion to stop her from fussing. ‘Pop’ her? Give me a fucking break! Hitting a child is hitting a child, no matter what cutesy little name you give it. The child was 13 months old! I would suggest that the issue requires a bit more looking into for the sake of the child. I would also suggest that the Ms. McCurley should be applauded for being one of the few who will stand up for the protection and needs of a child.

DATELINE: NEVERNEVERLAND-WHERE BOYS CAN BE BOYS AND ARE NEVER ACCOUNTABLE -- In jolly old England an eight-year-old girl was reportedly raped by two ten-year-old boys. They took her scooter from her, told her that she would not get it back unless she cooperated with her. They took her into a building stairwell, then into an elevator, finally ending up out in a field. The girl complained to her mother about stomach aches later that day, told her mother, and the police were notified. The two boys were subsequently charged with raping her, and she was forced to testify in court about what happened. I will not get into a rage right now about how many fucking times a woman is forced to ‘relive’ these horrendous crimes for the sake of justice; suffice to say that yes, it totally fucking pisses me off, and when a woman makes a false claim, she does damage a million-fold to all legitimate victims, and there are far too many of them. The boys’ defence was that they were playing a game, that they didn’t know what they were doing and so they got off with a slap on the wrist. What has me totally fucking furious though, is that now all the psychobabbling brainiacs are coming out of the woodwork, stating that a child of ten cannot be held accountable for his actions. The Hell he can’t! This is what is so totally fucking wrong with our society. Those boys knew what they were doing. They knew enough to threaten, to scare, to manipulate, to blackmail and to rape. Thank God they didn’t go that one step further and take her life! In Canada, we changed the fucking laws to allow 10-year-olds to be untouchable by the law, and 11-year-old as well. Apparently at that age they are legally old enough to be allowed to babysit, but they are not old enough to own their actions. The problems here from drug dealers using these children as mules, using these children to steal cars and rob houses because they have total immunity are huge! Police routinely are picking up the same kids, no matter what offences they commit, and taking them home to dysfunction junction for their indifferent parents to deal with the problem. It doesn’t work, and innocent people pay the price, including in many cases, the children themselves.

DATELINE: THE LAND OF THE FREE – Apparently some people assume that to mean freedom to kill whoever the hell happens to be convenient, or to rob those that you have taken an oath to help? What the fuck is wrong with society. In Summit, New Jersey last month, El Salvadoran immigrant Albelino Mazariego was sitting on a park bench after a day at work, before going home to his wife and family. He was sitting in a fucking park! Three teenagers came up to him, started to beat him and recorded it all on their cell phones so they could share the video with their friends. Yes, nothing says Be My Friend like showing how you can randomly pick an honest hard-working man to beat to death. Yes, sadly, Mr. Mazariego succumbed to his head injuries, the direct result of the attack, but not before his attending nurse, Stephan Randolph, had robbed the man of his earned payroll. Khayri Williams-Clark, 18, Nigel Dumas, 19, and one unnamed 17-year-old have been charged with murder. It is hoped that these three never see the light of day again. Perhaps Nurse Randolph could share a cell with with, offer to be their punching bag for when they feel the next need to lay a beating on someone just sitting on a fucking bench.

DAILY NEWS -- August 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 18th, 2010

DATELINE: IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE – Pat Stogran, the Ombudsman for Canadian Veterans, has been shown the door. Why? Because he is one of the few who dares to not tout the fucking government line. He speaks out about the atrocities faced by the men and women who wear a Canadian uniform and come back home to bureaucratic red tape and fucking bullshit intended to screw them over. I make no secret of my disagreement with the government’s decision to send out troops to war on trumped up crap issued from Bush’s Oval Office, but to send them out and THEN fuck them over when they return is absolutely unforgivable. In the name of penny-pinching in the extreme, instead of pensions, these soldiers are given lump payouts and disability stipends that amount to fuck-all and allow the government to wash its hands of the whole issue. Totally fucking unacceptable, but typical of Comrade Harper and his ‘my way or the highway’ way of running a country. The Ombudsman is there to help the soldiers, to mediate and negotiate between them and the government, specifically to point out areas in which the government is remiss or neglecting its responsibilities. Funny enough, we don’t seem to need an ombudsman to make sure the fucking politicians get their HUGE undeserved pensions and benefits for the rest of their lives. Funny enough, we have enough money to pay senators (who don’t even bother to show up for work for months at a time) their absolutely obscene paycheques and pensions. Stogran will now join a growing list of government-appointed watchdogs who have gotten tossed out of office for doing their jobs. There should be an award for these men, who despite the constant roadblocks, interference and indifference of the government, have tried to do what they were paid to do. Too bad our Members of Parliament don’t have that fucking work ethic.

DATELINE: ON THE RED CARPET, READY TO ACCEPT HER ‘MOTHER OF THE YEAR’ AWARD -- Shaquan Duley is in a South Carolina jail, as she should be. The 29-year-old mother, and I use that term with apologies to the real mothers of the world, took her two little boys to a motel, took her anger out on them by strangling them, then strapped them into her car, pushed the car into the river, and wandered back towards town to report the ‘accident’. She had been arguing with her own mother, whom she shares a residence with, about Shaquan not being a responsible parent and wishing she had no children so she could be free and have fun. Nothing like proving old Ma right. We are not talking about a teen-aged mother here. We are talking about a mature woman who made the decision to have three children, the oldest one a five-year-old girl. She was angry, having the fucking pity party of the decade and blaming her problems on two little boys, one two, the other eighteen-months old. The older one had fucking defensive wounds, showing that he was scared enough to know he had to fight for his life... fight with his own mother – perhaps in this case, ‘fetal incubator’ would be a better term for what she was. Yes, I understand she was having a hard time with finances, that she was a single parent living in a less-than-desirable area, but that was not the fault of her children. It is to be hoped that Shaquan is sentenced to a lifetime behind bars, where she can pity party down to her heart’s content without hurting innocent babies.

DATELINE: IN THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCKING TIME WARPS – Two people were murdered in Kunduz, Afghanistan. They were taken out and stoned to death in front of 150 other people. Their crime? They were in love. She was single and twenty, he was married and twenty-eight. They were guilty of adultry, although I have no doubt the investigation and trial combined lasted less than twenty minutes, and was nothing more than a fucking farce. That said, it should be pointed out that in 22 US States, adultery is a crime. What happened in Afghanistan was an execution, reported to be the first in the area since 2001, carried out by the Taliban and undoubtedly intended to spread the message that they are back in town and meaning business. While the Taliban is wanting a NATO/UN commission to be established to investigate civilian casualties in their country, it seems a tad hypocritical to begin again to carry out such crimes against their own people. When the fuck are these taliban assholes going to get over their insecurities and the need to show they have power, obviously something they do to compensate for their lack of real balls. When will they grow up and grab a damned brain? They are bullies, schoolyard small-penised bullies who like to stone and beat the poor, the weak, their women... well, I guess anyone would do when you are trying to show just how very very tough you are. Taliban terrorism: the new Christian Inquisitors... and really nothing more -- certainly with nothing to do with religion, God or anything holy. I pray for the day when they are replaced by real men. I also pray that Anne Coulter, Sarah Palin, Bill O’Reilly or Dr. Laura don’t hear about this execution, because they just might start demanding similar punishments back in this part of the world.

DATELINE: IN A JUST FUCKING SOCIETY – Just the other day, we were discussing the huge difference that has been made to our lives and our governments by allowing the huge contributions of corporate campaign funding (read that as if it was written in sarcastic font) We discussed how even the best, most just-hearted candidate will not have a hope in hell of winning an election without a multi-million dollar ‘war chest’ to dip into. Just the term ‘war chest’ is a sad commentary on the entire process, that partisan politics has taken what should be a civilized and honorable process and turned it into something heinous, something that demands a thrust of uncontrolled power, something that results in bodies scattered behind and phenominal waste of time, money, effort and lives. Yes, such is politics today, where every candidate is in the pocket of big corporations, banks, lobby groups and now... Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is the owner of the Wall Street Journal, not an insignificant rag in the US. And yes he also owns Fox TV, that paragon of fucking political punditry and perspective which seems to have a gift for daily defining the potential depth and breadth of partisanship in terms often hard to imagine. In a system where it behooves us to have an impartial media that will actually report on the aspects, the platform, the promises of all parties on equal footing, how the fuck can that happen when one of the parties is owned by the paper? Yes, Mr. Murdoch is entitled to his own opinions and political beliefs, as are his colleagues in other news media, and in that regard he, like everyone else, is more than welcome to drop a fucking ballot in the box come election day, but his influence and mongering should stop there. Unless and until the ‘ordinary’ man can run for political office without the currently inevitable threat of having to kiss some corporate ass on a daily basis, unless the ‘Big Bucks’ component of the current political system is removed, there is no fucking hope of ever electing an honest man to office. Such is the pity for all of us.

DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 17th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 17th, 2010

DATELINE: BELLY-UP TO THE MORAL BUFFET, PICKING AND CHOOSING – I have a newsflash for all of you. There is a huge disaster in Pakistan right now... a massive disaster that will be a disaster for years to come, and yet the world is sitting on its fucking hands. ‘Why?’ you might ask. Well, because of ignorance on our part, because we are content to assume that anyone in peril in the Middle East is getting what they deserve because they are all terrorists. For three weeks they have had rain. For the next week they will get more rain. They are dealing with no food, no homes, no potential for food in the future because their supplies of crop seeds is being destroyed and now... along with the starvation comes disease. People politely state that it is the time of year and people are not paying attention to the news, there are claims that perhaps it is because a flood is a slow-moving disaster or that it is in ‘the wrong time zone for coverage in North America’, and even the fact that no celebrities have embraced this disaster to help raise money, but we all know that is a colossal load of fucking crap. The reason for this is because of te bullshit rhetoric we have to listen to about terrorists and terrorism and so ‘why the hell should we help them’ is the reason they are getting virtually no aid. The truth of the matter is that because of our ignorance, our fear, our apparently conditioned response to be protectionist we are playing right into the terrorists hands, because they are dry, they are safe, and they have every intention of using this as a means to show the people in need that the Developed World gives a shit about nothing that does not line their pockets in some way. There is no benefit to helping Pakistan, we hate them, we want them all dead... that is the message that will be sent and perhaps we fucking deserve that message to be out there. These are people who are suffering, little children and babies who already have bloated bellies and wide eyes and arms as skinny as chopsticks, and we turn away from them. Perhaps by showing some compassion we could be doing more good in the long run, so that when one of those few little ones who actually manages to survives goes to pick up a gun, he might just stop and remember the help and love shown to him and his family in a time of need. These people need help, and they will need much more in the days, months and even years to follow. Now is not the time to play fucking games.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF TERRORISTS – There has been much said about the building of a mosque in downtown New York near Ground Zero. I am not an expert on the lay of the land in Manhattan and readily admit to being a bit confused by the discussion of just where this mosque is to be located... ‘on’ ‘beside’, and ‘near’ have all been used, not that it really matters because the area is close enough and connected enough to the issue that it causes an issue. So based on the fact that the attacks of 9-11 were not a sovereignty/geography issue but rather the start of a war of ideologies, there should have been no room for this new issue to even have come up. But it has... and here is my problem. In the rhetoric being spewed by way too many mouths, calls for complete moratoriums on the building of all mosques in all of the US and people screaming and crying about the evils of a mosque, once again the terrorists become the winners. They don’t give a fucking rat’s ass about the mosque; they care only that it beautifully serves their purpose to divide people, to get them to reinforce their attitudes of hatred and intolerance, their hypocracy to once again cherry-pick which of the fucking amendments need to be taken seriously, and which ones are sort of ‘grey areas’, such as the freedom of religion. There are ways of dealing with this issues; THIS is not one of them. While I cansee there might be an educational value to having a mosque there, I can also fully appreciate the feelings of those who lived through a totally horrendous attack on their homes and their loved ones. The land should have been dedicated to the memory of those who perished and those who were blessed enough to make it out alive, and the land should have been used as a means to provide education regarding tolerance and understanding, because it was the total lack of this on the part of the terrorists that caused the attacks in the first place, and now the intolerance, hatred, fear and ignorance on our part keep the terrorist machine rolling. People, take a fucking step back and find a peaceful and understanding way to deal with this... because right now, no one on any side of this issue is being peaceful or understanding.

DATELINE: IN A STATE OF CONFUSION – That is where the doctors who have worked with Abdel Baset al-Megrahi are as they realize his release was based on medical findings... but not theirs. Al-Megrahi is that wonderful piece of excrement involved in the bomb that brought down a plane full of people over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988. The doctors, two urologists, an oncologist and a senior doctor who all were involved in the treatment of al-Megrahi’s cancer have all stated they were not consulted regarding his condition or the prognosis prior to his release and return to Libya. However, in Andrew Fraser’s (the Scottish Prison Services’ director of health and care) report regarding the release of al-Megrahi, these doctors are implied and their names blacked out from public records. Fraser was the one who declared the prisoner to be suffering from terminal prostate cancer, citing the man could be dead in three months. Of course, it is just the bitch cynic in me that can’t help but wonder about the celebrated return of al-Megrahi to his homeland Libya, but perhaps I should just shut my fucking mouth and revel in the new increased flow of oil coming from there. It is wonderful to know that the lives of 270 innocent people was nothing more than a bargaining chip for BP to once again line its fucking pockets. Please don’t ever tell me that the oil companies are not running the fucking world.

DATELINE: IN A MORAL ABYSS, FUCKING THE TROOPS – In a classic story of how The Man is more than ready and willing to fuck over soldiers who are prepared to give their lives for said ‘Man’, statistics are now out that show thousands of soldiers were discharged for having ‘peronality disorders’ between 2001 and 2007. That number dropped by 75% when the military started to accept the disgnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was a good thing... but what about the thousands who were out before that change in protocol? A personality disorder is defined as "deeply ingrained maladaptive pattern of behavior," which makes it a pre-existing condition and therefore not something that the soldiers can ever be compensated for. I guess my question would be ‘what the fuck was wrong with the people doing the screening of soldiers then, to allow this many people in with pre-existing mental health conditions and how can the people who made the determination to let them serve now be trusted to make a decision regarding their discharge?’ but that could just be the bitch in me. These young men and women put their fucking lives on the line every day. They deserve MUCH better. PTSD is recognized as a treatable condition that was caused by the extreme stresses of war, and as of 2008, when the issue of the discharges first came to light, reported cases of PTSD soared while the cases of discharge because of ‘personality disorder’ dropped substantially, yet the military can stand there with straight fucking faces and say there was no one misdiagnosed? Give me a fucking break! This is the military covering its ass at the expense, again, of troops who gave their all and are now stripped of their livelihood, the benefits, the chance of a future in any other field because of a terrible and WRONG diagnosis on their file, and hope. They deserve better, and its about time we started demanding it.

DATELINE: ON A SLOW BOAT, TAKING IN THE SCENERY AND MAKING A LONG OVERDUE STATEMENT -- She still has a long way to go, but 24-year-old Giorgia Boscolo has finally broken through a centuries-old barrier. She has been granted a gondolier's licence, making her the first female member of the goldoliers' guild in the ancient city of Venice. While it is a magnificent step, she is at this point only allowed to fill in for male gondoliers who are unable to make it to work. She cannot float her own boat... yet. I guess this puts the men in Venice slightly ahead of those in Iraq when it comes to their opinions of women.

SUNDAY SERMON WITH THE REVER-END DILLINGER

August 15th, 2010 -- Sunday Sermon

We are going today to speak of heroes. Children, what is a hero? Of course you all know that, don't you? Jesus, Mohammed, Martin Luther -- it is a long list, I admit. Then there are the heroes of combat, both men and women. Today we have an all volunteer military capacity. Today women and men go to war for God and country. This is most fine and admirable as these combatants, oh I would say probably 99% of them believe in just that: God and country. There are some who are merely adventurers, those fine folks out for the rush, those who have seen too many movies about the glories of war. I speak today of the 99%. Our world, our country is afoul with power mongers sending the above mentioned to be mangled and murdered in useless toil. They return in boxes or as cripples. They have courage, they have love, they have died or been crippled for nothing at all. 'How can you say this, Reverend Dillinger? That is a heinous thing to say.' I hear you all withering in self denial. 'We are stopping terrorism, defending our homes against all future attacks.' Rubbish! The combatant must have justification; we dare not take that away from them. This is the lie that we are fed and it is a well-eaten meal.

Jesus Christ, whether or not the son of God, was a revolutionary, a man, a God, someone who was, if taken at face value, a fool or a hero. That is up to you all to decide, if you must. He, I believe, had nothing against a good fight, nothing against standing up and being counted. It is no sin to face evil and spit in its face. No indeed! However, if we turn the other cheek, how often and at what cost? This is what has to be measured by the trusted ones. Too often, if not all the time, these so-called 'trusted ones' have alterior motives. Oh, for His sake and mine use your minds, your heart -- you know exactly of what I speak. Listen to that still small voice, would you please? It is screaming to you all at the top of its lungs. Look at Korea, Vietnam, all the so-called wars of necessity then and now and inbetween. Have I stood, knelt with the guts of a friend in the palms of my hands? You decide if you have or not! Have you ever looked at life, wondered at the glories of the Lord, examined yourselves so that you may fight the good fight?

I speak for the last time about love; the love of country, neighbors, your families, of self. These are the things of the Lord that are worth fighting for. Yes, yes it is important to fight the forces of evil at every point in one's life. Yet one must have knowledge, knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil, knowledge of the controllers of our lives, those people of evil that we allow such power over us that we are willing to be brainwashed into believing that a fight, any fight, is for God and country. I have stood in the marshes of such evil, my brain exploding with love for God and country. I have been smashed into an eternity of pain for the might of right. I believed and I died for God and country. Think of this as you will, my children. It was not as God intended. It was not to wage war against evil, but it was to assuage the not-empty pockets of polititians, those who programed myself and my friends to stand up and be counted, to be smashed, killed, destroyed for Father Knows Best, for nothing at all, which is the truly greatest of evils.

So for the last time I rebuke myself, I ask Marje what is for dinner, I say goodbye to you all. I leave you with love and the final question. What is a hero?

Reverend of Light and love and all that good stuff-Dillinger 'Haymon the body guard, the Anvil, David, all the Peaches, the prairies of Saskatchewan, The Nagging Little Man and Paul, all the rest of myself' Flakewaiter. Go in peace, my children, and when you understand my name you will have truly found the way to the Lord!

AUGUST 14th, 2010 - ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

AUGUST 14th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: IN THE RING, ON THE MAT, GETTING HIS ASS SERVED UP ON A PLATTER – A rather nauseating thought when considering ‘his ass’ belongs to that fucking moronic blowhard Bill O’Reilly. This week, his target was Jennifer Aniston, because she is in a movie in the roll of a woman who wants a child without having the pre-requisite husband. For starters, Bill... she is playing a fucking fictional character. Duh! But amidst all your babble and crap about the needs of two parents, a mother and a father in order to raise a child ‘properly’, where the fuck are you and your tirades when movies come out about the handsome, charming, witty fucking playboys? Where is their responsibility, or does it not matter that their playing around can, and... I know this will shock the fucking crap out of you, Bill... it can and it does result in children being born out of wedlock and with the father having no intention at all of being tied down? Why is it okay for that to happen? Because the men don’t get pregnant, so its fine for them? Or perhaps you embrace that wonderful Middle East ‘beat the adultresses to death’ mentality because obviously if she is sleeping with men, she must be a whore and a sinner. How convenient to be able to forget that for every woman sleeping with a man, there is a man sleeping with a woman. Do you not ever get tired of the fucking double standards that constantly spew from your indignant fucking lips? Why do you not damn these male characters, and the actors playing them, for totally destroying the moral values of the world? Get a fucking grip on reality, Idiot.

DATELINE: ON THE STAGE ACCEPTING THE PRIZE FOR THE MOST APTLY NAMED MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM – Stallone is back, in what is nothing more than another really really really really bad fucking Rambo movie, but what else should we have expected. There is one character he is able to play, the one limited to cliche lines, bad acting, posing with automatic weapons and extolling the virtues of being the monosyllabic low-IQ herculean ‘tough guy’ who has the solution for everything in life strapped around his shoulder. As if a plethora of fucking Rocky and Rambo movies just were not enough, Stallone now has a new character (co-written, directed and played by himself – because seriously, what the hell writer would want to even touch this crap), Barny Ross, to flog us with for the next ten fucking years... he is truly the master at taking an incredibly one-dimensional character way beyond the fucking limit. Why anyone would pay ten cents to see this crap is beyond me. At least, through, the title will make it easier to do the single word review of this blather – Expendable.

DATELINE: ON A THREAD, OVERHEAD – This has to be the way he will be making his entrance. Who? Well Spiderman, of course. Yes, he will be swinging onto a stage near you, singing his fucking ass off because where the hell would we be without Spiderman: The Musical – Turn Off The Dark. Topping the roster as one of the most expensive stage productions ever, this one will even have superheroes flying around the fucking theatre – quite a feat if you happen to land the roll of Super Chicken. It will be interesting to see how they manage to recoup their costs with this erudite piece of true Fluff-Crap. So, to spare you the two hours of your life that this production will totally fucking rob you off.... *SPOILER ALERT*... Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can, spins a web, anysize, catches thieves just like flies Look out! Here comes the spiderman.

DATELINE: WHAMMING INTO SNAPPY SNAPS – That’s what George Michael was done while he was pissed and stoned and behind the wheel. The Wham! star drove his car into a photo shop. Other than the fact that he has the skills of a great prophet when it comes to naming his group, what the fuck is this doing on the news? A star? Drunk, stoned, driving? In possession of contraband? Oh My God what is this world coming to? I am totally shocked... well, not really, but since every media outlet in the world covered this crap, I thought I should as well. You can't have too many venues providing excuses and justification for celebrity bad behavior... well, okay, i don't provide either, but i just fucking love to be on that bandwagon.

DATELINE: HAITI, THE MUSICAL DISASTER – Just what Haiti needs! As the country is still one fucking mess after a disastrous earthquake over six months ago, they now are setting the stage for what will be nothing more than a clusterfuck edition of Haiti’s Got Talent. First Michel Martelly, that diaper-wearing, sometimes kilt-clad singer/dancer has decided he should run as leader of the impoverished, rubble-strewn country because he knows how to help them. His buddy, singer Wyclef Jean, has also made the same decision, and so both names will be on the ballot, along with about 34 others. It’s to be hoped that someone with at least one true qualification has his name in the hat, because the last thing Haiti needs right now is to be used as a fucking pawn in a perverted game of nothing more than Public Relations whoring. The Haitians have been through enough. They deserve something more than an idiot leader parading around on stage wearing a diaper and making farting noises into a microphone.

DATELINE: ALLOWED BACK AT THE GROWN-UP'S TABLE, FOR NOW ANYWAYS -- Kanye West, that bad boy's bad boy, will be allowed to return to the MTV Awards this fall, after his class act performance last year when he stole the microphone away from Taylor Swift to extoll the reasons why Swift should not have won her award... well, okay, he was saying that Beyonce should have won, which is the same fucking thing. It would be the cynical bitch in me that points out once again money will supercede morals, ethics, manners or anything else. First off, there will be no better way to get the ratings for the show to go up than by having this asshole there again, splashing that fact over every fucking tabloid in the world, and baiting viewers to watch and wonder just what asshatted thing he will do this time... and you KNOW he will find something to do because despite his claims of learning humility, he is nothing but a fucking attention whore. Ratings equal money, so there really cannot be one person on the planet even remotely surprised that he will be allowed back or that the media will make a big fucking circus of that announcement. Oh, and it doesn't hurt the pocketbook that he has a new album coming out shortly after the awards. Yup, its all about the fucking money.

DATELINE: STRAYING FROM FLUFF-CRAP BUT BOOKENDING THIS BLOG WITH MORE ASSHATTEDNESS FROM THE LAND OF THE MALE DOUBLE-STANDARD – In Blackpool, England, as in many other communities around the world, there is a war memorial in a park. 32-year-old Wendy Lewis was this week found guilty of ‘outraging public decency’ because she was caught urinating and ‘performing a sex act on a man’ at the memorial. Yes, I fully believe she should be held accountable for this. It’s wrong... there is no discussion there. However, it is incredibly interesting to know that while her name is splattered over international websites for her heinous crime, the person she was performing the sex act with is only referred to as ‘a man’. His name and reputation are fully intact, despite the fact that what he did was equally as wrong as what Wendy Lewis did. One has to wonder what the fuck public office this ‘man’ holds that he is totally fucking immune from carrying his responsibility in the crime.

DAILY NEWS - AUGUST 13th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - FRIDAY AUGUST 13th, 2010

DATELINE: IN TIME OUT – That would be where you should find Dr. Laura Schlessinger right now. Yes, that paragon of fucking virtue, that woman who has the answer for everyone’s problems, that judgmental bitch who extolls her values and belief, and demands her listeners to accept them as gospel, opened her mouth this week and removed all doubt as to her narrow-minded blather. While reprimanding her caller for being in a mixed-race marriage without having the right sense of humor to handle what should have been expected racist comments, she spewed the n-word not once, not twice, but repeatedly... many times... over and over and over, providing the justification that since it is used by some comedians and on some HBO shows, then she too should be allowed to say it. You gotta totally love that fucking logic. The simple fact of the matter is that no one should have to ‘expect’ those sorts of comments from anyone. Under any circumstance, it is not acceptable, and just use the excuse that other people do it holds no water. She did apologize... in a tone that only reinforces the feeling that it was offered simply to appease the media. However, if you are in the business of flogging your name as a place of refuge, a source of inspiration and hope for those who are experiencing trouble, it might be a good idea to leave your fucking prejudices, hatreds and issues at your own damned house.

DATELINE: FROM THE BELLY OF A BEAST, AT LEAST IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE REPUBLICANS THESE DAYS – Giving new meaning to hate-mongering and fear-mongering, Texas Republican Representatives Debbie Riddle and Louis Gohmert have floated the notion that babies are being born in the US with their soul purpose being to attack the USA. Yes, I have no problem believing that there are women who go to the US on holidays so they can give birth there. For many of them, the health care is probably better there than it might be in some fucking rice paddy, or some dusty bombed-out hole in a mountain. But the premise for these two brainiacs is that the moms come to America to guarantee their babies have US citizenship under the premise of the 14th Amendment, then leave to raise their children to be terrorists, teaching them to hate the US, so they can then grow up despising their second homeland, slip in and destroy the country from within. Gohmert, babbling and screaming like a fucking second string actor in a stage production of One Flew Over The Cockoo’s Nest, waivers between knowing a grandmother of a terror baby and getting the information from a retired FBI agent, although the FBI has denied the existance of such a plot. Whether or not the plot is credible is not the fucking issue, though. The issue is that the terrorists soon will not have to worry about doing anything to anyone, because they have won... they will soon have everyone on the fucking continent hiding from airplanes, taxicabs, suitcases, baby bottles, burqas and now pregnant women. Quick! Lock yourself in your basement! It is the only way to preserve the freedom you were guaranteed, you embrace, you demand.

DATELINE: THOSE HALLOWED HYPOCRITICAL HALLS OF VATICAN CITY – In November of 2009, a report was issued regarding the extent of the sexual abuse covered up, condoned, even perhaps promoted within the Catholic Church in Ireland. It cited over 300 cases of abuse in a period of less than thirty years, those cases involved 46 priests. The treatment of the victims was horrendous, especially in light of the fact that the report discovered that ALL the bishops in the country were aware of the abuse and participated in, at the very least, going along with the status quo of doing nothing to protect the children. Let me say this again... they chose to do nothing to protect the children, the most vulnerable, the most innocent and pure in society, who clearly needed protection from those who took a vow to spread the word of God and live a chaste life... a decision they made of their own free will, unlike the children they tortured. Five bishops were named in the report. Two resignations were accepted, two more bishops offered their resignations on Christmas Eve. This week, eight fucking months after the fact, Pope Benedict, that infallable vicar of god, has refused to accept the resignations. No reason has been offered, but while he sit there and spews bullshit about taking a hard line on the issue of child abuse and clerics with itchy twitchy dicks, he once again shows his true stripes... he does not give a shit about anything but his holy fucking reputation, the protection of the church and the damnation of the children who were abused, in essence abusing them again. This Pope and every damned cardinal who stands there beside his holy assholed-ness should be ashamed of themselves.

DATELINE: ON A SLOW BOAT FROM SRI LANKA – There are almost 500 people on board, women and children included, and they have been on that rusted fucking bucket of filth for ninety days. They are people looking to have a real life, or at least the most meagre possibility of a life, something not possible in their own country. It has been reported that most of them are suffering from illness from the trip, and from TB, and they are arriving on Canadian shores tonight, amidst the screaming and shouting of people, presumably educated, compassionate, humane people, who want to see them turned away. In 1939, the Canadian people made the same outcry, forcing the government to refuse to allow the SS St Louis to dock on Canadian soil. That ship had 900 people aboard, 900 people who had breathed a sigh of relief when their ship left Hamburg, 900 people who were turned away from every country they tried to touch because... the passengers were Jewish, and were escaping from the nazi regime. We Canadians had so much to be fucking proud of back then, our upstanding moral convictions that these people would destroy our country, would upset the delicate balance of the nation, so we, like everyone else, turned them away. We had no idea of, nor apparently did we give a rat’s ass about, the life they were leaving, the reasons that would make them flee their homeland, their friends, their families with nothing but the clothes on their backs. We turned them away because they were Jewish, and we sent them back to Europe, and for many of them, we sent them to death. We have much to be ashamed of for that, and yet here we are again, doing the same thing to women and children, wishing them to be blown out of the water. We have no idea what they were told, but for some of them at least we can expect they are victims of many indignities, many crimes. Yes, there could be tamil tigers there, known terrorists, but there are people on that boat. Perhaps the way to get through to the terrorists is to not be afraid of them, of the possibility of them, of just the word ‘terrorist’, but to deal with the possibility they could be on that boat, in your neighbourhood, or damned well anywhere else, and extend the arm of humanity nonetheless, otherwise we stoop to their level of fear-mongering and the breeding of hate.

DATELINE: ON THE ROCKS – A case of scotch whiskey, over 100 years old, has been recovered in New Zealand from the ice of the antarctic. A remnant of Shackleton’s 1907 Nimrod expedition, the eleven bottles of Mackinlay’s dates back to 1896, and appears to be in pristine condition. Unfortunately, none of the eleven bottles will be opened or sampled because of the historical value of the find. Undoubtedly there will be many craving a taste. There are probably not enough oooo’s in smooooooth to describe it.

DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 11, 2010

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 11, 2010

DATELINE: THE ONLY PLACE HOTTER THAN HELL’S KITCHEN -- Russian PM Putin is at it again! You gotta fucking love that guy... a man’s man! A hero’s hero! The new Burt Reynolds posing on a ... nope, can’t do it without a barf bag. While wildfires consume Russia, Putin leaps to the rescue, jumping into a water bomber and guiding it over the leaping flames, because you just gotta grab that holy grail photo op at every opportunity. Who the hell cares that the fire has now reached the radioactive-contaminated grounds near Chernobyl, that it is expected the heat and the wind created from the fires will pick up those contaminated particles and spread them even further around the country? Who the hell cares that as people wait and watch and pray, Putin is making backroom nuclear deals with the likes of Chavez and Ahmadinejad, clearly not learning the lesson of how nuclear capabilities in crap infrastructure maintained by fucking idiot despots is a recipe for true disaster and more of a threat to their own countries than they are to anyone else? None of that fucking matters. It was a photo op, to show the poor, sick, impoverished people of Russia that they have much for which to give thanks; they have that hawt sexpot hero Prime Minister Vlad.

DATELINE: MODERN-DAY 300BC – Speaking of despots and assholes... This week, a 35-year-old woman, Bibi Sanubar and her unborn baby were murdered. The woman was accused of being involved in an illicit affair that resulted in her pregnancy, and so that was clearly reason enough for her to be publicly flogged 200 times, held captive for three days for the obviously very thorough investigation and trial, and then shot in the head. Let’s hear it for enlightenment and the Taliban, those wonderful interpreters of all things religious that say everything wrong in the world is because of women. Funny thing is that it never seems to matter that it takes two to have an affair; the father of her baby was not even considered for prosecution despite his very vital role in the affair... not that he deserved to die for that either. Let me say this again – the woman was flogged, 200 times with the lash, in public, before she was shot in the head three times, in public, and her body was ‘dumped’ in a ‘government-controlled’ area. Where the hell were all the politicians over here? Why was no one saying one fucking word about this woman? This crime, this murder, was committed by Afghan militia with what appears to be government approval, since they most willingly provided the land on which she was ‘dumped’. There is no excuse for the inhumanity shown to people in general and women specificially in these countries, and as the names of the people involved in this murder are public record, why the hell is no one, not the US government, not the UN (I would bitch about our own government remaining silent, but that is probably a blessing considering the influence of Comrade Harper on the world condition). Where are the human rights groups, or the loudmouthed Sarah Palin’s of the world, the Nancy Pelosi’s – those women of influence who choose instead to use their voices to sing only partisan praises and patriotic platitudes meant in the long run to only feather their nests. Shame on all of you! How many more Bibi Sanubar’s will be tortured and murdered for bullshit reasons, all for the sake of glorifying the power and judgment contained in an Afghan penis?

DATELINE: ANYPLACE BIG BROTHER CAN BE WATCHING – A Toronto teen has lost his licence for six months and was sentenced to twelve months probation for dangerous driving. The cool part about this is that no one saw him speeding 100 km/hr over the posted speed limit. No one recorded him doing it, no one in the area complained about it, and yet... Vladimir Rigenco did, however, post on an internet forum for BMW’s that he had been able to get his car going that speed. A member of this forum, one from the USA, contacted police and told them. Now, I am all for people obeying the rules of the road. They are there for a reason, primarily the safety and overall good of the people on or beside the roads. I get that. And while I know this boy entered a plea of guilty and was thus fined, his comments on a forum are nothing more than heresay, could well have been nothing more than 19-year-old macho bragging. I guess my problem is that while we do have to own our words, when are we safe to make a comment or exchange a thought, or brag about something we may or may not have done? Can legal action be taken based on something posted on a forum or on a twitter or facebook status? If someone jokes about lifting an ashtray from a fucking restaurant, should he be prepared for the Stasi to burst through his door at any minute to arrest him for theft? While I agree the boy in the story was doing something wrong and dangerous, I seriously question the means in which it was handled, and fear that as we become more dependant on virtual computer communication, we surrender just a little bit more of ourselves to the establishment.

DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 10th, 2010

DATELINE: JETBLUE HELL – A JetBlue flight attendant is in custody this morning after popping a fucking gasket on his last flight. Picture it... the end of a flight from Pittsburgh to JFK. A passenger stands up, grabs a bag from the overhead storage and smacks attendant Steven Slater in the head with it. I have been there. I would be pissy too about getting a god damned suitcase in the head. Slater, however, took pissy to a whole new level. He got onto the plane’s PA system, dropped several ‘f-bombs’ directed to the passenge who refused to apologize for his actions (Can you fucking believe it? He dropped ‘f-bombs’! Fucking awesome!), then grabbed some beer, hit the emergency chute and slid his way into JFK on his ass. It was one hell of a grand exit! Now, you are probably expecting me to go off about this guy, but I won’t. We don’t know what the hell he is dealing with in his life, he didn’t hurt anyone, and actually, I sort of admire his brass. He’s a young guy so the odds are pretty good I would admire his ass as well, as long as he doesn’t wear pants with the waistband dropped down to his fucking crotch... but I digress. I could go on about the fucking rudeness of passengers on planes, all of them with that feeling of superiority, that their business on the plane is so much more important to everyone else on the damned bird. I could, but that is endemic everywhere now. We are too fucking self-absorbed and we don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else, and this passenger is just more proof of this fact. The passenger was an asshat. BUT what I will go off on is the fucking overhead storage in an airplane. We have to now pay to check bags, and it ain’t cheap to do that. All that does is make people want to pack all their stuff in carry-on. Then the damned airlines give precedence to those who have NO carry-on by loading them first. The god damned airlines need to make up their minds about carry-on. My personal preference would be to see NO overnight bags, small suitcases, hockey bags, gym bags, back packs... none of that crap should be on there. You have a teeny tiny aisle that only Twiggy or a stewardess can get down without having to walk sideways! There is not enough room for every one of those idiotic passengers to be stopping to put their precious crap overhead. Check the fucking bags, people! It takes all of five extra minutes at the end of your flight to pick the fucking thing up. If we didn’t have to stand for twenty minutes in the cramped aisles, all hunched over, watching some five-foot-nothing broad trying to cram her entire wardrobe onto a shelf she can’t even reach, we might all be in a better mood for the fucking flight.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF THE FUCKING FROZEN BRAIN – Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, is planning to run for the office of Mayor formerly held by his pistol-packing pinheaded political nightmare almost-mother-in-law. Not only is this a huge fucking joke, but he is planning to do it in front of the media, in a reality show called Loving Levi:The Road to the Mayor’s Office... and NO, sadly I am not making this shit up. So we have a teenaged celebrity-whore kid with raging hormones and teenage-father celebrity, who has already broken off his engagement to the Palin progeny twice, and he wants to run a city? Gimme a fucking break! He does not have the ability to run a shit-house detail for a household of one. He can’t make a decision, he can’t stick to a decision... but of course he has been around that Palin charm, charisma, logic... those rallying cries of the family matriach for the government to ‘incentivize’ job growth, (yes, Sarah Palin apparently went to the George W Bush School of Language and Made-Up Fucking Words) and perhaps he has now perfected that homey self-righteous eye-roll necessary to admonish those, including school teachers, who do not agree with Sarah Palin when she extolls the need for protecting the constitution because the constitution requires protecting for it to remain constitutionally constitutional. Ya know, this poor Levi kid needs get the fuck out of Alaska and get a life away from Palin’s Dysfuction Junction and Politico/PR Whore House. Someone please remind me to thank fucking John McCain for sharing his wonderful Wasilla find with the world.

DATELINE: AT A TURKEY SHOOT – What better way to celebrate your wedding than opening up with a fucking AK-47 and shooting your new father-in-law and two aunts. It’s sort of the low-budget rewrite of Three Weddings and a Funeral, just in reverse... or something. The groom who has not been identified (assume though that his bride calls him ‘Yer Ass Is Grass!’) lost control of his AK-47 as he fired it into the air, killing the three, injuring eight others. The Turks argue that this firing of bullets into the air is traditional there, has been happening for generations. An AK-47? Give me a fucking break. For starters, the damned weapons were only invented in the late 1940’s – certainly NOT generations ago. But that’s beside the point. The point is that people need to learn that a gun is most definitely a valuable tool, more to some than others (Sarah Palin requires one to post for political posters and her Christmas Greeting Cards). A gun is NOT an extension of a man’s penis. The extent of a man’s ‘endowment’ is not at all relative to the barrel size of a rifle. Seriously, guys, you are better off showing your stuff in a pair of Speedo’s, and slightly less dangerous.

DATELINE: WHERE’S THE CHICKEN?! – It takes one hell of a set of nuggets to work the drive-thru in McDonalds in Toledo. Melodi Duschane is now doing 60 days in the big house for going ballistic when she was told she could not have chicken nuggets for breakfast. Seriously... this woman, in a fit of McNugget Rage climbed out of her car, reached through the window, slugged a couple of McDonald’s employees, then smashed the window with a bottle when she threw it... all because of fucking chicken nuggets. It was breakfast! Who the hell eats chicken nuggets for breakfast? It’s like this was the end of the fucking world for this crazy woman. Her excuse... it was new years day and she was drunk. Of course, then that makes it totally different. You gotta love these excuses for what is simply plain old bad fucking behavior. She should be forced to eat fucking McNuggets every meal for every god damned day she spends behind bars.

DATELINE: STARRING IN WHAT IS QUICKLY BECOMING WORSE THAN A B-GRADE SLASHER MOVIE – Just when you thought you heard the last of asshole Mel Gibson, the son of a bitch rises up out of the crap and dishes another dose of asshatted stupidness. It has been revealed that this upstanding peach of a prick has hired two private detectives to ‘visit’ some key witnesses in the upcoming court case regarding the beating of his wife and the custody of his child. This, of course, follows the racist, anti-semitic homophobic asshole comments he has been heard making for the last several years when he is looking for people to blame for the fact that he is... well... an asshole. Amid reports of his PI’s encouraging witnesses to rethink the chain of events they are supposed to be recounting in courts, there have also been reported statements made on various internet sources, claimed to be made by said witnesses, all of which are in disagreement with past testimony. The witnesses however have so far been able to prove the statements inaccurate and are still prepared to testify in court. Poor old Mel’s knee-breakers don’t seem to be working. One has to wonder why the hell there would even be a question about custody of any child. Gibson is not fit to have anything to do with any child, anywhere.

DATELINE: IN A TOTALLY FUCKED UP LAND -- In what is clearly a case of prosecutorial stupidity run amok, a 37-year-old Vancouver construction worker is awaiting judgment regarding some aggravated assault charges. Shawn Woodward was in a bar with some friends. Over the course of the evening, 63-year-old Ritchie Dowrey, approached Woodward repeatedly, propositioning him and even reportedly groping the younger man. Finally Woodward had enough, laid one punch on Dowrey, landing it on his head and knocking him down. Woodward then left the bar, voicing his anger and frustration about the fact that he had been accosted so many times by the gay man. Unfortunately for Woodward, Dowrey suffered permanent brain damage from the punch, so Woodward is looking to serve some time behind bars. This is a tragic thing, brought on completely by Dowrey's asshattedness. Even for guys, fucking No means No, and Woodward had made that very clear several times. I would have reacted the same way if I had been in Woodward's situation because sometimes enough is enough. What is totally outrageous now, though, is that this is being billed as a homophobic Hate Crime... Yes, legislation intended to protect people from blatant vicious attacks based on outright hatred and prejudice has now been bastardized because, in his anger, Woodward pointed out that he was not interested in having sex with a gay man, and presumably referred to the man as a faggot. It was not like Woodward was in the bar baiting someone to beat the crap out, it wasn't as though he was begging for a fight or hunting for trouble. He went in for a drink, was accosted and finally reacted. This is what is wrong with the fucking judicial system... they have the god damned common sense of a fucking cumquat.