DAILY NEWS – JUNE 1, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 1, 2010

DATELINE: BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA – This is Israel’s situation -- always damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they do something to maintain their own country's security, they are condemned by the rest of the world, and if they don't, they will be attacked... again... by Palestinian terrorists. Israel is a country where people are trying to live their lives, where peace is only a dream, where no matter what they do, they receive global condemnation for their actions. Please remember that this is a country of Jewish people, a people who were literally turned away from almost every country in the world for no reason other than being Jewish, despite their plight or situation or need. So I ask, would we sit back and tolerate ships coming in to our waters with aide for terrorists hell-bent on annihilating us? If a flotilla pulled up in New York, what reception would they receive? Yes, the premise of the flotilla in question was that they were working for the cause of peace. That’s why they brought 600 people along for the ride? It takes that many people to deliver aide to the Gaza Strip? Here is the thing. For several years now, both Egypt and Israel have been forced to check the ships that come in with supplies to Gaza. Terrorism is a daily fact of life there, something we would not tolerate on this side of the ocean. The attacks in Israel are not front-page news here, but they happen... daily. The fact of the matter is that aide to Gaza is, essentially, aide to Hamas, a known terrorist organization that makes no secret of the fact that they want Israel removed from the map. Hamas will make sure the people living in Gaza, their own Palestinian people, do not have the aide they need. They can’t afford to allow those people to flourish, because by keeping people oppressed and poor and uneducated, terrorists can further their own cause and create more hate. The ships that were boarded were done so in a routine fashion. These particular ones, though, were intending very publicly to run the blockade, to breach the security lines that help to protect the people of Israel. Now, let’s face it; no one else has the balls to stand up and help the Israelis, so they have to take care of themselves, and so we should butt out and let them. The inspection followed the set routine that does not change from ship to ship, but while doing nothing more than what our customs agents do every fucking day in this country, they were attacked, and they were attacked for the ONLY purpose of garnering media attention to those running the blockades. The Israeli forces who were doing the inspection were not heavily armed as the media would like us to think, and they were attacked and beaten for doing their job. It is interesting though, that there were people on board the flotilla who were assigned the task of specifically ‘defending the journalists’, which smacks to me of nothing more than a propaganda load of crap indicating the attempt to aide was nothing more than an opportunity to incite problems for the Israeli government. It matters not if there were weapons found on the damned boats. If there was nothing to hide, there would be no reason to attack those tasked with inspecting the shipments. Had someone tried to breach our borders or our security, they would feel the full brunt of the law, not condemnation from the rest of the world. Governments should hang their heads in shame. Perhaps if Prime Minister Netanyahu could find some oil under their dry, blood-stained soil, they might get more international support. It seems it always comes back to that.

DATELINE: IN THE MARBLE HALLS OF INJUSTICE – In 2005, a boy at a SkyTrain Station in Surrey, BC was beaten to death. The reason for this was because he was wearing a chain around his neck that Katherine Quinn, 22 at the time, wanted for herself. Matthew Martins, 16, fought back, and that prompted Quinn to order her boyfriend, the ball-less, brainless Robert Forslund, to attack. While Quinn screamed ‘If you love me, you will kill him’ to Forslund, the boy was slammed repeatedly into a wall, kicked as he lay on the ground and then had his throat slip with a broken beer bottle... FOR A FUCKING CHAIN ON HIS NECK. There were four witnesses to the crime, all of whom testified at the trials. The Judge hearing the retrial (ordered on a technicality after the first trial saw a guilty verdict for both Quinn and Forslund) said that the four witnesses were not reliable in her opinion, and so Ms Quinn was found ‘not guilty’. Yes, this sick piece of crap who at the very least stood and watched, if not actively participating in, the attack is free to walk the streets. God help anyone who happens to wear something Quinn takes a hankering to, because undoubtedly she now believes, and probably rightly so, that she has the world by the ass and can do nothing that will send her to prison. Our justice system sucks here people. Of course, Comrade Harper won’t give a rat’s ass unless it’s one of his that gets violated. My heartfelt condolences go to the family and friends of Martins, and I hope that means more than the same condolences offered by Madam Justice Baker as she read her verdict and declared justice had indeed been carried out. Justice? My ass.

DATELINE: WHERE BP MAKES ME SLICK TO MY STOMACH – Just when ya think there is nothing more they can do to surprise us, BP manages. A restraining order has been filed against the oil giant... yes, a restraining order, filed by a fisherman who was helping them and who got sick. Here’s how it worked. BP went to the out of work fishermen, out of work because of BP’s incompetence and negligence, and offered to pay them up to $3000 a day to help them with their efforts to stop the spill. These are fishermen who now have no livelihood left. They were taken out where the dispersants are being dropped, dispersants that come with warnings for proper protection in areas where it is being used, protection for the skin and the lungs and all sorts of cool things. But the fishermen were told by BP that if they wore masks to protect their breathing, they would be fired. John Wunstell was one of these fishermen who went out and was around the dispersant, who got sick and ended up being medivac’d to the hospital. Outside the hospital, he was showered and cleaned up in tents set up to work with the people coming in from the oil slick areas. He was then taken into the hospital where he was admitted and treated. When he asked for his clothes back, though, he was informed that BP had taken them and would not be giving them back. The same applied to the other eight fishermen who were taken in to the hospital suffering from upset stomachs, nosebleeds, severe headaches, shortness of breath, nasal irritation... of course, the CEO for BP blames this on ‘food poisoning’ because apparently he has a fucking medical degree too. The oil company’s position on masks was that they did not supply them and they were not needed. They know they were not needed because they were carefully monitoring the air quality. Now, I’m sorry, but if I was told that, I would not be instilled with confidence either at BP’s ability or honesty. There are also reports that anyone who complains about the conditions or the health risks has received threats and so many are hesitant to talk about any of this. How much more of this shit are people going to put up with from a fucking oil company? Come on, Obama, get off the fucking pot and take care of this, before more people die. The cost in lives, a fact that seems to be totally irrelevant to some, has been to fucking high already.

DATELINE: ON OPRAH’S COUCH – Fergie, the Duchess of York, admits she was drunk when she was involved in the sting that found her offering, for a mere $40,000 cash up front and 500,000 pounds payment, access to her ex, Prince Andrew (aka the only hawt royal). She was ‘in the gutter at that moment’, not in her right place, that she was having financial problems, and she is sorry, so everything is just fucking fine, roses everywhere for the royal who just won’t stop adding some spice to Queen Lizzie’s life. Fergie, get a fucking job.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 31st, 2010


DATELINE: SO TO BE ON THE TABLOID 'PATHETIC PEOPLE OF THE WORLD'! – Just when you think you heard it all, Sarah Ferguson steps up to the plate and hits the stupid ball out of the park. She was broke, ya see, so under those circumstances, when you are a royal or another of the beautiful people, you are allowed to do damned near anything... and then when that blows up in your face, you go onto Oprah, get some moolah for talking to her, drum up a few new sponsors and start your latest book to exploit your stupid. Some claim she was not able to make the transition from ‘royal’ to ‘ordinary’ as far as her spending went. Funny, but the royals claimed she was not able to make the transition from ‘ordinary’ to ‘royal’ as far as class and poise was concerned (of course, Prince Phillip get a ‘by’ on all issues of class and poise as well, but he has earned that through many years of idiocy). Yes, I suppose the queen was not amused to learn that thorn in her paw was still there, this time selling access to Prince Andrew, the one and only truly beautiful royal... and damn, might I say he is aging well!!


DATELINE: ON A SEA BED, OILED DOWN AND READY FOR MORE SCREWING – On the heels of yet another futile attempt at stopping the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, some BP internal documents revealed today far more than was ever revealed before Congress – that the oil giant was already aware of some serious safety concerns and problems with the Deepwater Horizon. In June of last year, BP’s own engineers warned that the metal casings the company wanted to use on the rig were substandard according to the company’s own safety policies and design standards. They were warned that the casings could collapse under pressure, but what the fuck? The company went ahead with them anyways despite being fully aware of the risk, and yet, while testify stated that there were no risks taken by the company at all. Further documents also authored by BP’s own engineers pointed out that the casing was ‘unlikely to be a successful cement job’ and that the plan was ‘unable to fulfill MSS regulations’. This, along with the reports from a BP’s internal investigation regarding warning signs of an immediate blowout of the well leading up to the explosion. These included a report to federal regulators from BP that they were experiencing a loss of ‘well control’ and reports that on at least three occasions there was evidence of problems and leaking with the blowout preventer on the well, and yet it never once occurred to these fucking assholes to stop work and fix the problems? Hell no!! Can you imagine what it would cost to stop the well and do something proactive? Why would ANYONE want to piss away money like that? And where the hell was MMS when all this was going on? Oh yeah, being wined and dined and basically bought out by oil companies and allowing them to put off doing mandatory testing of the blowout preventers. While BP lied... ooops... ‘inadvertently’ failed to include all the details of the problems they were facing with their well when submitting information to government agencies, the problems continued until now, after over a month of oil gushing into the ocean, they are still stymied as to how to fix the fucking problem, and continue to turn to their engineers for help – those would be the same engineers they refused to listen to about the problems in the first place. Yes, the President should put a hold on ALL fucking oil wells in the water unless and until they are all thoroughly examined and can prove they are taking the proper steps. This is NOT a situation confined to the Gulf of Mexico or Louisiana fishermen, who are getting totally fucked over, but is far more reaching than that, and since we have seen that one oil company does not deserve even a shred of public trust, the rest of them should be held to account. I am not a terrorist, yet in order to board a plane I have to submit to a myriad of requirements and inspections and inconveniences... other oil companies might not be so fucking irresponsible as BP was, but then they should be more than happy to prove that fact.


DATELINE: ROME, ROME ON THE RANGE – Well, that could be where Pope Benedict’s ass ends up when all this scandal bullshit is said and done. Seemingly the master of the mixed message, in one report the Pope admits that the disease afflicting the Catholic Church comes from inside and requires correction, and in another report... well, not so much. The Associated Press has, through court filings, obtained documentation that shows Cardinal Ratzinger (the current Pope’s previous persona while doing Rottweiler duty for his predecessor J2P2) was asked in 1989 by Bishop Daniel Ryan of Springfield, Illinois, to defrock one Rev Fr Alvin Campbell. It seems that Campbell was a confessed abuser of many children in his parish and even served time for his actions, but Ratzinger, that paragon of fucking virtue and sound logic, denied the request because it lacked ‘the request of Father Campbell himself’. Lemme get this straight: Because the Priest didn’t ask to be defrocked, our Modern Day Inquisitor would not do so? When the hell was it up to the priest to decide that? The church, and the Vatican in particular, seem hell bent on doing anything to protect the church and it’s priests, no matter what the cost in the destruction of human lives. The time delays and bullshit back and forth about a man who abused children is shameful. In this case, as in many others, bishops once again claim that their hands were tied by the tone, rules and examples provided by Rome, and yet the Vatican argues that they had more than enough opportunity to deal with the issues. This of course follows the Vatican’s other attempt to allow shit to flow down-hill... by claiming that legal suits brought against Bishops for inaction were for the Bishops alone to deal with; Bishops are NOT employees of the Vatican and so the Vatican cannot be held responsible. My number one rule... when they start to pull out the bullshit legal babble and justification, it means that they have no doubt they are guilty as sin but are too fucking feckless to acknowledge just how hugely they have fucked up. Funny how no one, though, comments on where the responsibility of the Cardinals might be... guess we have more than enough proof of that already with the fact that Cardinal Bernard Law was allowed in the last conclave and is still doing his thing in Vatican City. It’s all bullshit. It’s time it was dealt with.


DATELINE: ON A GREEN, LESS ANNOYING PLANET – Studies from Michigan State University show that the use of solar panels is causing a crisis of insect-sized proportions. The shiny dark surface of the panels is confusing to bugs who lay their eggs on water (like mosquitoes) and so the stupid little bug-gers lay their eggs on the panels instead. Yes, the eggs get sizzle-fried, and voila! No more mosquitoes. Now, the researchers say this is a terrible thing, and I suppose for the mosquitoes it might be, but I fail to see the point, especially if I am not getting the point of their pointy proboscises in my ass. Yes, I know there are other species who lay eggs on the water, and yes, i know its not right to mess with the balance of nature, but you have to admit... a way to save money AND get rid of mosquitoes at the same time is pretty much a win/win scenario.


DATELINE: SOUTH KOREA -- A baby is dead because her parents could not stop playing games at internet cafes. Her father, 41-years-old and her mother, 25, were sentenced to two years, which is disgusting enough, BUT the mother will not be doing any time, because, well... somewhere inbetween internet games and cafes, she managed to get knocked up again. Yes, this woman is going to have another one. The little girl that died had struggled against the odds after a premature birth. She was fed one bottle a day, when her parents remembered, and often the formula in that bottle was sour with age. Her parents found her dead in their apartment when they returned home from an all-nighter on the internet gaming rounds. They had left their baby unattended. She died of malnutrition. These people should not be allowed to procreate; they abused that privelege and should never have access to children or computers again.

Sunday Sermon with Reverend Dillinger

Sunday Sermon with Reverend Dillinger

freedom such a grand editorial for the slaves of father knows best; those two-timed poor bastardos that claim heart is in the home and bullshit like that. so as we go merrily along building our snowmen we find inevitably that warmth is a desire not wasted on the want nots who sit with their fingers up their rear ends hoping, even praying if one has to be so bold, that life will not exact the toll of others as related to the animal kingdom.

trudge, dear hearts, upon the waste land, that place where other beasts roam searching for their daily bread simple survival; not egocentric whorderbies ordered by some ponce who is living off his mother and does not have the guts to stand and be counted, rather deferring choice to voted heads of nothing which we are becoming in this, the greatest country on a dishevelled planet which does not search for warmth nor cold but allows it without choice to be as it should which is right-correct? it is politically satisfying to the preachers of non denominational crap such as those elected by the wind blown empty minded morons who profess freedom of choice. what a fucking joke we are right? then again how would anybody know as where the lords of public proclaim that clarity is a sitation void of deliberation, therefore it is as it should be. take your pumkin pies and throw whipped cream to the wind--no no it will land where you choose it to and not where the wind does blow, no no.

love

signed

animal kingdom of nod where there is a lot of nodding off and oh look! that famous celebray is dead-oh dear oh dear-what's for dinner Marje?

DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DATELINE: WAITING FOR SPONGEBOOB – In yet another ‘interesting’, albeit not surprising, revelation today, BP acknowledged that just maybe their estimates of how much oil was gushing into the ocean were a bit optimistic. Just a bit? Their siphon that is supposedly capturing only a small percentage of the spilling oil is picking up 5000 barrels a day, ergo... I fucking love when I can use albeit and ergo on the same day... ergo their estimates for the last month are just a small percentage of what is actually devastating the ocean. Some scientists and engineers have been stating they believed the well to be spilling at a rate of 20,000 to 100,000 barrels a day, something that was poo-pooed by BP, but now, hmmm, kinda hard to argue that point. Besides, who the fuck is going to believe one word that BP has to offer about the spill now? The oil has managed to get past the booms set out to protect vulnerable areas, is now approaching the mouth of the Mississippi, is now into the Loop Stream and being carried through precious coral beds and around the panhandle, and is splashing ashore in a heavy gooey mess that no plant or animal will be able to survive without intervention, and even then it will be doubtful. So much for the fucking booms. BP has also been spraying dispersant on the oil slicks, meant to make the oil sink to the sea bed. Whoop-de-fucking-do. It won’t be washing around in the waves, but it will still do just as much damage and what the hell happens to it down the road? But today BP was told by the EPA that they have one day to select a different dispersant and three days to get in sprayed on the spills. Why? Because out of the 18 dispersants approved by the EPA, the one BP is using, Corexit 9500, is one of the most toxic and least effective on the list. Yahoo! I am shocked. It was probably the cheapest on the fucking list too, because God knows, BP wants to scrape every penny it can for that next upcoming round of executive bonuses.

DATELINE: LONDON, IN MANY NIGHTMARES NOW! – The mascots for the 2012 Olympic Games in London were unveiled to much applau... well, to some applau.... honestly? To a hell of a lot of people going What the Fuck Are They? And what the hell were the designers smoking when they thought that up? These one-eyed things that look like shiny sperms, or perhaps giant vibrators with arms (especially since they only each have one eye) are named Wenlock and Mandeville, both names having significance to the history of the Olympics and the Paralympic Games. Nice names... but what the hell is the rest of this about? The two mascots are supposedly drops of molten metal dripped in the final stages of the building of the Olympic Stadium and taken home by a retiring worker where they were turned into... sperm-like things... for his grandchildren to play with. These ‘things’ are topped off with taxi lights on their heads, for whatever reason. We’ve come a long, and rather scary, way from the days of the first mascot, Waldi, the colourful striped dachshund of the 1972 Munich games. On the good side, after revealing Sperm One and Sperm Two, there is only UP to go from here for the planning of the London Olympics, right?

DATELINE: WHAT THE FUCK PLANET DO THESE IDIOTS LIVE ON? – Imagine being on the county payroll, going into work one day and being told that you had been overpaid and need to return the money. Then imagine that the overpayment occurred 16 years earlier. Such is life if you live in Lawrenceville, Ga. The county’s CFO has decided now is the time to ‘clean up receivables’ and where else to do that but from the employees who were paid bonuses in 1994. They are not being unreasonable about this though... the employees can apply the money to vacation leave or just pay the county the cash. Now, first off, I have a hard time believing this crap is even legal. It should fall under the category of ‘you snoozed, you lose’ and the person who made the fucking mistake should be on the hook for it, not the people who did the work, got a bonus and are now being screwed over. And what about the employees from back then who are gone, moved, dead, changed jobs... how does the county plan on getting the money from them, because I can tell you right now, if they came to me with a fucking bill like this, I would gladly submit a receipt that showed the money was used to purchase food, and offer to pay them back with crap.

DATELINE: HANNAH NOT MADE IN MONTANA – Wal-Mart is pulling an entire line of Miley Cyrus crap jewellery trinket shit from their shelves because it is all... wait for it... toxic. The jewellery trinket stuff is, which is truly a wonderful irony, even a metaphor for the situation. Now, to be fair, most jewellery contains metal cadmium, and it is not harmful when worn as jewellery. The problem arises when young children are exposed to the jewellery because if they put any of it in their mouths, the metal cadmium becomes very toxic. The kicker, though, is that Wal-Mart was aware of the problem in February, but decided at that time to play the ‘stupid’ game, stating first that it had no way to test products already on the shelves, then saying that it was not intended to be purchased by children. What the fuck? It’s Miley Cyrus. Who the hell else is gonna wear that crap? My guy comes in with a gift box and there is a Hannah Fucking Montana charm in it for me, that charm is gonna be shoved up my guys ass so far it will not stop till it pops out his left fucking ear. Of course kids are gonna wear it and stick it in their mouths because kids stick everything but vegetables into their damned mouths. Once AP broke the story of the metal cadmium content, though, Wal-Mart decided to man up and pulled the crap from their shelves. Perhaps it might behoove both Wal-Mart and Miss Montana to pay attention to where their products are made as well, but apparently that lesson is just too fucking hard for any of these idiots to grasp.

DATELINE: HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN? – In a story that is both astounding and promising, a deal has been struck for the management of over 72 million hectares of forest. The unlikely partnership? Between Canadian conservation and environmental protection groups and, you might have to sit down for this one, major Canadian logging and timber companies. Yes, two entities, two opposites in the form of NGO’s and Corporate Canada, managed to sit down and get their shit together. They have agreed in basic terms what areas of the forests will be preserved, where caution must be exercised, what sort of environmental situations are in each one and what areas are okay for logging. The two adversaries have realized that co-operation is the only way to proceed, and they did it totally behind the scenes, with no Bru-ha-ha or fanfare and without any government involvement or interference. Now that the bare bones have been worked out in what could well be a landmark co-operation, more groups will be brought in for their input and advice, and the group will slowly grow to make sure that all voices are heard and all needs are met. Thank the Lord there might still be some people left in the world who do give a shit and are ready to work together to accomplish one goal with benefits for all. Can you imagine what the fuck could be done if government parties could be this fucking mature and enlightened?

DAILY NEWS – MAY 19th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 19th, 2010

DATELINE: CAUGHT IN A FLOOD – OF FUCKING STUPIDITY -- President Mugabe of Zimbabwe might not have a God complex, but he apparently has one hell of an identity crisis happening anyways. In his attempt to rewrite the whole Noah’s Ark story, Mugabe, in the title role, has decided for some absolutely unfathomable reason to send a present to Kim Jong Il. ‘And the present?’ you ask. Well, nothing less than two of each species of animal found in Zimbabwe’s Hwange National Park. It doesn’t matter that there is NO facility in North Korea that meets international standards for animal care. It doesn’t matter that some of the animals they are planning to send have virtually no chance of survival, because they are being taken from their mothers too early in their lifecycle – like the two baby elephants Mugabe has ordered. Included on the list are black and white rhinos, cheetahs, lions, leopards, giraffes and gazelles (for the record, black rhinos are an endangered species, as are some species of white rhinos as well) – but apparently what the hell does that matter?). Now, I ask you, what the fuck does Kim Jong Il need with these animals? In a time when global organizations are working their asses off to protect many of these species, and when it is absolutely critical to get the exotic pet trade under control, along come Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb-Il. Keeping these animals in private collections cannot be tolerated anymore. The promoting of wild animals as status symbols has contributed greatly to the demise of many species, and yet these two dumbasses decide it would be a good idea... totally out of the blue. Johnny Rodrigues, head of the Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force has been looking for international influence to help stop this stupidity, but already there are trappers running all over the fucking park collecting this damned order. It is to be hoped that world leaders pay attention... although it is sadly unlikely that they will do sweet fuck all about it, because so far they seem intent to just sit back and watch these two run totally amok. It’s to be hoped the animals aren’t sent to Korea by boat, since, well, you know... they seem to be getting shot at a lot by the North Korean military. I wonder how long it will be before the ark is delivering a similar present to that pillar of humanity Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or good old Vladimir up north there, because apparently Mugabe thinks his little presents will hold him in good stead with the Batshit Crazy Despot Society of the world, totally forgetting that they, like him, are totally fucking nuts and will turn on him in a heartbeat once the opportunity arises.

DATELINE: ON A PROLIFE SPEECH CIRCUIT – Speaking of total fucking stupidity, Sarah Palin’s teen-queen daughter Bristol has signed on to the speech-giving circuit, speaking out about abstinence and her pro-life position. I am sorry, but WHY??? Why the hell would people pay money to hear her erudite analysis of any situation? The Palin protégée speaking about the reasons NOT to get pregnant and have a baby while getting paid thousands of dollars to pimp her bad choices seems rather counter-productive to me. This is sort of the same as Monica Lewinsky speaking about the huge monetary benefits of getting an education. The fact that she would whore out her life and, more to the point, her child’s life, all because Mommy is ‘famous’ is rather nauseating. If she was sincere about her position, about wanting to help and reach out to young people, she would not be soaking them for $30,000 an hour. If she was sincere about her desire to be a mother to her child, she would not be traipsing all over the continent telling others that she made a ‘mistake’ and they should not do what she did because it will ruin their lives. Hmm, I guess that alone explains why she will need the money – to pay for her son’s counselling when he is trying to grapple with being considered a ‘mistake’ for the rest of his little life. The child deserves better than that. Teenagers deserve better as well... not someone from a ‘famous’ privileged family spewing platitudes at them that are nothing more than ‘Do as I say, not as I do... because I already have the market cornered on this’. It’s one hell of a way to line the pockets though. Guess the apple... well... you know. Drill Baby Drill... truly a Palin motto.

DATELINE: FRANCE, A FREE AND DEMOCRATIC LAND – UNLESS YOU WEAR A BURQA – From those same people who brought you the Peugot and Camembert cheese comes the latest contribution from France – ‘Burqa rage’. This one we could have lived without. While shopping the other day, a Muslim woman, a young woman of 26 who had made the conscience decision to convert to the religion, was approached by a woman raging about a fellow shopper wearing a veil. The raging woman, a 60-year-old lawyer, no less, then reached out and ripped off the veil, voicing her opinion that the law to prohibit them should already be in effect. By all accounts, the Muslim woman had done nothing to cause this bullshit reaction from a woman who is sworn to uphold laws and protect human rights. When the Muslim woman retaliated and tried to get her veil back, the lawyer’s daughter then also stepped into the fray. In the end, all three women were arrested, the Muslim woman being charged with common assault, the charges pressed by the bitch lawyer who started the whole fucking thing. The Muslim woman has accused the lawyer of racial and religious assault. Well, ain’t this a lovely situation. I wonder if the bitch lawyer would walk up to a Catholic nun and rip off her wimple for the same reason... that it represses a woman’s freedom and dignity. Yes, nothing says ‘let’s give them freedom and dignity’ by allowing them to be attacked while shopping because of what they wear. There is no way to disguise this – it is absolute outright discrimination and religious persecution, and this from the country that claims to have given the world ‘constitutional separation of church and state’ AND the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Apparently they also give us, based on those two claims, the living definition of hypocrite. There is nothing to be gained by banning the burqa other than to propagate more hate. Well done, Sarkozy... what a fucking sexist chauvinistic hate-monger you turned out to be.

DATELINE: PAKISTAN – Nope, I can’t even come up with a smart-ass dateline for this one because I am too busy smacking my head in disbelief, and to be totally frank (which some might find unusual for me) there are NO right parties in this one... it’s just a whole lot of stupid on every side of the board. The Pakistan high court has ordered that Facebook be blocked throughout their whole country. The government had already ordered that an offensive page be blocked, but that was overturned, and the whole site has become forbidden. The page that kicked all this off? Well, it is called ‘Everybody Draw Mohammed Day’. Now, as you all recall, I TOTALLY supported Boobquake because of the entirely dumbass premise offered by Iranian clerics who obviously had their heads up their asses and who totally fear women because we might have brains as well as boobs (unlike the clerics who have two heads and neither one housing a brain). Boobquake was about stopping religious persecution and did not fly in the face of any accepted religious premise. Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, however, is about nothing more than taunting an entire religion and ridiculing the beliefs of that religion, the one belief that is a founding principle of their faith... and that is just ignorant. While I understand that it was a fun thing for some, and for some it spoke to the freedom of religion, in a time when religious tolerance and education are so very important, this was not the way to prove a point. Bookquake was about dumbass clerics, and in my world, every cleric, especially the dumbass ones, are fair game. The defiling of a critical deity to any religious group, though, crosses the line to religious hate propagation. That said, the reaction of the Islamic Lawyers Forum and the Lahore High Court are equally as ridiculous and detrimental to society. The government’s original move to block the page in question was arguably logical; the decision to appeal and push for the blocking of the entire site, however, is a dangerous precedent. The decision robs the people of Pakistan, all people including those who are not Muslim, the right to access public communication and information, and that is also wrong... although I suppose no one has ever accused the Pakistan government of actually embracing the ideals of democracy and human rights. Losers: everyone in this story, in every possible meaning of the word.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 18th, 2010 -- HAPPY 100th BLOG

DAILY NEWS – MAY 18th, 2010

DATELINE: UP TO THEIR ASSES IN OIL – Crap shoots and condoms are still the only plans of the day for stopping that fucking gusher in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico – bandaids at best while wildlife and livelihoods suffocate because of it. On the good side, it seems that there is no ONE person to blame for this. Inspections were not done, maintenance was not completely done, the oil company tried to cut corners, the hallmark of a true corporate entity in the world these days, and government regulatory bodies allowed them to cut corners. Amidst the updates for today is word that the oil spill has reached the loop current, that wonderful special spot in the ocean where the warmest waters swoop out of the Gulf, around the panhandle and up the eastern coast where the oil can contaminate that much more. It essentially means that the spill would become uncontainable at that point. There is also word that President Obama has, by executive order, called for a presidential commission to look into all aspects of this disaster, and yes, this is a fucking disaster. Among other things, the commission would review oil industry practices, rig safety, regulation and government oversight. The role of the MMS will also be reviewed, and none too soon. Let’s not forget the fact that MMS’s own records show they were negligent in their inspections of the Deepwater Horizon, so what the hell were they doing to earn the money they were being paid, other than kissing the asses of oil executives? Sadly it seems the only ones NOT under the gun on this would be the folks at Halliburton, those wonderful people who brought us the War in Iraq, who are still pocketing millions of dollars paid for with the lives of soldiers and civilians. It’s amazing how quietly they just keep running along in the fucking background, unquestioned and unaccountable as long as they bring in the fucking money.

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTES – In a case that only adds emphasis to the fact that parenthood should require formal training and minimum qualifications, 24-year-old Matthew Brace tried to trade his 3-month-old daughter for two 40-ounce cans of beer. He was waiting outside a gas station convenience store while his wife was inside buying cigarettes and offered the child to a maintenance man working outside the building. Now, I have no fucking idea how long it takes to buy a package of cigarettes, because as you all know by now, I have no fucking vices, however, this man managed to find the time to almost die of thirst, because no other excuse would possibly work, THEN the maintenance man had time to phone the police, and THEN shit-for-brains Brace had time to take the baby and run to hide behind the fucking garbage can. Brace has been charged with reckless endangerment, the child has been taken into custody by state welfare. Somebody PLEASE check the water out there to see what the fuck is in it to make people do this stupid shit. That HAS to be the reason because its hard to believe people can be this stupid naturally.

DATELINE: ARIZONA – Just when you think the Catholic church cannot be any more irresponsible or asinine, they manage to up their game. Sister Margaret McBride was the administrator of St Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix, a Catholic hospital, was reprimanded and demoted because she participated in the decision to perform an abortion that was necessary to save the mother’s life. Let me say this again... a young woman, pregnant and suffering from extreme pulmonary hypertension went to a hospital, a Catholic hospital, for medical help necessary to save her life, and because she was offered that help, she and the nun who worked there were excommunicated. So, lemme get this straight: it is okay to physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually abuse children, to destroy their lives by this action, as long as the abuse was committed by a priest, BUT for a woman who is distressed and who’s life hangs in the balance to receive what was deemed by ALL protocols and staff as a necessary medical treatment, she deserves the ultimate penalty dished out by the Catholic Church. For starters, where the hell does the church get off telling ANYONE at a hospital that they cannot provide a necessary medical procedure? Seriously, if I am in distress, do I now have to stop and debate what hospital to go to because I might be refused treatment based on religious dogma? Bishop Olmsted, in charge of the diocese where the hospital is located, stated “An unborn child is not a disease. While medical professionals should certainly try to save a pregnant mother’s life, the means by which they do it can never be by directly killing her unborn child. The end does not justify the means.” Well, asshole, if the mother dies, and she is the vessel for the baby, the baby also dies. Now you have two people dead. Does this same logic apply to transplant cases, where the heart might be removed from one tragically dying child to save the life of another tragically dying child? Would they and their parent and the hospital staff also be excommunicated for their actions, because surely removing the heart from a child would accelerate death. But even more ignorant is that you dare to lay this crap, this religious bullshit on the doorstep of a woman who is probably suffering enough already, who could well be emotionally devastated that she lived at the expense of her child. Nothing like adding on the pain and... well... abuse. This is wrong, it is inexcusable, and it is about time this crap stopped. Why not try, just for the hell of it, to preach about love and understanding, about acceptance and respect, about faith... and forget all the other political and power-struggling bullshit.

DATELINE: ONLY IN FUCKING HOLLYWOOD – Whew! Charlie Sheen will be back in Two and a Half Men. The news broke and the sun started to shine all over the continent, because there were billions of people hoping and praying every day that we would not lose that Monday night show. Of course, the dollar amount wasn’t revealed, but seriously, we all knew it was about the fucking money and nothing else. Charlie Sheen wanted to concentrate on his film career and family? Gimme a fucking break. I am sure that while he is dealing on one phone with his agent for another big movie gig, in the other hand is the phone where he is pleading with jail officials to please please please let him have his cigarettes in jail, despite the fact that no inmate has been allowed to smoke in jail for 15 years. They are also working to get his time to serve reduced from 45 days, but he will do it if he has to. He can be a brave little soldier, own up, repent, use the 45 days to reflect on his life and the choices he’s made... or he will spend them breathing a sigh of fucking relief because by doing the time, he reduces his probation period afterwards, and god knows, he would not be able to keep his nose clean for two whole years. Two years! That’s a fucking lifetime by Sheen’s standards. Just as well, because what the hell else would I have to blog about if he was expected to not fuck up for that length of time?

Sunday Sermon with Reverend Dillinger Flaitwaker

It was a dark and stormy night.

People of faith unite behind the new King of Kings. I saw him-his name is Bernie. He is a cornyoucopeyeah of various colors, feathers, long flowing gown which was vermillion with a beige interior. He is striking to say the least. If you as yet have not seen him allow me to succle your voracious curiosity re: our new King of Kings. He is of average height for a King-about eight foot two. Tan of skin I would say with a long slightly elevated proboscus and large-very large nostrils. Two furious eyes sit atop this symbol, deeper blue than a good Greek grotto, eyebrows flaming orange that do not intersect at the bridge of his nose but rather collide. Of course he is without hair of any kind which I have heard is also quite the God trend these days. Wings, huge damn black wings. About a twenty foot span I reckon. So the question I hear you all asking-how the hell you know if this turd is our new King of Kings? Yes, yes I hear your mumbles which are not yet screams but soon will be on the day of reckon-oystering. Next paragraph.

He said he was and he performs miracles as well which are they say at least marginally telling. He has made light where there was none. He has held the small child broken, dead. Touched its forehead with long gentle finger which made the child live once again. He forgot to mend the broken bones and the burns, but, hell half assed miracles are still miracles right? I heard he shed a long tear over ruddy cheeks as the little brat crawled away and eventually was killed again by a rabid snail. That of course was Lucy's work-the bitch never learns and keeps on and on admousoleum. As I said he did many wonderous things. He created a span across the Rubeyecon bridging hatred from one religion to the other so that it was easier for the haters to kill one another and so grow closer to him. Yes, yes there were a whole lot of naked broads who were almost virgins walking behind him and on occasion flying with him. Now if that is not a damned miracle what the hell is right? New Paragraph.

He is heading your way my children. I am making ready the highway of our God because every valley shall be annointed and every mountain and hill made low which is not so good for ski people, flooding and general global warming but another sure sign to be ready as I am. When he comes I am going to kill him with an ass load of buckshot. I kinda like Lucy's world. Hell at least I get regular sex from a nice and pretty broad and to tell you the truth them naked broads with wings? I think sticking to the lower road is perhaps better for me. So you see once again your Reverend Dillinger will save you all and kill the King of Kings. I shall be with you my children in your hours and hours and hours of need.

If you want this to be the last Sunday Sermon which most of you I think do, send money. Lots of it. I gotta live for a long time right?

Love Reverend D and the deesciples of earthly pomegranites and shit like that!

DAILY NEWS – MAY 12th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 12th, 2010

DATELINE: ANN ARBOR, 50 YEARS AGO – In an attempt to ‘close the achievement gap between white and black students’, a school principal came up with a truly stunning plan... he would create yet another gap, and then be outraged at the response. Lemme explain. Principal Mike Madison arranged for a field trip for some young students. They were to go to hear a black rocket scientist speak to them, to learn about his successes, his challenges. But instead of sending all the students in the class, he allowed only the black children to go, and he says he doesn’t regret that because ‘as I reflect upon the look of excitement, enthusiasm and energy that I saw in these children’s eyes as they stood in the presence of a renowned African American rocket scientist in a very successful position, it gave the kids an opportunity to see this type of achievement is possible even for them’. It’s a wonderful feeling, to see a child inspired, but why just one group? What about the Hispanic students? Were they allowed to go, or not? What about Muslim students? Or Jewish students? Why would one child be more worthy of that inspiration than another? Would not a black child get the same message while sharing the experience with friends who are not black? Instead, we take a group of 5th-graders, and we tell them that because of their skin color, they are more or less deserving of inspiration and dreams. This was absolutely reprehensible in the past. People have worked long hours to fight for the cause of equality, to teach people that their race, color, religion are not issues to be judged on, and yet here is a principal in a school doing just that. Nothing like setting the cause back 50 years for a new generation. The proof of the pudding? Well, when the bus transporting the children who were privileged enough to go returned to the school, the other children booed them. We are talking about 5th-graders, for God’s sake. How else would you expect them to react? How else would you expect them to feel? This small step by a man with incredibly poor judgment in Ann Arbor, was nothing more than a giant step backwards for the cause of equal rights... and more importantly, for equal, mutual respect among people.

DATELINE: IN A DINGY, PROBABLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA -- A few days ago I blogged about the Somali pirates that had taken the Russian oil tanker hostage, and how the Russians managed to free the ship and the men on it, but that they were going to return the pirates to Somalia rather than prosecute them in Russia. Well, in an interesting turn of events, it would seem that instead of taking the pirates into custody at all, they were tossed into an inflatable boat and set adrift... just as the pirates used to do back in those wonderful days hundreds of years ago when they captured a prize and didn’t want the crew. International reaction to the news of no prosecution by the Russians was one of surprise, but the surprise at this development seems to have had even more impact. The pirates were given a radio beacon, but the Russian ship lost contact with that after one hour, so they assume the dingy went down with all men aboard. I cannot imagine that to be left to drown in the ocean would be a pleasant way to go, however, there is also the possibility that these pirates were picked up, free as birds, by some of the other pirates that frequent those shipping corridors. So, just how was justice served here? If there was not enough evidence to convict the pirates, as the Russians claim (although them forcefully taking a ship and then being captured in the process of taking said ship should have been pretty compelling evidence to start with), then how do they know the pirates should have been facing death by drowning and shark snacks? And if they were guilty, and they were rescued along the way, it is one hell of an example of what happens to pirates when captured... absolutely nothing. Well done. The next people attack, captured and killed by Somali pirates will know exactly who to thank... those Russians.

DATELINE: ISTANBUL, NOT CONSTANTINOPLE – I love this... a story we can all embrace. Under a flood of complaints about tuneless, terrible calls to prayer, Istanbul’s head of religious affairs came up with a totally brilliant idea. He arranged for the imams and muezzins to take singing lessons. The call to prayer is meant to be beautiful and reflective, but the off-beat, tone-deaf cat-in-a-street-fight noises had everyone in the city cringing. Already Imams are feeling the difference, are rejoicing more in their call to prayers. There are some though, who sadly will just never be able to improve, BUT they are at least trying, and the plan is creating a new peace over the city. Well done.

DATELINE: LONDON – The trial in a case where an eight-year-old girl was raped has now gotten underway; the accused? Two boys who were ten at the time of the attack. The boys had taken the girl, who they knew well, to a secluded field near their block of flats. The girl’s mother had gone looking for her when she did not come home with her little sister. She asked one boy, a little brother of one of the accused, and was told that the girl was in the field and the boys were hurting her. The girl was found and taken to hospital when she complained of stomach pains. Two ten-year-olds... what the hell is our society coming to?

DATELINE: THE GULF OF MEXICO – A new containment box, this one smaller than the last so it can be heated with water and methanol, is now being lowered onto the blown-out oil well on the seabed. On Thursday, remote controlled robots will try to position it over the leak, and BP still plans to go ahead with their ‘junk shot’ of using high pressure to shoot garb into the valve to plug it. The irony of shooting chewed-up tires and golf balls into an exploding hole in the ground is sickening. The back-up for both these plans is still the drilling of a relief well to take pressure off the gusher and allow it to be capped. However, that will not happen for about another three months, and by that time, the damages will be incalculable. While fishermen work frantically to harvest what catches they can in an attempt to not lose everything they own, six dead dolphins have washed ashore. This is the time of year they would be in shallow waters to give birth. This is also the time when sea turtles, also being found dead on shores, are preparing to lay their eggs, and when manatees start to migrate back towards the sea. While there is some hope that sea birds can be helped, for those animals that live totally in the water, where human contact won’t happen until it is too late to help them, this is a signed and sealed death warrant.

DAILY NEWS – MAY 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 11th, 2010

DATELINE: IN THE CORNER HOOKAH LOUNGE – In a totally fucking shocking study (NOT!) it has been discovered that smoking a hookah pipe can be bad for your health. The water pipes are not considered ‘smoking’ under the terms of most cigarette banning legislation, so they are experiencing a surge in popularity – well, that and the fact they look totally kick-ass and naughty! Because of the process used with the water and the steam, lab experiments show that in fact the tar and carcinogenic content is even higher in hookah steam than it is in cigarette smoke. It is estimated that about 23% of the population between the ages of 18 and 24 have smoked a water pipe, and the incidents are rising as the legal loophole of use in public areas becomes known, but few are aware of the dangers associated with using the hookah. The same study showed that hookah users are more likely to be involved with the use of cigarettes, marijuana, drugs and alcohol... so my guess is that they probably don’t give a rat’s ass about dangers anyways.

DATELINE: IN THE CENTERFOLD, WITH A STAPLE IN HER NAVEL -- When you go to buy your monthly copy of Playboy this month, you are in for a BIG surprise! This edition will come complete with 3-D glasses. Imagine those boobs poking right off the page! It could make a guy want to reach out and touch em, except one hand will be holding the mag and the other will be trying to keep the fucking glasses on your nose, because they did not spring for the good ones, but rather the cardboard red and blue kiddy ones. Without the glasses, your centerfold will be nothing more than a fuzzy blob on the page, but what the hell? Anything to prop up the ratings for the slumping skin mag, I guess.

DATELINE: BEFORE A SENATE COMMITTEE, LYING THEIR ASSES OFF – Last November, Walter D Cruikshank, deputy director of the Minerals Management Service, sat in front of a Senate committee that was looking into safety issues with off-shore drilling. In light of the incident in East Timor last year, one not so different from the one currently happening in the Gulf of Mexico, US politicians thought the should have some answers, so they held a little hearing. In that hearing, Cruikshank was confident that because of tighter regulations in the US, the same could not happen here, because all wells have safety devices that would shut off the flow of oil in the event of a disaster. At this same hearing, David Rainey, a vice president of BP, claimed they had ‘blowout preventer technology, which includes redundant systems and controls.” Amid their claims of being a high-tech industry though, it has not been overlooked that their methods for dealing with the disaster are far from high-tech. Instead they are oil booms and dispersant – methods that are at least twenty years old – all delivered in a ‘fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants’ fashion. While I realize it would be hard to anticipate an explosion such as that on the Deepwater Horizon last month, why in the name of all that is fucking holy have these oil whiz-kids not come up with better ways of dealing with the damned spills once they occur? Why are we doing this on-the-fucking-job training and experimenting? When you have the unmitigated gall to charge me $1.10/liter for gasoline, please tell me that at least a penny or two of that is going to help find ways to contain slicks when they happen, that there is at least a modicum of concern and respect for the world we live in despite the fact you love to ram us and line your pockets all at the same time. Maybe this time, with the Senate committee hearings that are starting today, there will be some honest answers, although I won’t be holding my breath for that.

DATELINE: ROME – Pope Benedict said a mouthful this morning, and almost all of it totally fucking laughable. He is on his way to Portugal to help people there deal with the current economic strife. He acknowledged that ‘the greatest persecution of the church does not come from outside enemies, but is born of sin within the church’... well, coming from those same people who brought you the crusaded AND the inquisition, I guess he knows persecution when he sees it, BUT still he only offers that we must pray and forgive. Nowhere in there does he mention turning the sick bastards over to police, prosecution or incarcerations, and until he does, his words have no credibility at all. According to his spokesman, auxiliary bishop of Lisbon Carlos Azevedo, ‘The moral values guiding the economy and politics show there is a spiritual crisis’. Again, they should know, considering the moral values guiding the church right now, and subsequent said spiritual crisis. Azevedo went on to say that the pope wants to convey ‘a message of hope which says it is possible, if we are guided by ethical and spiritual values, to find paths to a new future’, and that the pope wants to ‘awaken slumbering Christians and also, to some extent, a Europe whose values have become somewhat decadent, to different values’. Yes, the Pope is accusing people of slipping into the acceptance of decadent behaviour. I guess he oughta know all about that shit. Here is what truly amazes me about this whole situation: while I accept that pedophilia is not confined to the catholic church, that other churches also have their issues to deal with, the catholic church continuously takes a ‘holier than thou’ attitude towards all, and then they accuse others and tell them what they are doing wrong, while they continue on their merry fucking way doing the same thing they are condemning others for. The Catholic Church has become nothing more than a poster child for hypocrisy, offering empty words and lacklustre lip service, all to cover their own asses and still allow them to get their rocks off. ‘Persecution’, ‘decadence’, ‘moral and spiritual crisis’ – pot, meet kettle. Oye.

DATELINE: PIP, PIP, STIFF UPPER LIP TOWN – As Britain deals with their hung parliament (welcome to THAT fucking club) and the prospect of increased debt because of the bailout for the Greeks, we should all sit back and have a nice cuppa. There is much to be learned from this situation. For starters, there is that totally fucking hawty Nick Clegg, the man who puts the va-voom back into morning tabloids and has people the world over asking ‘what the fuck is a Lib-Dem?’ Not since the days of Maggie Thatcher have there been so many people looking lustily towards Downing Street, where, in our heads, we all imagine that beautiful man to be one day. I am so totally jealous of David Cameron and the coalition he is about to form, because there is some seriously hawt coalitioning to do with that handsome handsome man. If only Clegg talked like Antonio... **sigh* However, in typical British fashion (I know, because I researched this by watching The Antiques Roadshow from some castle over there this weekend), they will sip their tea, and no matter what happens, they will be neither surprised nor excited. They sill simply shrug, just like the lady who was told her fecking tea pot was worth 500,000 pounds, ‘oh, that’s rather lovely, isn’tit?’

Daily News – May 10TH, 2010

Daily News – May 10TH, 2010

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF ‘WILL WE EVER FUCKING LEARN’ -- In the wake of the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon and subsequent oil spill disaster that is still gushing unchecked, Chevron has started drilling their new deepwater well off the coast of Newfoundland. No worries, though, because according to the CBC, Chevron ‘promises they will be careful’. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. They will be careful. Well, I will rest much easier now, as will the puffins and whales and lobsters and everything else living along the east coast. Chevron says that despite the fact that this will, the deepest in Canadian waters, will be a full kilometre deeper than the Deepwater Horizon was, and will be in infinitely colder and rougher waters, they have done a complete review... of themselves and their processes... and THAT should be enough to ensure nothing can happen. And even after the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, Chevron says that there are no changes necessary to how they will be doing their drilling because ‘...the systems, the equipment, the processes, the people and the skills’ are all hunky-dory. There has been no mention of an Acoustic Switch, the remote controlled shut-off at the ocean floor that is meant for catastrophic situations, and there has been no mention by Comrade Harper and his Gang of Merry Men about requiring one, because, well, god forbid we fuck with an oil company. Chevron promises to have people watching though; I imagine that will be just like all those people with BP who sat and watched the fucking oil consume the Gulf for the last two weeks. Perhaps we should make sure they have some tax-payer funded popcorn to chow down on while ‘watching’, cause once the shit starts to happen, that seems to be the extent of what they are able to do while water is contaminated and animals by the thousands die.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF THE GULF OF MEXICO CLUSTERFUCK -- The giant con-dome of hope didn’t work to contain the oil spewing from the seabed. Crystallized hydrates clogged the top of the structure and made it buoyant. It was a neat idea, although one that had never been tried in such deep water, and so some of the complications that came up were unforeseen. I commend them for trying the idea, because something has to be done before all coastal life there is wiped out. So, while they continue to drill relief wells that could take up to three months to get into place (Plan A) and they continue to overcome the problems with their concrete dome (Plan B), they will now work on a Plan C – stuff the whole with crap and hope that it clogs. Yes, this is the science we are now looking at... let’s jettison some shredded tires and old golf balls and other crap like that, and cram it into the end of the pipe, sorta like sticking wadded up panties into the mouth of a volcano. While I applaud the creativity, it does nothing to stop the surge of total fucking rage within me that NO ONE bothered to consider what would happen ‘if’... well, they did, but the fucking piece of equipment that very well could have been their saving grace cost a whole $500,000, and god forbid money gets pissed away on something so totally frivolous. Oil companies should be REQUIRED BEFORE starting to drill to provide detailed disaster relief plans that do consider the unlikely, properly thought out plans that don’t leave the fate of a whole fucking ecosystem hanging on the hopes of pressurized crap. Perhaps they should be sending invites to SpongeBob Squarepants to come and help, because seriously, that makes about as much fucking sense, and at least he would do it with a song in his heart.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CLUSTERFUCKS – The Pope has accepted the resignation of German Bishop Walter Mixa. Mixa was accused of hitting children in his care, and of making funny business with the books for the orphanage. Yes, this man is accused of stealing money from orphans, because apparently one way or another, the kids are gonna get fucked. According to canon law, a member of the clergy can resign ‘because of illness or some other grave reason’ (apparently the only other ‘grave’ reason would be that the guy died) or if he has ‘become unsuited for the fulfillment of his office’ (which seems to assume he was suited for it at some point, which in light of recent developments, seems questionable). Funny enough, though, there is NOTHING from Rome about them requesting the police to investigate either the assaults or the theft/fraud – it’s just fucking business as usual for them; so much more the pity.

May 9th, 2010 -- SUNDAY SERMON WITH REVER-END DILLINGER

SUNDAY SERMON with the REVER-END DILLINGER FLAIKWAITER

Good and fine Sunday morning to you all, my most favored children. I will speak to you on this most holy of days about love, about kindness, charity, and faith. Out of love, kindness is born and as the child of love grows, charity becomes the nature of life and faith is born each day in the hearts of the believing child. The church is a creation of man, whereas faith/spirituality is the creation of the Lord God Almighty. We must be wary of the church for it is with this use of guilt that the most evil of places can become the heart of mankind. Trust this, my children, for as you are born with not a need other than the suckle of the tit, you die with naught but the need for like suckle. Is this not true? We are kept in line (the relatively sane ones among us) by rules created to bequeeth to us the peace of doing as we are told in a most righteous fashion. Is this not the truth? Do we grow old and lose the suckled tit or do we seek it as men for the rest of our lives? God is our tit and so must be suckled in the most feared art and fashion. You must have fear, for without it you are not to be contolled. Is this not the truth?

Listen, my children, to the still small voice of your spirit, that which screams to you and is left as a waif, unheard and ignored. This is the voice of God, of the desire to be with some creature greater than ourselves which we cannot understand other than to look to the leaders and the herds that follow, for that is what we are; herds of aimless children seeking a righteous leader to quell our fears and acknowledge each our greatness and likeness to the Lord God Almight, as we were and are fashioned in his likeness. Makes you wonder, does it not? We are physical likenesses of God, not of the lower creatures that roam with no conscience and have nothing to lose but life. We, on the other hand, are blessed with immortal life as is our most loving God. Is this not the truth? Makes you wonder, I should think. It does me for damned sure. So kiddos, we are the likeness of the Lord, yet not of his spirit or immortal concept. We are his Jerry Mahoneys and Knucklehead Smiffs, the Charlie Macarthys to his Bergan. We are as the wood, dead, not of the Godly, alive forever and all-knowing as He. Makes ya wonder? It sure as hell does me!

So, in closing, ignore the chastizing of the righteous and seek the peace of the unknowing evil doer. There simply is no God. He was created to placate the idiots, to control and beget mammon. There is no God, so go out to the throngs and show love, charity, kindness and faith. For if there is no God, you shall be rewarded in the egocentrictic foibles not understandable by the minions of the power mongers. You shall prove that love, kindness, charity and faith are an indemic sickness in the heart of the beast. There but for the grace of God is our mind, our brain, our need to conjure the spirit to irradicate hatred, evil and such. Or what the hell.

MAYBE THERE IS A GOD WHO CHUCKLES AT HIS DUMMIES OR EVEN HOLDS THEM CLOSE WITH ARMS OF LOVE AS HE TORTURES HIS HERD!

ME? GIMME FOUR FINGERS OF GLEN LIVET AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

DAILY NEWS – May 8th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DAILY NEWS – May 8th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DATELINE: DOING A GAY PLIE’ -- What could be more cliché than telling the story of Elton John’s life… in a ballet. Sir Elton approached the Alberta Ballet company about doing his story after seeing what they managed to do with Joni Mitchell’s life in 2007. The music was his selection, the money, $1.2M, he gave them free rein over. From ballet to acrobatics, roller-skating to pirouettes done on six-inch stilettos, this one seems to have everything. And what could be more Elton John than feathers, sequins, flash and florescence, and of course, crazy-ass glasses? If the ballet does well… ie, if Sir Elton comes to see it and gives it his seal of approval… the company could take the show on the road – sort of a Hello Yellow Brick Road thing. In the words of the show’s producer, ‘It’s really like a Fellini meets burlesque to vaudeville, three-ring Elton John circus kind of production”. I now have one question… well, more than that, but one burning one. Why in the name of all that is fucking holy did they call the damned thing Love Lies Bleeding? The man had a billion number one songs. There is no one who hasn’t heard at least one, so why not use one of the billion songs that people know? Or give us something about what the show is about in the title… like Puppetry of the Penis, or The Vagina Monologues… Those are titles you can sink your teeth into.

DATELINE: BOOBVILLE – And I ain’t just talking the anatomical boobs. Heidi Montag was taking the new puppies, a nice set of F-cups, out for a walk, showing them off, when Ryan Seacrest, that master of tact and diplomacy, told her that they didn’t look that big. Well, thank you very much, Ryan, because NOW we have to read stupid fucking stories about how upset she was. But no worries, readers, because what does the stupid fucking idiot with too much money do in such situations? They decide to get even more bigger tits. Yes, Montag will get another 100 cc’s of crap injected into her boobs, because she figured that already they were too small again. In fact, she wanted to ‘punch the doctor in the face’ after her last procedure because when she woke up, she knew they were too small. I guess that means she could still see her fucking toes. News flash, Bimbo – Boob size and IQ are not proportional. On the good side, when she does decide to ever have a kid, she won’t even have to be in the same room to nurse the little boobette (although, ya know, with all that chemical ooze in there, you might be better off bringing in a real cow for the kid to suckle). And when those puppies start to sag, she can attach swiffers to her nipples and never have to vacuum again.

DATELINE: PRICKVILLE -- Roman Polanski is now arguing that the information in the extradition files is incomplete, or inaccurate, or some legal bibble-babble like that. Of course, the feckless prick will resort to anything just to avoid accepting his penalty, because, well, he is one of the beautiful people, and so the laws regarding the planned drugging and raping of a little girl should not be applied to him. He’s a producer, ya know! Geesh. No matter how you cut it, this man is a sick bastard who belongs behind bars for what he did, and because he is also one of the most profound fucking cowards on the face of the earth, that is all the more reason to lock him up, because cowards will do anything to save their own asses. Polanski, you chicken shit prick, you raped a CHILD. Save your fucking pleading and sob story and legal loopholing because it really is not so fucking impressive. How about saving us from having to read all this crap every couple days by growing a set of balls and standing up like a fucking man? (of course, I know that’s a rhetorical. Sorry for such a ridiculous suggestion.)

DATELINE: ON THE ROAD TO THE CROWBAR HOTEL -- Well, it seems that Charlie Sheen has had a busy, busy week. First, there was much debate about his divorce from wife Brooke. The two have been sharing rehab appointments … you know, the kind of shit that only the beautiful people can afford… and there are rumors that although their marriage is totally down the crapper and the two can’t stand to even look at each other, they are not getting a divorce because of the prenup, and the damage that prenup would cause to Charlie’s lifestyle. Lemme give you a minute to get out yer hankies, cause this is gonna be one sad story. Ready? Okay, then the details of the prenup were released to the media. Then, because of the whole rehab ‘beautiful people’ syndrome thing, Charlie’s last wife, Denise Richardson, was granted full custody of their two daughters, claiming that perhaps Charlie and Brooke might not be the best role models in the world. DUH! THEN, Charlie’s lawyers have suggested that perhaps it would be best for Charlie to do his 30 days in prison, despite the deal he worked out with prosecutors. Why? You ask? Well, it would seem that should Charlie go with the deal his lawyers originally worked out, it would require him to be on probation for two years, and, well, I rather doubt there is a bookie in the world who would give any odds that Mr. Sheen could manage a whole two years of keeping his nose clean. BUT you gotta admit the guy has game. Despite his earlier claims that he was done on his sit com, regardless of the money they were prepared to offer, even more rumors abound that he is working his ass off to negotiate his way to a few hundred thousand more per episode, proving once again that it ALWAYS comes back to the money, especially when you have $125K/month in payments to former wives. Okay, you can put the hankie away.

DATELINE: ON A STAGE MAKING US LAFF -- Sunda Croonquist is breathing a sigh of relief now, and probably working on a whole lot of new material for her upcoming stand-up gigs. The self-described half-black, half-Swedish comedienne drew on her own life experience for her routine, especially from her Jewish husband’s mother, sister and brother… well, she did, until they sued her because her jokes were… umm… making fun of them. Now what the hell would you expect from a comedienne? How the hell dare she make fun of her situation, going so far as to describe her sister-in-law’s voice as sounding like a cat in heat. In her ruling, the judge stated that the comments made by Croonquist were opinions, not statements of facts, and that she was more than entitled to her opinions. To come to this conclusion, she had to go through pages of comedy routines, probably laughing her ass off all the way. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking, suing family for being able to sell a good joke? Especially when the person telling the joke is married to the lawyer in the family? Oye!

DATELINE: IN SHERWOOD FOREST, WEARING TIGHTS – Not that I am anal about such things, but it is only one week until Russell Crowe’s new movie, Robin Hood, hits theatres. In the pre-release build-up in the media, though, it was suggested that Crowe was not a ‘leading man’ but just a good character actor. Thankfully smarter heads prevailed, explaining that he was BOTH a leading man AND a good character actor, a combination that is a rare and beautiful thing. Now, I might have a bit of a soft spot for Russell Crowe, BUT seriously, THIS was a fucking story about him? Cut the crap people. The public deserves much better from the media… like pictures. Just give us fucking pictures of him, okay. Maybe add a small sound bite, because he has that voice thing happening that could melt the panties off a nun, but quit with the lame-ass stories.

Yes, I'm Back! Didja miss me?

DAILY NEWS – May 7th, 2010

DATELINE: A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – Remember that kid’s song? Fans of Grover are probably humming the damned thing already. Today an attempt is being made to put a box on the hole on the bottom of the sea, right over top of that leaking oil well pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. On top of the box will be a hose that will connect to an oil tanker that will sit on the water above. While I applaud the men attempting this gargantuan task, I am still left with some concerns... like what the hell happens in two months, when they still haven’t actually fixed the damned leak, and the boats are sitting on top, and hurricane season arrives? And what about the other 15-20% of the oil that will still be escaping from the blown valve on the seabed? While it won’t be spewing the same 5000 barrels a day, it WILL be releasing about 1000 barrels of oil a day, the same amount that was estimated on Day 2 of this fucking debacle, the same amount that caused concern globally because of the huge amount of oil that was. I guess all things are relative, but tell that to the sea turtles, the manatees, the whales, the dolphins... tell that to the fishermen who make their living in that water, harvesting shrimp and tuna and oysters. This is the cost of getting into bed with the oil companies, and you ain’t seen nothing yet, because phase two will involved those OTHER asshole bottom-feeders, the insurance companies. I can’t help but notice the absence of Sarah Palin, her echoed chant of Drill Baby, Drill, silenced at least for now. Of course , we know that she has already firmly implanted on the prick of BP oil, her call being nothing more than orgasmic reassurance to the driller, and right now, it’s probably safe to assume that these days BP is having a bit of a time getting it up for her. No worries... with the help of oil-bought-and-paid-for government and some Viagra (I fucking love getting in a smart-ass obtuse reference to pharmaceutical companies, that other bottom-feeder) , it will be business as usual, BP will be humping their way back to the top, there will be no Acoustic Switches installed on the fucking wells in deep water, and Goldman Sachs will be back in the hot seat... such as it was. (YES! I got them all in one post... except the fecking Pope. Damn.)


DATELINE: ASSHOLES THAT SHOULD BE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – For too long now, Somali pirate have been running amok on international waters, pillaging and plundering wherever their hearts desire. Finally, early this week, Russian forces stormed a Russian oil tanker that had been taken hostage by pirates. Finally some of those rotten buggers were going to be stopped... until Russia let them go again this morning. I can hear you all asking ‘But why were they released? They were pirates.’ Of course they were, but thanks to slack-ass international laws and the inability of nations to do anything together anymore, Russia decided ‘Why should we feed some pirates?’ Yes, they did not want the expense of putting the assholes in jail because it of the length of time it takes to process them for court and because they don’t know what the hell to do with the pirates once their jail term is up. Well, folks, there is a simple answer to this, isn’t there? Don’t let the sons of bitches out... OR dedicate some small arctic island to be a Pirate haven, and just drop em there and let them all kill each other, as pirates may be wont to do. In all seriousness, the last ship that pirates seized was carrying over $55M dollars worth of cargo in the form of crude oil, something that would have created... lemme think... oh yeah, one hell of a fucking mess if the assholes in the driver’s seat happened to bump into something. Countries that have boats travelling the waters anywhere hear Somalia, like the one or two vessels that happen to pass through the Gulf of Aden each day, are spending huge amounts of money to have those waters patrolled, but the fact of the matter is that as long as the pirates are not even detained, it is a stamp of approval for them to carry on with procuring their ill-gotten booty. How the hell hard can it possibly be to come to some sort of international agreement about this shit? Oh wait... considering those other pirates, those lovely bankers wearing Goldman Sachs solid gold cufflinks, I suppose it’s rather stupid to suspect anyone will do anything about piracy anymore. Too bad the new pirates aren’t as endearing as Calico Jack and Anne Bonny.


DATELINE: SPEAKING OF ASSHOLES – We now know for certain where Osama bin Laden is hiding, and how did we find out? Years of undercover investigation and espionage, spy vs spy crap? Hell no. We got the tip from none other than that man of the hour, that pillar of honesty and handsome Boy-Scoutedness, **insert drum roll** Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Seriously, if Mahmoud says he knows, then he MUST, right? Because Mahmoud would never tell a lie. He’s sort of like George Washington that way... or was it Benedict Arnold? No matter... Mahmoud says that Bin Laden is hiding in the most clever of locations... Washington DC. Now, say what you will about the Iranian nut bar, but you have to admit that he’s ballsy, and once in a while, he does get a jab in there that just has to make you giggle. Why does he think that bin Laden is hiding in Washington? Well, “because he was a previous partner of Mr. Bush. They were colleagues, in fact, in the old days. You know that. They were in the oil business together. They worked together. Mr. bin Laden never cooperated with Iran but he cooperated with Mr. Bush.” He further explained his logic, and he did it without laughing his fucking head off. He suggested that since the US government invaded Adghanistan looking for bin Laden, they must have had intelligence he was there. “First they should have tried to find his location, then invade, those who did not know about his location first they invaded and then they tried to find out where he is, is that logic?” In the battle of the lying dummies, chalk one up for Mahmoud on the old leader board. Too bad he feels the need to dabble in nuclear proliferation and is wanting to get into bed with those other two wild and crazy... really, seriously crazy... guys Putin and Chavez. He keeps that up and those men with real balls will be taking care of him, quickly and quietly, like a mossad in the night, and then I won’t have anyone to entertain me... except Sarah Palin.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY ITS AN ASSHOLE THEME – What do you do when you are babysitting and the house starts fire? Twelve-year-old Aaliyah Braybrook thought that she should get the children and pets out and call 911 when it happened to her two years ago when one of her two small charges went into the bathroom and started to play with a cigarette lighter. This week, however, she learned she was wrong about that when she was served with legal papers. Yes, she and Douglas Mills, the father of the children she was babysitting are both being sued for $350,000. Mills apparently left a lighter where his son could get it, and never bothered to teach the five year old the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, and so he has been named in the suit. And Aaliyah? She was too young, too inexperienced and not sufficiently trained as a babysitter, according to the suit filed in court, despite the fact that she had taken courses in babysitting. Yes, the day of hiring a babysitter seems to be going right down the crapper. In an interesting twist, it seems that the claimants in the case are... wait for it... Douglas Mills’ parents, who lived in the trailer next door. Their trailer, apparently a Cadillac trailer worth $350,000, was slightly damaged in the fire. BUT in another exciting, yet slightly nauseating twist, the elder Mills couple knew nothing about the case that was filed in their names. Instead, their insurance company that had to pay out for repairs to their home, filed the suit on their behalf, hoping to reclaim the cost of damages (and them some) by bleeding the insurance company of the girl who rescued the two children. If there is anything that makes me want to puke, its greedy fucking asshole insurance companies... but yes, we have em. Not surprising, the names of the insurance providers involved are not being made public.

DATELINE: HOLY GIANT BEAVER, BATMAN!! – It has to be a giant beaver, the dream come true for every hot-blooded man with primal instincts for the hunt of old and a driving desire to run his hands through that magnificent pelt, that could make a dam this big. For all you who don’t speak Canadian, you are outta luck because I am not going to translate this... the damn is about 850 meters long... suffice to day that is one damned big dam. Scientists believe that the dam, visible in NASA satellite images, probably took about twenty years to build, a feat that requires much cooperation and coordination, and lots of beavers actually working. One wonders if we can’t send our fucking politicians there for a business lesson in how to get the dam job done.

SUNDAY SERMON WITH REVEREND DILLINGER

SUNDAY SERMON WITH REVEREND DILLINGER

This, my children, is a true story as most are. I have been asked and council the fine young ones who aspire to my greatness. Therefore I reveal a situation of greatness-my greatness-you are-that is, if you read last Sunday's Sermon, aware of my lady Hiawatha Hyacinth. I include my dear employee Werner, the sound man, and Dotty, his lady, simply as an adjunct which may cause mild humor in your hearts. This is an instructional sermon for those who care to learn-as to the rest of you, I have no worries for in a week you will have forgotten the true meaning of spiritual voracity.
Love,
the Reverend Dillinger Flakewaiter

I rose to the mount, surrounded by my disciples; Hiawatha Hyacinth, silver-black goddess glory, sat at my right. The devoted and the heretical sat side by side in pious silence. I raised my robed arms, my fine hands extended, a model for countless portraits; my flock imbibed of my long-haired Arian Jesusdom.

I loved my flock, was obsessed by the gift of their power. My own power came from rage, from the red, wind-blown sand that refused to cease, the burial covering that had destroyed the things I loved, creating the emptiness, love and its destruction ample fuel for my sermon’s fire.

“Poison!" My voice rolled out across the vastness of the stadium, echoing my pain, reverberating in the hearts and souls of the awed.

“Poison!” The second utterance was slower, the pause after it longer. I had studied the great orators of the century, had made my connection to them. “Musicians,” I would often remark to Hiawatha, “that’s what they were, Hiawatha. All of the great speakers were masters of tempo, of the pause, masters of the credo of up and down, of canting and recanting, of giving and taking. The words, Hiawatha,” I continued, “the words can be written by anybody, but the music, my angel, that is the demon, the god of a good speech, a good sermon, the thing that makes an audience, a congregation rupture, that makes them crazy with rage or sunlighted with love. It is all the same, my angel, it is all the same.”

“Poison! Not chemicals, not the juice of the forbidden fruit, but the root of all evil!” I leaned into the microphone, speaking barely above a whisper, enveloping my congregation in saccharine-voiced lulling. “Poison! Just a word, friends, a plate to put your food on, a place to park your car. Call it what you like, my children!” My voice raised slightly, touching the beginning of the next octave, then fell back to the not-yet. “Poison? Just a word?” The question insinuated itself softly into the ears of my listeners. “Poison is the reason you are here, my friends, the reason you have to look for a Savior whom the poison has made you deny, the Savior who lives inside each one of you?” Ebbing and flowing, the statement a question, the last word a signal to the cameraman that I was about to make the next prepared move.

I stood taller, leaning back from the dead pulpit microphone, a dummy, a foil to convince the audience that Reverend Flakewaiter's magnificent voice came directly from God and was amplified only by the power of the Lord. The body microphone which made this possible was controlled by a trained technician sitting in a sound booth.

The congregation sat up straight in their seats, rear ends slightly raised, thighs tensed, waiting for me to give them redemption, waiting to spring up and cheer their praise of the Lord and His disciple.

“Poison, my children, devil juice, the poison of hunger and thirst for God and country, for spiritual cleanliness, my children, for the untouched, unpoisoned life in the Lord you so sorely wish to live!” The technician adjusted a small dial; my voice echoed up just a little, taking on a slight metallic tinge. The more I chided my congregation, the more metal was given my voice. When I let my voice fall, settling back into a father mode, the sound technician would give it the placidity of a faithful cocker spaniel.

Werner, the sound man incidentally, was a genius with a switch. Otherwise, he was a weak, chain-smoking, Friar-Tuck-pated, ferret-faced, venal little man. His ears were so well attuned to my pacing that he no longer had to really listen; he could let his fingers do the walking through the godly Yellow Pages of the voice. I turned my arm, my wrathful index finger pointed against my congregation, so that each member of the flock felt personally singled out. Werner turned up the metal and lit up the last Camel in his pack. “Hey, Dotty!” he screamed at his assistant. Dotty Mangrove jumped up at the sound of Werner’s high-pitched voice. “Get on down to the bus, Dotty, and get me a couple more packs of cigarettes, would ya? They’re in the mike case down in the luggage compartment.” Dotty picked up her purse and handed Werner a pack of Camels. “Good on ya, Dotty, old thing!’ Werner grabbed the cigarettes out of his assistant’s hand, threw them up on top of the console, and went back to his boss’ program.

Dotty was slow, but she knew Werner was always running out of Camels, so she always kept some in her purse. Inevitably Werner ran out, and inevitably he was surprised anew by Dotty’s show of initiative, by the slight spark that still burned in her.

Werner was lucky; he had his ears and his fingers. Dotty was lucky; she had Werner. I had recognized that was all they had. I had used my knowledge to build their fidelity, bind them to me.

I panned over my audience. I raised my voice to them, my command, “Tell me of the children!” mere theatrical shaming; I knew there would be no answer. I waited. “Well, my children? What about the infants? Do they have poison in them? Do you have it? Are you feeding it to your babies?” I began to rail at my flock; Werner the sound man puffed up the volume, patting Dotty on the rear end with his other hand. “No? Is that the answer? Yes, you know it is!” I great-emancipatored my right arm; the left tucked itself somewhere into the folds of my silver robe.

Of course the truth is I was Hiawatha Hyacinth’s own personal earth devil, her own great, thick-ridged oak tree, its powers her own creation, its roots grown into her. My roots are massive water-searching things that suck at her water to replenish my spirit. She gazed up at me and shuddered, feeling the tension go out of her loins. Before the evening was over, she would feel it again and again.

“The infant child is born. He has hunger, he wails; he has thirst, he wails; he has a dirty diaper, he wails; he needs love?” I paused to let the great question sink in before Werner and I returned to the beginning of the second movement of our spiritual tone poem.

“No, children, the infant does not cry for love, because love is in him!” Subito screaming, I returned the pointed index finger, this time sweeping over the assembly from back to front. “Why are you here? Why are you like the infants? POISON!” The railing continued, the microphone now raised to peak tolerance. “POISON, the devil’s juice to make you hunger and thirst for what you already have! Poison, the confusion of your spirit by the demon that you let into you! Do you hunger? Do you thirst? The devil makes it so, tirades the doubt in you, makes you lust after the unattainable, the outside things. He forces you away from the infant, from the righteousness, from God’s perfection!”

I began weeping, shaking, I was grasping at my children. Hiawatha Hyacinth came a second time, the violence of the spasms wracking the small of her back. She gasped, grabbed her hair and pulled it hard, screaming for the glory of God, and wishing for later, when my roots would search for her water.

I slumped over the pulpit, my muscles trembling, my head against my chest. Practice had never helped me to overcome the ferocity of the adrenalin rush. Slowly my face, covered in sweat and tears, rose up again; I smiled gently at my children. “We need not hunger, we need not thirst, we must not allow the devil his due. God the Savior, the father of us all, has given us what we need. My children, he has not deserted us. He is inside each of us, right from our birth. We, his children, are one with the Lord, so why look outside? Why look to the Devil’s work?” I prayed my hands together, arrowing them straight-fingered toward heaven. I wagged my clasped hands at the congregation, tilting my head slightly to the side, becoming the father confessor, the beloved teacher of them all. My eyes became soft and loving, perpetuating gentleness, reassuring my flock that everything was going to be all right even if they were naughty sometimes.

I lowered my arms, each hand grasping an outside edge of the pulpit. “Why?” I asked gently, then paused, holding my breath, pumping up pressure to make my face turn into a blood-filled, moonlit rage. I exploded in a red rush of fury. “Because we are turning God’s world, heaven on earth, into the devil’s cesspool. And it is the fault of his own stupid, ungrateful offspring, millions of us, all whores living off the Lord and His gifts, living in drunken plenty under the raining tears of our Lord Jesus!”

Werner the sound man looked down at his crossed legs; the heels rested on the edge of the console. “Shit! I’m a stupid son of a bitch! I’ve got two different socks on!” He removed the cigarette from between his lips, surreptitiously lowering his legs so that Dotty would not notice his feet. While he controlled the ups and downs of my voice, Werner the sound man tried to figure out how he was going to get Dotty into bed without her discovering his two different-colored socks.

I repeated the question. “Why are you coming to me?” Once again, I looked and waited for the reply I knew would not come. “Get out of here! I want you to stand up and get out of here! Go up to the mountains, go down to the seas, go to the forests, go to each other, my children, and stare at it all, stare at yourselves and stare into the face of God!”

No one left the stadium, no one moved a muscle; Hiawatha Hyacinth strained to hold herself back. I was not afraid of losing my congregation to my demands; I knew they were a gutless lot, knew they would soon, after the temporary flight of stratospheric spiritual fantasy, settle back down into being the miserable weaklings I knew they were. “Do not wait for the train to come, my children. Do not stand and hope it won’t pass you by! Look to yourselves, and let the Lord guide you. Do not ask the questions outside, do not try to satisfy hunger or thirst outside, do not look for the righteousness of the Lord outside! He is within us, children; there are no questions to be asked, he is here, just waiting for us to call him up!” My face lit up with the joy of great discovery, the simplicity of the truth. Werner the sound man turned up the happy voices of the celestial choir of angels. Hiawatha Hyacinth stretched, vaginal exhaustion rendering her nearly unable to stand and sing along with my thunderous baritone. I was exalted; once again my audacity was rewarded with the love I crave. I sang louder, celebrating man’s incredible gullibility, his own blaspheming of the truth