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DAILY NEWS – May 7th, 2010

DATELINE: A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – Remember that kid’s song? Fans of Grover are probably humming the damned thing already. Today an attempt is being made to put a box on the hole on the bottom of the sea, right over top of that leaking oil well pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. On top of the box will be a hose that will connect to an oil tanker that will sit on the water above. While I applaud the men attempting this gargantuan task, I am still left with some concerns... like what the hell happens in two months, when they still haven’t actually fixed the damned leak, and the boats are sitting on top, and hurricane season arrives? And what about the other 15-20% of the oil that will still be escaping from the blown valve on the seabed? While it won’t be spewing the same 5000 barrels a day, it WILL be releasing about 1000 barrels of oil a day, the same amount that was estimated on Day 2 of this fucking debacle, the same amount that caused concern globally because of the huge amount of oil that was. I guess all things are relative, but tell that to the sea turtles, the manatees, the whales, the dolphins... tell that to the fishermen who make their living in that water, harvesting shrimp and tuna and oysters. This is the cost of getting into bed with the oil companies, and you ain’t seen nothing yet, because phase two will involved those OTHER asshole bottom-feeders, the insurance companies. I can’t help but notice the absence of Sarah Palin, her echoed chant of Drill Baby, Drill, silenced at least for now. Of course , we know that she has already firmly implanted on the prick of BP oil, her call being nothing more than orgasmic reassurance to the driller, and right now, it’s probably safe to assume that these days BP is having a bit of a time getting it up for her. No worries... with the help of oil-bought-and-paid-for government and some Viagra (I fucking love getting in a smart-ass obtuse reference to pharmaceutical companies, that other bottom-feeder) , it will be business as usual, BP will be humping their way back to the top, there will be no Acoustic Switches installed on the fucking wells in deep water, and Goldman Sachs will be back in the hot seat... such as it was. (YES! I got them all in one post... except the fecking Pope. Damn.)


DATELINE: ASSHOLES THAT SHOULD BE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA – For too long now, Somali pirate have been running amok on international waters, pillaging and plundering wherever their hearts desire. Finally, early this week, Russian forces stormed a Russian oil tanker that had been taken hostage by pirates. Finally some of those rotten buggers were going to be stopped... until Russia let them go again this morning. I can hear you all asking ‘But why were they released? They were pirates.’ Of course they were, but thanks to slack-ass international laws and the inability of nations to do anything together anymore, Russia decided ‘Why should we feed some pirates?’ Yes, they did not want the expense of putting the assholes in jail because it of the length of time it takes to process them for court and because they don’t know what the hell to do with the pirates once their jail term is up. Well, folks, there is a simple answer to this, isn’t there? Don’t let the sons of bitches out... OR dedicate some small arctic island to be a Pirate haven, and just drop em there and let them all kill each other, as pirates may be wont to do. In all seriousness, the last ship that pirates seized was carrying over $55M dollars worth of cargo in the form of crude oil, something that would have created... lemme think... oh yeah, one hell of a fucking mess if the assholes in the driver’s seat happened to bump into something. Countries that have boats travelling the waters anywhere hear Somalia, like the one or two vessels that happen to pass through the Gulf of Aden each day, are spending huge amounts of money to have those waters patrolled, but the fact of the matter is that as long as the pirates are not even detained, it is a stamp of approval for them to carry on with procuring their ill-gotten booty. How the hell hard can it possibly be to come to some sort of international agreement about this shit? Oh wait... considering those other pirates, those lovely bankers wearing Goldman Sachs solid gold cufflinks, I suppose it’s rather stupid to suspect anyone will do anything about piracy anymore. Too bad the new pirates aren’t as endearing as Calico Jack and Anne Bonny.


DATELINE: SPEAKING OF ASSHOLES – We now know for certain where Osama bin Laden is hiding, and how did we find out? Years of undercover investigation and espionage, spy vs spy crap? Hell no. We got the tip from none other than that man of the hour, that pillar of honesty and handsome Boy-Scoutedness, **insert drum roll** Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Seriously, if Mahmoud says he knows, then he MUST, right? Because Mahmoud would never tell a lie. He’s sort of like George Washington that way... or was it Benedict Arnold? No matter... Mahmoud says that Bin Laden is hiding in the most clever of locations... Washington DC. Now, say what you will about the Iranian nut bar, but you have to admit that he’s ballsy, and once in a while, he does get a jab in there that just has to make you giggle. Why does he think that bin Laden is hiding in Washington? Well, “because he was a previous partner of Mr. Bush. They were colleagues, in fact, in the old days. You know that. They were in the oil business together. They worked together. Mr. bin Laden never cooperated with Iran but he cooperated with Mr. Bush.” He further explained his logic, and he did it without laughing his fucking head off. He suggested that since the US government invaded Adghanistan looking for bin Laden, they must have had intelligence he was there. “First they should have tried to find his location, then invade, those who did not know about his location first they invaded and then they tried to find out where he is, is that logic?” In the battle of the lying dummies, chalk one up for Mahmoud on the old leader board. Too bad he feels the need to dabble in nuclear proliferation and is wanting to get into bed with those other two wild and crazy... really, seriously crazy... guys Putin and Chavez. He keeps that up and those men with real balls will be taking care of him, quickly and quietly, like a mossad in the night, and then I won’t have anyone to entertain me... except Sarah Palin.

DATELINE: APPARENTLY ITS AN ASSHOLE THEME – What do you do when you are babysitting and the house starts fire? Twelve-year-old Aaliyah Braybrook thought that she should get the children and pets out and call 911 when it happened to her two years ago when one of her two small charges went into the bathroom and started to play with a cigarette lighter. This week, however, she learned she was wrong about that when she was served with legal papers. Yes, she and Douglas Mills, the father of the children she was babysitting are both being sued for $350,000. Mills apparently left a lighter where his son could get it, and never bothered to teach the five year old the proper method of using a cigarette lighter, and so he has been named in the suit. And Aaliyah? She was too young, too inexperienced and not sufficiently trained as a babysitter, according to the suit filed in court, despite the fact that she had taken courses in babysitting. Yes, the day of hiring a babysitter seems to be going right down the crapper. In an interesting twist, it seems that the claimants in the case are... wait for it... Douglas Mills’ parents, who lived in the trailer next door. Their trailer, apparently a Cadillac trailer worth $350,000, was slightly damaged in the fire. BUT in another exciting, yet slightly nauseating twist, the elder Mills couple knew nothing about the case that was filed in their names. Instead, their insurance company that had to pay out for repairs to their home, filed the suit on their behalf, hoping to reclaim the cost of damages (and them some) by bleeding the insurance company of the girl who rescued the two children. If there is anything that makes me want to puke, its greedy fucking asshole insurance companies... but yes, we have em. Not surprising, the names of the insurance providers involved are not being made public.

DATELINE: HOLY GIANT BEAVER, BATMAN!! – It has to be a giant beaver, the dream come true for every hot-blooded man with primal instincts for the hunt of old and a driving desire to run his hands through that magnificent pelt, that could make a dam this big. For all you who don’t speak Canadian, you are outta luck because I am not going to translate this... the damn is about 850 meters long... suffice to day that is one damned big dam. Scientists believe that the dam, visible in NASA satellite images, probably took about twenty years to build, a feat that requires much cooperation and coordination, and lots of beavers actually working. One wonders if we can’t send our fucking politicians there for a business lesson in how to get the dam job done.