DAILY NEWS – MAY 11th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 11th, 2010

DATELINE: IN THE CORNER HOOKAH LOUNGE – In a totally fucking shocking study (NOT!) it has been discovered that smoking a hookah pipe can be bad for your health. The water pipes are not considered ‘smoking’ under the terms of most cigarette banning legislation, so they are experiencing a surge in popularity – well, that and the fact they look totally kick-ass and naughty! Because of the process used with the water and the steam, lab experiments show that in fact the tar and carcinogenic content is even higher in hookah steam than it is in cigarette smoke. It is estimated that about 23% of the population between the ages of 18 and 24 have smoked a water pipe, and the incidents are rising as the legal loophole of use in public areas becomes known, but few are aware of the dangers associated with using the hookah. The same study showed that hookah users are more likely to be involved with the use of cigarettes, marijuana, drugs and alcohol... so my guess is that they probably don’t give a rat’s ass about dangers anyways.

DATELINE: IN THE CENTERFOLD, WITH A STAPLE IN HER NAVEL -- When you go to buy your monthly copy of Playboy this month, you are in for a BIG surprise! This edition will come complete with 3-D glasses. Imagine those boobs poking right off the page! It could make a guy want to reach out and touch em, except one hand will be holding the mag and the other will be trying to keep the fucking glasses on your nose, because they did not spring for the good ones, but rather the cardboard red and blue kiddy ones. Without the glasses, your centerfold will be nothing more than a fuzzy blob on the page, but what the hell? Anything to prop up the ratings for the slumping skin mag, I guess.

DATELINE: BEFORE A SENATE COMMITTEE, LYING THEIR ASSES OFF – Last November, Walter D Cruikshank, deputy director of the Minerals Management Service, sat in front of a Senate committee that was looking into safety issues with off-shore drilling. In light of the incident in East Timor last year, one not so different from the one currently happening in the Gulf of Mexico, US politicians thought the should have some answers, so they held a little hearing. In that hearing, Cruikshank was confident that because of tighter regulations in the US, the same could not happen here, because all wells have safety devices that would shut off the flow of oil in the event of a disaster. At this same hearing, David Rainey, a vice president of BP, claimed they had ‘blowout preventer technology, which includes redundant systems and controls.” Amid their claims of being a high-tech industry though, it has not been overlooked that their methods for dealing with the disaster are far from high-tech. Instead they are oil booms and dispersant – methods that are at least twenty years old – all delivered in a ‘fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants’ fashion. While I realize it would be hard to anticipate an explosion such as that on the Deepwater Horizon last month, why in the name of all that is fucking holy have these oil whiz-kids not come up with better ways of dealing with the damned spills once they occur? Why are we doing this on-the-fucking-job training and experimenting? When you have the unmitigated gall to charge me $1.10/liter for gasoline, please tell me that at least a penny or two of that is going to help find ways to contain slicks when they happen, that there is at least a modicum of concern and respect for the world we live in despite the fact you love to ram us and line your pockets all at the same time. Maybe this time, with the Senate committee hearings that are starting today, there will be some honest answers, although I won’t be holding my breath for that.

DATELINE: ROME – Pope Benedict said a mouthful this morning, and almost all of it totally fucking laughable. He is on his way to Portugal to help people there deal with the current economic strife. He acknowledged that ‘the greatest persecution of the church does not come from outside enemies, but is born of sin within the church’... well, coming from those same people who brought you the crusaded AND the inquisition, I guess he knows persecution when he sees it, BUT still he only offers that we must pray and forgive. Nowhere in there does he mention turning the sick bastards over to police, prosecution or incarcerations, and until he does, his words have no credibility at all. According to his spokesman, auxiliary bishop of Lisbon Carlos Azevedo, ‘The moral values guiding the economy and politics show there is a spiritual crisis’. Again, they should know, considering the moral values guiding the church right now, and subsequent said spiritual crisis. Azevedo went on to say that the pope wants to convey ‘a message of hope which says it is possible, if we are guided by ethical and spiritual values, to find paths to a new future’, and that the pope wants to ‘awaken slumbering Christians and also, to some extent, a Europe whose values have become somewhat decadent, to different values’. Yes, the Pope is accusing people of slipping into the acceptance of decadent behaviour. I guess he oughta know all about that shit. Here is what truly amazes me about this whole situation: while I accept that pedophilia is not confined to the catholic church, that other churches also have their issues to deal with, the catholic church continuously takes a ‘holier than thou’ attitude towards all, and then they accuse others and tell them what they are doing wrong, while they continue on their merry fucking way doing the same thing they are condemning others for. The Catholic Church has become nothing more than a poster child for hypocrisy, offering empty words and lacklustre lip service, all to cover their own asses and still allow them to get their rocks off. ‘Persecution’, ‘decadence’, ‘moral and spiritual crisis’ – pot, meet kettle. Oye.

DATELINE: PIP, PIP, STIFF UPPER LIP TOWN – As Britain deals with their hung parliament (welcome to THAT fucking club) and the prospect of increased debt because of the bailout for the Greeks, we should all sit back and have a nice cuppa. There is much to be learned from this situation. For starters, there is that totally fucking hawty Nick Clegg, the man who puts the va-voom back into morning tabloids and has people the world over asking ‘what the fuck is a Lib-Dem?’ Not since the days of Maggie Thatcher have there been so many people looking lustily towards Downing Street, where, in our heads, we all imagine that beautiful man to be one day. I am so totally jealous of David Cameron and the coalition he is about to form, because there is some seriously hawt coalitioning to do with that handsome handsome man. If only Clegg talked like Antonio... **sigh* However, in typical British fashion (I know, because I researched this by watching The Antiques Roadshow from some castle over there this weekend), they will sip their tea, and no matter what happens, they will be neither surprised nor excited. They sill simply shrug, just like the lady who was told her fecking tea pot was worth 500,000 pounds, ‘oh, that’s rather lovely, isn’tit?’