Daily News – May 10TH, 2010

Daily News – May 10TH, 2010

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF ‘WILL WE EVER FUCKING LEARN’ -- In the wake of the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon and subsequent oil spill disaster that is still gushing unchecked, Chevron has started drilling their new deepwater well off the coast of Newfoundland. No worries, though, because according to the CBC, Chevron ‘promises they will be careful’. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. They will be careful. Well, I will rest much easier now, as will the puffins and whales and lobsters and everything else living along the east coast. Chevron says that despite the fact that this will, the deepest in Canadian waters, will be a full kilometre deeper than the Deepwater Horizon was, and will be in infinitely colder and rougher waters, they have done a complete review... of themselves and their processes... and THAT should be enough to ensure nothing can happen. And even after the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, Chevron says that there are no changes necessary to how they will be doing their drilling because ‘...the systems, the equipment, the processes, the people and the skills’ are all hunky-dory. There has been no mention of an Acoustic Switch, the remote controlled shut-off at the ocean floor that is meant for catastrophic situations, and there has been no mention by Comrade Harper and his Gang of Merry Men about requiring one, because, well, god forbid we fuck with an oil company. Chevron promises to have people watching though; I imagine that will be just like all those people with BP who sat and watched the fucking oil consume the Gulf for the last two weeks. Perhaps we should make sure they have some tax-payer funded popcorn to chow down on while ‘watching’, cause once the shit starts to happen, that seems to be the extent of what they are able to do while water is contaminated and animals by the thousands die.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF THE GULF OF MEXICO CLUSTERFUCK -- The giant con-dome of hope didn’t work to contain the oil spewing from the seabed. Crystallized hydrates clogged the top of the structure and made it buoyant. It was a neat idea, although one that had never been tried in such deep water, and so some of the complications that came up were unforeseen. I commend them for trying the idea, because something has to be done before all coastal life there is wiped out. So, while they continue to drill relief wells that could take up to three months to get into place (Plan A) and they continue to overcome the problems with their concrete dome (Plan B), they will now work on a Plan C – stuff the whole with crap and hope that it clogs. Yes, this is the science we are now looking at... let’s jettison some shredded tires and old golf balls and other crap like that, and cram it into the end of the pipe, sorta like sticking wadded up panties into the mouth of a volcano. While I applaud the creativity, it does nothing to stop the surge of total fucking rage within me that NO ONE bothered to consider what would happen ‘if’... well, they did, but the fucking piece of equipment that very well could have been their saving grace cost a whole $500,000, and god forbid money gets pissed away on something so totally frivolous. Oil companies should be REQUIRED BEFORE starting to drill to provide detailed disaster relief plans that do consider the unlikely, properly thought out plans that don’t leave the fate of a whole fucking ecosystem hanging on the hopes of pressurized crap. Perhaps they should be sending invites to SpongeBob Squarepants to come and help, because seriously, that makes about as much fucking sense, and at least he would do it with a song in his heart.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CLUSTERFUCKS – The Pope has accepted the resignation of German Bishop Walter Mixa. Mixa was accused of hitting children in his care, and of making funny business with the books for the orphanage. Yes, this man is accused of stealing money from orphans, because apparently one way or another, the kids are gonna get fucked. According to canon law, a member of the clergy can resign ‘because of illness or some other grave reason’ (apparently the only other ‘grave’ reason would be that the guy died) or if he has ‘become unsuited for the fulfillment of his office’ (which seems to assume he was suited for it at some point, which in light of recent developments, seems questionable). Funny enough, though, there is NOTHING from Rome about them requesting the police to investigate either the assaults or the theft/fraud – it’s just fucking business as usual for them; so much more the pity.