Friday, May 7, 2010



-- What could be more cliché than telling the story of Elton John’s life… in a ballet. Sir Elton approached the Alberta Ballet company about doing his story after seeing what they managed to do with Joni Mitchell’s life in 2007. The music was his selection, the money, $1.2M, he gave them free rein over. From ballet to acrobatics, roller-skating to pirouettes done on six-inch stilettos, this one seems to have everything. And what could be more Elton John than feathers, sequins, flash and florescence, and of course, crazy-ass glasses? If the ballet does well… ie, if Sir Elton comes to see it and gives it his seal of approval… the company could take the show on the road – sort of a Hello Yellow Brick Road thing. In the words of the show’s producer, ‘It’s really like a Fellini meets burlesque to vaudeville, three-ring Elton John circus kind of production”. I now have one question… well, more than that, but one burning one. Why in the name of all that is fucking holy did they call the damned thing Love Lies Bleeding? The man had a billion number one songs. There is no one who hasn’t heard at least one, so why not use one of the billion songs that people know? Or give us something about what the show is about in the title… like Puppetry of the Penis, or The Vagina Monologues… Those are titles you can sink your teeth into.

DATELINE: BOOBVILLE – And I ain’t just talking the anatomical boobs. Heidi Montag was taking the new puppies, a nice set of F-cups, out for a walk, showing them off, when Ryan Seacrest, that master of tact and diplomacy, told her that they didn’t look that big. Well, thank you very much, Ryan, because NOW we have to read stupid fucking stories about how upset she was. But no worries, readers, because what does the stupid fucking idiot with too much money do in such situations? They decide to get even more bigger tits. Yes, Montag will get another 100 cc’s of crap injected into her boobs, because she figured that already they were too small again. In fact, she wanted to ‘punch the doctor in the face’ after her last procedure because when she woke up, she knew they were too small. I guess that means she could still see her fucking toes. News flash, Bimbo – Boob size and IQ are not proportional. On the good side, when she does decide to ever have a kid, she won’t even have to be in the same room to nurse the little boobette (although, ya know, with all that chemical ooze in there, you might be better off bringing in a real cow for the kid to suckle). And when those puppies start to sag, she can attach swiffers to her nipples and never have to vacuum again.

DATELINE: PRICKVILLE -- Roman Polanski is now arguing that the information in the extradition files is incomplete, or inaccurate, or some legal bibble-babble like that. Of course, the feckless prick will resort to anything just to avoid accepting his penalty, because, well, he is one of the beautiful people, and so the laws regarding the planned drugging and raping of a little girl should not be applied to him. He’s a producer, ya know! Geesh. No matter how you cut it, this man is a sick bastard who belongs behind bars for what he did, and because he is also one of the most profound fucking cowards on the face of the earth, that is all the more reason to lock him up, because cowards will do anything to save their own asses. Polanski, you chicken shit prick, you raped a CHILD. Save your fucking pleading and sob story and legal loopholing because it really is not so fucking impressive. How about saving us from having to read all this crap every couple days by growing a set of balls and standing up like a fucking man? (of course, I know that’s a rhetorical. Sorry for such a ridiculous suggestion.)

DATELINE: ON THE ROAD TO THE CROWBAR HOTEL -- Well, it seems that Charlie Sheen has had a busy, busy week. First, there was much debate about his divorce from wife Brooke. The two have been sharing rehab appointments … you know, the kind of shit that only the beautiful people can afford… and there are rumors that although their marriage is totally down the crapper and the two can’t stand to even look at each other, they are not getting a divorce because of the prenup, and the damage that prenup would cause to Charlie’s lifestyle. Lemme give you a minute to get out yer hankies, cause this is gonna be one sad story. Ready? Okay, then the details of the prenup were released to the media. Then, because of the whole rehab ‘beautiful people’ syndrome thing, Charlie’s last wife, Denise Richardson, was granted full custody of their two daughters, claiming that perhaps Charlie and Brooke might not be the best role models in the world. DUH! THEN, Charlie’s lawyers have suggested that perhaps it would be best for Charlie to do his 30 days in prison, despite the deal he worked out with prosecutors. Why? You ask? Well, it would seem that should Charlie go with the deal his lawyers originally worked out, it would require him to be on probation for two years, and, well, I rather doubt there is a bookie in the world who would give any odds that Mr. Sheen could manage a whole two years of keeping his nose clean. BUT you gotta admit the guy has game. Despite his earlier claims that he was done on his sit com, regardless of the money they were prepared to offer, even more rumors abound that he is working his ass off to negotiate his way to a few hundred thousand more per episode, proving once again that it ALWAYS comes back to the money, especially when you have $125K/month in payments to former wives. Okay, you can put the hankie away.

DATELINE: ON A STAGE MAKING US LAFF -- Sunda Croonquist is breathing a sigh of relief now, and probably working on a whole lot of new material for her upcoming stand-up gigs. The self-described half-black, half-Swedish comedienne drew on her own life experience for her routine, especially from her Jewish husband’s mother, sister and brother… well, she did, until they sued her because her jokes were… umm… making fun of them. Now what the hell would you expect from a comedienne? How the hell dare she make fun of her situation, going so far as to describe her sister-in-law’s voice as sounding like a cat in heat. In her ruling, the judge stated that the comments made by Croonquist were opinions, not statements of facts, and that she was more than entitled to her opinions. To come to this conclusion, she had to go through pages of comedy routines, probably laughing her ass off all the way. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking, suing family for being able to sell a good joke? Especially when the person telling the joke is married to the lawyer in the family? Oye!

DATELINE: IN SHERWOOD FOREST, WEARING TIGHTS – Not that I am anal about such things, but it is only one week until Russell Crowe’s new movie, Robin Hood, hits theatres. In the pre-release build-up in the media, though, it was suggested that Crowe was not a ‘leading man’ but just a good character actor. Thankfully smarter heads prevailed, explaining that he was BOTH a leading man AND a good character actor, a combination that is a rare and beautiful thing. Now, I might have a bit of a soft spot for Russell Crowe, BUT seriously, THIS was a fucking story about him? Cut the crap people. The public deserves much better from the media… like pictures. Just give us fucking pictures of him, okay. Maybe add a small sound bite, because he has that voice thing happening that could melt the panties off a nun, but quit with the lame-ass stories.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant..Simply Brilliant

    Swifter Nipples.. cuts cleaning time in half