DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – MAY 20th, 2010

DATELINE: WAITING FOR SPONGEBOOB – In yet another ‘interesting’, albeit not surprising, revelation today, BP acknowledged that just maybe their estimates of how much oil was gushing into the ocean were a bit optimistic. Just a bit? Their siphon that is supposedly capturing only a small percentage of the spilling oil is picking up 5000 barrels a day, ergo... I fucking love when I can use albeit and ergo on the same day... ergo their estimates for the last month are just a small percentage of what is actually devastating the ocean. Some scientists and engineers have been stating they believed the well to be spilling at a rate of 20,000 to 100,000 barrels a day, something that was poo-pooed by BP, but now, hmmm, kinda hard to argue that point. Besides, who the fuck is going to believe one word that BP has to offer about the spill now? The oil has managed to get past the booms set out to protect vulnerable areas, is now approaching the mouth of the Mississippi, is now into the Loop Stream and being carried through precious coral beds and around the panhandle, and is splashing ashore in a heavy gooey mess that no plant or animal will be able to survive without intervention, and even then it will be doubtful. So much for the fucking booms. BP has also been spraying dispersant on the oil slicks, meant to make the oil sink to the sea bed. Whoop-de-fucking-do. It won’t be washing around in the waves, but it will still do just as much damage and what the hell happens to it down the road? But today BP was told by the EPA that they have one day to select a different dispersant and three days to get in sprayed on the spills. Why? Because out of the 18 dispersants approved by the EPA, the one BP is using, Corexit 9500, is one of the most toxic and least effective on the list. Yahoo! I am shocked. It was probably the cheapest on the fucking list too, because God knows, BP wants to scrape every penny it can for that next upcoming round of executive bonuses.

DATELINE: LONDON, IN MANY NIGHTMARES NOW! – The mascots for the 2012 Olympic Games in London were unveiled to much applau... well, to some applau.... honestly? To a hell of a lot of people going What the Fuck Are They? And what the hell were the designers smoking when they thought that up? These one-eyed things that look like shiny sperms, or perhaps giant vibrators with arms (especially since they only each have one eye) are named Wenlock and Mandeville, both names having significance to the history of the Olympics and the Paralympic Games. Nice names... but what the hell is the rest of this about? The two mascots are supposedly drops of molten metal dripped in the final stages of the building of the Olympic Stadium and taken home by a retiring worker where they were turned into... sperm-like things... for his grandchildren to play with. These ‘things’ are topped off with taxi lights on their heads, for whatever reason. We’ve come a long, and rather scary, way from the days of the first mascot, Waldi, the colourful striped dachshund of the 1972 Munich games. On the good side, after revealing Sperm One and Sperm Two, there is only UP to go from here for the planning of the London Olympics, right?

DATELINE: WHAT THE FUCK PLANET DO THESE IDIOTS LIVE ON? – Imagine being on the county payroll, going into work one day and being told that you had been overpaid and need to return the money. Then imagine that the overpayment occurred 16 years earlier. Such is life if you live in Lawrenceville, Ga. The county’s CFO has decided now is the time to ‘clean up receivables’ and where else to do that but from the employees who were paid bonuses in 1994. They are not being unreasonable about this though... the employees can apply the money to vacation leave or just pay the county the cash. Now, first off, I have a hard time believing this crap is even legal. It should fall under the category of ‘you snoozed, you lose’ and the person who made the fucking mistake should be on the hook for it, not the people who did the work, got a bonus and are now being screwed over. And what about the employees from back then who are gone, moved, dead, changed jobs... how does the county plan on getting the money from them, because I can tell you right now, if they came to me with a fucking bill like this, I would gladly submit a receipt that showed the money was used to purchase food, and offer to pay them back with crap.

DATELINE: HANNAH NOT MADE IN MONTANA – Wal-Mart is pulling an entire line of Miley Cyrus crap jewellery trinket shit from their shelves because it is all... wait for it... toxic. The jewellery trinket stuff is, which is truly a wonderful irony, even a metaphor for the situation. Now, to be fair, most jewellery contains metal cadmium, and it is not harmful when worn as jewellery. The problem arises when young children are exposed to the jewellery because if they put any of it in their mouths, the metal cadmium becomes very toxic. The kicker, though, is that Wal-Mart was aware of the problem in February, but decided at that time to play the ‘stupid’ game, stating first that it had no way to test products already on the shelves, then saying that it was not intended to be purchased by children. What the fuck? It’s Miley Cyrus. Who the hell else is gonna wear that crap? My guy comes in with a gift box and there is a Hannah Fucking Montana charm in it for me, that charm is gonna be shoved up my guys ass so far it will not stop till it pops out his left fucking ear. Of course kids are gonna wear it and stick it in their mouths because kids stick everything but vegetables into their damned mouths. Once AP broke the story of the metal cadmium content, though, Wal-Mart decided to man up and pulled the crap from their shelves. Perhaps it might behoove both Wal-Mart and Miss Montana to pay attention to where their products are made as well, but apparently that lesson is just too fucking hard for any of these idiots to grasp.

DATELINE: HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN? – In a story that is both astounding and promising, a deal has been struck for the management of over 72 million hectares of forest. The unlikely partnership? Between Canadian conservation and environmental protection groups and, you might have to sit down for this one, major Canadian logging and timber companies. Yes, two entities, two opposites in the form of NGO’s and Corporate Canada, managed to sit down and get their shit together. They have agreed in basic terms what areas of the forests will be preserved, where caution must be exercised, what sort of environmental situations are in each one and what areas are okay for logging. The two adversaries have realized that co-operation is the only way to proceed, and they did it totally behind the scenes, with no Bru-ha-ha or fanfare and without any government involvement or interference. Now that the bare bones have been worked out in what could well be a landmark co-operation, more groups will be brought in for their input and advice, and the group will slowly grow to make sure that all voices are heard and all needs are met. Thank the Lord there might still be some people left in the world who do give a shit and are ready to work together to accomplish one goal with benefits for all. Can you imagine what the fuck could be done if government parties could be this fucking mature and enlightened?