DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: STAR GAZING – I have no idea how he will take the news, but Jesus is no longer a Capricorn. With the addition of a thirteenth sign of the zodiac, Ophiuchus, Jesus has been bumped down to Sagittarius, and if nothing else, this totally fucks up the lyrics to the song… not that it was a great song, but holy crap, I am getting tired of this changing words in stories and songs shit this week. This time, the old switcheroo of the words is due to changes in the Earth’s alignment, so I have no idea who the hell you file your complaint with, but there has to be someone. I check my damned horrorscope every day; it nails me to a T, defines me, guides me. Does this mean it has been lying to me all along? Oh, wait… mine didn’t change. I guess they know not to mess with perfection. Ophiuchus is the snake holder – a rather over-muscled dude with an anaconda wrapped around him in a very provocatively phallic manner – how fucking Freudian is that!! If you are an Ophiuchus, you are an interpreter of dreams and have vivid premonitions (that could be the drugs though), attract good luck (have horse shoes up yer ass), have lofty ideals (have your head up yer ass as well) and are a seeker of peace and harmony (and we are full circle back to the drugs). You are a gatherer of people (the size of yer snake might have something to do with this), a seeker of higher education and wisdom (yeah, that’s you… so come to the mountain). You lean towards medicine (told ya, it’s the drugs) and poetry, prefer supervisory tasks (apparently with your head and those horseshoes up there, yer ass has become lazy), want a high position in life (stoner!) and crave fame, but usually don’t achieve that till yer are dead – c’est la vie! Here is the new revised list of who is who when in zodiacal terms.
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

DATELINE: IN ARCHIE BUNKER’S LIVINGROOM – Where else would one sit to learn about the Meathead law that is now coming into effect in Seattle. You gotta fucking love something called the Meathead Ordinance. Passed unanimously by Seattle City Council, it allows the police to write tickets for fighting, making threats and creating noise, designed to curb the frivolities of late night bar patrons at closing time. The law is only in effect between the hours of midnight and 5am, and applies to car horn honking, engine revving, crying, shouting, screaming, and talking in loud voices during these hours, and will result in a $100 fine. Instead, now you will hear all night long people shushing each other, a noise akin to air escaping the tires of the entire fleet of Oscar Meyer Wienie-Mobiles, and giggling their asses off with every fart and burp, because there is nothing less quiet than a drunk trying to be quiet. At least with the car horns and revving engines you will not have to listen to the sound of these partiers puking on the sidewalk.

DATELINE: GETTING DOWN TO THE NITTY TITTY IN THE AIRPORT SECURITY LINE – The TSA has been taught a valuable lesson, and it is about God damned time! In 2008, while patting down a young woman, the agent ‘accidently’ **wink wink** pulled her shirt down far enough to expose the woman’s chest. (Since the chest belonged to a 24-year-old from Texas, one has to assume they were a couple of fine attributes – they usually are.) Whether accidental or not, the woman deserved to receive a profound apology immediately, but instead received a string of jokes and off-color comments. In the good old days, a woman would be fully within her rights in such a situation to kick the fucking nuts off the ignorant asshole who ‘made the mistake’ then had the incredibly low class to make fun about it, but now, while in that wonderful line, we just smile and accept… then file complaints and talk to lawyers. This time, thank God, the courts sided with the woman and ordered damages of an undisclosed amount to be paid. One way to avoid being caught in the dreaded pat-down feel-up from the TSA is to not purchase the all new underwear that is made with imbedded special ink that blurs the juicy bits. While this new product is designed to protect your dignity while going through the total body peek-a-boos, the TSA sees it at a warning flag and it will automatically single you out for their daily special grope of the day. Face it, people, come hell or high water, you will have no secrets when you are boarding a plane; the best you can home for is not to give everyone else in the security line a peep show as well.

DATELINE: READING MY FORTUNE FROM TOLL-HOUSE COOKIES – This fortune says ‘he who does not pay tolls spends rest of life in prison’. A farmer in China, unable to afford the tolls required for his two-truck gravel delivery side business, slapped some military license plates onto his vans, got his hands on a couple of military uniforms, and for nine months ran his vehicles back and forth for free. When later calculating the cost of what those tolls should have been, it was determined he defrauded the government of 3.5 million yuan (about $530,000 USD). How the hell is anyone supposed to pay half a million fucking dollars in tolls in nine months and still be expected to afford tires, gasoline, a roof over their head, food or anything else? Half a million fucking dollars! This gives new meaning to highway robbery. When the man was caught, he was sentenced to life in prison for his heinous crime, and was given a 2 million yuan ($302,000 USD) fine to pay as well, a fine which he has no hope in hell of paying. Are their streets made of gold or something? Shi Jianfeng received a sentence that, even in Chinese terms, is more harsh than that handed down for rape or murder. There is something stinking in the state of Henan, and it is not the raw monkey brains or the donkey meat soaked in tiger urine – well, it probably is those things as well, and the ensuing bile-licious puke, but I meant in the metaphorical sense.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY – IF YOU ARE A BIG BANKER, AT LEAST – On the heels of hearing that bank profits in the US are back up to their ‘pre-crisis’ levels, for the ‘Big’ Banks, we anxiously await the announcement of the ‘bonuses’ – it is that time of the year, you know. The middle of January always comes with that wonderful news of how many millions were paid to banking muck-mucks for their unbelievable skill at sitting in the corner office with the big windows, looking down on the peons below as they pack their lives on their backs and live out of their cars because their houses have been foreclosed. Last year set a record for housing foreclosures in the US… one in every forty-five homeowners lost their house last year, totally over a million homes. The predictions for 2011 are even worse, as there are over five million homeowners who are at least two months behind on mortgage payments, and the projections are for a conservative 1.2 million foreclosures in the next twelve months. Sorry, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see there is something very wrong with this picture. Perhaps its time for politicians to stop shouting at each other about shouting at each other, and get down to work doing their jobs, before there is a need to designate the WalMart parking lot a city suburb because of all the families forced to live there.