Sunday, January 9, 2011
SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter
Welcome home my children
As God in His mysterious ways does work in our hearts so did He come to me the other evening, sharing His wisdom, His love once again with the Right Reverend your chosen and most holy leader.
I walked the lonely streets of God's forlorn city when I happened upon a begger. This was no ordinary begger but one rather with many distinctive qualities none of which were typical beggorial accoutrements in any way shape or form.
"Why do you sit here and beg? What is it you beg for my son?" To which he answered.
"Fuck-you I will beg as I see fit! What the hell is it to you anyway asshole?"
You see his reply was atypical of most beggers I should think, correct? I realized it was His voice speaking to me through the man.
"You are not of beggorial means which is obvious. Why do you beg?"
"I fucking told you asshole. I beg as I see fit. Now piss-off or bad things are going to happen!"
"Dear Lord why do you assuage me in such unloving manner?" I directed the question to the dark sky sitting soflty above Him. I realized I was speaking directly to our great and heavenly leader.
"My child why do you ask a question of Me to which you already know the answer which lies deep within the crevice of your weak, unbelieving spirit?" He looked up to me as God might do. His face became that of the innocent child, eyes beseeching the answer of which I was not aware.
"Oh Heavenly Father I am in such quandry. I have so many questions. Which question may I ask oh God of my Gods?"
"That is entirely the point you damned fool. God of my Gods, understand? You shall have no other God's than me!"
"I fear not dear Father." I was beginning to slide away from the Lord as He rose to me in tutorial splendour.
"See kiddo, I am much much taller than you are right? You never would have guessed that seeing me sitting here with my palms up, hoping, just hoping that no idiots would drop by today and ask me any stupid fucking questions. It is the seventh day you moron and We need a bit of down time. Got the picture asswipe?"
"It is Tuesday Lord not the Sabbath. I had no idea that Tuesday was your day of rest. I thought it always was from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday?"
"Jesus Son of Mine! Are you a damned Jew-boy or what? They got it wrong. You got it wrong. All God's chilluns got it fucking wrong you idiot!" He grew to enormous proportions. I had not realized that when the Lord got pissed-off he grew. I would understand some thunder and lightning my children, but getting taller? I was mightily befuddled as you may well imagine.
"Sorry Father but I am just a tad confused. You think you might straighten me out in your all knowng wisdom?" Could not think of anything else to say. My knees were chatting to themselves. I was growing an almighty sweat as well.
"See there you go again asswipe! You ask me questions on my day of rest as though it did not matter! Now as I said politely before, make like a duck and flock off!" His feet were beginning to lift off. It seems that even God has His limits which made me want to ask another question. Since I believed I was now doomed to live in a lake of fire I thought what the hell, here I go.
"The bible told me so Lord. Is the bible wrong? Oh tell me dear Father that the bible is not wrong, please, please?" I had fallen to my knees, legs no longer able to support.
"Well shit boy that is not really a question is it? It is more of a demand, right you prick? You demanding of your Lord and God almighty boy?" His feet settled down once again upon the spot from where they had risen. I reckoned at that moment I might be indeed saved from that barbeque. "Maybe I will not have to swim in that fiery lake after all?"
"I heard that fuck-stick. I hear everything you think. Everything the fucking world thinks. Why do you think I need a damned day of rest anyway? Shit get away from me! No, wait, I think I might have an answer for you. Hang on will you?" The Lord settled as I said. He reposed, back into the beggar sitting on the street with his palms held open towards the heavens.
"Please," I stood a bit taller. "Please Lord just take it easy. It is after all your day of rest which is Tuesday right?"
He shuddered but did not rise. He looked once again up to the visage quaking in front of him, albeit a tad taller.
"Oh never mind. I will tell you for the last time boy. Any damned day I choose is My day of fucking rest. You understand idiot? Now go in peace and sin no more."
I turned, began to walk away. He sat as He had sat before.
Children what did I learn from this equation with our Lord and Savior? I learned that to question is sometimes a pain in the ass for even God. That to answer is a gift from our Lord. I learned that Tuesday is quite possibly as good a day as any He might choose to rest. I learned that His love has no bounds and that you had better be slightly more careful when disturbing a beggar that appears not to be one as you walk God's streets.
Now go and beg no more. Instead open your hearts to the Lord and to myself for tomorrow might indeed be the Lord's chosen day of rest.
Love to you all. His blessings to you all, the Right Reverend Dillinger Flakewaiter attendant to the Lord God Almighty and watcher of his begger nation. Now go in peace and sin no more!