Saturday, January 15, 2011
SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter
Once upon a time in a far distant land full of wealth a small six year old girl sat amidst cow dung eating shit.
"Yum yum!" Squeeled the frail tot. "Best damn shit I ever ate!" A veritable volume of energy she simply could not get enough shit.
"What is your name child eating shit?"
"No, no kind sir my name is not Child Eating Shit. It is Nancy, my mother named me that."
"Ah, so your name is Nancy Child Eating Shit, then?"
"Oh you are silly!" As the child spoke she continued to shove shit into her mouth. After every gulp she burped, smiled, scoured the ground for more.
"So I assume you are quite pleased with yourself Nancy Child Eating Shit. It is a grand land we live in when any child can simply sit in it. Oh to rapture with the shit eating children. I must tell you Nancy that not all children are so fortunate. No, no indeed they are not. I do hope you realize your great place in this wonderful land of ours. Oh, of course you do. Silly me. I can see by the look, that lovely smile, the shit on your face that you do realize, appreciate the great gifts this land has been able to offer you. I am correct are not I Nancy Child Eating Shit? Oh tell me I am, please!"
Yes sir you most certainly are correct. I am indeed very fortunate as you say. By the way, my last name is Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap, not Nancy Child Eating Shit. My cousin Gloria is Gloria Child Eating Shit. We are very close you know."
"That is nice. It is important to be close to others of ones' kind is it not?"
"So I have heard!" Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap farted long and loud after an almost as long and loud belch.
"Child that is quite rude! Has no one person taught you about passing gas, belching, while eating shit?"
"Oh sir I am so, so sorry! Do you think you could possibly forgive me for being so indelicate?"
"How old are you Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap?"
"I am all of six years sir. Do you forgive me? I would hate having to eat things other than shit! Please do not punish me sir, I beg of you!" The child sat. She swam in shit. Spread her arms out in shit. A lovely tiny angel sitting as she should.
The relentless voice of love.
"Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap I forgive you. Do try to watch your manners in future would you?"
"Oh, thank you sir. If you were to punish me I would indeed be a lost child. Thank you, thank you!"
"I must leave you now fortunate child. Enjoy my love, my forgivness. Try to understand that not every little girl is allowed to eat shit. You are so very special. Goodbye now Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap."
"Yum, yum! I am so lucky!"
Consider the above carefully my flock. Go in search of the child. Someday it will be your child. Harsh I hear you scream. Not a bit harsh. Simply a tale of modern spiritual love to aid you all, myself, my children, your children.
Does this child live within or without?
Yum, yum! We are so lucky!