DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DATELINE: STANDING OUTSIDE THE VATICAN ‘GLASS HOUSE’ – If this wasn’t so fucking sad it would be hilarious. I’ll take Most Idiotically Moronically Hypocritical Comment of the Fucking Millennium’ for $2000, please, Alex. WOO HOO!!! It’s the fucking Double Jeopardy selection. The answer is… "The Church urges and invites everyone, especially those who hold a position of public responsibility [...] to commit themselves to a more robust morality, a sense of justice and legality,". The answer, Alex is, yet another piece of evidence that shows the Catholic Church has its collective heads up its ass. The statement was delivered by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, speaking out on the Vatican’s position regarding Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s current sex scandal. I am sorry, but is it only me that sees a problem in the catholic church criticizing anyone in regard to sexual activity and the legalities thereof? The church urges a more robust morality? How the fuck would they even know what morals are? How the hell do robust morals, or a sense of justice and legality apply to the repeated, covered-up, practically encouraged raping and abusing of children by catholic priests? The statement was delivered on behalf of the Holy See. Perhaps what the Holy See needs is a house of mirrors, not glass, so they can get some fucking perspective of their absolute undeniable sense of privilege and superiority. How about when they get their own fucking back yard cleaned up, then they start preaching to the rest of the world. Until then, they should just sit the fuck down and shut up, safely entrenched in their ongoing rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah right there in Vatican City.

DATELINE: IN THE DICTIONARY, DEFINING ‘STUPID’ – Cathy Cruz Marrero went on to Good Morning America to plead her case in preparation of her legal suite against a mall in Reading, Pa. Up until yesterday, no one had a fucking clue who she was, and probably didn’t give a damn. Her story is that on Wednesday last week, she was walking through the mall while texting, and while totally absorbed in texting her date of birth to the church – why we need to know this is really a bit beyond me – she didn’t see the giant fucking reflecting fountain in the middle of the place, and she walked right into it, falling face-first into the water. I defy anyone to see that and not fucking laugh, and why the hell not? She jumped up, jumped out of the water and took off through the mall. Now she is complaining that no one helped her, but watch the fucking video (which has now gone viral on YouTube) – there is no one around her to help. If she hadn’t jumped up and run out, I imagine people might have gone to her aid, but she jumped right back up and out. She then claims that she contacted Mall Security the next day, on Thursday, to complain, wanting to know why they didn’t help her, and why they didn’t contact her to apologize for what happened. How the fuck would they know who to phone to apologize, and what the fuck were they supposed to apologize for? She said that she didn’t want her identity known and didn’t want people to see what happened because she was embarrassed – so far the only thing to come out of her mouth that makes sense. The security person she talked to said that was understandable and would try to take drastic measures. The thing is, she said she didn’t know anything about the video until Friday when her nephew called. If store security released the video, they fucked up. BUT if Cathy Cruz Marrero did not want to be on public display, did not want to have her name out there for the world to see, did not want to be ridiculed, then what the fuck was she doing going on national television? She walked into the fucking fountain while texting and I am sorry but considering she was not hurt at all, it was totally dumbass fucking funny. Ms. Cathy Cruz Marrero who does not want people to know who she is should pull on some fucking big girl panties, have a fucking laugh quietly with the absolutely miniscule number of people who would have known it was her, and gotten on with her life instead of wanting to sue someone else for her fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: ON THE FOOT-IN-MOUTH WARD, RIGHT BESIDE SARAH PALIN – Tennessee Democrat Representative Steve Cohen has done his job, if his job was to prove that stupidity is truly, undeniably, and once again proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be non-partisan. Apparently the call for all politicians to take a step back from the fucking bullshit comments weren’t heard by him, or he thought perhaps they didn’t apply to him, especially when he opened up his mouth to make a comparison between the GOP’s position on healthcare and their efforts to pass legislation to the workings of Joseph Goebbels in his attempts to disparage the Jews in Germany. Think about that for a minute. Less than a week after Sarah Palin is on the mat for comparing her self-perceived political persecution to a blood-libel, this asshole again invokes a comparison absolutely totally reprehensible and inappropriate to civilized society… even if that civilized society is the uncivilized members of the two political parties. "Just like Goebbels, you say it enough, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, and eventually people believe it, the Germans said enough about the Jews and the people believed it and you had the Holocaust." After the fact, he said his comments were taken out of context, that he did not intend to offend and that the comparison was regarding tactics, not people. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo! Perhaps a little crash course in what things were like back then, perhaps some perspective on how this ‘end of the world’ issue is absolutely NOTHING compared to what was happening back then, because quite honestly the asinine fucking comments coming from politicians who believe their voice is the only right voice, their thoughts are the only logical thoughts and their issues are the only issues that should matter to the world, are getting fucking tired.

DATELINE: ON THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION – In the last year, in just the country of South Africa, 333 rhinos were killed. Of these, 10 were critically endangered Black Rhinos, of which there are only 4000 left in the world. The number of rhinos killed is triple what it was last year, and the tactics used now are drastically different. These high-tech poachers are using helicopters, night-vision goggles, tranquilizers and silencers to kill the rhinos at night, when it is almost impossible for them to be stopped. Here are some quick little tidbits for consideration: There are less than 4000 black rhinos left in the world and they are very slow to reach sexual maturity and reproduce; When Rhinos are poached, the only thing taken is the horn, which is hacked off, leaving the rest of the carcass to rot (the same applies for elephants which are poached for their ivory tusks). The reason for the increase? Well, up until now, thanks to the many-times debunked theories of Chinese medicine regarding the product, the horn of the rhino has been ground down and used to cure fever, gout, headaches, vomiting, and... wait for this one... ‘devil possession’. Yes, instead of some holy water, they kill rhinos for this. But now, some genius practitioner of Chinese medicine has decided that the ground up horn can also cure cancer... a claim that has very clearly, very positively been proven wrong many times. Rhino horn sells for from $21,000 to $54,000 per kilogram (2 pounds). I have a plan for curing the problem of poaching. You take any poacher caught, anyone caught in possession of the illegal horns, anyone caught selling them, transporting them or using them, and you take one of those nice knives they use, and fucking go for the gusto, whacking off their fucking horns just like they did to the animals, without the benefit of any tranquilizers or anything else... then just leave em laying there to die. If that happened once or twice, perhaps people will think a bit before they go out on illegal safari.