DAILY NEWS - JANUARY 26th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – January 26th, 2010

DATELINE: HAITI – John Travolta grabbed the headlines today, and rightfully fucking so. Apart being totally delicious, the man flew his personal jet – not one of those little chicken shit things that so many rich people like to fucking flaunt; we’re talking the whole big fucking jet! – to deliver aid to Haitians. Not only did he bring in 4 tons of food, medical supplies and 50 doctors and healthcare workers, but as soon as everything was unloaded, he picked up a plane load of people to take them back home to the US. No fuss, no muss, he just got the damned job done, and he looked fucking hawt doing it. In light of all my more than justified carping about the fucking glamour gang, I now recant, and offer this. This is BIG so pay fucking attention so I don’t have to say it twice.

In honour of the wonderful work done by John Oh-Baby-You-Got-It-Happening Travolta and his beautiful wife Kelly Preston (yeah, she gets forgotten too often by the fucking normal media, but we know she is there and working hard because behind every amazing hawt man like Johnny – I can call him that – is a woman that you so want to fucking hate because she is pretty and smart and talented, but she is just too damned nice to hate and that’s why the hawt guy loves her) we have decided to create a REAL award... no saggy golden globes for them. We are announcing the Bambette Awards and John and Kelly are the first official winners of this prestigious prize. Okay... so there isn’t any money; if there was it would be in fucking Canadian dollars, so it wouldn’t be worth a hell of a lot anyways. We will however look into the possibility of a medal made of fresh honey-glazed Tim Horton’s magnificence. What I am saying here is that the prestige of the award is just being named because it means you have class and brains and are uber-hawt as well. Get with the fucking program. If you have any other candidates you would like to nominate for a fucking Bambette, send me their names and i will forward them to the astute panel of judge (me) for consideration.

DATELINE: FRANCE – they are pushing for a ban on the burka, because it might turn the ladies into religious fanatics which could lead to more terrorism. If that’s the case, perhaps they should also put a ban on kneelers in churches and start interrogating all those fucking old ladies and men who attend church on a daily basis. Just saying, sauce for the goose and all that crap, right?

DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – Yes, it’s Australia Day, so open a beer, throw some shrimp on the fucking Barbie and watch a couple hours of Crocodile Dundee.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – with 21 days to the fucking Olympic games, the City of Vancouver has now issued a book to all employees explaining to them how to behave during the games. I can’t help but wonder how many fucking millions were spent on this bloody gem. We’re Canadians. We’re always too fucking polite. BUT now we have politicians and marketing analysts telling us about proper behaviour? Holy Crap! And some of the key issues... and to quote that other incredible hawt cutie Dave Barry, ‘I am NOT making this up’... no one shall wear short socks, no one will cross their arms or put their hands in their pockets, no excessive chatting with the visitors (god damn, i remember my mother telling me this every fucking time we had company – this will explain all the supposed snubs and mumbling people will receive when they ask for fucking directions), no limp-noodle handshakes or brow-furrowing, and yes, they even have the ‘correct’ way to inform a visitor that he left the fucking barn door open and is in danger of Mr Happy peeking out and watching the games. Yes, they spent fucking millions on this, wasted god only knows how many fucking trees, all to add to this wonderful ‘Olympic’ Experience.