TODAY'S NEWS -- January 22, 2010

TODAY’S NEWS -- January 22, 2010

DATELINE: CHINA – All international deals and negotiations hang in the balance between China and the rest of the world. It took Google to do what every other fucking world leader was unable to do – get human rights issues onto the table. Google. The stupidest word in the world is behind global change and the resurrection destruction of the planet. Only a fucking science fiction writer could come up with this shit. Hello?? China?? It’s just fucking Google!!

DATELINE: CANADA – Tonight there will be a concert, billed as the biggest thing since Bill Clinton’s honey-glazed fucking cigars. Every performer with a Canadian passport will perform to raise money for Haiti relief. Of course, the concert is only an hour long, so i assume that means each performer will sing one line then get the fuck off the stage? Or perhaps we have so few? Holy crap! I hope it doesn’t mean an hour of Celine Dion warble at the fucking rafters.

You would think that if every actor who had their name appearing on a fucking movie poster in the last year contributed one million dollars, and every professional athlete gave up one million dollars (cause like, there ain’t one of them that would miss such a puissant amount of money when they have it falling out their asses each time they take a step) we could rebuild Haiti, help all those people and feed every child in the third world. Apparently though, when you have that much money, you get rid of logic along with every box of fucking kraft dinner you had in your pantry.

DATELINE: HAITI – They let the criminals free, so now they have to stop them from being criminals. Lemme think... You got holy hell breakout out around you, but in your moment of fucking humanitarian altruism, you take the bad guys out of the only building left standing and let them do their thing to the people who have not been through yet enough hell? And then you wonder why there aren’t enough people around to take care of the supplies coming in from all over the world? Keep the crooks locked up and get the fucking dignitaries out of there (although, arguably one and the same) and let the people who know what to do get the damned job done.

DATELINE: LOS ANGELES (OR MAYBE NEW YORK, BUT WHO THE FUCK REALLY CARES) – Bye-bye Conan. Take your god damned hand puppet with you. Can we put you down for a $30M charitable donation, because there is NO ONE in the fucking world worth the kind of money involved in your settlement. They paid you for doing NOTHING! I want one of those fucking gigs!

DATELINE: GOLDEN, BC – YAAAHOOO, the fucking Olympic torch arrived there last night -- Imagine me doing my fucking happy dance about that. HUGE ceremony for a fucking bit of fire on a $40 piece of plastic. Alberta ex-premier Peter Lougheed passed it along to Wally Bono... good thing to have the provinces largest asshole and gas man there on site, just in case the damned thing goes out, hey Peter. And I bet you got to keep the fucking torch for free, cause you have more money than God and could buy a whole fucking truckload of the damned things. The classy part of THIS Olympic clusterfuck? If you are chosen to carry the torch, and you are just ordinary joe citizen, you have the privilege of buying the fucking thing for $400.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER -- Guy opens up his fucking door. Two plainclothes cops flash some tin. He opens the door wider to let them in. The cops grab him, pull him outside his home and beat the fucking crap outta him. The guy's wife, freaked out of her everloving mind, phones the police to report an assault. The two cops committing the assualt -- and YES, THEY WERE FUCKING COMMITTING AN ASSAULT get contacted, realize they have the wrong fucking man and offer to get him to the hospital for attention. What the fuck??? They pulled the man from his home when he was opening the door to let them in. We need some fucking cops who are NOT just criminals with badges. Gordo -- take care of that, would you? I'm sure you can find a way to turn it into a new fucking tax, but at least we would have police we could trust.