Daily News – January 27th, 2010
DATELINE: ROME – A new book out reveals that Pope John Paul II whipped himself and slept on the floor as a means of bring himself ‘closer to Christian perfection’. The current pope says that it is because of these ‘heroic deeds’ the past pontiff is being fast tracked to sainthood. Homeless and abused people rejoice. You too will be fucking fast-tracked to sainthood. Let that satisfy your bruises and hungry bellies.
DATELINE: NEW ZEALAND – A German man has been sentenced for trying to sneak fucking lizards and skinks out of the country. He had 44 of the suckers, half of them preggers, in his goddamned underwear (obviously NOT a thong). Holy Crap! That was an expensive jolly. Next time, Sugar britches, just put your phone on vibrate before sticking that down your y-fronts, and leave the poor lizards alone. At least he didn't sit down on the poor little buggers.
DATELINE: CALIFORNIA – Toyota has shut down production, closed dealerships and recalled thousand of their vehicles. The problem – a sticky fucking gas-pedal. I will be trying this one next time I have to appear before a judge, and Toyota can pay the speeding ticket. Seriously, none of them have a big enough back seat for any fun anyways. All you Bimmer dealers, roll out the fucking red carpet, cause you now own the market. Opportunity is knocking at your door like a fucking SWAT team at a crack house, so don’t be like fucking idiot Canadian politicians and just stand there with stupid looks on yer faces – open the damned door!
DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO – The new Apple tablet is about to be unveiled today. I prefer damned capsules, myself... a whole lot easier on the fucking digestion system.
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – It’s State of the Union Day. Let me save you a whole lot of fucking time: yes, there is still a war, yes, the economy is still in the fucking crapper, yes, the debt is ballooning like fucking Sylvester the cat in a SCUBA suit. God bless America.
DATELINE: IRAQ – The Baghdad Sports Stadium is getting ready to reopen. Saddam’s son, Hands-Up Hussein, had been in charge of the fucking thing, overseeing all sports and Olympic teams for the country. His favourite event – the blindfolded javelin catch. Ya gotta love a son of a bitch who believes the way to motive his athletes is to rip out their fingernails and smash their legs if they don’t run fast enough.
Phew!!! For a minute you had me thinking the pontiff went porn.. or BDSM or some sort of kink was being done at the Vatican. I was just about to genuflect up to Rome.
ReplyDeleteI say instead of sentencing the stupid lizard leg to jail.. they should have just swapped them out for leeches and fire ants… then sit back and watch him suffer… no need to pay for his incarceration.