Today's News January 21, 2010

REPORTING ALL THE NEWS YOU REALLY NEED IN ONE DAY

TODAY’S NEWS -- January 21, 2010

Dateline: Haiti – You know what I want when my crapper is flooded and shit is floating all over the floor? Company! We all do. I want to have to stop my plunging pleasures to clean out the driveway, set out a welcoming banquet and show dumbass anal-retentive hand-shakers the fucking royal tour. What the fuck is the matter with you dumbass politicians? Unless you are prepared to strip down to your undershirt and muck in, stay the hell away and let real people get the damned job done.


Dateline: California – As one who has lived in the fucking frozen north, at this time of unseasonal weather for you, I have only one thought: HAHAHA.

Dateline: Washington – John Edwards was shaking more than just hands while he was fucking campaigning for the highest office in the land. Hint to all potential presidents and those dreaming of public office: Keep it in your pants! All that thing does is gives the rest of us a gauge to see just how big an asshole you are. And this one... boinking while campaigning and while his wife was sick, gets a special place of honor. (It’s to be hoped that little bundle of joy gets something more outta life than being tagged with your fucking legacy, Mr. Edwards.)

More to the point (LMFAO – I KILL ME) if you put half the effort into running the country and helping the people who elected you that you put into getting your rocks off, we would be in pretty fucking good shape. We would all be better served, if you feel that you simply can’t keep that little soldier under control, if you would fly off to some fucking island with Tiger Woods and play Hole In One where the rest of us would not have to hear about it for the next fucking month.

Dateline: Massachusetts – Finally a politician who makes no secret of what his penis looks like and what he likes to do with it. You got it, flaunt it. Too bad the fucking staple covered over so much of it. The new senator supports a woman’s right to choose... sort of. This woman, and one hell of a woman she is, chooses to slam the skin rag shut, make some popcorn and watch the show, because it won’t be long till he’s on that fucking island with the former dem senator and all round prick from North Carolina and Mr. Glan Slam Thank-You Ma’am.

Dateline: Ottawa – Yeah, right! LMFAO. No news from here. The fucking assholes are taking a three-month holiday, eating perogies and getting fatter asses.

Dateline: Vancouver – 21 days to the Olympic Games. Whoop-de-fucking-doo! Today’s clusterfuck headline: they will be flying in snow. Yes, that’s right. There is no fucking snow for skiing. The only grooming that needs to be done to their ski-hill can be done with a Toro Riding mower and a can of fucking beer.

Dateline: Fenway Park – 40 days to first pitch in spring training. Time to order the duct tape for Paula and hope to hell Canada Post gets it here before the fucking playoffs.