DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 31st, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 31st, 2011

DATELINE: ROLLING IN GOLD IN THE MONEY VAULT – It’s Monday, so let’s speak of people getting fucked over… how the hell does it feel to know that Lloyd Blankfein, chief executive of Goldman Sachs, has seen a 42% boost in his bonus this year…. as well as seeing his salary tripled. In case there is ANYONE out there who has not suffered from the economic downturn, I should remind you that the bank itself saw profits fall 38% in the last year, but somehow, some way, they managed to bump this fucking asshole’s pay from $600,000 a year to a nice round $2M… why the fuck screw around with those uneven numbers! He was also awarded $12.9M in shares, almost doubling what his bonus was last year. You see, it seems that those fucking bankers consider a $600,000 to be too low for a yearly income. So thinks Vikram Pandit, the chief executive of Citigroup, who also got a $1,749,999 raise this year. At what point did they become worth even one fucking cent more than everyone else in the world, especially since the rest of the population didn’t get a nice bailout from the government? It’s long overdue that these fucking assholes be held to account… because we all known god damned well whose tables were robbed to fatten these already fat fat-cats.


DATELINE: LIVING IN A DISPOSABLE WORLD – That’s what it feels like these days, even, apparently, when it comes to our own children if you are Julie K Schenecker of Tampa, Florida. She was taking her 13 year old son Beau to soccer practice, something mom’s have been doing every day for a long time. She however, decided to shoot him enroute. What? She keeps a fucking gun in her car in case the kid gets mouthy? She plugged him, drove home, and parked the fuckin vehicle in the garage while she went upstairs to shoot her 16 year old daughter Calyx as she worked on her computer in her bedroom. Schenecker then went and sat on the back steps, covered in the blood of her babies. Her mother says she is depressed. When the fuck did that become acceptable? When the hell did it even remotely become excusable that we just pick up a fucking gun and pop a hole in our own children? They were mouthy? Find me a fucking teen who is NOT mouthy! If this woman had medical issues that might contribute to her not being able to make sound decisions, what the fuck was she doing in the same house with her kids? If there were issues as to stability, who the hell gave her a fucking gun? Someone has to be held to account for this – those two stolen lives demand that.

DATELINE: HIDING BEHIND THE LAW – I love that I live in a country that recognizes that people have the right of due process when accused of a crime. I hate how those rights are fucked with and twisted. In the wake of the fall of the Tunisian government under Zine al-Abedine Ben Ali, his big brother Belhassen Trabelsi has come running to Canada to seek refuge. The billionaire had already secured permanent residency status in Canada, and when the walls came tumbling down in the country he and his brother had already fucked up, he came running here with his wife, children and nanny. Tunisia considers him a criminal, wants him back to stand trial, as he should. Canada, however, has said that now he is here, he is entitled to the full process of the law, he is entitled to present and plead his case for asylum here, and that should he be found to be returnable, we will extradite him… in about ten years when he has exhausted his legal options and appeals. Here is the part that fucking burns my ass… here he is entitled to due process. I, however, am not if I happen to have one drink with my dinner, or have someone in my vehicle who had a drink, and we get stopped. Don’t get me wrong – I in no way advocate drinking and driving in ANY way, but I do embrace the fact that all of us have the right of due process, because, well… let’s face it, our cops here are definitely NOT a paragon of virtues and sound judgments. Just the smell of alcohol is enough to allow the police to impound my vehicle and take my drivers license for up to 90 days, without me having any recourse. I have no option of a court appearance, no option of fighting it, no way to get the ruling overturned… it is one hundred percent arbitrarily decided by the cop on the side of the road and what the hell his mood might be at the time. You gotta love a country that busts its fucking ass and spends millions of dollars protecting the rights of wanted criminals, while totally fucking over the rest of us. I guess someone has to pay for these fucking assholes to hide here though.

DATELINE: IN A CLOUDBURST OF CANNIBIS – Picture it; standing there in sunny Arizona, admiring the cactuses and lizards, when something slams into the back of your head. You turn around, look down, and find a fucking bale of weed at your feet, the ultimate pain killer for that pounding headache you now have. Only a fairy tale, you say? Hell no, not anymore. Forsaking the passé drug mule, planes and boats, traffickers in Sonora, Mexico have now returned to basics, using catapults to fling their drugs over the border into the US. They have built them on trailers, so they are totally mobile systems, allowing them to shoot 2 kilos of grass at a time. Can bigger versions of this delivery system be far behind? Perhaps we should expect circus cannons to line the borders next, offering affordable flights to the Promised Land? One has to wonder if the same would work in colder climates, perhaps sending washed-up reality television stars cum tea grannies from Alaska to Russia.

SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter

SUNDAY SERMON


Every Valley Shall be Exhalted, Every Mountain and Hill Made Low.

Have you ever sung the song, my children? Have you hopped in the car of your souls and driven through the valleys, over the mountains, watched as the Lord made the Hills low? Easy enough, I suppose, to drive through a valley or a mountain. Then there is that Hill Made Low! Why is the Hill Low, children? Our Lord made it so to help us all; of this there is no doubt. So why do we go in search of pain, trouble, torture, ill health, ill wealth? A few of the things that we lust for, right kiddos?

One time long, long ago I walked into a bar. This place of peace, of joy, of the love of mankind's sawdust filled escapades was where your good reverend indeed belonged. I had found a man who, when asked where was the worst dump around, answered me so: 'Just down the street, asshole. Ya can't fucking miss it!', to which I responded with quick thanks and a hearty high ho silver.

I sat gently in the corner of this dark abyss. I nurtured four fingers of the best they could find. Of course I had hammered one or two quickly then, as I said, settled in to await a victim. I did not have to wait for long.

'Hey Mister, ya wanna fuck fer a beer?' The first words I heard out of Wanda's lips. A fine woman. Tall, yet well rounded, teeth of an elderly mule. Yes a true beauty for a man such as I was.

'Of course I do, dear heart.' Even then I spoke often with the Lord's love in my heart. We sat for some time drinking. Soft, fine converstation distilled only on occasion by the thud of some poor man hitting the sawdust.

It was then that our Heavenly Father spoke directly to my heart. It was then that I rose, looked down on fair Wanda and asked her if she believed He made Every Hill Low?

'Christ almighty man, every slut in the barrio knows that. Damn you are some idiot mister!' Like I said -- she spoke to me as the angel of our Lord -- 'you wanna fuck for a beer?'

'Silly lady,' I replied. 'We have already spoken from our hearts. You have already partaken of many. The libidinous spirit speaks strongly, firmly from your soul. I do believe you have the Lord God of Hosts deep within your loins.'

To which she replied, 'fucking right I do, He gave me his love and a six pack. Hell of a fella, that God man.'

'Wanda, he truly found the Hills Made Low by our Father.'

With this in mind we entered into our contract.

Fullfilled, I walked the warmly lit streets of my heart. I had found through the love of our Lord that indeed all Hills had been Made Low.

####

With this love of your Lord, go now into the streets, sing the song of His Love, breath the fresh air, do not worry but walk in the Hills that He made Low so that you can find your way through the Barrio and into God's joint.

Love the Right Reverend D. Flakewaiter

JANUARY 22nd, 2011 -- ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

JANUARY 22nd, 2011 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: TEACHING EM YOUNG TO BOOM-CHAKA-CHAKA – What do you do when you have no plot, no writing and apparently no budget to produce a real crappy show? You have 16-year-olds strip down to almost nothing, snort a few lines, and go down on each other for the camera. You then change the name of it from Child Exploitation and Pornography to Skins and claim it is just portraying an accurate picture of life as a teenager and pulling in the money doing it, because there is nothing that appeals to a whole lot of sick handy-wankers than watching a show with naked kids. I can only imagine how long it will be before this is picked up as a regular staple for Vatican TV, because while the producers of this crap claim it ‘is a show that addresses real-world issues confronting teens in a frank way’, it is going to give total thrilly-chills to asshole pedophiles. It also really doesn’t do a heck of a lot to help parents who actually do try to teach their children that this fucked-up crap is neither glamorous or the right way to be popular, and can fuck up their lives. It’s a bit of a hard sell when the kids used on the show are raking in the cash for doing it.

DATELINE: HANDING OUT THE CRYING TOWELS – Camille Grammer could hardly make it though the season finally of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – imagine my pain at that fucking news. How the hell does this shit even get to be a real television program? Anyways, she cried her way through it, totally brokenhearted over her failed marriage with Kelsey Grammer. You wanna know how to be less humiliated, Camille? Do it like everyone else in the REAL fucking world has to do it, suck it up and quietly get on with the rest of your life. You are not the first person in the world to be married to a bastard, you will not be the last… but seriously honey, you are adding one hell of a lot of fuel to your ex’s fire as to why the hell he ditched you. Show some class… keep the details to yourself, because quite frankly, your melodramatic over-elitist privileged whining is just getting fucking annoying.

DATELINE: HEAVING A HUGE FUCKING SIGH OF RELIEF – You won’t believe it! Madonna and Prince no longer dislike each other!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEE. I have only one question… why the fuck is this considered news? This is kindergarten bullshit. They had a fight, they took some shots at each other in public over the last many years… all of it the result of unrequited love no doubt. I have a great idea for you both… Put it in a fucking song, then record the song, then sell the fucking recordings, then donate the money so that in some way this can have some significance to real fucking shit that is happening in the world. Now, if we can only get Piers Morgan to love Madonna again, so she can be on his new CNN show, the world will be positively perfect! It could be a bit of a tall order though, what with the ‘bread roll throwing incident in London’, the Canes Film Festival ‘involving a photographer and a bodyguard’ and the ‘pub’ incident. Add to that the ‘crime’ of Piers getting scooped on the Madonna pregnancy thing. Piers, sweetheart, it was Madonna the performer who was pregnant, not the real Madonna, so who gives a flying fuck if she was knocked up. ‘A series of crimes’? Give me a fucking break. It would be interesting to see how the hell these fucking idiots would manage with real fucking issues to deal with, especially without the media helping them to play them out. You are not going to find sympathy or understanding here, babies… so all of you should just grow the fuck up.

DATELINE: ROLLING UP THE RED CARPET – Ricky Gervais made some offending comments at the Golden Globes last Sunday? Well, thank Christ, because that means we do not have to go through the endless bullshit of who wore what, who looked like a whore, who spent the most money on their shoes and hair pins. For days after these events we are usually inundated with nothing that has to do with the actual awards, the work done by the actors, writers, producers, but rather who bought the prettiest fucking dress. Well, this time, at least it’s not the dress, but rather the pot shots taken at Charlie Sheen, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis and Robert Downey Jr. Come on, people… you want to live your lives in the spotlight, then put on some big kid pants and suck it up. God knows you make more money than fucking God for what you do, so call this a little bit of the dues you get to pay.

DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- January 21st, 2011

DATELINE: STANDING OUTSIDE THE VATICAN ‘GLASS HOUSE’ – If this wasn’t so fucking sad it would be hilarious. I’ll take Most Idiotically Moronically Hypocritical Comment of the Fucking Millennium’ for $2000, please, Alex. WOO HOO!!! It’s the fucking Double Jeopardy selection. The answer is… "The Church urges and invites everyone, especially those who hold a position of public responsibility [...] to commit themselves to a more robust morality, a sense of justice and legality,". The answer, Alex is, yet another piece of evidence that shows the Catholic Church has its collective heads up its ass. The statement was delivered by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, speaking out on the Vatican’s position regarding Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s current sex scandal. I am sorry, but is it only me that sees a problem in the catholic church criticizing anyone in regard to sexual activity and the legalities thereof? The church urges a more robust morality? How the fuck would they even know what morals are? How the hell do robust morals, or a sense of justice and legality apply to the repeated, covered-up, practically encouraged raping and abusing of children by catholic priests? The statement was delivered on behalf of the Holy See. Perhaps what the Holy See needs is a house of mirrors, not glass, so they can get some fucking perspective of their absolute undeniable sense of privilege and superiority. How about when they get their own fucking back yard cleaned up, then they start preaching to the rest of the world. Until then, they should just sit the fuck down and shut up, safely entrenched in their ongoing rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah right there in Vatican City.

DATELINE: IN THE DICTIONARY, DEFINING ‘STUPID’ – Cathy Cruz Marrero went on to Good Morning America to plead her case in preparation of her legal suite against a mall in Reading, Pa. Up until yesterday, no one had a fucking clue who she was, and probably didn’t give a damn. Her story is that on Wednesday last week, she was walking through the mall while texting, and while totally absorbed in texting her date of birth to the church – why we need to know this is really a bit beyond me – she didn’t see the giant fucking reflecting fountain in the middle of the place, and she walked right into it, falling face-first into the water. I defy anyone to see that and not fucking laugh, and why the hell not? She jumped up, jumped out of the water and took off through the mall. Now she is complaining that no one helped her, but watch the fucking video (which has now gone viral on YouTube) – there is no one around her to help. If she hadn’t jumped up and run out, I imagine people might have gone to her aid, but she jumped right back up and out. She then claims that she contacted Mall Security the next day, on Thursday, to complain, wanting to know why they didn’t help her, and why they didn’t contact her to apologize for what happened. How the fuck would they know who to phone to apologize, and what the fuck were they supposed to apologize for? She said that she didn’t want her identity known and didn’t want people to see what happened because she was embarrassed – so far the only thing to come out of her mouth that makes sense. The security person she talked to said that was understandable and would try to take drastic measures. The thing is, she said she didn’t know anything about the video until Friday when her nephew called. If store security released the video, they fucked up. BUT if Cathy Cruz Marrero did not want to be on public display, did not want to have her name out there for the world to see, did not want to be ridiculed, then what the fuck was she doing going on national television? She walked into the fucking fountain while texting and I am sorry but considering she was not hurt at all, it was totally dumbass fucking funny. Ms. Cathy Cruz Marrero who does not want people to know who she is should pull on some fucking big girl panties, have a fucking laugh quietly with the absolutely miniscule number of people who would have known it was her, and gotten on with her life instead of wanting to sue someone else for her fucking stupidity.

DATELINE: ON THE FOOT-IN-MOUTH WARD, RIGHT BESIDE SARAH PALIN – Tennessee Democrat Representative Steve Cohen has done his job, if his job was to prove that stupidity is truly, undeniably, and once again proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be non-partisan. Apparently the call for all politicians to take a step back from the fucking bullshit comments weren’t heard by him, or he thought perhaps they didn’t apply to him, especially when he opened up his mouth to make a comparison between the GOP’s position on healthcare and their efforts to pass legislation to the workings of Joseph Goebbels in his attempts to disparage the Jews in Germany. Think about that for a minute. Less than a week after Sarah Palin is on the mat for comparing her self-perceived political persecution to a blood-libel, this asshole again invokes a comparison absolutely totally reprehensible and inappropriate to civilized society… even if that civilized society is the uncivilized members of the two political parties. "Just like Goebbels, you say it enough, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, and eventually people believe it, the Germans said enough about the Jews and the people believed it and you had the Holocaust." After the fact, he said his comments were taken out of context, that he did not intend to offend and that the comparison was regarding tactics, not people. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo! Perhaps a little crash course in what things were like back then, perhaps some perspective on how this ‘end of the world’ issue is absolutely NOTHING compared to what was happening back then, because quite honestly the asinine fucking comments coming from politicians who believe their voice is the only right voice, their thoughts are the only logical thoughts and their issues are the only issues that should matter to the world, are getting fucking tired.

DATELINE: ON THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION – In the last year, in just the country of South Africa, 333 rhinos were killed. Of these, 10 were critically endangered Black Rhinos, of which there are only 4000 left in the world. The number of rhinos killed is triple what it was last year, and the tactics used now are drastically different. These high-tech poachers are using helicopters, night-vision goggles, tranquilizers and silencers to kill the rhinos at night, when it is almost impossible for them to be stopped. Here are some quick little tidbits for consideration: There are less than 4000 black rhinos left in the world and they are very slow to reach sexual maturity and reproduce; When Rhinos are poached, the only thing taken is the horn, which is hacked off, leaving the rest of the carcass to rot (the same applies for elephants which are poached for their ivory tusks). The reason for the increase? Well, up until now, thanks to the many-times debunked theories of Chinese medicine regarding the product, the horn of the rhino has been ground down and used to cure fever, gout, headaches, vomiting, and... wait for this one... ‘devil possession’. Yes, instead of some holy water, they kill rhinos for this. But now, some genius practitioner of Chinese medicine has decided that the ground up horn can also cure cancer... a claim that has very clearly, very positively been proven wrong many times. Rhino horn sells for from $21,000 to $54,000 per kilogram (2 pounds). I have a plan for curing the problem of poaching. You take any poacher caught, anyone caught in possession of the illegal horns, anyone caught selling them, transporting them or using them, and you take one of those nice knives they use, and fucking go for the gusto, whacking off their fucking horns just like they did to the animals, without the benefit of any tranquilizers or anything else... then just leave em laying there to die. If that happened once or twice, perhaps people will think a bit before they go out on illegal safari.

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 20, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 20, 2011

DATELINE: SO HIGH ON LIFE, THEY WILL NEVER URN – Okay, I know, bad fucking pun, but what the hell are you supposed to say when a couple of Miami teens break into a house and think they have hit the mother-load. They scurried back home with their treasure, what they thought was one hell of a load of cocaine, and started to snort. Eventually they realized that the two urns… yes, urns, contained the ashes of the homeowner’s deceased father and her two great danes – the big dog kind that probably at one time protected the house. When the idiots realized they were snorting dead bodies, they fleetingly considered returning the ashes to the home, but instead threw morals and the ashes into the lake because they were worried their fingerprints might be on them. The urns were retrieved, and five teenagers were arrested for a string of burglaries, including this one. Thank God stupidity is not a crime, or these fucking brainiacs would never see the light of day again.

DATELINE: SERVING UP A LOAD OF BULL – One of the largest commercial meat processing plants in British Columbia was discovered to have ignored test results that said their meat was contaminated with E Coli. The manager of the plant said he thought the employee who delivered the results had ‘doctored’ the results because he was not really a happy employee. In fact, he took the initial report, crumpled it and threw it away. When the employee then went to the resident meat inspector, he got an acknowledgement but no action. So, because the manager of the plant was an asshole, hundreds of lives were put at risk from the contaminated meat. Yet, because of millions of miles of provincial bullshit red tape, forced on provincial residents under the guise of protecting the public, hundreds of small butcher shops and meat processing businesses in rural towns were forced to shut down, and it was made next to fucking impossible for a farmer to get his own god damned meat processed. Yes, this makes lots of sense. Everyone is supposed to funnel their meat through the several large plants for everyone’s safety, and this is how the large plants are run? The small butcher shops were never an issue, but this was nothing more than a political boondoggle, meant to sweeten corporate and political coffers. Now they have an admission that the assholes at Pitt Meadows Meat can fudge or ignore contamination reports without hesitation? It’s another fine example of just how fucking wonderful the government works for the people. Heads have rolled because of the incident, but not the right ones, and certainly not those who knew and decided to disregard the evidence. I certainly know that meat processed through that plant will never be served in my house... hopefully others will take the same action and speak in the only language these assholes understand; the language of money.

DATELINE: WADING INTO THE DEEP END ON A DIVISIVE ISSUE – The issue? Abortion, but I suspect regardless of which side of the fence you find yourself on the issue, this story will rock you – and it comes with a warning; this is not for the faint of heart. Dr Kermit Gosnell of Philadelphia is facing a long list of charges, (including the murder of a mother who was given an accidental overdose of outdated medications by unqualified, uncertified staff) for performing very late term dangerous abortions that then required him to kill the viable babies delivered. He offered his mud-room services to women who were poor, young and/or desperate, made millions of dollars performing a service that no ethical doctor would perform. The procedures were done in filthy facilities with untrained personnel, outdated equipment and drugs that were past their shelf life. It was not because of any of this that the police got involved. I would love to somehow understand how the hell this man and his special services were known to women, apparently even those from a long way away, yet no one in the medical community, the law or the state had a clue of what he was doing. There were repeated reports made to state regulators, but none that were deemed worthy of investigation. I have no idea how there can be complaints about this that wouldn't rise eyebrows. It was a complaint to the police involving the selling of illegal prescriptions that got the police involved finally. Their investigation turned up many sick, infected, maimed women this son of a bitch had butchered. It turned up evidence of viable babies that had been born in the clinic, who had their necks sliced open to the point of severing their spinal cords in order to kill them; they were then thrown away. Police found 45 fetuses stored in milk cartons, juice bottles, and bags, shoved into refrigerators and freezers. They have evidence of him killing hundreds of babies, of him inflicting great harm to women as he attempted to extract near full-term fetuses, leaving parts of their bodies still inside the mothers to create dangerous infections. There is a reason late-term abortions are illegal in many places -- because of the fact that the babies delivered at that stage are viable, and the taking of their lives is, at that point, undeniably murder. This bastard has preyed on women in distress for years, apparently without reservation or remorse. There is no penalty severe enough, no hell hot enough for this vile creature and the eight people who worked with him and allowed this massacre to continue. State regulators need to be held to account for this as well; why it was never inspected, why complaints were never followed-up on, because this allowed Gosnell to continue to kill. It is also to be hoped that the medical community, in the light of this case, will be more vigilant in watching for and reporting the fallout from assholes like Gosnell.

DAILY NEWS -- January 19th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: WAITING FOR THEIR ISSUE OF PITCHFORKS AND ASBESTOS SUITS – I have a great fucking idea... lets make the man who allowed this bullshit to happen, who particiapted in it, a saint! While reading this please remember that the 'Blessed' John Paul II was at the helm for ALL of this, for more than twenty years. It was only a matter of time before it came about… you just fucking knew it was going to happen, but it would have been much better to have happened many years ago. A letter has surfaced, one stating in no uncertain terms (despite absolutely ludicrous attempts by the current Vatican legal buffoons to claim otherwise) that bishops were instructed to not report any incidents of child abuse or pedophilia to legal authorities. This is a two part story. In the first part, we learn of the letter that was sent to Irish bishops shortly after they released a paper and policy about having to take action against priest pedophilia in their country. The letter was the work of Archbishop Luciano Storero, the Vatican’s diplomat in Ireland, and stressed that the Congregation of the Clergy, a very senior panel at the Vatican, headed by Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos (in 1997 and now) ruled that the Irish church’s new policy of mandatory reporting of abuse to legal authorities conflicted with canon law. Such reporting “gives rise to serious reservations of both a moral and canonical nature”. Moral? This fucking asshole dared to say there were moral issues involved with reporting a crime to the police? He called the document prepared by the Irish bishops to be nothing more than a ‘study document’ and that the current church law which required all abuse allegations to be handled only within the church ‘must be meticulously followed’. It should be noted that Cardinal Castrillon Hoyos is the same cardinal who told a Colombian radio station that under no circumstance should a person be forced to report abuse. He stated in a radio interview “The law in nations with a well-developed judiciary does not force anyone to testify against a child, a father, against other people close to the suspect. Why would they ask that of the church? That is injustice.” I have no idea what fucking planet he lives on, but the sexual abuse of a child is the injustice, allowing someone to continue to do so, with a steady supply of victims, is injustice, and when the hell did the church become the equivalent of a family member? In a nice little aside, this fucking asshole, in 2001, sent a letter of congratulations to a bishop in France because said bishop successfully concealed, in legal proceedings, his knowledge of a priest who was raping and abusing minors, netting that pedophile priest a suspended sentence. I suspect someone should be looking into how many people Castrillon Hoyos has abused, because my spidey senses are going nuts that this guy is working overtime to hide his own shit and justify it in some totally disgusting manner.

The second part of the story is that Vatican legal counsel has said the letter that was issued in 1997 telling the bishops they were forbidden from reporting any abuse cases was ‘deeply misunderstood’. Take a minute to think about that. A letter that explicitly says they are not to report it because it will be handled in-house was ‘deeply misunderstood’? Oh please, elucidate for us! According to Rev. Federico Lombardi, the intent of the 1997 letter to bishops in Ireland was to simply ensure that church law was followed to the letter so that priests who were pedophiles would not be able to evade church punishment because of a technicality. What? I think they have been watching too much fucking Law and Order. They didn’t want to have the assholes evade church punishment… which at the time equaled an all-expense paid transfer to a new parish and a new flock. The time has come for the world to STOP pussyfooting around Rome, the Pope and the Vatican. It is time for a global effort to stop the systematic epidemic of abuse within the church. Search warrants should be issued to access their records… ALL of them, diplomatic ties should be cut… ALL of them, and parishioners should pull their heads out of their asses and take a fucking stand with a whole lot of empty collection plates, because in all seriousness, there but for the grace of God, go their own children. No child is safe where the Catholic Church is concerned, and if that isn’t the saddest fucking statement I have ever typed, I don’t know what is, because I have know a number of absolutely wonderful, devoted, honorable men who have dedicated their life to serving God and would never hurt a child. There aren’t enough of them though, and the time has come to stop this bullshit. The crime now is if they are allowed to get away with this for even one more fucking day.

DATELINE: SITTING ON THE ROYAL CRAPPER – Oh, wait… that should be throne. A new private members bill was presented to British politicians, proposing that the rule of succession for the British throne be amended to remove the exclusion of sex as a factor in who ranks where in the royal family chain. This is in preparation for the next generation of Windsors as Prince William and Kate Middleton prepare to marry – because we just aren’t hearing enough about that already. Should their first child be a girl, Labour MP Keith Vaz believes she should have the right of first succession regardless of whether or not she has a younger brother. That it has taken this fucking long for the brits to get around to this is disgusting. That we should really give a rat’s ass about who takes the throne, because it is really only a photo op position of absolutely no authority or import, is ludicrous and, honestly, insulting. In a time where people are struggling to make ends meet, where we go from day to day wondering if we will have a roof over our heads come the end of the month, to watch the hubbub with a multi-million dollar glitter-fest is insulting and hateful, especially when you look at many of the starving, dying children in the many countries of the Queen’s Commonwealth.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF NUCKING FUTS!! – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in preparation of talks with world powers, stated that nothing will derail his nuclear program, which he claims is making steady process. Even ‘100,000 United Nations Security Council resolutions’ will stop his efforts, and there is no discussion to be had regarding Iran’s rights to enrich uranium. He will be meeting with US, British, French, German, Russian and Chinese officials – and despite the fact that good old Mahmoud is to power and authority, as Wimpy is to a fucking hamburger factory, what grounds do any of these countries have in denying someone else the right to enrich uranium? Other than Germany, they all have nuclear arsenals. I am not sure why India and Pakistan haven’t been invited to the party, and perhaps Israel could be standing in the back of the room, watching but feigning non-participation, but at any moment, any one of these countries could find themselves with an absolute fucking nutcase at the helm (it is seriously not beyond the realm of possibility! Some of em are awfully damned close already) and then where will we be? And what of those countries like Russia who make a hobby of selling this shit to other nutcases, like Huge Chavez, who is building up a very lovely arsenal himself? Who the hell are these countries to decide who has what weapons? Yes, it scares the living crap out of me that all these damned countries have nuclear capabilities. Sorry – but I am not so comfortable with any one of them that has the ability, because they are really only one nutcase away from causing major fucking destruction.

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 18th, 2010

DATELINE: FOLLOWING THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD –Former US Vice President Dick Cheney said he would eventually have to consider a heart transplant. Transplant? Perhaps he should instead start singing and skipping down the road through munchkin land in search of the Wizard of Oz… Just because I'm presumin, 'That he could be a human, If he only had a heart.

DATELINE: AT WALMART, BUYING OUT ALL THEIR DUCT TAPE – Why? You might ask? Well, didn’t you hear Sarah Palin??? She will not be shut up. She said it herself. So, because she can’t help but either put her foot in her mouth or spew stupid from her mouth, it is time for a fucking duct tape intervention.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF DUCT TAPE – It is long overdue to call some of these stupid fucking news anchors on the dumbass questions they ask. It’s bad enough that here in BC we have to suffer through the gallactically stupid morning desk jock, but on all stations, the dumb question has taken on epidemic proportions. This morning, as police officers from all over the country gather to bury one of their own, an incredibly somber situation and one deserving utmost respect, took the stupid to a new level. While interviewing an infield reporter who was standing in front of the police officers as they assembled, she asked ‘what is the mood there?’ Huh? What the fuck does she think the mood would be? It’s like asking someone who just watched a loved one killed ‘how do you feel?’ The absolutely fucking dumb up-yer-ass questions: yet another reason for people to tune out the news. Despite the stupidity, prayers go out to the family of Toronto Police Department Sergeant Ryan Russell, who was killed in the line of duty last week.

DATELINE: IN HAITI, MAKING A BAD SITUATION WORSE – Baby Doc Duvalier still has not revealed his reason for returning to Haiti, but it cannot be coincidental that he arrived as the country is dealing with a totally fucked up election process while the country is in dire need and total confusion. The fact that he is not behind bars is disconcerting, but not surprising. That other countries hide assholes like this instead of making them stand up and account for what they have done is appalling but apparently not going to change in our lifetime, because some countries just don’t have the fucking balls to stand up and do the right thing either, preferring instead for other countries to clean up the clusterfucks they create. As we sit here shaking our heads at the fact that anyone in Haiti could consider his return providential, we also have to bear in mind a couple of little details. The first is that the country is in total chaos, absolutely rudderless and feeling the effects of that in a very real way. Watching loved ones perish to disease and starvation, watching them be abused, raped, and bullied, knowing every damn day is the same struggle for even the most basic of life’s needs makes people reach for any lifeline. Another issue to take into consideration, especially considering the huge number of candidates running for President, is that they have no way to get papers, no way to know what all the candidates are about or what they are saying, because the flaps of their tents don’t come with electrical outlets so they can plug in the radios and televisions they don’t have. More to the point though, the vast majority of the people in Haiti were not even alive when Baby Doc and his Tonton Macoute were running the country 25 years ago.

DATELINE: HUNG BY THE HORSE -- Metaphorically speaking, of course. Stephanie Six (29) was standing outside a bar in Florida, waiting with some friends before they went home for the night, when police approached them and told them to get on their way. The cops weren’t overly polite in the request – nothing new there, these days -- but one of the cops was on a horse, and as horses tend to do, this one shifted a bit, pinning Stephanie against the wall. Stephanie, in response, reached out and touched the horse, and set off a shit storm of incredible proportions. She was arrested for ‘battery on a police horse’, put in jail for twelve hours, and has been accused of being an animal abuser. Now, I have been around a lot of horses, have pushed and slapped a number of them when they get their big asses bouncing around. They can be intimidating as hell to someone who is not used to them. This was Six’s first interaction with the police, heinous criminal that she is. Too bad her first one had to be so fucking deep in horse shit.

DATELINE: STARRING IN THE SOAP OPERA OF LIFE – Well, actually the soap is called Chepe Fortuna, a South American soap opera that has been taken off the air… because one of the characters has a dog named Little Hugo. The owner of the dog is named Venezuela and she has a sister called Columbia, and the two, just like the countries, have been known to have their spats. In the various storylines, Venezuela is "repeatedly characterized as associated with crime, interference and vulgarity" and this has caused that laugh-a-minute despot leader (not so little) Hugo Chavez to take issue with the show, and to demand its removal from the Venezuelan airwaves. It has me thinking that my little Poopsie, my pink tea-cup poodle Adolf, needs a brother, a pink yappy Chihuahua named Hugo. The dog, however, will probably have a sense of humor, something the politician is clearly in desperate fucking need of.

DATELINE: NOT HAVING SO MUCH FUN IN THE SUN – Rebecca Rutland (41) and her fiancé were spending New Years Eve In Playa Del Carmen a few weeks back. While there, shortly before midnight, the police wanted to search them, and when her fiancé stated his objection because they had been doing nothing wrong, the two were taken into custody, then the nightmare began. Rutland was tossed in a cell, had her jewelry and money stolen by the police officers, was subjected to a vicious search that ended in her being forced to perform oral sex on the officer searching her, and then was repeatedly raped by several members of the police force. For 18 hours, she was held in custody, raped, abused, despite the fact that a supervisor walked in, watched, then left without doing anything. When she was released from custody, she required hospitalization for broken ribs and bite marks that had already become infected. She was bruised and battered, and yet Mexican authorities deny that anything happened at all. Even if the couple were the most wild partiers in the world, there is nothing that justifies this behavior by police, and based on their reactions and statements, one has to assume the police are more than practiced at lying their way through this. The holes in the story offered by police are big enough for me to drive my rig through, and the audacity and arrogance their lies show are staggering. It is time for people to hold Mexican authorities to account, or for Canadians to take a much harder stance about tourism there, because the reported incidents of this nature are far too common. If it is this bad for tourists going there, how the hell terrible is it for the people who live in that mess? Mexico is now definitely off my list of places I have any interest in visiting.

DATELINE: INTRODUCING POT TO KETTLE – This weekend, Abbotsford Police recommended that charges be laid against Kelowna RCMP Constable Geoff Mantler in the incident of Mantler kicking a compliant man in the face. Abbotsford Police were given the task of doing the official criminal investigation into the incident. But then, what do we see on the news the next day? A video of Abbotsford Police involved in ‘questioning’ two men about a possible drug deal. In the video, both suspects are cooperative, instantly lie down on the ground and put their hands behind their heads. But that’s not good enough. The cop, with his sidearm trained on the one suspect, starts to kick the man, steps on his head, kicks him in the head, while his partner walks over the back of the man’s legs… while he is laying on the pavement. Yes, these are the men to investigate a kicking incident in Kelowna. What the fuck is wrong with the police now? Why are they on such a fucking powetrip, enforcing laws that clearly do not need to be applied to themselves? I have known many, have worked with many, and remember the days when police were trained to defuse a situation rather than instigate, when police respected that a person was innocent until proven guilty, and was not in need of having boots put to them for no reason at all. For the sake of all the good cops out there, and there are some, it is about time the bad ones were reined in and held to account, because the trust and respect will only continue to erode the longer this goes on.

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 17th, 2010 - BLUE MONDAY

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 17th, 2010 - BLUE MONDAY

DATELINE: SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE JANUARY DOLDRUMS – Are you blue? You’re supposed to be, because this is Blue Monday. We probably spent billions of fucking dollars doing studies on this shit, because we really needed a name for the Monday, already a blue day for many, that is supposed to be the most depressing Monday of all. Bills from Christmas, crappy cold weather, and short dark days all combine to make the perfect psychological storm. We need to kick this fucking blue funk. Giving it a name only makes more of us aware of the fact that we are supposed to be blue; giving it that name is a fucking self-fulfilling prophesy. They should have called it “Let’s Pretend is Summertime” Monday, so people would get their damned Hawaiian shirts and berkys out of storage and have some fucking fun, but no, we had to call it something to make the day even more fucking depressing. So, if it’s Blue Monday, I suggest we revolt! Slip into your fuzzy blue cookie monster slippers, pour a couple of Blue Moons, put some Bobby Vinton on the turntable, and just to keep it fucking real, a constant feed of Blue Lagoon on the movie channel (with the prerequisite extra tray full of fucking blue drinks). Blue is relative, people… there are a lot of people who have a lot of reasons to be blue, but if you are not up to your neck in rubble or rain, you have a roof, your family is healthy and can put food on the table, then put that blue shit in the closet, and slap a fucking smile on your face. There is nothing better than proving a fucking government study wrong.

DATELINE: HITTING BACK AT THE GROPE DOPES – This weekend, two incidents surfaced of the assholes in the Airport Security uniforms being abusive with elderly women, both of whom had mastectomies. The first one originally set off the alarm with a pin in her leg, then was pulled aside and asked if she had any liquids or gels on her, to which the 82-year-old replied that she did not. When she went through the full-body scanner machines though, a silicon prosthesis for her breast showed up, causing the attendants to call her a liar and submit her to a ‘vigorous’ pat-down, the whole time making disparaging comments. The woman was totally humiliated as in front of everyone else waiting to go through security, she was forced to reveal her gel prosthesis. The second woman was also in her 80’s, was also subjected to the major grope and was forced to put her hands up over her head. She explained that she could not do that, because she had no range of motion with the arm because of her recent surgery. Despite the pain involved in lifting her arms over her head, the attendant ‘helped’ by pushing up on the arms while continuing to ridicule her for the rest of the crowd to hear. As the woman screamed in pain, the assholes did their jobs, because God knows, we have to watch the 85-year-old Blue Hair Brigade for their nefarious, subversive agenda. It’s nice to know that the arrogance of these power tripping assholes gives them the right to abuse in the performance of their job. If they had even one fucking clue, they would realize that their day, and everyone else’s, would go so much better if they did what they have to do with a fucking smile and a modicum of respect.

DATELINE: BOWING DOWN BEFORE THE FACEBOOK GODS – No, I am not talking about any fucking movie awards, nor am I commenting on their stupid way of changing everything on the damned site all the time, or their ‘new’ profiles. I am, however, throwing a huge fucking thumbs up to the social networking system for the inclusion of Amber Alerts. People can now go to the Amber Alert page, click on their location, and get automatically all Amber Alerts for their area as soon as they are released, as well as updates to what is happening. This is one of the truly marvelous uses for the system, and hopefully will help save the lives of many children. Please sign up, and when you get an Alert, please share it. There are over 800,000 children abducted each year. Let’s make it harder for that to happen.

DATELINE: RETURNING TO HAITI TO PICK WHATEVER IS LEFT FROM THEIR BONES – That would be Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier, the former exiled leader, who arrived back in Haiti this weekend. I can hardly wait to hear the fucking whitewash he will be spewing in his press conference scheduled for today. For those of you who cannot remember, Baby Doc was the dictator who gave us that wonderful group of nasties called the Tonton Macoute, a secret police force that tortured, then killed, anyone who questioned, critisized or opposed Duvalier. Baby Doc robbed the country of millions of dollars, killed the tourism industry there, and totally entrenched those living outside Port Au Prince, and many within the capital city, in a lifetime of abject poverty. As his country began to revolt at the end of 1985, President Ronnie ‘A people free to choose will always choose peace’ Reagan began to negotiate ‘through channels’ for Baby Doc to flee the country, just not to the USA. In early February 1986, Duvalier and his family boarded a US Air Force plane destined for France, where he has lived in luxurious exile... until now. It was pointed out in 2007 by the Haitian government that Duvalier was welcome to return to his homeland, but that he would be instantly held to account for the thefts of millions of dollars and the murder of thousands of people, but with the current state of affairs in that country I suspect we will not be seeing him in cuffs as he pitches his greatness to the masses today. Sadly, because no one else has been able to offer any fucking effective help to people at large, because they are totally desperate for someone to help them in their plight, because they are in total political disarray, the speech today could start a whole new chapter of increased despair and hardship for a people already socially and politically tortured enough in their everyday existence. ‘Free people’? I guess ‘freedom’ is a quantitative anomaly, because while these people are free to cast a vote, they are prisoners of their own overwhelming disasters, and at this point, they will choose whatever might offer even the tiniest glimmer of hope, even if it is more bullshit held together with glitter-glue. If all great change, as President Reagan stated, starts at the dinner table, the people of Haiti have no hope at all. Someone build them a fucking dinner table... it’s long overdue.

SUNDAY SERMON with The Rever-end Dillinger Flakewaiter

Once upon a time in a far distant land full of wealth a small six year old girl sat amidst cow dung eating shit.

"Yum yum!" Squeeled the frail tot. "Best damn shit I ever ate!" A veritable volume of energy she simply could not get enough shit.

"What is your name child eating shit?"

"No, no kind sir my name is not Child Eating Shit. It is Nancy, my mother named me that."

"Ah, so your name is Nancy Child Eating Shit, then?"

"Oh you are silly!" As the child spoke she continued to shove shit into her mouth. After every gulp she burped, smiled, scoured the ground for more.

"So I assume you are quite pleased with yourself Nancy Child Eating Shit. It is a grand land we live in when any child can simply sit in it. Oh to rapture with the shit eating children. I must tell you Nancy that not all children are so fortunate. No, no indeed they are not. I do hope you realize your great place in this wonderful land of ours. Oh, of course you do. Silly me. I can see by the look, that lovely smile, the shit on your face that you do realize, appreciate the great gifts this land has been able to offer you. I am correct are not I Nancy Child Eating Shit? Oh tell me I am, please!"

Yes sir you most certainly are correct. I am indeed very fortunate as you say. By the way, my last name is Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap, not Nancy Child Eating Shit. My cousin Gloria is Gloria Child Eating Shit. We are very close you know."

"That is nice. It is important to be close to others of ones' kind is it not?"

"So I have heard!" Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap farted long and loud after an almost as long and loud belch.

"Child that is quite rude! Has no one person taught you about passing gas, belching, while eating shit?"

"Oh sir I am so, so sorry! Do you think you could possibly forgive me for being so indelicate?"

"How old are you Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap?"

"I am all of six years sir. Do you forgive me? I would hate having to eat things other than shit! Please do not punish me sir, I beg of you!" The child sat. She swam in shit. Spread her arms out in shit. A lovely tiny angel sitting as she should.

####

The relentless voice of love.

####

"Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap I forgive you. Do try to watch your manners in future would you?"

"Oh, thank you sir. If you were to punish me I would indeed be a lost child. Thank you, thank you!"

"I must leave you now fortunate child. Enjoy my love, my forgivness. Try to understand that not every little girl is allowed to eat shit. You are so very special. Goodbye now Nancy Wash Your Mouth Out With Soap."

"Yum, yum! I am so lucky!"


####


Consider the above carefully my flock. Go in search of the child. Someday it will be your child. Harsh I hear you scream. Not a bit harsh. Simply a tale of modern spiritual love to aid you all, myself, my children, your children.
Does this child live within or without?
Yum, yum! We are so lucky!

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DAILY NEWS, SATURDAY JANUARY 15th, 2011
ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY!

DATELINE: IN THE CLOSET WITH HIS DIOR GOWN AND MANOLO BLAHNIK SHOES – There is nothing so grand as a down and dirty, roll in the gutter, publicly fought celebrity divorce, and do we have a good one on the go now. Camille Grammer, talking to Howard Stern, has this week implied that Kelsey, the long-time star of his own show Frasier, is a cross-dresser. Now, I am not really sure just how that ‘happens’ to come up in conversation, and I am not really sure why the hell I am supposed to give a crap about what the man likes to wear under his trousers or under his own roof, but you have to admit, that gig worked like a charm for Klinger in M*A*S*H – it didn’t get him out of the army, but it sure as hell got him a great spot in our hearts. Camille, hon, perhaps it’s time you stopped trying to appeal to the court of public opinion, because we really don’t need to know the details, and you spewing this crap in the media only makes you look foolish. Take the high road… if he was an asshole, and one suspects that a phoned-in request for divorce is not only asshole-ish but also cowardly, you are better off to let him go (sans a couple cool million from his bank account) and let him seek his youth with his newest in-flight dish. Your life could be so much worse, like if he gave you a secret Brazilian retreat all of your very own, and it just got washed down the mudslide. Sorry, but it’s sympathy you want for your impending ‘hardships’, you’re better off looking in a dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ than you are crying to the public via Howard Stern. You are losing an asshole husband… not your home, not your health, not your life, so pull on some big girl panties… preferably not a set from Kelsey’s bureau, though, okay?

In other news, *insert eye roll here* Kelsey Grammer told David Letterman this week that he and his new love interest, Kayte Walsh are already planning to walk down the aisle next month. ‘She’s my new girl’ he said with a smile. Nice to know that women are disposable… either that, or he just has to keep something handy to nail with the old Grammer hammer.

DATELINE: WATCHING SPLASH-DOWN AFTER A METEORIC RISE – Three weeks ago, Ted Williams was standing on the side of a road holding a sign begging for money and work for his gifted voice. Two weeks ago, we watched the emotional reunion of Williams with his 93-year-old mother as he started down his road to fame and future. This week, there he was on Doctor Phil, having a very public ‘intervention’ because of a fight he had with his daughter, and his daughter’s accusations that he was drunk. Welcome to the world of celebrity. I hope that someone grabs a brain enough to help him navigate the hostile shark-filled waters he is now swimming in, that the media backs the hell off and, when Williams gets out of rehab, he is allowed to just live his damned life, with a job and an income – it’s all the guy was asking for.

DATELINE: CAUGHT IN A WEB OF DISASTER – At the risk of being mistaken for offering the first line of a joke, did you hear that the opening of the Spiderman production has been postponed? Again? For the gazillionth time? After having four actors injured in the production, a plethora of technical glitches, crappy reviews and, in December, the lead actress walking away from the project, they have announced that there will be another delay ‘to rehearse the new ending’. In the few performances that have been held, attendance has been almost a sell-out, but with the absolutely fucking crazy amount of money spent on this so far, it would have to sell out every performance for the next many years just to break even. If they don’t seriously get their shit together, I can already see the new ending in my mind’s eye… a charity benefit concert for major investor Bono.

DATELINE: DREAMING OF A REMOTE ISLAND WITH NO TELEVISION RECEPTION – Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I can hardly contain my excitement!! The two token celebs that will be partaking in the newest Survivor will be none other than Russell the pipsqueak asshole and Boston Rob, the most overused contestant in the history of reality television. Always searching for that one cutesy hook to bring the viewers back in to be voyeurs of the bitchy, backstabbing handshakes and deals for ‘survival’, the show has dipped into its bag of old, washed-up driftwood and come up with two contestants who in no way imaginable ‘need’ a million dollar win. Their participation should have been contingent on them donating their potential payout to charity but no, instead we will watch these two and their colossal egos lie, steal and cheat to get that holy grail that has evaded them for so long… well, okay, not really. Not in Boston Rob’s case, because he married the million dollar winner from his first time at bat, then won the million on The Amazing Race, but in his other two times on Survivor, he didn’t win, so really, give the poor guy a fucking break, right? And Russell… the poster child for Small Man Syndrome, with an ego the size of fucking Texas and the bank account to match, is on for his third time, so he can brag about how he controls the game all the way through, then bitch and whine at the end when the jury decides he is just too much of an asshole to be given the pot, and again we can see another display of amazing grace in defeat. There is a simple way to stop the bullshit… switch the pitch, people, and tell them all that their 15 minutes of fame is long gone.

DATELINE: LEADING THE PARADE AS THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN – I know this is not really a typical artsy-fartsy fluff crap day story, but what the hell… its theatre at its best, filled with irony and smoke and mirrors. Yesterday the Pope announced that Pope John Paul II has been beatified, moving him a step closer to sainthood. Whereas in most other cases it takes years, decades, even centuries for all the criteria to be met in order for the halo to be bestowed on holy head, this time we are taking the fast track. The only thing left on the old check-off sheet is the confirmation of one more miracle, and you know, those with the direct line to God have already predicted when it will come, and when the J2P2 will receive his final proclamation, complete with wings and harp. They are already planning for the investiture to take place, already proposing dates in 2011 when it will happen, are already making room for him in the nave of St Peter’s, the place where the truly holy are rolled to from their commonplace papal crypts in the basement. The coffin, interestingly will not be opened, although one of the standards for sainthood had been that the body does not decompose. Guess they don’t want to open that Pandora’s box. So, despite the many thousands of people who were raped and abused by priests during John Paul II’s reign, despite the many bishops and cardinals who were told to cover it up, despite the hundreds of thousands of orphaned children in Africa, alone because their parents perished from AIDS because the church forbids them to use condoms despite the fact that they tested HIV positive, despite the fact that many of these children themselves have AIDS and will die early in life because they have no way to afford the cost of treatment, despite the many backroom deals brokered to pay off and purchase the silence of victims while priests were taught to do the ‘Shuffle Off To Boston’ two-step, yes, we will bow down and scrape the ground before this man who deserved to be fast-tracked to sainthood. I guess it was better this way, before people really had the chance to assess all that he didn’t do.

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- FRIDAY JANUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: STAR GAZING – I have no idea how he will take the news, but Jesus is no longer a Capricorn. With the addition of a thirteenth sign of the zodiac, Ophiuchus, Jesus has been bumped down to Sagittarius, and if nothing else, this totally fucks up the lyrics to the song… not that it was a great song, but holy crap, I am getting tired of this changing words in stories and songs shit this week. This time, the old switcheroo of the words is due to changes in the Earth’s alignment, so I have no idea who the hell you file your complaint with, but there has to be someone. I check my damned horrorscope every day; it nails me to a T, defines me, guides me. Does this mean it has been lying to me all along? Oh, wait… mine didn’t change. I guess they know not to mess with perfection. Ophiuchus is the snake holder – a rather over-muscled dude with an anaconda wrapped around him in a very provocatively phallic manner – how fucking Freudian is that!! If you are an Ophiuchus, you are an interpreter of dreams and have vivid premonitions (that could be the drugs though), attract good luck (have horse shoes up yer ass), have lofty ideals (have your head up yer ass as well) and are a seeker of peace and harmony (and we are full circle back to the drugs). You are a gatherer of people (the size of yer snake might have something to do with this), a seeker of higher education and wisdom (yeah, that’s you… so come to the mountain). You lean towards medicine (told ya, it’s the drugs) and poetry, prefer supervisory tasks (apparently with your head and those horseshoes up there, yer ass has become lazy), want a high position in life (stoner!) and crave fame, but usually don’t achieve that till yer are dead – c’est la vie! Here is the new revised list of who is who when in zodiacal terms.
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

DATELINE: IN ARCHIE BUNKER’S LIVINGROOM – Where else would one sit to learn about the Meathead law that is now coming into effect in Seattle. You gotta fucking love something called the Meathead Ordinance. Passed unanimously by Seattle City Council, it allows the police to write tickets for fighting, making threats and creating noise, designed to curb the frivolities of late night bar patrons at closing time. The law is only in effect between the hours of midnight and 5am, and applies to car horn honking, engine revving, crying, shouting, screaming, and talking in loud voices during these hours, and will result in a $100 fine. Instead, now you will hear all night long people shushing each other, a noise akin to air escaping the tires of the entire fleet of Oscar Meyer Wienie-Mobiles, and giggling their asses off with every fart and burp, because there is nothing less quiet than a drunk trying to be quiet. At least with the car horns and revving engines you will not have to listen to the sound of these partiers puking on the sidewalk.

DATELINE: GETTING DOWN TO THE NITTY TITTY IN THE AIRPORT SECURITY LINE – The TSA has been taught a valuable lesson, and it is about God damned time! In 2008, while patting down a young woman, the agent ‘accidently’ **wink wink** pulled her shirt down far enough to expose the woman’s chest. (Since the chest belonged to a 24-year-old from Texas, one has to assume they were a couple of fine attributes – they usually are.) Whether accidental or not, the woman deserved to receive a profound apology immediately, but instead received a string of jokes and off-color comments. In the good old days, a woman would be fully within her rights in such a situation to kick the fucking nuts off the ignorant asshole who ‘made the mistake’ then had the incredibly low class to make fun about it, but now, while in that wonderful line, we just smile and accept… then file complaints and talk to lawyers. This time, thank God, the courts sided with the woman and ordered damages of an undisclosed amount to be paid. One way to avoid being caught in the dreaded pat-down feel-up from the TSA is to not purchase the all new underwear that is made with imbedded special ink that blurs the juicy bits. While this new product is designed to protect your dignity while going through the total body peek-a-boos, the TSA sees it at a warning flag and it will automatically single you out for their daily special grope of the day. Face it, people, come hell or high water, you will have no secrets when you are boarding a plane; the best you can home for is not to give everyone else in the security line a peep show as well.

DATELINE: READING MY FORTUNE FROM TOLL-HOUSE COOKIES – This fortune says ‘he who does not pay tolls spends rest of life in prison’. A farmer in China, unable to afford the tolls required for his two-truck gravel delivery side business, slapped some military license plates onto his vans, got his hands on a couple of military uniforms, and for nine months ran his vehicles back and forth for free. When later calculating the cost of what those tolls should have been, it was determined he defrauded the government of 3.5 million yuan (about $530,000 USD). How the hell is anyone supposed to pay half a million fucking dollars in tolls in nine months and still be expected to afford tires, gasoline, a roof over their head, food or anything else? Half a million fucking dollars! This gives new meaning to highway robbery. When the man was caught, he was sentenced to life in prison for his heinous crime, and was given a 2 million yuan ($302,000 USD) fine to pay as well, a fine which he has no hope in hell of paying. Are their streets made of gold or something? Shi Jianfeng received a sentence that, even in Chinese terms, is more harsh than that handed down for rape or murder. There is something stinking in the state of Henan, and it is not the raw monkey brains or the donkey meat soaked in tiger urine – well, it probably is those things as well, and the ensuing bile-licious puke, but I meant in the metaphorical sense.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY – IF YOU ARE A BIG BANKER, AT LEAST – On the heels of hearing that bank profits in the US are back up to their ‘pre-crisis’ levels, for the ‘Big’ Banks, we anxiously await the announcement of the ‘bonuses’ – it is that time of the year, you know. The middle of January always comes with that wonderful news of how many millions were paid to banking muck-mucks for their unbelievable skill at sitting in the corner office with the big windows, looking down on the peons below as they pack their lives on their backs and live out of their cars because their houses have been foreclosed. Last year set a record for housing foreclosures in the US… one in every forty-five homeowners lost their house last year, totally over a million homes. The predictions for 2011 are even worse, as there are over five million homeowners who are at least two months behind on mortgage payments, and the projections are for a conservative 1.2 million foreclosures in the next twelve months. Sorry, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see there is something very wrong with this picture. Perhaps its time for politicians to stop shouting at each other about shouting at each other, and get down to work doing their jobs, before there is a need to designate the WalMart parking lot a city suburb because of all the families forced to live there.

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 13th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 13th, 2011

DATELINE: IN HAITI, SEARCHING FOR THE FIVE PERCENT – That would be the five percent of the rubble that has been cleared away in the last year. Yes, despite the millions of dollars, after one year this is all that has been done. Food, education, medical attention, sanitation facilities… all is in short supply despite the work of volunteers and NGOs. There are still people dying of cholera, there are still more than a million people living in tents, there are now major problems with the women in these tents being repeatedly raped at night because they have no security, no doors, no nothing. Perhaps now it is time for a new mindset in order to get the country back on its feet? Perhaps it is time not for donations but for investment… investment that means continued interest and long-term involvement, investment that comes with commitment. It is pretty obvious that just holding telethons and mailing cheques is not enough. With the majority of the population there under the age of 25, there is a need to invest in education for them. There is a need to invest in medical care for the people, in sustainable hospitals and programs that will help the people. There is a need to invest in infrastructure that will move the country out of the rubble and into some hope for the future. Perhaps the answer is to start in the areas outside the capital, where there is less rubble because the people who lived there had virtually nothing. The simple fact of the matter is that more has to be done and it has to be done quickly, because if status quo is the best we can do, those people will never get out of tents, because they will never have jobs to go to or have schools to attend. The job is overwhelming, and people with nothing cannot be expected to overcome. The donations gathered in the days after the earthquake showed that we have compassion and we believe in the ability of the country to rise above the ashes. So far, what we have done is tantamount to sending a state of the art bicycle to a man with no legs. Now we need to help him build some legs so he can stand, run and can ride the damned bike.

DATELINE: IN A ROOM FULL OF IDIOTS AND ERASERS -- First it was someone taking an eraser to Mark Twain’s work. Now, we’re going to do the same to songs? A quarter of a century ago, Dire Straits released their song Money For Nothing. For twenty-five years this song has been fine until… *cue ominous music* … it was played on a radio station in Canada and a caller phoned it to complain that it contains a ‘homophobic slur’. In their *insert sarcastic font* ‘always-present infinite wisdom’, the CRTC has decided that yes, it does contain tha slur, and even if the language would have been relatively commonplace when the song was released, it no longer is and so, before the song can be played on Canadian airwaves or sold in Canadian stores, it must be revised to remove that one particular word. Don’t think for one minute that I advocate the use of these vile words, because they really have no place in a civilized respectful lexicon, but they were commonly used words at the time of their writing and are, therefore part of history, and history should never be erased. They are also words that have strong meaning and impact because of the emotions they evoke. Our current-day musical fare offers over 85 songs by current artists who absolutely fucking love using these words. Kanye West, Twista, Diddy, LL Cool J all have songs with that 'Mark Twain' word in them, and it seems that Mobb Deep, Nelly, Onyx, Lil Wayne, E40, Spice 1…. The list goes on and on of those who can’t seem to perform a song that doesn’t contain that word, so what the fuck is the deal? And if we are going to start erasing two offensive words, how about those songs that refer to women as hoes and bitches, that advocate rape and domestic violence? How about we just totally erase Eminem completely (just the mention of his name makes me want to puke) and everything he ever wrote, or at the very least break his hand and cut his vocal cords, because there is nothing that comes out of that mouth that is not intensely offensive? The works of Mark Twain are being bastardized to ‘tone them down’, to make them more accessible to modern readers? Give me a fucking break. Yes, I am offended by some of those songs, incredibly offended by several of them, and I do believe they leap over the bounds of good taste and moral precepts, and I don’t believe they propel society in a positive direction, but it is music and literature, and in no way is it necessary in my life to have to listen to them or read them if I don’t want to. If the word offends you, either pull on some big girl panties and listen to the artists message or close the fucking book/ shut off the radio/ don't buy the damned book, but don’t censor the damned work, because that opens up the door to the re-writing and white-washing of everything about us, which is nothing more than lying about who we are, where we come from, and the mistakes we have made, and that is never a good thing.

DATELINE: JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE HEARD IT ALL – Sarah Palin opens her mouth, and out spews a whole new degree of insensitivity and stupidity. I guess it was foolish to think she would take the high road, acknowledge that there is something to be said for ‘rational, civilized, non-hyperbolic’ debate that people might actually listen to, that might actually impact those who are trying to determine their political bent. It was naïve of me to think she could just say yes, it was a tragedy, and yes, there is a need to reflect on the political climate of the day in all political and journalistic camps. No, she had to join the ranks of those other nimnos – the ones who protest too much, who spend every day dipping the beaks into that vitriolic well because they just are not capable of reasonable, rational, civilized debate. Nowhere have I read or heard that she is ‘the cause’ of what happened in Arizona. She is, however, a prime example of the shouting, screaming, hatred, and intolerance that we see in the political arena, especially as she makes her always-handy rifle references and strikes yet another pose with a shotgun on her shoulder. She has helped to notch up the rhetoric… a lot… taking it far beyond debate and discussion… and then she refers to the media’s reaction, the media’s speculation that perhaps some of the incendiary language used has helped to create an intolerable environment that puts many in danger, as a ‘blood-libel’. Wow… just WOW. Is she really so poorly educated to not understand the words that stream so passionately from her mouth, or does she have a bunch of bumbling idiots handling her? Either way, she was the one to speak the words, so the buck stops with her, and so now as a Jewish congresswoman lies in a hospital bed in Arizona fighting for her life, a new swirl, this time of anti-Semitism give an already incredibly sad, terrible story yet one more incredulous angle. As with all tragedy, we are see the strength of human fiber rise as the inherent need to protect and help each other surfaces against all odds. It also gives us the chance to see the worst of human nature in the form of religious and political renegades attempting to seize the opportunity to make some political mileage at any cost. Someone please save Sarah Palin from herself, and buy that woman a roll of fucking duct tape, because that is really her only hope. Someone please explain that a huge part of the reason people have become disengaged from politics and voting is because they are fed up with the screaming, shouting, name-calling, mud-slinging games and just want to know what a candidate sees as the future, the solution to the problems we face, and now the hell to get there. Quit shouting over us, quit trying to snow us, and talk to use like we are your bosses… because we are certainly the ones footing the bill, and we are the ones who can hand you your pink slip come election time.

Now, I hear you already, reading this and saying ‘what a dumb bitch! She advocates freedom of speech in music and then slams poor Sarah for her choice of words only seconds later.’ Yes, I do. Eminem is not running for public office, is not taking steps to present the public in general, and spewing words that I can turn off and it makes absolutely no difference to my life or wellbeing. Politicians, however, do impact my life with their words, their positions, their actions, and their fucking stupidity. Her words are in no way considered ‘art’, they are considered ‘life’ and should she stand up there and refer to people in the same manner the songs do, if they were to advocate for the ‘beating of your bitch’, refer to women as hoes, and glorify violent sexual assault, that would be a problem.

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DATELINE: CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK, PLANNING TO MAKE AN ALREADY HORRENDOUS SITUATION EVEN WORSE – While some families watch, wait, and silently celebrate the improved conditions of loved ones shot and injured in front of that Tucson grocery store, and others prepare with much confusion and pain to put their loved ones to rest, enter that fucking despicable excuse for a human being, Reverend He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Because-I-Refuse-To-Give-Him-Any-More-Free-Publicity and his gang of wacked-out hoodlum Holier-Than-Thou’s, preparing to disrupt the funeral of nine-year-old shooting victim Christina Green. Has that family not been through enough hell already? Has Tucson not been through enough? That legislation has to be drawn up on the spur of the moment to allow a family some modicum of respect while they grieve is yet another sad, discouraging chapter in this already sickening story. That any group, let alone one that claims to have a religious purpose, would celebrate what happened on the weekend and use it as a pulpit for their own fucked-up agenda is staggering. That there is a faction out there who actually makes financial contributions to this fucking asshat so he can travel the country spreading his little bit of up-yer-ass sunshine is beyond disgusting. Fred, hon, my prayer is that your day in the headlines is over. You have made more than enough people’s agony your ecstasy, and I have no doubt when your time comes Karma is going to be one hell of a hot bitch for you.


DATELINE: IN A LAB SNIFFING THE CHEMICALS – There are few things that piss me off as much as people taking advantage of those dealing with medical conditions or diseases. Okay, there is a whole hell of a lot that pisses me off, but this one is rather near the top of the list. When someone comes up with a snake-oil cure for cancer or the waving of chicken intestines as a cure for MS, I get just slightly fucking irritated. In the wave of the clusterfuck that was Doctor Wakefield’s study linking autism to the MMR vaccine, which should by now be totally debunked, we are now treated with a list of ‘possible causes’ instead of the MMR booster. Believe me, I saw the headline and I immediately ran to the report, wanting to know just what it is that causes this condition in so many children now. The offering was nothing less than walking into a weekend Smorgasbord at the damned roadside hotel… so parents can pick the thing that they ‘did wrong’ that brought about this plight on their child. The list included things like waiting too long to get pregnant (the over 50 set), taking drugs like Thalidomide while pregnant, exposing your children to pesticides that ‘kick in’ the full-blown disorder, irregularities in the brain and genetics. Well, thank you for that fucking list – which was really nothing more than another load of wasted fucking print on a blank screen. Yes, there is a definite, indisputable need to understand why there is an increase in the cases of autism, and yes there is a definite, indisputable need to know how best to help those who are diagnosed with it. There is also a need, though, for us to learn from these children and to see them as incredibly precious gifts, not anomalies or something that should be relegated to the Island of Misfit Toys; they and many other children with similar challenges have an incredibly pure perspective on all issues, a way of processing and prioritizing and identifying with the world around them that can teach us so very much.

DATELINE: IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE, GETTING HIT WITH THE BIBLE BELT – Oh, to be a student in the Halton, Ontario, Catholic school system, where you can learn from the top that being gay and being a nazi are pretty much one and the same. The Ministry of Education for the province put forward a new policy that said if there was a request from the students for a club or organization within the school to promote inclusion and equity – how the hell dare they suggest something so realistic and acceptable, and even sensible? The Halton Catholic School Organization saw the problem with this plan immediately, though, and had their own vote at the school board level where it was determined the Gay-Straight Alliance would not be permitted. Why? You might ask. Well, because being Gay is ‘not within the teaching of the Catholic Church.’ In her explanation to the press, board chairperson Alice Anne LeMay pointed out that they did not allow ‘Nazi groups either’. Despite provincial policy, the Catholic Church will attend to its own flock, with its own agenda, deciding what will be appropriate than 'condoning the action of gays and lesbians’ because, after all, the church loves to teach that sex is intended ONLY for the procreation purposes – unless you are some asshole pedophile priest or the bishop/ cardinal/ pope who just sweeps that little technicality under the fucking rug. Perhaps while teaching tolerance and acceptance, as they claim to do on a daily basis, they should create a new course – Crusades 101 – because nothing says acceptance and tolerance like those peaches did.

DATELINE: HAVING A WIENIE ROAST IN FLORIDA – Victoria Eltonya Bynes is one lady you do not want to piss off. Just ask her boyfriend, Andrew ‘Charred Willie’ Williams if you don’t believe me. Bynes, pissed at Williams for some reason no one really seems to be able to grasp just yet, sprayed his wee willie with gasoline while, as happenstance would have it, flicking her bic, and set his genitals on fire. Is this the new Lorena? Hell no! Lorena whacked, and proudly announced what she had done, taking credit for her accuracy with a knife. Bynes, however, played it coy. At first, she had no idea why police were at her home after they found Williams writhing in pain on the ground, unable to even speak. Then she caved, saying that she just happened to pick up the plastic bottle of gasoline, just happened to start shaking the bottle in one hand, and playing with her lighter in the other hand, and happened to spray him with gasoline. Well, pfffft, that is totally understandable. When something like that happens, there is really only one fucking thing to do – and Byrnes did just that; she dropped the lighter on Williams, watched him catch on fire, and ran like hell, explaining to the police that he looked just fine to her when she left. I suppose you gotta admit that the girl has balls – you just don’t want to speculate about who the hell she probably ripped them from.

DATELINE: IN THE HALLWAY, CELEBRATING A VOICE OF REASON – Hats off to chairman and CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, for stepping up to the plate and setting an example that should be heeded and repeated by every other fucking media outlet on the continent. In an interview with Russell Simons of GlobalGrind.com, Ailes is quoted as saying ‘I told all our guys, shut up, tone it down, make your argument intellectually. You don’t have to do it with bombast. I hope the other side does that.” Thank you for being the only one with the brains and the cojones to actually acknowledge that no matter how you argue it, the media definitely had a roll in what happened in Arizona this past weekend. He acknowledged that it was wrong, that they are all, both those with red banner and those with blue banners flying over their newsrooms, wrong, and it was unconscionable for anyone to use the deaths of these people or the shooting to make political hay or to help boost Nielson ratings points. Finally a voice of reason, while the likes of Sarah Palin hide away, sending emails that decry the bum wrap she has received for her gun-toting tough-talking take aim at anything you don’t like or agree with bullshit. Perhaps now, maybe, if others follow in Ailes footsteps, we can have some real, honest, sensible and necessary political debate that will actually be listened to, rather than the shouting theatrics of those who come across as nothing more than pure lunatics. We are in need of real political discussion, discussion that is not shouted at us or implies that if we don’t totally agree, we MUST be idiots. It’s time to have those discussions, without the colored banners overhead, and for all voices to be heard.

DAILY NEWS – January 11th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – January 11th, 2011

DATELINE: WITH RCMP SUPERVISORS, SITTING IN DOCTOR SPIN’S WAITING ROOM – Last night, the victim of that brutal police assault in Kelowna was finally released from custody – probably very lucky that he was not #268 in the in-custody death count at the hands of the RCMP in British Columbia (compared to Ontario’s rate of 106 in the same time period despite the considerably higher population). The police have now cooked up some cock-and-bull piece of shit fucking story about a domestic assault that involved the careless use of a firearm, but the family, the ex-wife, the friend – no one – has a clue what this would be about. I suspect, as has been the case with absolutely every other incident of someone being assaulted or killed by police here in the last few years, the RCMP will start on a vigorous tar-and-feather campaign to make their victim appear in the worst possible light, making up the shit as they go along. It’s apparently much easier, as a cop, to make up shit to cover their own pathetic fucking asses, than it is to just stand there and say ‘we fucked up’. If ANYONE else had done what Constable Geoff Mantler, our phantom shit-kicker cop, did last week, they would find themselves behind bars, instantly charged with assault causing bodily harm. If anyone else in any other profession did that on the job, they would be canned instantly. Not here however, with our police – Constable Mantler is on holidays now, on our fucking dime. He has been, as per RCMP policy, suspended with pay. As a rather interesting aside, as of September 2010 there were 16 RCMP Officers suspended with pay for their atrocious behavior, some of them since 2007 as they continually appeal and abuse the system, to the tune of $1.3M each year… yes, that is what we pay for suspended cops each year in this province alone. That is one hell of a fucking gig if you can get it. So much for Dudley DoRight. Enter Dudley DidRight.

DATELINE: SHAKING MY HEAD IN-CREDULOUS: Wow. Just fucking wow. Amid the written ravings of a greatly disturbed young gunman are many political, government and conspiracy references, so what is the response of the politicians and pundits? Why, they have chosen to play the fucking victim, of course. What the fuck is the matter with you assholes? “The desperate hope that the losers in November of 2010 had was that they could revitalize their political fortunes because of this unfortunate shooting of a congresswoman in Arizona,” from Rush Limbaugh, along with THIS gem - “But the left is depraved, empty and without any political substance whatsoever.” We have Glen Beck spewing this crap – “They are using every opportunity to convince you that Sarah Palin is dangerous.” The Tea party states it will ‘not be silenced after the shooting” and Paul Krugman came out with this bit of fucking wisdom “So will the Arizona massacre make our discourse less toxic? It’s really up to G.O.P. leaders. Will they accept the reality of what’s happening to America, and take a stand against eliminationist rhetoric? Or will they try to dismiss the massacre as the mere act of a deranged individual, and go on as before?” We have heard about ‘Second Amendment remedies”, have been told to “Gather our Armies”, and the bullshit continues. My favorite – that crap spewing about how the conservatism will be criminalized and media voices will be silenced. No, you dumb fucks! That is NOT what anyone is saying, asking for or expecting. Why is the thought of reasonable discussion and responsible reporting so had for you all to grasp? Is Fox News guilty for what happened in Arizona this weekend? No, nor is Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, Paul Krugman or any other politician or pundit BUT they are definitely a raving ranting symptom of a disease that is killing democracy. There is a drastic need to change politics, and there are more than enough politicians who recognize that need, but their voices can’t be heard over the shouting of the idiots… yes, idiots… those who embrace democracy as long as it is exactly as THEY want it because all the rest of the people out there have no right to have a say in democracy, policies, procedures or anything else. The day of the selfish politics, the self-serving bullshit shouting about how ‘there is only one way --- my way’ have to come to end… while we still have democracy that is worth protecting and defending.

DATELINE: ON A ROOF, PRAYING FOR NOAH – For too long, the people of Australia have dealt with truly catastrophic flooding, watching their homes disappear as the situation worsens each day. Now on its way to devastate Brisbane, homes have been ripped off their foundations, with people in them, as the water smashes into town. 20 people are now confirmed dead in the raging waters, 78 are missing. Watching from the other side of the continent, it is truly incomprehensible what those people must be feeling, and the sense of helplessness has to be overwhelming. I cannot imagine sitting in my home, knowing there is nowhere to go to escape, waiting to see if I will be one of the lucky ones or not. It is a grim reminder that we might like to control everything, to deal with everything, when it comes to Mother Nature and the weather, but we are humbled. Please remember and pray for the people of Australia

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 10th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 10th, 2011

DATELINE: THE STATE OF NOT-SO-MUCH BROTHERLY LOVE – To be honest, it’s probably not fair to pick on just one State, but as an observer from outside the country, I have to ask ‘What the fuck is wrong with you??’ That question, however, is not directed at ‘the people’; it is for many (not all) politicians and the media, and it applies to the whole damned continent as the trend is embraced more every day up here in Canada. A woman, fulfilling what she truly believed was the altruistic role of serving the people, was shot in the head this weekend. Congresswoman Giffords was simply giving her electorate the opportunity to talk to her, and THAT was enough to cause the death of 6 people, the shooting of 13 others, and if the gunman had the opportunity, how many more? While horrific and unbelievable, perhaps it was just a matter of time before this had to happen somewhere – not necessarily in Arizona (and I am certainly not advocating it SHOULD have happened to anyone) but somewhere. Just turn on the damned television, listen to the bullshit being spewed every day by politicians screaming about what people should be afraid of and who they should blame for what is going wrong in their lives, or what might go wrong tomorrow? How many times have you heard a politician actually discussing a real plan to make things better? They argue and spew crap simply for the sake of being heard and the media gladly offers the platform on which they can do this shit. In North America, we are truly blessed with elected governments that are for the most part, for better or worse, honestly the result of the voting electorate’s decision. There is no politician in the world who can make decisions that please everyone all the time, there will always be people who disagree with the decisions made, and there are some self-serving corrupt politicians in the works, BUT we have the mechanism in place to deal with that… with a fucking ballot. If you don’t vote, then shut the fuck up and just live with what you have. If you don’t like the candidates you have to choose from, get off your ass and find someone you believe will be suitable. It’s about time we take responsibility for the clusterfuck we have created in both countries where politics are concerned. We are too damned self-centered, we are too protectionist about the ‘MY’ – My life, My home, My Town, My City, My State, My Country – and to hell with all the rest. We have not held politicians to account and we have let them spew hateful, over-the-top Palin-esque bullshit on a daily basis, and as a result a woman doing what she was elected to do in order to help create some peace within her constituency was shot in the head… along with eighteen innocent bystanders. Not to be overlooked, though, when the hell did it become alright for the media to have a political agenda? The media is there to inform the public in a non-partisan way. They are to keep their political opinions to themselves – they are free to have them, and to use editorial pages to emphasize the issues of a topic, but how is it acceptable that they actively advocate for one party or the other? How can we have television stations totally devoted to one party or the other and shamelessly voice vitriolic crap to discredit the other. How the hell can people watching NOT get fucked up with that? When a position is determined politically prior to even writing the news, it is no longer fucking news – it is propaganda. It cannot have credibility because it is not balanced. It does not allow the people to make up their own minds about what is happening. How the fuck did we let the media become so all-powerful in the running of our countries or setting political agendas for us? When did the theatrics of some politicians dressing in camouflage and taking a gun to ‘shoot’ down a governmental policy, or a politician using a website to position gun sites on opponents constituency offices, and telling her ‘fans’ to reload and not to retreat become morally or ethically acceptable? How can we really believe that this bullshit does NOT impact people, especially those down on their luck, the frustrated, the tired, or those who are confused or off-balance? Am I making excuses for the sick fuck who opened up fire in Arizona on the weekend? Hell no! Not for one minute. Am I suggesting that perhaps we need to seriously sit back and look at what the fuck we have become with the quest for power, the attitude of ‘my needs and ‘rights’ over everyone else’s ‘ and twenty-four-hour news cycles that have no choice but to fill the air with so much rehashing and twisting and agenda-dictated reporting? You are god damned right I am. Today when you turn on the news or download your newspaper, please take a minute to think about Christina Taylor-Green (9), John Roll, Gabe Zimmerman (30), Dorwin Stoddard (76), Dorothy Morris (76) and Phyllis Scheck (79), the 13 other people injured, and their friends and families. What a truly sad fucking day for a country that embraces, and in fact sends soldiers to die, in order to protect and promote democracy.

DATELINE: AND IN THIS CORNER – This weekend we were AGAIN offered an example of police brutality and total fucking incompetence. Thank you, Constable Geoff Mantler of the RCMP for giving us yet another reason to not trust you as a force, not respect you as a force, and not want you as a force here in beautiful fucking BC. Perhaps the RCMP should start teaching a course in Depot on learning to not do this shit where people are standing with cell phones and cameras? Or maybe we could look at a law that prevents us from having those things, so you can continue to run amok, refusing to attend break-ins, thefts, highway accidents (unless there is a death), burglar alarms or so many other things we are ridiculously under the impression you are paid to fucking do. Instead, you taser, beat, kick, abuse and shoot the people you have to deal with, and the statistics are staggering. Caught clearly on video this Friday in Kelowna, Constable Geoff Mantler was involved with pulling over pulled over a man as the result of a firearms complaint. Now, I can understand the need for caution, BUT the suspect, moving slowly, hands up and empty, knelt on the ground as he prepared to lie face down on the pavement. Mantler, however, felt the need to walk up to him as he was already on his knees, lowing himself, and applied one hell of a kick to the man’s face. For what?? He was doing what he was told. Ohhhhh, wait… its’ because the cops can. They can do anything here. They are powerful, and we better not fucking forget it. As it turns out, the suspect was involved in an accident last year and suffered a broken back and head injuries, so yeah, he might move slow. He has a permit for his gun, that he was using it at the golf course where he works, where his job is to shoot blanks to scare away the geese, which he was doing. So far, he has not broken any fucking laws, but let’s beat the crap out of him—because we can. In the same video footage, caught by a local member of the media, it is clear when they get the gun from the vehicle that it has the guard on it, that it is totally locked up and no threat. The even bigger crime in this, though, is the man has been held in custody all fucking weekend, and will appear in court this morning on their fucking trumped up firearms charges of careless use of a firearm – a charge which, if convicted summarily, which would be their ONLY option if they were stupid enough to actually proceed with this bullshit, carries a maximum penalty of two months incarceration OR a $5000 fine, certainly NOT an offence to keep him in custody all fucking weekend. The time has come…. as we go through the HUGE list of police abuses and misconduct in this province, for us to stand up and tell our politicians that we want a real fucking police force here, one that will work with the public and respect the public and our right to due process, and not a fucking bunch of chicken-shit playground bullies and thugs.