DAILY NEWS – FEB 12th, 2011 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – FEB 12th, 2011 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: BEING A CUCUMBER SANDWICH – You know, the kind that keeps coming back on ya? So it is with Arnie ‘Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way’ Schwarzenegger. He set out his road map… Body Builder cum Action Movie Star (sic) cum Politician (sic-er), because public service was the highest position a person could have. So, what the fuck do you do when you aren’t in office anymore? Well, of course, you go back to making those blockbuster well-acted action movies. I can’t wait for more of that erudite dialogue writers create for him, those stirring three-word sentences that seem to tax his acting skills, but hell, who needs words when you have Ahhhnie on the big screen. Ahhh, to remember Eraser, Terminator, Expendables, End of Days, The Long Goodbye… Arnie, honey, you big dope, pay attention to the fucking titles of your movies; I think someone is trying to send you a message *wink wink*.

DATELINE: OLD MADAM MacDONALD’s FARM AND HOUSE OF TEA LEAVES – There was an octopus who predicted soccer, rodents who predict weather, so what the fuck, lets add an opossum to the roster, just because. Heidi the cross-eyed overweight opossum has got a new gig; predicting the Oscar winners. Look out Roger Ebert! Bring on the box office bitchslap of all times, bearing in mind that poor Heidi has no thumbs, and we really have no idea what she will be doing to show her approval. Of course, she will not be allowed on the red carpet; can’t have any of those lovely starlettes tripping on a fucking possum poo, but she will be there in spirit. Not to worry; we are getting ready to cash in next year… Bjorn the Farting Jackass is boning up already so he can predict the upcoming political races, and I have no doubt that Ursula the Pot-Bellied Pig will have Superbowl in the bag.

DATELINE: MAKING A BIG BONG BOOBOO – Miley Cyrus said this week that the bong video was not a good idea… because of her fans and because of what she stands for. Heaven forbid she just says it was a stupid fucking thing to do. Heaven forbid she make an effort to use her ‘star power’ to tell all those stupid fucking sheep fans of hers what a god damned dumb thing is it and how, even though the crap she was doing is legal, it’s also lethal, many times on the first experiment. Noooo… but at least she made the fucking effort, months after the fact, to say something maybe not completely idiotic… now if she could just make the effort to put some guts behind the effort and perhaps make a difference to some kids who are about to kill themselves.

DATELINE: WHERE ART AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING STUPIDITY MEET – Wafaa Bilal is an arts professor. One assumes that with a degree, a person might actually have a fucking brain. I guess that was my first mistake. Last December, as part of a piece of ‘performance art’ this rocket scientist had a titanium plate implanted in his head… to hold the camera that was to be the eyes at the back of his head! Absolutely fucking brilliant, because the view is so much better that way. Now, because his body is rejecting the plates, they had to be removed. Bilal said that he had been in constant pain from the start of his project, but will continue on, this time with the camera strapped to the back of his neck. Hello??? He had surgery to plant the fucking thing in his head! One suspects that concrete screws might have been necessary, but it begs the question ‘why the fuck did he not just strap the camera there in the first place?’. It’s to be hoped this asshole paid for his own surgeries… both of them, because if insurance companies or the government had to fork out for this, someone got royally fucking hosed. It’s to be hoped the next piece of ‘performance art’ he undertakes will involve the implanting of a camera up his ass – I bet people would line up to help with that procedure, although the toe of my fucking shit-kickers would probably do an admirable enough job.

DATELINE: COVETING THY CO-STAR’S BODY – Now, if the co-star was Antonio Banderas, I would be all fucking over that. However, the stars in question in this story are Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. Aniston was soooo blown away by Kidman’s abs that she actually had to touch them. *rolls eyes* Well, Jen, honey, Nicole might have a fucking 6-pack, but I have the whole fucking beer truck. You want to cop a feel of that too? What is truly amazing is that this crap is actually considered news… with Kidman’s money and resources, Fat Albert could be buff too.

DATELINE: LIKE A GOOD BOYSCOUT, PRACTICING MAYBE GOOD BEHAVIOR – Now THIS is fucking news… there is no news about Charlie Sheen. Seriously… we have a Charlie Sheen free day. I realize that he is in rehab, but that doesn’t seem to stop the tabloids from finding something to tell us about him… the color of his shit, how many times he farted in church, but today… nada! Holy fucking crap. However, never let it said that Bambi doesn’t have a fucking heart; it is good that he is getting help, and it is hoped that he will be able to make some progress and clean up his life.

AUGUST 14th, 2010 - ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

AUGUST 14th, 2010 – ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: IN THE RING, ON THE MAT, GETTING HIS ASS SERVED UP ON A PLATTER – A rather nauseating thought when considering ‘his ass’ belongs to that fucking moronic blowhard Bill O’Reilly. This week, his target was Jennifer Aniston, because she is in a movie in the roll of a woman who wants a child without having the pre-requisite husband. For starters, Bill... she is playing a fucking fictional character. Duh! But amidst all your babble and crap about the needs of two parents, a mother and a father in order to raise a child ‘properly’, where the fuck are you and your tirades when movies come out about the handsome, charming, witty fucking playboys? Where is their responsibility, or does it not matter that their playing around can, and... I know this will shock the fucking crap out of you, Bill... it can and it does result in children being born out of wedlock and with the father having no intention at all of being tied down? Why is it okay for that to happen? Because the men don’t get pregnant, so its fine for them? Or perhaps you embrace that wonderful Middle East ‘beat the adultresses to death’ mentality because obviously if she is sleeping with men, she must be a whore and a sinner. How convenient to be able to forget that for every woman sleeping with a man, there is a man sleeping with a woman. Do you not ever get tired of the fucking double standards that constantly spew from your indignant fucking lips? Why do you not damn these male characters, and the actors playing them, for totally destroying the moral values of the world? Get a fucking grip on reality, Idiot.

DATELINE: ON THE STAGE ACCEPTING THE PRIZE FOR THE MOST APTLY NAMED MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM – Stallone is back, in what is nothing more than another really really really really bad fucking Rambo movie, but what else should we have expected. There is one character he is able to play, the one limited to cliche lines, bad acting, posing with automatic weapons and extolling the virtues of being the monosyllabic low-IQ herculean ‘tough guy’ who has the solution for everything in life strapped around his shoulder. As if a plethora of fucking Rocky and Rambo movies just were not enough, Stallone now has a new character (co-written, directed and played by himself – because seriously, what the hell writer would want to even touch this crap), Barny Ross, to flog us with for the next ten fucking years... he is truly the master at taking an incredibly one-dimensional character way beyond the fucking limit. Why anyone would pay ten cents to see this crap is beyond me. At least, through, the title will make it easier to do the single word review of this blather – Expendable.

DATELINE: ON A THREAD, OVERHEAD – This has to be the way he will be making his entrance. Who? Well Spiderman, of course. Yes, he will be swinging onto a stage near you, singing his fucking ass off because where the hell would we be without Spiderman: The Musical – Turn Off The Dark. Topping the roster as one of the most expensive stage productions ever, this one will even have superheroes flying around the fucking theatre – quite a feat if you happen to land the roll of Super Chicken. It will be interesting to see how they manage to recoup their costs with this erudite piece of true Fluff-Crap. So, to spare you the two hours of your life that this production will totally fucking rob you off.... *SPOILER ALERT*... Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can, spins a web, anysize, catches thieves just like flies Look out! Here comes the spiderman.

DATELINE: WHAMMING INTO SNAPPY SNAPS – That’s what George Michael was done while he was pissed and stoned and behind the wheel. The Wham! star drove his car into a photo shop. Other than the fact that he has the skills of a great prophet when it comes to naming his group, what the fuck is this doing on the news? A star? Drunk, stoned, driving? In possession of contraband? Oh My God what is this world coming to? I am totally shocked... well, not really, but since every media outlet in the world covered this crap, I thought I should as well. You can't have too many venues providing excuses and justification for celebrity bad behavior... well, okay, i don't provide either, but i just fucking love to be on that bandwagon.

DATELINE: HAITI, THE MUSICAL DISASTER – Just what Haiti needs! As the country is still one fucking mess after a disastrous earthquake over six months ago, they now are setting the stage for what will be nothing more than a clusterfuck edition of Haiti’s Got Talent. First Michel Martelly, that diaper-wearing, sometimes kilt-clad singer/dancer has decided he should run as leader of the impoverished, rubble-strewn country because he knows how to help them. His buddy, singer Wyclef Jean, has also made the same decision, and so both names will be on the ballot, along with about 34 others. It’s to be hoped that someone with at least one true qualification has his name in the hat, because the last thing Haiti needs right now is to be used as a fucking pawn in a perverted game of nothing more than Public Relations whoring. The Haitians have been through enough. They deserve something more than an idiot leader parading around on stage wearing a diaper and making farting noises into a microphone.

DATELINE: ALLOWED BACK AT THE GROWN-UP'S TABLE, FOR NOW ANYWAYS -- Kanye West, that bad boy's bad boy, will be allowed to return to the MTV Awards this fall, after his class act performance last year when he stole the microphone away from Taylor Swift to extoll the reasons why Swift should not have won her award... well, okay, he was saying that Beyonce should have won, which is the same fucking thing. It would be the cynical bitch in me that points out once again money will supercede morals, ethics, manners or anything else. First off, there will be no better way to get the ratings for the show to go up than by having this asshole there again, splashing that fact over every fucking tabloid in the world, and baiting viewers to watch and wonder just what asshatted thing he will do this time... and you KNOW he will find something to do because despite his claims of learning humility, he is nothing but a fucking attention whore. Ratings equal money, so there really cannot be one person on the planet even remotely surprised that he will be allowed back or that the media will make a big fucking circus of that announcement. Oh, and it doesn't hurt the pocketbook that he has a new album coming out shortly after the awards. Yup, its all about the fucking money.

DATELINE: STRAYING FROM FLUFF-CRAP BUT BOOKENDING THIS BLOG WITH MORE ASSHATTEDNESS FROM THE LAND OF THE MALE DOUBLE-STANDARD – In Blackpool, England, as in many other communities around the world, there is a war memorial in a park. 32-year-old Wendy Lewis was this week found guilty of ‘outraging public decency’ because she was caught urinating and ‘performing a sex act on a man’ at the memorial. Yes, I fully believe she should be held accountable for this. It’s wrong... there is no discussion there. However, it is incredibly interesting to know that while her name is splattered over international websites for her heinous crime, the person she was performing the sex act with is only referred to as ‘a man’. His name and reputation are fully intact, despite the fact that what he did was equally as wrong as what Wendy Lewis did. One has to wonder what the fuck public office this ‘man’ holds that he is totally fucking immune from carrying his responsibility in the crime.