DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 3rd, 2010
DATELINE: WASHINGTON – The ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ military policy is being debated. Funny how the fucking politicians can’t get their shit together. I will make it easy for you... leave the fucking discrimination crap at the door, or at least for the Pope to do. We can see how much fucking credibility it gives him.
DATELINE: QUEBEC – Doctors from this province who VOLUNTEERED to go help out in Haiti are now claiming they should be paid $702/day for their work. Apparently doctors in Quebec are too fucking stupid to understand the concept of VOLUNTEER. No wonder Danny Williams fled the fucking country to get medical attention.
DATELINE: JAPAN – You actually have to start feeling sorry for those poor Toyota people. When it rains on them, it really fucking pours. The Japanese government has ordered Toyota to look into a problem with the brakes on their newest model Prius because of the large number of accidents involving them. The company has not issued a recall... yet... but damn, it has to suck to be working in their corporate offices right now.
DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Norwegian Star, a cruise ship that was supposed to be docked and used as a hotel for high-paying guests AND 13 children from the Make-A-Wish organization, has decided it is not economically viable to park a big fucking ship like that for ten days without having a sell-out crowd booked. Nine days out from the Olympics, they have announced they are cancelling, leaving 1500 people and the group of terminally ill children in the lurch. God forbid they try to come up with an alternative for them, like bringing in a smaller fucking boat or something, or making it so it doesn’t cost a fucking fortune for one of their floating bedrooms.
DATELINE: IRAN – They have stepped up their game in the space race, celebrating putting their first rocket into space. Contained on the fucking thing – a turtle, a mouse and some worms. What the fuck they are supposed to do up there in space is totally beyond me. Seems to me that someone was pissed off about getting skunked on a fishing trip and jammed his god damned leftovers in there for a lark. I can’t wait until the fucking SPCA gets hold of this one. Yes, People, this IS the way to show those fucking martians that there is intelligent life here on Earth.
DATELINE: OTTAWA – Bishop Lahey was SUPPOSED to enter a plea today on charges of possession and trafficking of child pornography. It got postponed until April. I know this isn’t fucking news or a surprise, but I just don’t want anyone to forget about this SOB. Again, more evidence of the Catholic Church’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Really Give a Flying Font’ policy.
DATELINE: FRANCE – A man was denied citizenship because he has forced his wife to wear a burka. His wife is a French citizen. Before you all get your panties in a fucking knot, I will tell you why this pisses me off. IF this was a legitimate thing where her rights were being trampled by her husband... and it could be... the case loses all fucking credibility because of all the other crap the government has said about wearing a burka. It is ‘contrary to the values of the Republic’, it ‘promotes homophobic violence’, it is a ‘visible sign of radical religious practice’. Make up your fucking minds! If you want to stop radical religious practice, shut down all the churches. If it’s about equality between men and women and wearing your religion on your sleeve, shut down the fucking convents, because every argument against wearing a burka can be made against wearing a habit. Get your shit together, France. This is just fucking hatred and discrimination and you know it.
DATELINE: LOS ANGELES – Michael Jackson’s doctor will be facing charges of ‘involuntary manslaughter’ for providing the singer with the fatal dose of sleeping crap. You realize what this means? More fucking Jacksons on the television and in the newspapers... because we just haven’t had enough of it already.
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Showing posts with label burka. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burka. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
DAILY NEWS - JANUARY 26th, 2010
DAILY NEWS – January 26th, 2010
DATELINE: HAITI – John Travolta grabbed the headlines today, and rightfully fucking so. Apart being totally delicious, the man flew his personal jet – not one of those little chicken shit things that so many rich people like to fucking flaunt; we’re talking the whole big fucking jet! – to deliver aid to Haitians. Not only did he bring in 4 tons of food, medical supplies and 50 doctors and healthcare workers, but as soon as everything was unloaded, he picked up a plane load of people to take them back home to the US. No fuss, no muss, he just got the damned job done, and he looked fucking hawt doing it. In light of all my more than justified carping about the fucking glamour gang, I now recant, and offer this. This is BIG so pay fucking attention so I don’t have to say it twice.
In honour of the wonderful work done by John Oh-Baby-You-Got-It-Happening Travolta and his beautiful wife Kelly Preston (yeah, she gets forgotten too often by the fucking normal media, but we know she is there and working hard because behind every amazing hawt man like Johnny – I can call him that – is a woman that you so want to fucking hate because she is pretty and smart and talented, but she is just too damned nice to hate and that’s why the hawt guy loves her) we have decided to create a REAL award... no saggy golden globes for them. We are announcing the Bambette Awards and John and Kelly are the first official winners of this prestigious prize. Okay... so there isn’t any money; if there was it would be in fucking Canadian dollars, so it wouldn’t be worth a hell of a lot anyways. We will however look into the possibility of a medal made of fresh honey-glazed Tim Horton’s magnificence. What I am saying here is that the prestige of the award is just being named because it means you have class and brains and are uber-hawt as well. Get with the fucking program. If you have any other candidates you would like to nominate for a fucking Bambette, send me their names and i will forward them to the astute panel of judge (me) for consideration.
DATELINE: FRANCE – they are pushing for a ban on the burka, because it might turn the ladies into religious fanatics which could lead to more terrorism. If that’s the case, perhaps they should also put a ban on kneelers in churches and start interrogating all those fucking old ladies and men who attend church on a daily basis. Just saying, sauce for the goose and all that crap, right?
DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – Yes, it’s Australia Day, so open a beer, throw some shrimp on the fucking Barbie and watch a couple hours of Crocodile Dundee.
DATELINE: VANCOUVER – with 21 days to the fucking Olympic games, the City of Vancouver has now issued a book to all employees explaining to them how to behave during the games. I can’t help but wonder how many fucking millions were spent on this bloody gem. We’re Canadians. We’re always too fucking polite. BUT now we have politicians and marketing analysts telling us about proper behaviour? Holy Crap! And some of the key issues... and to quote that other incredible hawt cutie Dave Barry, ‘I am NOT making this up’... no one shall wear short socks, no one will cross their arms or put their hands in their pockets, no excessive chatting with the visitors (god damn, i remember my mother telling me this every fucking time we had company – this will explain all the supposed snubs and mumbling people will receive when they ask for fucking directions), no limp-noodle handshakes or brow-furrowing, and yes, they even have the ‘correct’ way to inform a visitor that he left the fucking barn door open and is in danger of Mr Happy peeking out and watching the games. Yes, they spent fucking millions on this, wasted god only knows how many fucking trees, all to add to this wonderful ‘Olympic’ Experience.
DATELINE: HAITI – John Travolta grabbed the headlines today, and rightfully fucking so. Apart being totally delicious, the man flew his personal jet – not one of those little chicken shit things that so many rich people like to fucking flaunt; we’re talking the whole big fucking jet! – to deliver aid to Haitians. Not only did he bring in 4 tons of food, medical supplies and 50 doctors and healthcare workers, but as soon as everything was unloaded, he picked up a plane load of people to take them back home to the US. No fuss, no muss, he just got the damned job done, and he looked fucking hawt doing it. In light of all my more than justified carping about the fucking glamour gang, I now recant, and offer this. This is BIG so pay fucking attention so I don’t have to say it twice.
In honour of the wonderful work done by John Oh-Baby-You-Got-It-Happening Travolta and his beautiful wife Kelly Preston (yeah, she gets forgotten too often by the fucking normal media, but we know she is there and working hard because behind every amazing hawt man like Johnny – I can call him that – is a woman that you so want to fucking hate because she is pretty and smart and talented, but she is just too damned nice to hate and that’s why the hawt guy loves her) we have decided to create a REAL award... no saggy golden globes for them. We are announcing the Bambette Awards and John and Kelly are the first official winners of this prestigious prize. Okay... so there isn’t any money; if there was it would be in fucking Canadian dollars, so it wouldn’t be worth a hell of a lot anyways. We will however look into the possibility of a medal made of fresh honey-glazed Tim Horton’s magnificence. What I am saying here is that the prestige of the award is just being named because it means you have class and brains and are uber-hawt as well. Get with the fucking program. If you have any other candidates you would like to nominate for a fucking Bambette, send me their names and i will forward them to the astute panel of judge (me) for consideration.
DATELINE: FRANCE – they are pushing for a ban on the burka, because it might turn the ladies into religious fanatics which could lead to more terrorism. If that’s the case, perhaps they should also put a ban on kneelers in churches and start interrogating all those fucking old ladies and men who attend church on a daily basis. Just saying, sauce for the goose and all that crap, right?
DATELINE: AUSTRALIA – Yes, it’s Australia Day, so open a beer, throw some shrimp on the fucking Barbie and watch a couple hours of Crocodile Dundee.
DATELINE: VANCOUVER – with 21 days to the fucking Olympic games, the City of Vancouver has now issued a book to all employees explaining to them how to behave during the games. I can’t help but wonder how many fucking millions were spent on this bloody gem. We’re Canadians. We’re always too fucking polite. BUT now we have politicians and marketing analysts telling us about proper behaviour? Holy Crap! And some of the key issues... and to quote that other incredible hawt cutie Dave Barry, ‘I am NOT making this up’... no one shall wear short socks, no one will cross their arms or put their hands in their pockets, no excessive chatting with the visitors (god damn, i remember my mother telling me this every fucking time we had company – this will explain all the supposed snubs and mumbling people will receive when they ask for fucking directions), no limp-noodle handshakes or brow-furrowing, and yes, they even have the ‘correct’ way to inform a visitor that he left the fucking barn door open and is in danger of Mr Happy peeking out and watching the games. Yes, they spent fucking millions on this, wasted god only knows how many fucking trees, all to add to this wonderful ‘Olympic’ Experience.
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