DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 28th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 28th, 2011

DATELINE: DOING THE GADHAFI DANCE – It’s very sad that there is anyone on who is a fucking nuts as Gadhafi, but watching the interview with Charlie Sheen… oppps… The Asswipe… on television this morning showed that he is more than up to the task of stealing the crown from Muammar. Make your kids watch it… It is all the evidence a person needs regarding the effect of drugs on your brain. How can I make that comparison? Simply watch their eyes; they both have the absolutely crazy indignant eyes going on, with the how-dare-you brow movements. Also consider the Amazonian guard that Gadhafi has, and Sheen’s new collection of live-in goddesses. More than anything, though, listen to the absolutely fucking nuts ravings and insane denials from both. Gadhafi denies using violence against his people (helicopters opening fire on the crowds notwithstanding) and Sheen denies he has done anything wrong, that he has any problems, and claims he is a ‘total frigging rock star from Mars’ with ‘tiger blood, Adonis DNA’ ---*squeeeeeee* He is soooooo speshulllll!! Gadhafi claims that drug addicts are trying to destroy and discredit him… Sheen claims that the network and the producer are ‘destroying my family’. ‘How?’ you might ask. ‘Well, duh’ (another of her erudite quotes from the interview) the network is taking money from his family by stopping the show. Lemme do some math here… he has made almost $2M PER EPISODE for the last year, so that along should feed a normal family with five kids for, oh.. a fucking lifetime, and now you dare to demand a 67% raise to make $3M an episode? Here are some facts, you petulant, puissant little piece of shit.. you made more money than you were worth, you pissed that money away with NO regard for your wives or your children, you have been irresponsible and unreliable to your co-workers (yes, practices are necessary and do count and only a completely dick-headed narcissist thinks otherwise), your rantings and diatribes totally confirm that the powers that be at the network and Warner Brothers (‘Charlie Brothers’?? Give me a fucking break) and it is now time for you to fade off into B Movie oblivion. Take those offers for those ‘great’ movies you listed… because that will mean I never have to see you on my television again. Please please please, Warner Brothers and CBS, cut that fucking asswipe loose, and carry on the show with Jon Cryer and Conchata Ferrell in the lead roles… they have earned it. Brooke and Denise… get the kids the hell away from him before he destroys more than just his own life. The kids deserve better and should be protected from this fucking insane asswipe.

DATELINE: ON THE CARPET TO EXCESS RICHES -- Much was made this week of the Canadian contribution to the gift bags given to the nominees at the Academy Awards ceremony last night. What the fuck is that about? Gift bags? There are people who make more money for one movie than many countries use to run their nations for a year, so what the hell are they getting gift bags for? And we are not talking chicken shit presents here… we’re talking in excess of $75,000 worth of trinkets like a Belize getaway, an all-inclusive week-long fitness retreat, and a getaway in the Maldives. This year’s goody bag also includes a Motorola Zoom Tablet, fashion designs, jewelry, silk neckwear with Swarovski crystals, artwork, gift certificates, cosmetics, tattoo removal, dog-cleaning products, electronic cigarettes, and the list goes on. What the hell is all this about? They need this shit? They need more travel, more clothes, more watches? There is nothing like celebrating excess with more fucking excess. Here is my suggestion… let the nominees keep their fucking Doggie Doo Doo Oxy Stain Remover (they might need that when the likes of Asswipe Sheen arrives on their doorstep), get cash donations from the generous people who provide the prizes, and give the money to people who really need it.. the ones who cannot make their mortgage payments right now, the ones who are about to lose their homes this month because they lost their jobs a couple months ago, the ones who have been living in their cars for the last year, the ones who sleep in the doorways, the little kids who have no food or health care... This whole fucking Hollywood schtick makes me want to puke.

DATELINE: STILL AMAZINGLY ON THE BENCH – It has taken society far too long to come to the point of realizing that just because a woman dresses in a skirt or wears make-up or goes out in public in the evening, it is not automatically assumed she is out there with the intention to get raped. It was a long and hard battle, and it still has a ways to go, but thanks to a fucking asshat named Robert Dewar, a Manitoba Court of Queen’s Bench Justice, that cause has been set back twenty years. He stated in his judgment that it was perfectly normal for a woman to be dragged into the woods along a dark highway and viciously attacked and raped because of the way she was dressed on the night in question. Yes, he made this statement during sentencing, that there were ‘inviting circumstances’ because the woman was wearing high heels, a tube top and makeup. He said that ‘sex was in the air’ and the accused? Well, he was just a ‘clumsy Don Juan’ who maybe misunderstood what the woman wanted… so he dragged her out of town, into the woods to rape her and assault her. We all fucking scream for that. What was the outcome of the trial, you ask? Well, the man got a two-year conditional sentence, so he is free and out in the community, no harm, no foul. When considering the statistics regarding rapes, not even one third of them are reported to the police. Why? Because the woman is made to feel like she is the reason for it, because she is put on trial, because she is forced to relive the incident over and over and over again… for the son of a bitch to get a walk because of a fucking judge who has his head so far up his own ass, he probably has not seen the light of day in years. That he was NOT released immediately and a retrial ordered within the hour is criminal alone. The lives and safety of thousands of women are now at higher risk again, because of this fucking asshat. Perhaps next time he puts on a pair of shined shoes and a tie and combs his hair, someone should take him into the woods, beat him and rape him. Maybe that’s the only fucking way he will get a clue.

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind?

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind? The question asked is, I suppose, redundant, the point being that it is all there is after baby times. Infants, it seems, have none. Learn it they do, as they grow, taught to them for fear of injurious death syndrome which brings me to what might be called a point: death! Why does the religious person fear it so? After all, there is a better place, so they say. Could it be fear? I think it is. Here we have it short and sweet; question asked, question answered. We fight disease, pain, consciousness, we fight it all. Then we search for ways to make wider, more encompassing, that conscience which stares us in the face every second of our lives which we so often, suicide-like, choose to ignore, or that chemical aberrational poison of, or in, the head which excuses all evil; drugs, religion, self denial, combinations of all sorts of silliness, or is it?

It is fear, plain and simple. The undoubting believer is afraid he or she just might be wrong, it seems. Why would they fight death so, if that were not the case? Sure, I understand the fear of suffering, pain, cancer therapy, limblessness, going blind, failure, the will to succeed not fail, the latter being the driving force of most, it seems, myself probably included. Oh, by the by, I include myself in all of the above. Do not think for one second that I approach this from on high. No, indeed I do not. I am right slam bang in the middle of it. I am sure many think of these things; they simply have to, right?

I wonder why the subconscious tells us absolute truth. Soldiers know when they are going to buy their lunch. Soldiers know when they are not. Soldiers just know, whether they admit it or not, or rather, if they are listening to their subconscious and simply refuse overtly to believe or understand that, the still small voice that speaks to them in times is always telling the truth. Yes, yes it often screams but is nevertheless ignored by most of us most of the time, me as well. I have learned better, yes I have! I often listen to it, hear it clearly, then totally ignore it, less now than when I was a nipper but still prone to ignore the absolute truth. The spirit of god, which is often, if not always, unheeded gave us the gift of the still small voice which never lies. He also gave us the choice to ignore it which was a tad dastardly to say the least. Come on, you know it is – dastardly, I mean.

Fear: the indomitable spirit of mankind. What makes us stand up and be counted, which is heroic because, of course, you cannot have courage without fear, can you?

So, question asked again and answered, again! The infant has none. It has reaction, shock, shit like that but it has no fear. No, none whatsoever. We have it, so we teach it. A matter of self preservation, you say? Absolutely it is, necessary as all hell. So what is it that makes our tribes as they are everywhere? Maybe I am figuring out catch-22 in my old age? What do you think? That is not bad; after all, better late than never, right?

Go from this electrical search for salvation, leave fear at the wayside of the banal. The Right Reverend Dillinger Flakewaiter gives you permission, as God gave love to his son who was crucified, dead and buried, who rose from the dead to quicken our lives without the devil’s chide. Peace, love to you all on this most glorious of days, our Lord's day. Remember it is every day that fear beckons to you as the whore, the harlot, the politician who craves your power. Remember that the mammon of the devil is fear. Trade places with yourselves, send His message to relieve your hearts. Oh, by the way, I am totally fucking broke so send money. That will alleviate most of your damned fear – Love, Reverend D.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: APPARENTLY NOT CONTROLLING HIS IMPULSES – If I worked on the set of Two and a Half Men, I would not be pissing around any longer. I would be going to my co-workers and collectively finding a fucking lawyer to take asswipe Charlie Sheen down, hereafter referred to as simply Asswipe, because he deserves no further attention in his own name. Enough is enough. The people just trying to work for a living, collectively not even getting paid in a year what the asswipe gets paid for even one episode deserve much better, and that should come in the form on financial remuneration taken from the asswipe’s wallet alone. The likes of Jon Cryer, Conchata Ferrell, Holland Taylor and Angus T Jones deserve much better than they have received. For starters, they have to be given awards for patience and understanding because through all the crap the asswipe has handed out, they have remained steadfast. Justice would be for the show to carry on without the asswipe, perhaps with his character being incarcerated for some totally implausible thing like driving while pissed out of his mind, leaving Alan and Jake to move in with Berta. There is a lesson to be learned in this for the networks – when you pay anyone the amount of money that the asswipe was paid for doing a couple hours of work a day, you are courting disaster. There is NO ONE in the fucking world worth that much money, so perhaps it’s time to stop creating these over-indulgent arrogant asswipes. His tirade about Chuck Lorre, the writer of the program, is unacceptable. His comments about a new series with HBO should be clarified immediately, and the possibility of him making it big in the movies would be a mistake of epic proportions on the part of directors and producers, because in light of his comments, despite whatever bullshit excuses will follow eventually for his incredibly terrible behavior, I suspect no one will be holding their breath to see what he can come up with again, because he has used up all of his do-overs about twenty do-over’s ago. The time has come for these puissant little pieces of shit to be held to account for the many many lives they destroy without a thought. To the crew and cast of Two and a Half Men, you all deserve much praise and respect for your incredible patience, understanding and the class you have shown for the last many years in dealing with such a spoiled brat. One might suggest that he take his ‘fire breathing fists’ and go hunt some real maggots and earthworms. He could start by looking in the fucking mirror.

DATELINE: PACKING HER BAGS AND HEADING TO THE CROWBAR HOTEL – Well, we can hope, right? It’s where Lindsay Lohan, another of the infamously ill-behaving overindulgent hack pack, should be going. She thought she could just ‘take’ the necklace? And it maybe wasn’t worthy quite the $2500? What the fuck is that? She walked out of a fucking store with merchandise she did not pay for, when god knows she is more than able to pay for it, so hold the little bitch accountable for what she does. It’s long overdue. If it was anyone in the ‘real’ world, there would be no excuse. There would be no chance to argue that it was a mistake, that it was the action of a drug-induced haze, or the ravings of a truly delusional idiot… anyone else would be in fucking jail, and would do the full term of their sentence. That’s what this bitch needs, with a cell beside Betina the Biker Babe who has a hankering for skinny whiny bitches. Perhaps a dose of some real fucking life and some real drama that far too many people have to endure, would help Miss Lindsay get her shit together… but then again, that would imply she has a fucking brain and a conscience; both a pretty high expectation considering the evidence.

DATELINE: AND THE OSCAR FOR MOST IRONIC PERFORMANCE GOES TO… -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in his famous, yet slightly hilarious hit ‘Condemnation of Libyan Atrocities’. (waits for applause to stop). Mahmoud called the actions of his friend, God G’damned Gadhafi, unimaginable as protestors were killed. He implored all Arab leaders to listen to their people (like he does**) and was baffled at how it could be possible for the leader of a nation to use ‘machine guns, tanks and bombs’ against their own citizens (when gas, torture, and hollow-point ammo in smaller firearms is more than sufficient**). He can make these statements though, with a clear conscience, because there will be no people revolting in Iran. They wouldn’t dare to, would they? We should also mention that Mahmoud is a contender for the Oscar in the category of ‘Best Performance of a Despot in a Leading Role’. It’s one hell of a sad fucking day when the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is considered a voice of reason.

** sarcastic font, because you might not catch that. (rolls eyes)

DATELINE: HITTING THE PAGES AND CLEARING AWARD SPACE ON ASHELF ON THE OLD MANTLE – Whether the world is ready for it or not, thanks to the efforts of the slightly insane people at Writers AMuse Me, Bambi will be presented to the world in a new format. The story that brought life to this big old broad will be available for purchase starting April 7th, at the www.WritersAMuseMe.com website. I have no idea what the people there are smoking, but the Ed-Tit-or in Chief has deemed it publishable, so who the hell am I to argue with him. If you are looking for an interesting ride, please check it out. I have fucking internet bills to pay (thanks to the incredible assholes at the CRTC who think we need to pay more for the limited internet we have) so please be generous, or at least show some pity. The makers of blood pressure medications will thank you… and I will as well.

DAILY NEWS – February 22, 2011

DAILY NEWS – February 22, 2011

DATELINE: SOON TO BE AT THE END OF HIS ROPE (HOPEFULLY) – It can’t be long now before that asshole Dick Cheney comes on television to remind us what a great guy and loyal friend Moammar has been… at least to Halliburton. How the hell can anyone say otherwise about Gadhafi? Last week, the Libyan leader urged Palestinians to follow the model set by Egypt and rise in protest against oppression and government abuse. Hmmm, bet he would love to fucking take those words back, now that his own people have also taken this advice. God forbid they want a better life than what they were offered under Gadhafi Duck. The ‘flaky’ ‘mad dog of the Middle East’ (love him or hate, old Rocket Ronnie had a way with a phrase) has responded by having his fighter planes and helicopters open up on the people gathered to kick his ass out of Tripoli. He has his military charge in and beat and shoot people, he cuts off all communication for his people and disallows media to enter the country. Someone needs to take care of this fucking asshole – perhaps some wonderful hollow points headed in his direction rather than at protestors might give him some perspective. He has given new meaning to fucking nuts, and his people and countless others have suffered because of him. In his hour-long babblefest, he accused the protestors of being on drugs and working for the devil, he stated, in the third person, no less, that Moammar Gadhafi cannot step down because he is not a government leader but rather the leader of a revolution… funny how many times he can change his title, his form of government and his mind in a few seconds. He said he would not resort to violence, then called on the people of Libya who supported him to go and kill the protestors where they sleep, then screamed that he would fight to the death. I think someone should fucking accommodate him in that wish, and soon, because a future of incredible violence awaits masses of people as long as he is there. He is a war criminal, he has committed unspeakable crimes against humanity… and any other leader (this would be that other nucking fut-case Chavez) who aids or harbors him should face the same damned charges. Perhaps some pressure from the developed world (other than idiot-face lame ass Harper) could help to shut him down? Of course, with the oil they have there (they are the eighth largest producer in the world), no one wants to shit in that nest.

DATELINE: ON PARLIAMENT HILL HAVING ANOTHER ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ MOMENT – Last week we heard how Bev Oda had changes the entire meaning and content of a signed report with the addition of one word… ‘NOT’… after the fact, then using that document as the basis of a decision regarding funding. The people who had signed the report were not aware of the change to their text, did not sign or initial the change, were not consulted about the change. No matter how you look at it, she illegally altered legal, signed documents. That’s the bottom fucking line. (NOTE TO JACK LAYTON: She did not forge anything… she falsified, she altered, but she did not forge. If you want to make a legal fucking argument in a legislative chamber at least please get the word right). On Friday, the Harper government conceded that perhaps the decision and the subsequent cover-up were not ‘a work of art’. What the fuck is that?? Someone needs to do some major ass-kicking to that arrogant supercilious fucking government. Someone also needs to kick some opposition ass as well, because even though Parliament is not sitting… why the hell not take off the whole week when just the Monday is a fuckin holiday… they should be in the media taking this and the other issues with this government to task. They should be doing this every fucking day, not for an hour one week, then letting the issues go. Do your fucking job, people! What the fuck are you being paid for?

DATELINE: AIN’T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD – Yesterday, RCMP Assistant Commissioner Peter Hourihan went to talk to Buddy Tavares. You remember Buddy Tavares, the guy who took an RCMP boot to the face while he was kneeling on the ground? You remember watching that nice video footage of Constable Geoff Mantler walking up to Tavares and letting fly with a kick that lifted Buddy right off the ground, that broke teeth and caused a concussion? Oh, and remember that they put Buddy in cells for the weekend on some bullshit trumped –up charges about domestic violence and careless use of a firearm? Yeah, the Crown Prosecutor announced yesterday that those charges would be stayed because of a lack of evidence. Now there is one hell of a shocking development.* The Assistant Commission took the opportunity to officially apologize to Buddy Tavares… well whoop-de-fucking-do! He did not mention compensation, and God knows that we have heard nothing about the charges that should and must be laid against Mantler. I have to say, I am so god damned fucking tired of politicians and police fucking the dog long enough that we lose track of the shit they don’t account for. We need to start holding these overpaid over-privileged assholes to account, and we have to start doing it now.




(*that was done in sarcastic font, in case you didn’t catch it*)

Sunday Sermon with The Rever-end Dillinger

Yeah though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil? So what does that mean? Hmmmm... I wonder? Have you walked through the valley of death? It is just down the street and round the corner. Might be called Joe's Bar, Pinky's Whore House, might even be your own little white picket-fenced house, right? Children, the Ides of March... Julius new them well... is full-time, permanent, walk My path and you shall be with Me in the Kingdom of Heaven. What do you see as you stand to look at yourselves? A man? A woman? A child? A whore? A war monger? What? Why must you and I walk through the valley of death, which is a metaphor for life on life's terms? Do not sit, but stand and walk with me. Those I suppose are not Jesus Christ's words; never read them in the bible, although like words I have. Why should we walk with God and we will never walk alone? Have you ever seen Him when you turned to look behind you in a dark alley? What the hell were you doing in that damned alley to begin with? You walked into a dark alley to search for something, I know.

Now the search begins. What is fear but a reaction? Is it an emotion? I think not, but, rather something learned to enable us to survive. Think about it, children. Does the child fear the serpent, the scorpion, the electric outlet? He learns that these things, among others, will cause him pain. Does he know of death? What child knows of death other than the children who have learned to fear it? How often have I heard the good, spiritual person wailing at the loss of a loved one? If they are as they say, a true believer, why do they not rejoice? Fear, that wretched necessary learned reaction, the valley of death, screams at them in anger.

Screams silence my soul. Screams; those buggers that walk in the dark alley of your mind, that support your desire to reach out, beg for oblivion, for hope that our Lord God will hold you up, succor you to his breast, gently wipe the sweat from your feeble breast, welcome you to His kingdom. Yet, you fear, for it is all you have. You cannot have courage without fear, as I have so often spoken. You cannot have faith without doubt, for if you have no doubt how could you have faith? Blind the man who stumbles into the alley, the valley of death, in hopes for salvation that he so readily has at hand. The Lord God Almighty asks only for your love and forgives His mistake of creation. What choice does He have, for Lucifer, his most beautiful of angels, waits in soft decry of the Lord who did not create him. How could the Lord, who is perfect in all, quicken the dust, create in His image so foul a creature as we?

He could not have created His most beautiful of angels, for if He had then we would indeed live without the valley of death, the dark alleys of our minds. We would live without the warrior or the pacifist. We would be as our Lord God Almighty but for his error.

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY – FEBRUARY 19th, 2011

DATELINE: SINGING THE BOOB SERENADE – Well, the opera is not dead, but it could well be that Richard Thomas’ newest attempt at putting a new spin to the art (Anna Nichole, The Opera) could well place opera on the critical list. How the hell could a strong, evil Scarpia compete with Anna Nichol singing an aria expressing… and I am not making this up… her absolute delight in her new breasts. Talk about adding some fucking meat to a performance! And Madam Butterfly, eat your heart out, because Anna, at the end of the first act, stands on top her wedding cake with her new old… er… old new… er… the billionaire she married who was 63 years older than she was. Can art get much better than this? Imagine her doctor singing about her options as far as cup size goes and her dead son finally getting to sing after he is dead, his aria listing the many drugs found in his system when he was dead. The truly disturbing part of all of this is that the remaining five shows are sold out. What the fuck are you people thinking?

DATELINE: CONTROLLING HIS IMPULSES – Well, that’s what Charlie Sheen wants the world to think. If you can believe, with bravado matched only by the Vatican as they reprimand Berlesconi about his sexual indiscretions, Sheen publicly offered up some ‘sound’ advice for Lindsay Lohan. Now there are two fucking pod peas! “Work on your impulse control. Just think things though a little bit before you do them.” Wow. Too bad Charlie never thought of this before he beat his wife, before he tried to mainline cocaine a couple years ago, before he went on a two-day whore and whiskey bender, before he spent a wild and crazy 38 hours seeing just how much crap he could put into his system and live… While I admire his attempt to want to reach out to someone, to offer help, to provide some insight based on experience. It would just have a little more fucking credibility if it came after something more than a fucking two days of sobriety.

DATELINE: FAILING IN HER NEW ROLE AS MARIE ANTOINETTE – Imagine the fucking tragedy!! Turning thirty and having no cake? I have no idea how the hell Paris Hilton managed it. You would think with more money than God, she might have been able to find someone to make her a cake. I can totally understand the scope of this horror! No cake? On her birthday? Well stop the fucking presses! To be fair, she had arranged for a cake… a $3,200 fucking cake with Lucid-brand absinthe mixed into the batter, but it was stolen by some asshat named Paz. If Paz had some fucking balls he would say who he is, but it really doesn’t matter a flying fuck. While this news is rocking the developed world, one has to wonder just how many people in Haiti have celebrated their birthdays this last year without any cake, let alone a fucking $3,200 cake. How the hell is that even possible… to spend that much money on cake that, three hours later you are just going to crap out? The story should not be that the cake was gone… the story should be that the cake was even fucking contemplated when so many have absolutely nothing. This bullshit is enough to make a person puke.

DATELINE: LOADED FOR BEAR – You just have to love fucking reality television, especially when they set up situations that, for the sake of adding drama to what is in truth boring as watching shit on a stick, result in the needless death of an animal. The show Gold Rush: Alaska is about a group of unemployed people trying to strike it rich. In a breathtaking sequence at the start of one of their shows, a black bear is shown in camp. (It is believed to have been drawn there by improperly stored food ). The bear threatened no one, nothing was damaged by the creature, but the ‘star’ of the show, Greg Remsburg, states, while with great theatrical aplomb he crams a shell into the rifle chamber, “That bear’s not going to get in between my son and I. That I guarantee ya.” So, for no reason other than to perhaps bump up ratings, the bear, or rather a bear (because it is believed by the Department of Natural Resources, after an investigation into the shooting) other than the one that was in the camp earlier, ended up shot. You just gotta love that Sarah Palin ‘I gots my gun and come hell or high water I will find something to fucking shoot with it’ attitude. This is just one more reason why reality tv should be illegal.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2011

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 18th, 2011

DATELINE: GETTING SOME MORE IRONY IN MY DIET – Catholic Bishops in Brazil have joined together to raise awareness of a ‘low moral level’ and the ‘abusive and immoral exploitation’ so prevalent… not in their own institution, but rather in Brazilian reality television. They must have a reality show called ‘So You Think You Can Be A Priest’. They have pointed out that television network officials must consider their role in society, that they have to bear in mind the huge audiences that watch these shows, especially Brazil’s Big Brother… oooo la la … and that the amount of sexual innuendo and bad language is excessive. The shows, claim the collective bishops, are an ‘attack on the human dignity of the participants…blah blah blah…’ So, tell me this and no more; where the hell does anyone associated with the Catholic Church get off spewing moral platitudes and issuing warnings about sexual impropriety and exploitation? I suppose, to be fair, they have the gig down pat, as well as the covering up of whatever improprieties and exploitations they participate in, but seriously? Clean up your own fucking confessional first, before you start talking to people about what happens everywhere else, because, seriously, whatever the issue, no matter how superficial or serious it might be, you decrease credibility of all of it. It’s time to stop casting stones, you hypocritical asses.

DATELINE: FROM SQUIRRELS TO NUTS – What could be more perfect than Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, going squirrely. It was just a matter of time, and I have to say, if I had to wake up to the likes of Camilla, I might be inclined as well to head out to the bush to save the little acorn chompers. Hell, cleaning out the septic tank would hold more appeal than waking up to the likes of Camilla, but I digress. Prince Chuckles has thrown his heart and his support into efforts to help restore the dwindling numbers of local red squirrels, which are being threatened by the introduction of the grey squirrels, those pesky little buggers that brought a pox with them to England – seriously, they carry a fatal pox. His dream is that the red squirrels will thrive through the United Kingdom, and his great ambition? “…to have one in the house, sitting on the breakfast table and on my shoulder’. Anything would be a step up from his bride.

DATELINE: NOT HAVING A WHALE OF A TIME – The Japanese whaling ships have called it quits for the year. Excuse me a minute while I try to drum up something other than complete total fucking joy at this news! They claim that Sea Shepherd activists have been harassing them, preventing them from completing their catch of 850 animals – yes, that is 850 whales they are ‘allowed’ to hunt thanks to the exploitation of an international legal loophole that permits the hunt for ‘scientific purposes’ (that is why it is for sale on the shelves of grocery stores all over the fucking country). What a flaming crock of shit that is. Now, to be fair, the primary target for these idiots is the Minke whale, one of the few species that is not endangered, however their official quota is the provision for them to hunt both fin and humpback whales, both of which are on the endangered list. What the fuck is that about? There are people busting their asses to preserve and protect these species from extinction, only to have these assholes come along and shoot them… for science? Other whale species caught recently by the Japanese whaling fleets include Bryde’s, Sei and Sperm whales. Yes, the Sperm are just considered vulnerable because of their diminished numbers, and the Bryde’s is rare enough that they cannot even give a head count other than to say there is under 100,000 of the animals in the entire world, but why split hairs? It is past due for the international community to finally grow some fucking balls and stand up, saying loud and clear that this shit cannot and will not be tolerated any more.

DATELINE: WITNESSING THE BADGER – Cows in England were dying of Tuberculosis, so what is the obvious thing to do? Why, kill the badgers, of course. According to the government, badger populations are definitely related to the spread of TB in cattle herds, but no one seems to really know what the hell that relationship is. The problem with the theory is that in the past years, without killing any badgers, the cases of TB have gone down… amazing the miracle of fucking inoculations. Now, however, every freaking farmer in the country is hell bent on culling badgers, a desire borne from the fear mongering of politicians blessed more with the need to create campaign issues than they are with fucking brains. The cull is currently on hold, because the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs is still licking their wounds from the clusterfuck they created by unadvisedly selling off a bunch of forest land, so thankfully in this case, especially for the badgers, they are a tad gun shy. Halleluiah for small mercies.

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 17th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 17th, 2011

DATELINE: SCRATCHING ‘NOT’ NOTES WHERE THEY OUGHT NOT TO BE – As the opposition parties in Canada’s Parliament increase their demands for some action, Prime Minister Harper still has his head firmly implanted up his ass. That, I know, is nothing new. This time, however, he is totally refusing to acknowledge the fact that his Minister for International Co-Operation, Bev Oda, significantly altered the content of a report. Whether or not she has the right to approve or deny funding for groups is not the fucking issue, Comrade Harper; Yes, she has the right and the obligation to make those decisions that fall within the purview of her portfolio. No one is arguing that. What they are arguing is that a document was created and submitted, and she inserts the word ‘Not’ within the text, after signatures have been applied to the document, without the proper signatures that would indicate the change was acknowledged and agreed to by the parties that had signed the documents. Sorry, but in the rest of this fucking country, that is not particularly cricket. She has effectively falsified a document, and she has to be held to account for that. She has destroyed whatever tatters of trust may have existed in her and her credibility. Two months ago, she denied any knowledge of the altering of the document, another lie to the people who pay her fucking wages. Harper, you fucking arrogant jackass, quite hiding behind her right to make the decision regarding funding, and deal with the real issue, the real legalities of the issue of her changing a document. The longer you spend being obtuse about what everyone else in the whole fucking country knows is the issue, the more arrogant and asshatted you look, and believe me, that is quite the fucking accomplishment.

DATELINE: INSIDE THE PETRIE DISH – That is what the Playboy Mansion has to feel like now! Well, it probably always was. I can just imagine if the CSI stars had to walk in there with their funky black lights and glasses looking for evidence. Ewww. After 200 people have become ill after attending a party there though, Los Angeles Country’s Department of Public Health believes there is a connection to the respiratory infection outbreak they are currently experiencing… well, they call it a conference, but come on, it was the fucking playboy mansion. Saying they were attending a conference there is like saying guys buy the magazines to read the fucking articles.

DATELINE: COMING IN ON A WING IN A LAIR – Thanks to the efforts and generosity of game-show host Bob Barker, 25 lions were rescued and flown to Denver International Airport, enroute to their new home at the Wildlife Sanctuary in Keenesburg, Colorado. These poor cats were rescued from deplorable conditions where many of them suffered from dehydration and infections. They were animals used in a circus in Bolivia until a recent law was passed preventing the use of animals in performances. It is a small start, but it’s a start in the efforts to free animals from horrible, criminal conditions, such as what these animals were exposed. Where the hell do we get off capturing these animals and treating them like shit, like inanimate props to be beaten, starved and neglected while still raking in the money they bring because of their inherent beauty and majesty? Of course, we treat too many people the same way, so I guess there is a lot of fucking room for improvement.

DATELINE: ONE TOKEN OVER THE LINE – US President Barack Obama today proposed to slap Canadians with a $5.50 fee for every visitor who travels south by air or by sea. This raping would be called a ‘Passenger Inspection Fee’ and Canada has been exempt from having to pay any of these fees for many years. I am not sure how the hell this falls in line with the Free Trade Agreement, but then again, that piece of paper has been bastardized so many times already, it really doesn’t matter. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, another $5.50 isn’t such a big deal… although for a family of four or five it does start to add up, especially when all the other costs of air travel are considered. Right now, when I purchase an airline ticket, the cost of the taxes and surcharges already are more than the damned plane ticket themselves, so what the fuck; go ahead and add one more expense to us when we want to go down there and spend money like fucking idiots. It’s nice to think, though, that we are viewed as part of the solution to the clusterfuck economy down there. Thanks so much, Barack… we love you too.

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 16th, 2011

DATELINE: CRAWLING TO THE APP STORE ON MY KNEES – Is it possible? The purification of confession with the security of not having to go into a confessional with a priest – yours now for the very reasonable price of $1.99 at the App store? Actually, according to the Vatican, you are not able to phone in or email in your sins, but don’t worry or stress about what you might have to still say – compared to the sins of the church, how the hell bad can your own sins be? To use this app, you start off by entering your age and sex… because these are things you are ‘appt’ to forget, or because they might make a difference in how your sins are treated, the church still falling a bit behind on that gender equality thing. You then are led through the required 'examination of conscience'; the one programmed into the app is based on the Ten Commandments, however, you can override those and customize your own guidelines – wouldn’t you love to see what guidelines fucking Cardinal Law has programmed in? Once you have gone through your checklist, head off to church. The app will guide you through the whole process, and at the end, it includes all the necessary prayers that might be required as part of your penance. I suspect there will even be a button there to play the damned things so you don’t have to… which will certainly put a dent into Dial-A-Prayer’s business.

DATELINE: WITH YOUR BAALS TO THE WALL – Is there any greater honor to be bestowed on a man than to have his name on a street or a building in his home town? It’s tradition, it’s American, it’s… not in the cards for the former mayor of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Despite a poll that indicated the people of that fair city believed the man was more than worthy of having his name on the new government center, Harry Baals has been snubbed. I’m sorry, but I believe that if anyone can get fucking voted into public office with the name Harry Baals, then he damned well does deserve to have his name on a building, a street, a playground... hell, I think it would be a great fucking new name for Iran, something totally nuts that would go so well with that bedbug-crazy asshole Ahmadinejad. People would bust down the doors trying to buy up #69 Harry Baals Drive. Sounds like one hell of a great new address for the girls down at Pinky’s. Harry’s folks obviously had one hell of a sense of humor. The only thing that could possibly be better is if he married Myra Maines.

DATELINE: READING X-RAYS AND WHATEVER OTHER FILMS YOU HAVE – If there is one place where people need to have absolute security, it is when they go to the doctor. Any violation of this trust is a breach of the most hideous kind, and yet… Dr. Barry Rabinovitch, a pulmonologist at the Montreal Chest Institute and the Queen Elizabeth Health Centre, would ask his female patients to disrobe, and while they were naked, he would take video of them with his hidden camera. Don’t worry though… the 56-year old fucking pervert asshole married father of two said the movies were meant only for his own personal gratification (read that as wienie-wanking films) and not for anyone else, including the students he also teaches at McGill University. For this breach, the man should be hung up by his balls, and every woman he violated should be allowed to beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat for the exact length of time she was illegally filmed. What did he get? Suspended, for four fucking months, and a $3000 fine, because his victims were not violated enough already. This fucking asshole’s name should be pasted everywhere across this God damned country and he should never be allowed to teach, touch or practice whatever the fuck it is he is practicing, while getting paid boatloads of taxpayers’ money for doing it.

DATELINE: AT THE DUMP, DROPPING OFF THE SCALES OF JUSTICE – Math is not my strong suit. I make no fucking secret of that. However, no matter how hard I try, there is no way to possibly add up the numbers here in any way that makes some sort of god damned sense. A German man, who can only be identified as Detlef S, is charged with… wait for it… 385 counts of sexual abuse and misconduct. Yes, I checked to make sure I had that number right… 385. 350 sexual abuse charges resulted from twenty years of torture and abuse forced on his daughter, his stepdaughter and his stepson. The remaining 35 counts are in relation to him forcing the two girls to have sex with other men for money… yes, the bastard prostituted his own children. He molested his daughter when she was nine; for her twelfth birthday, he raped her for the first time. What a fucking peach! He began his abuse of his twin stepchildren when they were four. Through his forced assaults, his step-daughter gave birth to eight more children for him (he has admitted paternity, but denies any sexual assault… like it was a fucking miracle.) The judge hearing the case has ordered an investigation into the possibility that he assaulted at least one of these children as well. So… 385 counts, 20 years of hands-on hell and a lifetime of torture for the three children, and he is looking at a maximum possible sentence of 15 years in jail if he is found guilty? What the fuck is that? 15 years? There is no punishment in the world that even comes close to what this fucking asshole did, and the courts in Germany need to make sure Detlef S never sees the light of day again, at least not with his fucking junk intact.

DATELINE: IN REHAB, THE MALIBU WAY – After a miraculous recovery from all that ails him, Charlie Sheen explained on Monday that he is not to blame for the fact that the crew of Two and a Half Men are not working. He claims he is ready to work, that his hiatus was forced on him by the powers that be, and that he was beating on the backstage door waiting for them to let him in to work. Why the hell shouldn’t he work? He’s clean and sober… at least for the moment, but he had no guarantees that he would stay that way. ‘They didn’t think it was going to happen this fast. But check it out – I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly.’ Well, there you go… can you ask for any more ownership of his problem or any better way of showing your intention to actually attempt to make it work? As for the morals clause in his contract, his reaction was “Yeah, blah blah nitpick nitpick, I haven’t read it, but I don’t think it covers 'let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life’.” Here is what someone needs to do with Mr. Up-Your-Ass, I-m-Worth-Millions-So-Kiss-My-Over-privileged-Ass; someone needs to pin that prick up by the ears and beat some fucking sense into him, then take him down to some place like Haiti, put two guards on him that cannot be bought, and make that son of a bitch work for a while, help someone other than himself, and sweat his way to fucking sobriety. He needs a fucking life and a reality check.

DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – February 15th, 2011


DATELINE: GETTING THE FOAM FINGER READY AND LOCKING UP THE CAT – Yes! Finally it is that most wonderful time of the year, when those little tidbits from training camp start trickling out to us, whetting our appetites with news of roster changes and pitching camps. The sport of (very fucking hawt) gentleman is warming up, and soon we will be able to spend out weekends drooling at Adrian Beltre , Mark Scutaro, Kevin Youkilis, Jacoby Ellsbury and JD Drew, while wanting to take a baseball bat and ram it up Francona’s ass when he is doing stupid shit. We can curse at the likes of A Rod and AJ Burnet, the A in both case standing for arrogant and asshole, depending on context, and in some cases, it stands for both, yet marvel at the pitching ability of CC Sabathia and the incredibly cute smile of Derek Jeter. We can hope that Kendry Morales will be back in the game, and hold our breath in hopes that Bud Black and his Padres will pull off another exciting, incredible season. Yes, it’s time for peanuts and popcorn, and for the stupid fucking cat to bite me on the back of the head as I sing along with the seventh inning stretch. This year damned well better offer my first, and hopefully not my last, chance to see at least some of those incredibly awesome men with the gorgeous asses in person. Woooooooooo Hooooooooooo…. Baseball season is almost here!!!

DATELINE: CHEWING HIM UP AND SPITTING HIM OUT – You have to wonder when Tiger Woods is going to get a fucking break… well, okay, maybe not a fucking break, because that is what landed him in the soup last time, but you know what I mean. This weekend, while playing in the Dubai Desert Classic, Tiger hocked a loogie on the 12th green, something that is virtually considered a crime in the Arab nation. Here is a little hint to all you globe trotters – when in another country, it’s a good idea to check the local laws. Remember that whole thing about farting in Malawi? Who the hell wants it to be said on international television that you went to the slammer for five days for farting in public? Sorry… I digress. While I have a hard time believing all the shit that has hit the fan about a fucking loogie, especially considering some of the things Tiger has done both on and off the course, I have to say ‘Tiger, what the fuck is the matter with you?’ If you hocked a loogie on my grass, I would kick your fucking ass! It’s disgusting! Other people have to use that green. How would you like to kneel down to size up a putt and, when you stand up, find a gob of snot on your knee? For the love of all that is fucking holy, use your god damned brain! If spitting is something you just HAVE to do, disgusting and absolutely no-class as it is, then hire someone to walk around behind you carrying a spittoon.

DATELINE: TAKING OFF THE GLOVES – Well, I could totally fucking kiss Mario Lemieux. Finally someone has the balls to stand up and ask ‘where the fuck are the hockey players and why are all these idiot no-talent thugs on the fucking ice?’ After the incident years ago with that idiot asshole Todd Bertuzzi when he violently, unnecessarily, stupidly and hatefully attacked Steve Moore, the skill of real hockey players means absolutely nothing anymore. There are more ‘enforcers’ on the ice than anything else. Well, finally, after the match last Friday between the Penguins and the Islanders, Lemieux reached his breaking point, questioning why he is involved with an organization that is concerned absolutely only with the money and the spectacular of the fights and the cash value of the blood on the ice, instead of preserving the actual game of hockey. The statistics from that game are fucking disgusting… 346 minutes of penalties, 10 players ejected from the fame, 15 major fights, 20 misconducts. While checks and hits are a part of the game, assaults on other players that are not part of the play are just that – criminal assaults. It’s nice, though, that the NHL has adopted the Vatican approach to law and misconduct… we can police ourselves, because the laws that dictate behavior everywhere else in the country don’t seem to apply on a sheet of fucking ice.

DAILY NEWS - February 14th, 2011 VALENTINE'S DAY!

Nothing says HAPY VALENTINE'S DAY Like a Picture of Muammar Gadddafi!!

DAILY NEWS, FEBRUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUGE FUCKING NUT IN THE NUT BOWL – While the rest of the world congratulates the people of Egypt on their incredible, peaceful push for democracy and human rights, enter that totally fucking insane Sultan of Sweet, Muammar Gaddafi. As some of you may remember, this wonderful piece of egomaniacal international shit is the one who brought us such events as the Locherbie plane crash and the murder of athletes at the Munich Olympics. He has a full roster of this sort of crap, having been in control of his country for the past 41 years. Now he is calling on the people of Palestine to stand up and revolt against Israel, to crowd the wall and man boats until the Israelis back down and give them freedom. God forbid he pass up the chance to create havoc and effect death. Of course, he could not pass up the opportunity to encourage Muslim countries to rise up against Western Powers, because we in the ‘white countries’ are the enemies of Islam. It should be pointed out that this fucking revolutionary dictator has made it illegal for anyone to object to him or his rule – so much for democracy. He also is very well known for his very open encouragement and support of anyone who wants to attack the west, including offering free weapons and supplies to anyone planning an attack against Europe or North America. It should also be noted that George Bush, that good old boy and model of excellent fucking judgment, took Libya and Gaddafi off the list of countries that support and harbor terrorists, but that was because of a nice little $2.7B that Libya still has not made good on. But what the fuck? He has the oil, so he should be the king of the back room ass reaming.

DATELINE: STILLWITH OUR HAND IN THE NUT BOWL – Sarah Palin has hired a new heavy duty Republican political advisor, Michael Glassner, to head her ‘political action committee’. This will be the man to help her when she runs for the White House in 2012. He will be in charge of those cutsey pukesy tweets, which will be a full-time job all by itself. Then there are the facebook status updates, and the negotiations about which reality television show Sarah should attempt next. Michael, honey, let me give you a little tip; duct tape. Seriously, it was created for problems just like Sarah Palin, and not just for across her mouth! That’s the fucking beauty of it – you can tape her fingers so she stays away from the fucking keyboard, and it can double as a replaceable Palm Pilot for her, so she can just rip off a layer to find out what her next stupid fucking answer should be. Or, pick up some shares in some Jose, because you just might be needing it!

DATELINE: HEADING TO THE ‘SHOULD HAVE THEIR NUTS WHACKED OFF’ DEPARTMENT – Yes, you guessed it! Another Catholic Church Cardinal has been accused of covering up for and protecting an abusive priest. This time it is Cardinal Ad Simonis, who moved an abusive priest to another parish where he was able to abuse some more. Yes, he admits it, but he says… wait for it… he thought the priest had changed, so he didn’t even bother monitoring the asshole’s behavior. The initial reports of the abuse came from the priest’s Bishop. For some absolutely impossible to fathom reason, the name of the priest is not being released. This would be the same Cardinal Ad Simonis who, last year, said there was absolutely no knowledge of any abuse by any priest in the Netherlands, but somehow, by some fucking miracle, there surfaced records of over 200 allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests there. One wonders what the fuck Cardinal Ad Simonis was doing all those years when this was happening.

DATELINE: DYING FOR SOMEONE TO CUT THE RED TAPE BULLSHIT – Birgilio Marin-Fuentes was driving to Portland Adventist Medical Center because he was not feeling well. As he pulled into the underground parking garage, under the Emergency Parking Only sign, he crashed his car. Finally someone noticed his wreck and went in to the hospital to report it to a police officer in the emergency room. Officers Angela Luty and Robert Quick found the man, but 20 minutes had passed from the time he had crashed, and he was now unconscious and unresponsive. The police officers started CPR and a third officer ran into the emergency, 125 feet away, to get help. The help he got? Advice to call 911. Yes, the man was in the parking lot of the hospital, an 8 second stroll away from what he needed, and yet there was nothing… NOTHING done by medical staff to help him. Although the hospital says it did send out a security officer with a mobile defibrillator, and a paramedic, the police reported that no one came to help them until the ambulance arrived. Of course, the hospital claims it is protocol to not go out there because what if the patient needs to be extricated? Well, you fucking help him while he is being extricated then, don’t you? An independent investigation has been requested, thank Christ, because hospital staff do have a responsibility to treat anyone critically injured on their premises, including parking lots. Sadly, this bullshit happens too often, excused by the claims of insurance regulations, hospital policy and state protocols, but that is all nothing but absolute bull crap. You have an obligation to help people in trouble medically. One also assumes you were issued with a heart. Too bad there was no one with a fucking heart around when Mr. Marin-Fuentes was desperately in need of a doctor.

DATELINE: LOVING IT UP FOR VALENTINES DAY – Let it not be said that Bambi does not have a soft side, a romantic bent that she prefers to keep under wraps. Well, in honor of the day, thanks to the Bronx Zoo, I can name a roach for the one I love. Hell, for $10 I can afford to have a couple of lovers. These Madagascar hissing roaches are the biggest and loudest of all the roaches, so what could be better to pass on that message of love? Just to give you a few tidbits about your lovers namesake, these fucking buggers can climb up glass, and they hiss when they are disturbed, horny or pissed off. These little darlings can live up to five fucking years. Some people keep them as pets. The only advantage with Dash the Cockroach is that by dropping $5.95 at the local Walmart for a can of Raid, I can keep the son of a bitch under control. Give your lover that present they will remember for fucking every… nothing says love like a cockroach.

Sunday Sermon with Dillinger Flakewaiter

Sunday Sermon with Dillinger Flakewaiter

"How do I stand tall over this grave?" It was not the first time I had asked myself. The future held it's hand out to me as a juggernaut of conscience might crush the hulls of broad ships. As for some, age acquires the distaste of halceon days remembered as hopes, not reality; a pendulum that swings to the rhythm of assuaged guilt.

"I call to you oh Lord God Amighty, why?" It was not the first time I had asked myself.

"God tests us so, John Farley. You, as a man of God, must understand." Soft dusk wind snorted at the purity of my strife.

"It is not a question of why, dear friend, rather when. He acts to challenge the heart, the spirit, His creation. You, as a man of God, must undertand." Roger Applewhite took the soft dusk wind and spat on the heart of my spirit.

"When you were in seminary did you have absolute faith, Roger? I met my wife Sarah while studying. We commited great sin I was told. Forwarned, I flung her to the ground as the Lord would wish.

"Did Jesus Christ not lift her back into your heart?" Reverend Applewhite, an odd name for a man with a soul best described as a prune.

"Yes Roger, my love was lifted by the Son of Man. I learned of love, disregarded their teaching, went with Him for the flowers. We had great discussions, Roge: You know, regarding the Son of Man? Was Jesus really God's own flesh, his blood, his spirit on earth? Oh yes, many a late night with friends discussing the obvious."

"What did you decide, dear friend?"

"We decided absolutely nothing whatsoever. I decided that my faith was, at best, an odd puzzle which would never be put together without force or faith. I decided that it was not relevant, that even if a group of disciples had made it up, spread the word, that, that it was, it was as it should be. I considered the burning lake of fire, the absolute love of God for all his creations. If the Lord so loved His only begotten Son, then how could he throw his absolute love into a lake of fire? It was not a difficult decision even though I have learned that faith is the sperm of absolution."

"Come with me, John. I am not a prune, you know." Great moisture sprung from Roger's soul. It was a tear-filled stain on a blessed, clean, pure white shirt.

"I have wronged you, dear friend. I believed that you had not a soul, that where your soul should be there was a great black void. Forgive me, dear friend?"

"Of course, John. I forgive you. Now, come with me. See? See over there? We will enter. Within you shall find your spirit's rest, I promise."


Now, take this allegoric little tale and run with your good Reverend Dillinger. Learn that Lucifer, that most beautiful of angels, is not hell-bound but you are unless you come to me - bend to me - kiss me ajew - open your wallettoes - your pursetoes-give to the Reverend so that when the Angel of Death taps you on the shoulder and suggests you two take a little walk, that you can look deep into his eyes, tell him the truth.

DAILY NEWS – FEB 12th, 2011 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – FEB 12th, 2011 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: BEING A CUCUMBER SANDWICH – You know, the kind that keeps coming back on ya? So it is with Arnie ‘Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way’ Schwarzenegger. He set out his road map… Body Builder cum Action Movie Star (sic) cum Politician (sic-er), because public service was the highest position a person could have. So, what the fuck do you do when you aren’t in office anymore? Well, of course, you go back to making those blockbuster well-acted action movies. I can’t wait for more of that erudite dialogue writers create for him, those stirring three-word sentences that seem to tax his acting skills, but hell, who needs words when you have Ahhhnie on the big screen. Ahhh, to remember Eraser, Terminator, Expendables, End of Days, The Long Goodbye… Arnie, honey, you big dope, pay attention to the fucking titles of your movies; I think someone is trying to send you a message *wink wink*.

DATELINE: OLD MADAM MacDONALD’s FARM AND HOUSE OF TEA LEAVES – There was an octopus who predicted soccer, rodents who predict weather, so what the fuck, lets add an opossum to the roster, just because. Heidi the cross-eyed overweight opossum has got a new gig; predicting the Oscar winners. Look out Roger Ebert! Bring on the box office bitchslap of all times, bearing in mind that poor Heidi has no thumbs, and we really have no idea what she will be doing to show her approval. Of course, she will not be allowed on the red carpet; can’t have any of those lovely starlettes tripping on a fucking possum poo, but she will be there in spirit. Not to worry; we are getting ready to cash in next year… Bjorn the Farting Jackass is boning up already so he can predict the upcoming political races, and I have no doubt that Ursula the Pot-Bellied Pig will have Superbowl in the bag.

DATELINE: MAKING A BIG BONG BOOBOO – Miley Cyrus said this week that the bong video was not a good idea… because of her fans and because of what she stands for. Heaven forbid she just says it was a stupid fucking thing to do. Heaven forbid she make an effort to use her ‘star power’ to tell all those stupid fucking sheep fans of hers what a god damned dumb thing is it and how, even though the crap she was doing is legal, it’s also lethal, many times on the first experiment. Noooo… but at least she made the fucking effort, months after the fact, to say something maybe not completely idiotic… now if she could just make the effort to put some guts behind the effort and perhaps make a difference to some kids who are about to kill themselves.

DATELINE: WHERE ART AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING STUPIDITY MEET – Wafaa Bilal is an arts professor. One assumes that with a degree, a person might actually have a fucking brain. I guess that was my first mistake. Last December, as part of a piece of ‘performance art’ this rocket scientist had a titanium plate implanted in his head… to hold the camera that was to be the eyes at the back of his head! Absolutely fucking brilliant, because the view is so much better that way. Now, because his body is rejecting the plates, they had to be removed. Bilal said that he had been in constant pain from the start of his project, but will continue on, this time with the camera strapped to the back of his neck. Hello??? He had surgery to plant the fucking thing in his head! One suspects that concrete screws might have been necessary, but it begs the question ‘why the fuck did he not just strap the camera there in the first place?’. It’s to be hoped this asshole paid for his own surgeries… both of them, because if insurance companies or the government had to fork out for this, someone got royally fucking hosed. It’s to be hoped the next piece of ‘performance art’ he undertakes will involve the implanting of a camera up his ass – I bet people would line up to help with that procedure, although the toe of my fucking shit-kickers would probably do an admirable enough job.

DATELINE: COVETING THY CO-STAR’S BODY – Now, if the co-star was Antonio Banderas, I would be all fucking over that. However, the stars in question in this story are Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman. Aniston was soooo blown away by Kidman’s abs that she actually had to touch them. *rolls eyes* Well, Jen, honey, Nicole might have a fucking 6-pack, but I have the whole fucking beer truck. You want to cop a feel of that too? What is truly amazing is that this crap is actually considered news… with Kidman’s money and resources, Fat Albert could be buff too.

DATELINE: LIKE A GOOD BOYSCOUT, PRACTICING MAYBE GOOD BEHAVIOR – Now THIS is fucking news… there is no news about Charlie Sheen. Seriously… we have a Charlie Sheen free day. I realize that he is in rehab, but that doesn’t seem to stop the tabloids from finding something to tell us about him… the color of his shit, how many times he farted in church, but today… nada! Holy fucking crap. However, never let it said that Bambi doesn’t have a fucking heart; it is good that he is getting help, and it is hoped that he will be able to make some progress and clean up his life.

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 11th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 11th, 2011


DATELINE: LEAVING ON A JET PLANE – Imagine opening up your bank statement and finding out that your kid just bought you a present, on your account… to the tune of $113,000. Thanks to the wonders of the internet and eBay, a seven-year-old boy in London did just that. He probably didn’t stop to consider just where Dad might park his Harrier fighter jet, space being a premium at many of those flats, but it looked just so damned cool. It’s a pretty safe bet that none of his friends’ dads had one. Fortunately the company who sold the jet to the boy were compassionate, and probably laughing their asses off as they cancelled the sale. I can guarantee you, if I found out my kid bought me a Harrier Jet, he would be on the next damn plane to boot camp in order to learn how to fly the sucker, and I would be advertising for a very nice, smoking hawt man in (and out of) uniform to play chauffeur.

DATELINE: TAKING A KNIFE TO A COCK FIGHT – ‘Don’t arm your cock!’ It was a lesson that Jose Luis Ochoa learned the hard way, when his prize fighting rooster entered the ring, fully cocked and loaded. Ochoa, apparently a real fucking rocket scientist, failed to learn. This asshole was stabbed in the leg by his own bird and died two hours later. I have no idea why he died, if he bled out or got some rampaging fucking infection in his leg, but it sure is interesting to speculate on. This piece of shit had been convicted before of illegal animal fighting, but apparently didn’t learn his lesson. No fucking doubt – a first offence in California is a misdemeanor; there’s an incentive for you. He had attached a knife to his cock’s leg for the fights. When the police arrived to bust the assholes, Ochoa and some spectators ran…. Well, Ochoa probably hobbled, but he still managed to run like a fucking chicken. Deputies found five dead roosters, but no arrests were made. I know we are talking about a person (I refuse to call him a human) and he is now dead, and that should result in sympathy. You want sympathy, then get out your fucking dictionary and look somewhere between shit and syphilis, cause you won’t find any in this report. These assholes take animals, wind em up, then toss them into a ring to kill each other, and yes, they fight to the death, or to the point of total incapacitation. They do this for entertainment and for betting purposes. These people are total fucking wastes of plasma. Dead is a good place for them.

DATELINE: SHAKING MY FUCKING HEAD – Lindsay Lohan, actor/ singer/ felon/ drunk/ spoiled brat/ criminal attended court this week, answering to charges of theft of a necklace. She has more money than fucking brains… hell, the knife-wielding fucking fighting chicken has more brains than Lindsay Lohan, but I digress… so why the hell does she have to steal anything other than to get more attention, because why stop at just being a tramp, when media whore is so much more fun. She argues that she was allowed to borrow the necklace and it was a misunderstanding. Again, I go back to the fact that she has more than enough money to buy one, so why the fuck would she ‘borrow’ a $2500 necklace? Regardless, she is BACK in court, she is on probation, she is charged also with breaking her probation – she is a fucking criminal. So how does the public react to this overindulged piece of shit? They run out and buy replicas of the dress she wore to court. What the fuck is the matter with you people? Do you have a collective fucking IQ somewhere below that of a fungus gnat? Perhaps we should don some Charles Manson caaa-razy hairpieces, or bow down before boxes of Ted Bundy Bundt Cake? How fucking sick can you all get? She is a CRIMINAL; perhaps we need to start treating her like one.

DATELINE: AWAITING JUSTICE, LONG OVERDUE – Tammy Marquardt is free today, after 14 years of incarceration. Her name is added to the unbelievably, unacceptably long list of people convicted on the evidence of pathologist Charles Smith. On the evidence of Smith, Marquardt was found guilty of killing her two-year-old epileptic son. As a result of this decision, she lost custody of her two other children. All of the cases that Smith worked on involved very young children. An inquiry revealed that in twenty instances, the doctor’s work was ‘flawed’. Thirteen of those cases, where he presented very damning and apparently unsubstantiated evidence, resulted in criminal convictions and incarceration. In a show of insulting fucking generosity, each of these wrongly convicted individuals will get paid a maximum of $250,000. Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo! It should be noted that this bastard did his work between the years of 1991 and 2001, so at the very least his victims served a minimum of 10 years before being exonerated. So, you might ask, what the fuck happened to this low-life piece of shit doctor? What jail is he rotting in? How much of his padded doctor’s accounts have gone to help these people he so very wrongly fucked over for no logical acceptable believable reason? Well, it will be a great relief to know that he cannot practice medicine in the province of Ontario again. That’s it. No fucking charges of giving false evidence or obstruction of justice or perjury or anything else. Nothing. He had destroyed lives, countless lives, vilifying many parents with an accusation worse than death himself. No, sorry, revoking hospital privileges does not even come fucking close to what has to happen to this bastard.

DAILY BLOG – Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

DAILY BLOG – Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

DATELINE: TOKING WITH GOD – That’s what one Toronto church wants you to believe as they argue in Canada’s court system that smoking marijuana is part of their religious rites, and the charged they face for dealing should be tossed. The church, you ask? Why, it’s the Church of the Universe and Nudist Colony, that runs out of the founder’s basement. How can you miss when the church has declared marijuana as the Tree of Life and is used as a sacrament in ‘their lives and worship’. Seriously, the Reverend Brothers Peter Styrsky and Shahrooz Kharaghani (Walter Tucker and Michael Baldasaro on the court documents) have argued this in Canadian Courts for five years now, ever since they accidentally sold the reverend weed to a couple of undercover narcs who were attending church in the basement. We are not sure if the narcs had their clothes on or off, but that might bear some investigation. The website for the church states ‘church members are encouraged to surround themselves with the holy Tree of Life, not just inhaling it, but wearing it, growing it, writing on it, eating it, etc’ – which according to the Courts might just be ‘one toke over the line’. Talk about blowing some holy smoke up yer ass, but now we sort of know where the nudist part comes in… other than the lovely BC Bud Nub Cover that replaces the fig leaf. I have to say, this Church might actually have the ability to bring a tear to the eye of our own beloved, revered Rever-End Dillinger.

DATELINE: SELLING EARPLUGS AND RAKING IN THE DOUGH – that is what I plan to be doing the next time I hear that Christina Aguilera will be singing the US National Anthem. If you missed it (consider yourself to be one of the blessed) then imagine a cat in heat getting hit by my Mac truck, and you might come close. Can someone explain to me what the fuck is wrong with the song the way it is written? Why do we have to put in ten minutes of caterwauling and screaming, forced crescendos and other shit where they never needed to be before. For the love of all that is fucking holy, the song is about the damned words... something Christina might want to take into consideration... so that when she does that proud, smug wave at the end it says to the world something other than ‘oh look at me, I am too fucking stupid to even realize I fucked up in front of 284 billion viewers, but I looked hawt doing it’. Sorry to break it to you, but no, it wasn’t hawt at all. It was fucking disturbed, and if you can’t be bothered to learn the damned words properly and if you are concentrating so fucking hard on the prolonged screaming shit, perhaps you should stick to The Mickey Mouse Club and Pokemon movies. Sing the fucking song like it was meant to be sung, and pay attention to what the hell it means instead of how you can add your ‘personal flavor’ to it. Apparently the flavor of the day for Superbowl was fucking awful!

DATELINE: IN MALAWI, CUTTING ROSES – There is much political debate about this issue... to fart or not to fart, that is the question. A new bill to be introduced next week reads “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way shall be guilty of a misdemeanour.” So, the debate is, ‘does that apply to farts’. The new bill would criminalise flatulence in order to ‘promote public decency’, because, as one lawyer says, ‘Would you be happy to see people farting anyhow?” For starters, Mr. Snotty-Cork-up-Yer-Ass-Lawyer, you don’t see farts... you smell them, although some people do like to add that cheek lift, just in case, you know. They want to ban public farting in Malawi?? What about BO? Or bad breath? Or cabbage!!! The fact that this is being debated by adults is un-fucking-believable! How do they intend to prove who issued the fart? How will they know who to arrest? Will they have police going around sniffing people’s asses, or will they rely on the old ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’ principle? There is finally the potential of a law even more stupid than the one prohibiting Bostonians from putting tomatoes in their damned clam chowder. No farts in Malawi? Guess that is one more place off my list of ‘must see’ destinations.

DATELINE: TAKING A WIKILEAK INTO THE WIND – It’s never a good idea, and is something that Julian Assange maybe should have considered before he released his hundreds of sensitive diplomatic documents. He is afraid now that he will face execution if he is tried in the US. Well, he probably will, and perhaps that is the ultimate in reaping what you sow. I don’t know if the guy is a rapist or not; if he is, he will probably be able to skirt around the issue because of his high profile and self-appointed role as avenger of all things behind-doors. If he did it, the whole issue of what he did as far as information leaks will take precedence over what he did to brutalize and rob those two women of everything they hold dear, and for that, yeah... he should hang. If he didn’t commit rape, then the people who cooked up this ruse should be hanged, because they have once again discredited the claims of every legitimate rape victim in the world, and minimalized the seriousness of the issue by using it as a convenience, and to hell with the consequences. If Assange does end up on US soil, I hope he considers very seriously the scope of what he has done; he has essentially robbed, violated private documents, something that we are not allowed to and should never be allowed to do, regardless of the reason. There are means in place to get privileged information. Some of that information is not good, not nice and not complimentary, but under the guise of enlightening the masses, Assange has tried to justify his acts. Is there really a value to us knowing what names one diplomat calls the other behind his back? Seriously, there is so much fucking bullshit within those documents that anything of substance is lost. What the hell was the service to the public this offered? If he had gone through normal, legal channels to find the information for a reason and then exposed some major wrong-doing, then perhaps he might have a case. The way he did it, the coward’s way, the lazy way, the vindictive way, did nothing but put military lives at risk by revealing military intelligence... and absolutely nothing more. He was tilting at windmills with a fucking water pistol (water pistol... leak... get it??? Geesh) and now he should have his day in court in the US to do some pissing with the big dogs. Be a fucking man, Assange; live by your convictions or shut the fuck up, but don’t play poker if you’re not prepared to ante up.

DATELINE: SINGING AND DANCIND DOWN A GOLD-PAVED ROAD TO HELL – That would be JP Morgan Chase, the wonderful banking institution that, in 2008, received a $25B bailout from the people of the United States of America. That would be JP Morgan Chase, the wonderful banking institution that says they have recorded one of their strongest years, so much so they can afford raises in pay and bonuses, the average investment/sales staff member.. AVERAGE one... making $379,000 a year... for being able to count fucking money? This is also the same JP Morgan Chase who had overcharged servicing military for their banking services and who now, it seems, has decided to no longer defer student loan payments from active duty military. These people are overseas, fighting, prepared to give their lives and making chickenshit pay in the process, and the bank has the fucking audacity to say ‘gee, sorry, but pay up on your student loan – today’. They foreclose on homes, they call in loans and now they are fucking once again with soldiers who are not even in the damned country to argue the point, and it was done without notice. Of course, the useless, feckless piece of shit banking bureaucrats changed their mind when the media caught wind of it, but why does it take that? How many more people are going to get fucked over while these assholes sit there and pick at the bones of the working class? They have now decided that they will allow those who request the continuance to receive it, but no new applications for deferment while on active duty will be considered. All of this would be much easier to swallow if it wasn’t so clear the decisions are being made by nothing more than free enterprise terrorists sit in those incredibly posh overpaid ivory towers, working out more ways to pillage and rob and keep the rest of us living in terror of what they might do next to strip us of all that we have

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 7th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 7th, 2011

DATELINE: GETTING OFF THE SUPERBOWL, AND FLUSHING IT – It’s a pretty damned sad situation when even I have to acknowledge that the best part of the Superbowl game was the damned game. What the fuck happened to the commercials? Where were the Budweiser horses? Where were the woodchucks and the bayou frogs and all the great shit? The commercials sucked! It was a damned good thing Green Bay managed some awesome plays, things like interceptions and fumble recoveries they made count. Now if they would just get rid of those gross disgusting uber-unsexy yellow fucking pants!

DATELINE: CROSSING THE CHASM BETWEEN SORROW AND RAGE – Every Canadian should be doing this right now, as well as mourning the death of Nodar Kumaritashvili anew. On February 12th, 2010, while doing a practice run for his upcoming Olympic event, the Georgian luger died when his sled went out of control. The organizers of the Vancouver Olympics stated categorically they had no reason ever to be concerned about the track, and this was just a tragic event that can happen in sports. However, documents obtained through Access of Information applications shows a totally different story. A year before the opening of the Olympic games, and before Kumaritashvili’s death, the International Luge Federation committed to paper their concerns about the track. VANOC officials then committed their internal acknowledgements to paper. “There is nothing to do on our side but it does put in writing concerns about the speeds of the track if there was ever an accident,” wrote Tim Gayda, managing director of sport for VANOC. John Furlong, CEO of VANOC, takes it one step further. “(E)mbedded in this note (cryptic as it may be) is a warning that the track is in their view too fast and someone could get badly hurt. An athlete gets badly injured or worse and I think the case could be made we were warned and did nothing.” The case COULD be made? What the fuck is the matter with you people! The warnings from the International Luge Federation go back much further – to March 2005 in fact – stating that there were some major problems with the design of the track and specifically pointing out the need for specific changes to six of the curves on the track, including the curves that resulted in Kumaritashvili’s death. VANOC of course argues that the International Bobsleigh and Tobogganing Federation argued there was no need to changes, and indications so far are that changes were made to only two of the curves, but not all six and not the ones where Kumaritashvili died. It is to be hoped that someone learns a fucking lesson from this... for the purposes of the lugers, this track was not safe, their international organization knew it, VANOC knew it, Furlong knew it. It is to be hoped that at least some Criminal Negligence Causing Death charges are forthcoming, and that the Georgia team and Nodar Kumaritashvili’s family is properly informed of the culpability of the fucking VANOC organization. If ever there was a day to be ashamed, this was it. Nodar Kumaritashvili was 21.

DATELINE: IN THE FRAT HOUSE, BEHAVING BADLY -- When the hell did it become okay for us to settle our differences by pulling out a gun? Seriously, have we become so fucking self-centered that when we behave like asses and are asked to leave a party or an event, that gives us the right to come back and shoot people? I thought we were a fucking civilized society, but once again I have been proven wrong. This weekend, two men were angry about something that happened at a frat house party in Youngstown, Ohio, so they left, returned a little while later, and opened up on the people in the house, shooting 11, killing 1. The boy who was killed, Jamail E Johnson, had stepped into the fray to try and separate the warring factions. So much for gallantry, I guess. He was shot once in the head and ‘multiple times’ in the hips and legs’. Johnson was involved in a fraternity program that emphasized manhood and scholarship. The two little puissant asshole brats who shot him apparently were lacking in the manhood department. There is still a 17-year-old in critical condition who was shot in the head, and two others are still in hospital suffering from wounds to the abdomen.

DATELINE: MOURNING CHIVALRY – Jordan Morrison is dead. The 19-year-old boy from Ontario was beaten to death while in the Dominican Republic. Why? Because while he was at a disco with a female friend, he took objection to another man spitting on her. I have no idea why the man spit on Morrison’s companion, but it really doesn’t matter a tinker’s damn. There is no reason for a man to spit on a woman, but one can assume that the man was a bit of an arrogant ignorant prick, so that might explain a lot. Morrison pushed the man away from his girl, injected himself between them, some shouting followed and then things settled down as things tend to do. However, in this age of absolute entitlement and encouragement of assholedness, when the club closed, Morrison was confronted outside, pushed to the ground and beaten... to death. What the fuck was his crime? He asked a man to grow up and act like a fucking man? He wasn’t going to allow his woman to be treated like crap and stood up to assholes. Included in the mob that killed him were two Canadians who, again, have not been named for the media, but they are 21 and 27 years old and will be facing prosecution in the Dominican Republic. It is hoped that the two sons of bitches never see the light of day again.

DATELINE: ON MY KNEES, THANKING GOD HE IS NO LONGER IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY AND THAT GEORGE BUSH NEVER DIED IN OFFICE – Could you imagine it? Dick Cheney really calling the shots for the most powerful country in the world? Take a minute to think about that, and remember it when it comes time to vote again – the running mate can matter, and should be a consideration. This weekend, Cheney proved again that his judgment is up his ass, very very far up his ass, when he said, while speaking of Hosni Mubarak ‘He’s been a good man, a good friend and ally to the United States.’ Well, yes, he might have been a good friend... out of necessity... but seriously? A good man? At some point we have to recognize that in the political game, in order to survive, it is sometimes necessary to make deals with the devil. Who trained and armed Osama Bin Laden? Who helped Saddam Hussein (or, in this household as he is so lovingly named, SoDamn Insane) rise to power so he could help political interests in the developing world? The list is long... very long... of devils that are involved in deals. That shit happens; sometimes it has to, but please, is it fucking necessary to then turn around and call him a ‘good man’? He was a fucking despot ruler, kept his people poor and starving. Why the hell else do you think they are revolting and demanding he was gone? You think they are doing that because he was a ‘good friend’ and a ‘good man’? Give me a fucking break. Cheney, you are out of office so please keep your stupid fucking comments to yourself. I just got over the years of nightmares knowing you could have, but for the grace of God, been at the helm; don’t make the nightmares start again.

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 5th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 5th, 2011
ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! – Yes, it’s true! I can’t believe it! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Miley Cyrus has her fifth tattoo! If this isn’t the most exciting fucking news of the millennium, I don’t know what the hell is! I thought it was huge when I had those lobsters tattooed on my tits, and then that fucking ‘Kiss Me, I’m Eye-Rich’ on the left cheek of my ass, but hell, that’s nothing compared to this news! Along with the lame-ass tats on her fingers (a heart and a small cross), ‘love’ on her ear – what the fuck is that about! – ‘and ‘just breathe’ on her ribs, she now has a dream-catcher under her armpit. Apparently it has four feathers, one for each of her siblings, to protect them. I have no idea from what, but I suspect they are hoping like hell she wears good damned deodorant! A friend says that the tats all have ‘deep meaning’ to Cyrus… mine do too, especially the Kiss me on my ass. Not that it matters, because they will be down around her ass in a couple years anyways, unless she does a Joan Rivers and has them stabled to her fucking forehead. My tit lobsters now look like they are itching to pinch my fucking toes! Tats and gravity – another of God’s ways to keep us humble. My only question today is ‘why the fuck should I give a god damned rats ass about Miley’s ink?’ because, you know, the world really doesn’t need to stop spinning for this shit.

DATELINE: IN THE OLD FOLKS HOME, OVER THE HILL IN DALLAS – On the long list of television programs that are better off gone, Dallas and the other ‘prime-time soaps’, so rather than leave them where they belong – locked safely out of sight – the fucking brain surgeons that run television programming have decided to revive it. Hopefully they have lots of staff on hand to do some reviving as they bring Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Linda Grey back to resume their roles in the show. I suspect instead of the fancy cars racing out to Southfork, we will be watching JR, Bobby and Sue Ellen fighting to see who gets the last bottle of Geritol, and JR scheming to hide Bobby’s walker. There are some things that are better off gone… the AMC Gremlin was one of em, disco halls were another, and Dallas the soap-opera rounds out the top three.

DATELINE: HEADING TO THE BIG HOUSE – Of course, for the likes of Lindsay Lohan, I suspect it will be more like a short stay with fucking Club Med than real jail, and of course it will come with much more drama… the poor dear. How fucking unreasonable can we be? This little spoiled brat with more money than the damned Catholic Church and the same elitist sense of entitlement is simply misunderstood and should not be held responsible for her actions. Could she help it that she felt the need to drive while she was pissed out of her mind… of course that was worth probation for her (whoop-de-fucking-doo), and then she had no choice but to steal that necklace… seriously… her name had not been in the papers for at least a couple hours so she had to resort to extreme measures to get people to pay attention to her again. Here is my suggestion for Miss Lohan. Take the diamond necklace, shove it up her ass, toss her in with Betina and Ingrid the bearded biker, give them a metal detector and let them go prospecting for riches… again and again and again. Let Miss Lohan know what real trouble is, what real problems are so she doesn’t have to bore the fucking crap out of us with this bullshit. Maybe then she will get a fucking life, because right now she is nothing more than a pathetic waste of plasma.

DATELINE: WALKING THROUGH THE BOOK OF EXCUSES – Of course, we’re talking Charlie Sheen. Who the hell is NOT talking about Charlie Sheen! His problems are bigger than fucking Mubarak’s right now… at least that’s what some would have us think! Apparently now it is being speculated that his problems are because of the praise his character gets on Two and a Half Men. On the show he is a playboy, a party dog, a womanizing, substance-abusing hero who gets laughs up the ass… now how the hell can a person possible separate that fictional role with real life? I know exactly what he is dealing with. In my dreams I pretend that I am a 5’10” 110 pound fucking goddess, and god knows how many guys’ hopes, nuts and laps I have crushed when I forget that I might not really be that same person. Maybe Charlie honey needs some Bambi time to help him understand fucking reality. It could be fun – for me!

DATELINE: STUFFING MY FACE, SCREAMING MY ASS OFF AND DOWNING BEER – That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? It’s Superbowl weekend, a perfect February excuse to get shitfaced and have a tailgate party in the living room. I have a hard time watching that shit… hours of boring crap just to see what the damned Budwieser horses will be doing…. Oh, and those two fucking swamp frogs. Damned if I can remember what they sold, but my money is on it being beer, because what the hell else is there? This year, the game will be even more boring, because both teams are wearing fucking yellow pants. Who the hell was the sick bastard that came up with THAT idea? Seriously? Yellow pants? You cannot get excited about huddles when they look like fucking artistic renditions of god damned daisies. There is NOTHING sexy about yellow pants. Who the hell do you cheer for when they both wear fucking yellow pants? It ruined the game, so I guess that means I will just sit back, shut up and drink my damned beer.

DATELINE: LOOSE-LIPS ISLAND – I bet this is where the producers of Survivor want to send that vile little asshole Russell Hantz, the wanna be ‘ultimate survivor’. Sorry, Russ baby, each of us is only entitled to one ‘Ultimate’ title. Antonio Banderas has the Ultimate Hottie title, Jon Stewart has the Ultimate Smart Hottie Comedian title sewn up (byte me, Stephen Colbert), and your ultimate title is ‘Ultimate asshole’. Sorry. That’s just the way it goes. We knew it when we watched your several attempts on the damned show, and now that it has come to light that you blabbed the results prior to the rest of the world knowing for your shows, it is to be hoped that the producers of the show take whatever action is necessary to plant you permanently on ‘Poor House Island’ where you can no longer annoy the crap out of the rest of us.

DATELINE: ON THE RED CARPET AT THE SAG AWARDS – These are not your ordinary SAG awards though… these are for those Hollywood lovelies who have so god damned much money they can think of nothing else to do with it than to make themselves look like living, breathing muppets with their yarn hair sewn on too tight. It’s hard to drum up sympathy for any of them. Oh look! Here comes Joan Rivers with that perpetually surprised look that prevents her from blinking her eyes. And there come some lips we all can recognize as they come into the room a good minute before the rest of Lisa Rinna, rivaled only by Pamela Anderson’s boobs. Honey, those things are going to be demoted from knockers to knee-knockers as you are, unless you invest heavily now in duct tape. It’s hard to know if that is Donatella Versace walking down the carpet, or Janice the 60’s flower child muppet singer with Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. What the hell is the matter with you people? You got money to burn? Send it to feed some children or get medicine to those dying in Africa or build a fuckin school in Haiti, and in the process grow old gracefully, not like a bunch of fucking fools that will look like shit once the staples start to stretch.