DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 2, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2, 2010

DATELINE: NORTH AMERICA – Happy God Damned Rodent Day! Sam, Phil and Willie, that awesome trio of the trenches, all saw their shadows this morning. We all know what that means – shoot the fucking things and find some that are blind.

DATELINE: ROME – Yes, the Pope is at it again. This time he has waded into the British Parliamentary debate regarding their new Equality Bill. You would think the pontiff would support legislation that protects the democratic rights of the individual, but Hell No, Not This One! This one MAY force the Catholic Church to accept homosexuals among its ranks. Duh! Like the fucking ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy they have adhered to for so fucking long is working. Yoo Hoo!!! Mr. Fancy Pajama Man!! Check what’s in your own closets before you start doing your ‘global moral compass’ routine.

DATELINE: NEWFOUNDLAND/LABRADOR – In a magnificent gesture of support for health care in Canada, and also as a slap in the face to absolutely every fucking person up here waiting for a critical medical procedure or test, Newfoundland/Labrador Premier Danny Williams has gone to the US for heart surgery. While I wish him well, I am also unbelievably pissed that yet again, if you are of the regular working people in this country, you are fucking left with the crap that those elected have legislated for us.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama announced his new budget -- budget? *insert riotous laughter here* -- and the record $1.6 Trillion dollar deficit. Hard to shake your finger at banks for fucking poor management when this is the best you have to offer. All I can say is... you poor people will be paying this one off for fucking generations. I will also say let’s give some of the credit where it is due... so a BIG ohh-rah for the past fucking Commander in Chief. Psssst – why don’t you guys ask Dick Cheney for a fucking loan, because God knows that whole war thing was one hell of a cash cow for him!

DATELINE: PHILADELPHIA – A new study shows that teenagers will listen to the message of abstinence when it is presented logically, by allowing them to make up a list of fucking pros and cons of early sex. An uncluttered, non-religious, message of the hazards and drawbacks of early sex helps them to refrain from jumping in the sack at the age of 13. It has taken us how many years to figure out that just talking to them and giving them the facts might work? Damn, we are a fucked up society.

DATELINE: CHINA -- China, already pissed off about the arms the US is sending to Taiwan, has issued a warning to US President Obama to not meet with the Dalai Lama. To do so, they say, would further destroy relationships between the two trading partners. What the hell is China’s fucking problem with the Dalai Lama? He has never advocated independence for Tibet, but is only wanting his people to be allowed to pray. How the hell does that do anything harmful to China? It makes one wonder if perhaps they are getting their advice from the same fucking people the Pope uses.