DAILYNEWS - FEBRUARY 24th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 24th, 2010






















DATELINE: COLORADO SPRINGS – Pink puppets with boobs – how the hell could that be wrong? Apparently if you are in Colorado Springs, it’s a problem. A poster for a touring production of the Broadway show “Avenue Q”, meant to be put up in bus shelters around the city is too risqué for Colorado Springians, because the puppet shows some cleavage. Are you fucking kidding me?? It’s a poster with a picture of a fucking puppet – how the hell much cleavage could it possibly fucking show, and who cares?? People! It’s a picture of a PUPPET!!! You want to know what is truly offensive? All these guys walking around with the crotch of their jeans down at their knees and their fucking hairy ass cracks hanging out for the world to see – now THAT’s offensive. And yet I bet you still see that all over the place around the fucking bus shelters.

DATELINE: WINNIPEG – School assemblies have taken on a whole new interest after two teachers performed a lap dance for their student body. Yes, right there on the gymnasium floor with teachers and students watching, they gyrated and humped for all to see – enough to make even the hormone-riddled teenage angst-filled students uncomfortable. The truly amazing thing? When asked what disciplinary action was being taken, the official reply was that it would not be discussed because it was a ‘personnel issue’. Hello?? They were getting down and dirty in front of EVERYONE while being paid with tax dollars. I think the parents are more than entitled to some fucking answers.

DATELINE: FLORIDA – How’s the weather down there in sunny Florida, Mr. Premier? Yes, now that Danny Williams, Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador is laying in the sun and making arrogant fucking self-righteous statements about his need for surgery in the US, Canadian cardiologists are speaking out, stating that the surgery he required was available for him right here in Canada. No matter what Mr. Williams says about this situation, there is one fact that is undeniable – he did not want to have surgery here in Canada. He is too fucking good for the same medical treatment that 99% of Canadians have no choice in accepting, often too late. If he had been fucking honest about it, then the situation might be slightly more palatable. By lying about the availability of the surgery though, he is essentially admitting that he knows what he did was fucking wrong and that what we are seeing about it is totally the fucking truth.

DATELINE:INDIA – What could possibly more represent the ideals and beliefs of Gandhi more than a silver and gold fucking pen that sells for $24,000? But, you might argue, there are only 241 of these pens being made, and that number represents the number of miles Gandhi walked in his opposition to the salt taxes. Or, you might further claim, it comes with an 8’ golden thread that you can wrap around it, and this thread represents the spindle and cotton that Gandhi used to weave his simple clothes. True, I have to reply, because there was nothing that exemplifies his lifestyle like a fucking 8’ golden thread… made of real gold. German penmaker Montblanc has halted sales of these pens until a ruling is made regarding the possible legal problems with illegally using a national image or sign. Who the hell comes up with this fucking shit? A silver and gold ‘Gandhi pen’? This one is way more offensive than pink puppets with boobs.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – You KNOW I would not let the day go without a Toyota story. Yes, today is the day that the President of Toyota will be appearing to answer some questions. Pop some fucking corn, nestle in and prepare to watch a gold medal performance of side-stepping, double-talking, tap-dancing and claims of personal shame for the damage done to a family name. Big fuckin whoop! Just do something for all the people who are stuck with what could well be one hell of an expensive fucking doorstop. There are a lot of people out there who are thinking that just maybe they don’t Love What You Do To Them right now, Toyota.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 23rd, 2010

DATELINE: LONDON – Get out your scorecards and get ready for the six finalists for the Diagram Prize, that jerky quirky Brit award for the book with the most interesting title. If you picked “Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter”, “Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich”, “Governing Lethal Behaviour In Autonomous Robots”, “The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease”, “Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes” or “What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua?” then you are still in the running. If you happened to have your money riding on “The Origin of Feces” or “Bacon, A Love Story” then you are, sorry, shit outta luck. The saddest part of this whole fucking story is that none of it is made up! Past winning titles include “Bombproofing Your Horse” and “Living With Crazy Buttocks.”

We can do better than that, people! We need to unite, come up with the perfect Diagram Prize title and a one sentence premise for the book and post ‘em here.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – A new CNN poll shows that 69% of Americans are okay with having gays in the military. 69%? How fucking wonderful, and perfect is that result! Far be it from me to say that they were in there regardless, but I am sure it is one huge fucking relief for them to know they have the blessing of the people. 69%? Yes, Virgin-ia there is a Santa Claus!

DATELINE: FLORIDA – Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Danny Williams has finally broken his silence about getting his surgery in the United States rather than in Canada. His comment, and I am not making this up… “This is my heart, it’s my health and it’s my choice.” As one who has seen the fucking disaster we call health care here, I have NO DOUBT that there are THOUSANDS of Canadians waiting for medical treatment for a leaky heart valve who have been told to wait, who have been waiting for days, weeks, months, and despite the fact that it is THEIR HEALTH and THEIR LIVES, they have no fucking choice in the matter. They are at the mercy of the system that people like arrogant asshole Danny Williams has helped create. The tone of entitlement, the self-righteous self-importance that he flaunts in the face of every other working middle-class person living in this country is absolutely despicable. You should be fucking totally ashamed, Mr. Premier. While I do not wish to see you in harm’s way, perhaps if you had to deal with the same system that the rest of us had to, you might be more motivated to fix the fucking thing. And while I find it totally incredible that you expect us to believe there was NO place in Canada to get your surgery, I can hardly expect less… who wouldn’t pick warm and sunny Florida over fucking freezing Ontario in the winter.

DATELINE: VANCOUVER – The Canadian Olympic Committee said today that Canada would not be meeting its goal to take home the number 1 ranking in this Olympic Games. I will not fucking belabour my personal opinion about their fucking Own the Podium crapolla, however, I will offer the following quote made by Mr. Rudge during his press statement regarding this shortcoming. “We’d be living in a fool’s paradise if we said we were going to catch the Americans and win. We’re not throwing in the towel. You never do that when you are in the middle of a fight, but it’s difficult. They are way out ahead at this point and it would be unrealistic to state that we are going to catch them.” Well, Mr. Rudge, you would certainly take the Gold Medal in the fucking contradictory statement category.

While I totally believe that the athletes have done us more than proud, I can’t help wondering if those in charge of the Own the Podium program and its associated budget of $117M haven’t been taking management lessons from Toyota.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – DC’s very own ‘Rusty the Tin Man’, former VP Dick Cheney, was taken to hospital yesterday, complaining of chest pains. While there is speculation that it is his heart, we know he doesn’t have one, so one can’t help but wonder if it isn’t more that he kept his wallet in his fucking shirt pocket for a day. It is expected that “Socrates, the Scarecrow” former President George Bush will be complaining of headaches next.

DATELINE: KAMLOOPS – Allan Schoenborn today was found ‘not criminally responsible’ for the murders of his three children, all under 10 years of age while he was supposed to be caring for them. This fucking monster admitted to his crimes. He ran away and hid in the bush for 10 days. He fucking well did know what he was doing and was as sane as any other man would be who takes a cleaver to his own child. Yes, the man is fucking nuts, and YES he should still be held responsible for his actions. It’s about time our fucking legal system held people to account. Its time people started owning their fucking actions. It’s time for this sick bastard to be locked away forever.

DAILY NEWS - FEBRUARY 2, 2010

DAILY NEWS – FEBRUARY 2, 2010

DATELINE: NORTH AMERICA – Happy God Damned Rodent Day! Sam, Phil and Willie, that awesome trio of the trenches, all saw their shadows this morning. We all know what that means – shoot the fucking things and find some that are blind.

DATELINE: ROME – Yes, the Pope is at it again. This time he has waded into the British Parliamentary debate regarding their new Equality Bill. You would think the pontiff would support legislation that protects the democratic rights of the individual, but Hell No, Not This One! This one MAY force the Catholic Church to accept homosexuals among its ranks. Duh! Like the fucking ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy they have adhered to for so fucking long is working. Yoo Hoo!!! Mr. Fancy Pajama Man!! Check what’s in your own closets before you start doing your ‘global moral compass’ routine.

DATELINE: NEWFOUNDLAND/LABRADOR – In a magnificent gesture of support for health care in Canada, and also as a slap in the face to absolutely every fucking person up here waiting for a critical medical procedure or test, Newfoundland/Labrador Premier Danny Williams has gone to the US for heart surgery. While I wish him well, I am also unbelievably pissed that yet again, if you are of the regular working people in this country, you are fucking left with the crap that those elected have legislated for us.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON – President Obama announced his new budget -- budget? *insert riotous laughter here* -- and the record $1.6 Trillion dollar deficit. Hard to shake your finger at banks for fucking poor management when this is the best you have to offer. All I can say is... you poor people will be paying this one off for fucking generations. I will also say let’s give some of the credit where it is due... so a BIG ohh-rah for the past fucking Commander in Chief. Psssst – why don’t you guys ask Dick Cheney for a fucking loan, because God knows that whole war thing was one hell of a cash cow for him!

DATELINE: PHILADELPHIA – A new study shows that teenagers will listen to the message of abstinence when it is presented logically, by allowing them to make up a list of fucking pros and cons of early sex. An uncluttered, non-religious, message of the hazards and drawbacks of early sex helps them to refrain from jumping in the sack at the age of 13. It has taken us how many years to figure out that just talking to them and giving them the facts might work? Damn, we are a fucked up society.

DATELINE: CHINA -- China, already pissed off about the arms the US is sending to Taiwan, has issued a warning to US President Obama to not meet with the Dalai Lama. To do so, they say, would further destroy relationships between the two trading partners. What the hell is China’s fucking problem with the Dalai Lama? He has never advocated independence for Tibet, but is only wanting his people to be allowed to pray. How the hell does that do anything harmful to China? It makes one wonder if perhaps they are getting their advice from the same fucking people the Pope uses.