DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: STRIPPING AND STRUTTING FOR KENNEDY -- There are some things I will never fucking understand... like in April when Erykah Badu, the grammy-winning soul singer, stripped, dropped and rolled in the middle of Dealey Plaza. She did it to re-enact the moment of the assassination of John F Kenney for the end of a music video. She did it in an area open to the public, with families and children watching as they passed by. Now, I get artistic fucking licence, but what the fuck is she on? Stripping, singing, dancing, dropping to the ground... what she did was described as a ‘walking striptease’; I don’t seem to recall any of that shit happening in Dallas’ Dealey Plaze in 1963. I guess, though, nothing says Kennedy like a fucking strip act on what some might consider hallowed ground. She has now been found guilty of disorderly conduct, was fined $500 and was sentenced to six month’s probation. Now, true artistry would be Bambi doing that. It would be something none of those kids would ever fucking forget.

DATELINE: TWITS FOR TWATS – You will need to fucking sit down for this one, because if this isn’t the greatest fucking news ev-er, I don’t know what the hell is. Lady Gaga is about to pass Brittney Spears! Yes, she will soon have more twitter followers than anyone else in the whole fucking planet!!! Squeeeee!! People... get a fucking life! There is shit happening out there that needs to be dealt with and airhead tweets from airhead twits really moves us no closer to world peace, an end to starvation or abso-fucking-lutely closer to anything of any god damned value or consequence.

DATELINE: SKYROCKETING TO REALITY SHOW FAME – Well, okay, Reality Show Fame is a reach, I know, but you get what the hell I mean. Steven Slater, the slide jumping, beer snatching increased-cabin-pressure Sky Blue flight attendant who popped an artery last week has reported landed a fucking reality TV show gig. He will be helping people quit their jobs. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do for him. We want to watch all these people tell off their bosses, thumb their noses and slide down a fucking emergency chute. I have to wonder who the fuck is going to help all these people who Slater helps quit get a new fucking job, or will they all end up filling the flatscreen? What the fuck happened to us as a society that we will make no-talent dumbass fucking television programs out of anything? I realize it saves the networks on having to pay real people to do real fucking things with some modicum of real talent, but seriously, what the hell is wrong with the rest of us that tune this crap in?

DATELINE: DANCING ON DANNY WEBSTER’S GRAVE AND WATCHING HIM ROLL – It is a great fucking day when new words are added to the dictionary! We should all celebrate new words... erudite additions to the daily lexicon of society, and shit like that. So, without any ado, I give you some of the 2000 new words added to the Oxford Dictionary (yes, I know its Oxford and not fucking Webster, but Webster worked better for the dateline, so get over it, alright). *Insert Drum Roll Here* I give you... Vuvuzela, thanks to a fucking soccer tournament; Overleveraged, courtesy of the wonderful people of Wall Street; bargainous, which I am sure has to fucking appear in at least one George W Bush speech; Defriend, that sweet term created by Facebook for us to annihilate those who piss us off (I fucking LOVE this key and wish we could have one in real life too); Tweetup, which thanks to Twitter no longer means giving it to an annoying fucking yellow bird; Bromance, for those really really really close but still manly men; Buzzkill, Cheeseball, Chillax, Frenemy, and to explain those celebrity moments of incredibly bad judgment, we now have Wardrobe malfunction. Now I know we can all fucking rest easier because these are ‘real’ words.

DATELINE: BITCH-SLAPPING BITCHES – Dr. Laura Schlessinger quit her show. Thank God! It was about fucking time because while there were tidbits of vague common sense in what she said, for the most part it was a load of crap, and her tirade last week is just more proof of that fucking pudding. Watching her on interviews, I have to say that while she was incredibly unbelievably superior and condescending to the woman who called in to her show, she has been that way with absolutely every fucking person who has interviewed her for the media. If the bitch goes on once more about being interrupted when she is talking bullshit drivel, I am gonna reach through the screen and slap her. Seriously, how the hell fucking important does this bitch think she is. So... to my fucking delight... enter Sarah Palin, with the advise to Dr. Laura to ‘Don’t Retreat – Reload!’ Yes, lets pick the momsy cutesly little sound bite because why not defend TWO amendment rights in three words... of course, when it comes to the one about freedom of religion, well.... pfffft. Who gives a rat’s fucking ass about that one! The fact that Schlessinger bitch-slapped Palin two years ago when she was announced as the McCain’s running mate only adds to the irony of the whole damned thing. Sarah, hon, go pour yourself a cup of tea... Dr. Laura has done more than enough damage to her reputation. She probably doesn’t need you to add to her troubles.

DATELINE: OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND, BUT WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW? -- Mel Gibson argued in court that he cannot get by without his $7.2million ‘slush fund’ that he created to support his lifestyle. This is part of his argument regarding how much money the mother of his latest baby might be entitled to in her divorce from this colossal prick. $7.2M in a fucking slush fund? Perhaps if he gave it to Oksana, it would save him years of run-ins with the law. LMFAO! Yeah, right, like that would be a reality check for Gibson. It was reported he spends an average $600,000 a month on his ‘necessities’ and is wanting to limit the amount he pays to his ex-lover and 8-month-old baby to $6000/month. Well, hell, why go fucking crazy? We know that he will do absolutely anything to keep Grigorieva, that money-grubbing user, from ‘just fucking sucking him dry (sic)’. Seems he wasn’t complaining much about her doing that before they broke up. Come on, Mel baby, is it really so much to ask to give her at least enough money to be able to afford body guards to keep you away? She will undoubtedly need them.

DAILY NEWS - AUGUST 13th, 2010

DAILY NEWS - FRIDAY AUGUST 13th, 2010

DATELINE: IN TIME OUT – That would be where you should find Dr. Laura Schlessinger right now. Yes, that paragon of fucking virtue, that woman who has the answer for everyone’s problems, that judgmental bitch who extolls her values and belief, and demands her listeners to accept them as gospel, opened her mouth this week and removed all doubt as to her narrow-minded blather. While reprimanding her caller for being in a mixed-race marriage without having the right sense of humor to handle what should have been expected racist comments, she spewed the n-word not once, not twice, but repeatedly... many times... over and over and over, providing the justification that since it is used by some comedians and on some HBO shows, then she too should be allowed to say it. You gotta totally love that fucking logic. The simple fact of the matter is that no one should have to ‘expect’ those sorts of comments from anyone. Under any circumstance, it is not acceptable, and just use the excuse that other people do it holds no water. She did apologize... in a tone that only reinforces the feeling that it was offered simply to appease the media. However, if you are in the business of flogging your name as a place of refuge, a source of inspiration and hope for those who are experiencing trouble, it might be a good idea to leave your fucking prejudices, hatreds and issues at your own damned house.

DATELINE: FROM THE BELLY OF A BEAST, AT LEAST IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE REPUBLICANS THESE DAYS – Giving new meaning to hate-mongering and fear-mongering, Texas Republican Representatives Debbie Riddle and Louis Gohmert have floated the notion that babies are being born in the US with their soul purpose being to attack the USA. Yes, I have no problem believing that there are women who go to the US on holidays so they can give birth there. For many of them, the health care is probably better there than it might be in some fucking rice paddy, or some dusty bombed-out hole in a mountain. But the premise for these two brainiacs is that the moms come to America to guarantee their babies have US citizenship under the premise of the 14th Amendment, then leave to raise their children to be terrorists, teaching them to hate the US, so they can then grow up despising their second homeland, slip in and destroy the country from within. Gohmert, babbling and screaming like a fucking second string actor in a stage production of One Flew Over The Cockoo’s Nest, waivers between knowing a grandmother of a terror baby and getting the information from a retired FBI agent, although the FBI has denied the existance of such a plot. Whether or not the plot is credible is not the fucking issue, though. The issue is that the terrorists soon will not have to worry about doing anything to anyone, because they have won... they will soon have everyone on the fucking continent hiding from airplanes, taxicabs, suitcases, baby bottles, burqas and now pregnant women. Quick! Lock yourself in your basement! It is the only way to preserve the freedom you were guaranteed, you embrace, you demand.

DATELINE: THOSE HALLOWED HYPOCRITICAL HALLS OF VATICAN CITY – In November of 2009, a report was issued regarding the extent of the sexual abuse covered up, condoned, even perhaps promoted within the Catholic Church in Ireland. It cited over 300 cases of abuse in a period of less than thirty years, those cases involved 46 priests. The treatment of the victims was horrendous, especially in light of the fact that the report discovered that ALL the bishops in the country were aware of the abuse and participated in, at the very least, going along with the status quo of doing nothing to protect the children. Let me say this again... they chose to do nothing to protect the children, the most vulnerable, the most innocent and pure in society, who clearly needed protection from those who took a vow to spread the word of God and live a chaste life... a decision they made of their own free will, unlike the children they tortured. Five bishops were named in the report. Two resignations were accepted, two more bishops offered their resignations on Christmas Eve. This week, eight fucking months after the fact, Pope Benedict, that infallable vicar of god, has refused to accept the resignations. No reason has been offered, but while he sit there and spews bullshit about taking a hard line on the issue of child abuse and clerics with itchy twitchy dicks, he once again shows his true stripes... he does not give a shit about anything but his holy fucking reputation, the protection of the church and the damnation of the children who were abused, in essence abusing them again. This Pope and every damned cardinal who stands there beside his holy assholed-ness should be ashamed of themselves.

DATELINE: ON A SLOW BOAT FROM SRI LANKA – There are almost 500 people on board, women and children included, and they have been on that rusted fucking bucket of filth for ninety days. They are people looking to have a real life, or at least the most meagre possibility of a life, something not possible in their own country. It has been reported that most of them are suffering from illness from the trip, and from TB, and they are arriving on Canadian shores tonight, amidst the screaming and shouting of people, presumably educated, compassionate, humane people, who want to see them turned away. In 1939, the Canadian people made the same outcry, forcing the government to refuse to allow the SS St Louis to dock on Canadian soil. That ship had 900 people aboard, 900 people who had breathed a sigh of relief when their ship left Hamburg, 900 people who were turned away from every country they tried to touch because... the passengers were Jewish, and were escaping from the nazi regime. We Canadians had so much to be fucking proud of back then, our upstanding moral convictions that these people would destroy our country, would upset the delicate balance of the nation, so we, like everyone else, turned them away. We had no idea of, nor apparently did we give a rat’s ass about, the life they were leaving, the reasons that would make them flee their homeland, their friends, their families with nothing but the clothes on their backs. We turned them away because they were Jewish, and we sent them back to Europe, and for many of them, we sent them to death. We have much to be ashamed of for that, and yet here we are again, doing the same thing to women and children, wishing them to be blown out of the water. We have no idea what they were told, but for some of them at least we can expect they are victims of many indignities, many crimes. Yes, there could be tamil tigers there, known terrorists, but there are people on that boat. Perhaps the way to get through to the terrorists is to not be afraid of them, of the possibility of them, of just the word ‘terrorist’, but to deal with the possibility they could be on that boat, in your neighbourhood, or damned well anywhere else, and extend the arm of humanity nonetheless, otherwise we stoop to their level of fear-mongering and the breeding of hate.

DATELINE: ON THE ROCKS – A case of scotch whiskey, over 100 years old, has been recovered in New Zealand from the ice of the antarctic. A remnant of Shackleton’s 1907 Nimrod expedition, the eleven bottles of Mackinlay’s dates back to 1896, and appears to be in pristine condition. Unfortunately, none of the eleven bottles will be opened or sampled because of the historical value of the find. Undoubtedly there will be many craving a taste. There are probably not enough oooo’s in smooooooth to describe it.