BOILING IN OIL -- Pipelines and Politicians, If You Please

DATELINE: BOILING IN OIL -- As we wait for that great leader President Obama (aka Spineless Willie) to decide on the Keystone Pipeline, I thought it might be fun to throw some numbers at you. In the past twelve years, in the United States, there have been at least 82 known pipeline leaks. Now, that doesn’t seem like a lot, I suppose, but these are the ones where there was no human involvement to cause them, and these are just the pipelines that carried those elixirs of life – crude, diesel, gasoline and, in two cases, jet fuel. This does not include the ones that were hit by construction workers because the pipeline was plotted wrong on maps or by human error. These are just the suckers that woke up one morning and decided to let that precious lifeblood of a nation land on the ground.

82 leaks – little (or in some cases big) holes that sprung out of nowhere. Just 82, you are saying. Well, yes, but let me clarify this some more. For 11 of those 82, there are no estimates for how much product was lost, so when I say that considerably more than 209,024 barrels were spilled, it is based on only 71 of those leaks. This part you’ll love... I just KNOW it. Oil company talk is 209,024 barrels, but do you know why? Well, it’s because it is a whole lot less scary when they say that than when they say more than 8,778,997 gallons. Yes, that is almost 9 Million gallons of crap spilled, in just 12 years, from just little leaks that happen.

Now, I should be clear about this. These numbers are based on researching the leaks that are made known and are recorded in information on the internet. If anything, they are low-balled, perhaps a lot. Nonetheless, here is more information for you to chew on. Of those 82 leaks, at least 40 of them, so half, resulted in severe environmental damage and contamination, almost always of water sources, many times killing animals, sometimes resulting in evacuations, and sometimes, because that shit is incredibly flammable, causing fires when it ignites. In at least one case, the spill was so bad in the water, the oil company had to burn it off – yes, they set the damned lake on fire. I bet fish and fowl were totally thrilled with that.

Funnily enough, the name Enbridge, as owners of the pipeline, came up 9 times, and Kinder Morgan owned the pipeline 6 times. Even more surprising, while these leaks were spread out over 26 US states, 8 of them happened in Illinois. I bet a lot of oilmen don’t drink the water in that state. While Illinois takes the prize for the most pipeline leaks, it is followed closely by Texas, Oklahoma then California.

These leaks, it should be noted, have occurred many times in areas where they then contaminated major waterways. In several instances, huge numbers of fish and wildlife, including endangered wildlife, were killed – and it is a slow painful death for them. In many cases, these leaks happened in very environmentally sensitive areas, where there never should have been a pipeline in the first place.

Yes, we need cars. No one is so fucking dumb as to say otherwise. We need oil and gas, but we need the oil companies to be responsible. Up to now, they haven’t been. The only guide of any significance to them has a damned dollar sign in front of it. Some of these leaks went on for considerable time because they were small, but their damage was huge. Some of these leaks went unreported for a long time, so the oil companies could ‘hide’ it. There was absolutely NO consideration given to the fact that this contamination could kill more than environments or wildlife; it could kill people. We are gonna look a right asinine lot when we have cars to drive but not one drop of water to drink. Of course, Sarah ‘Blowhole’ Palin, Mitt ‘Who’ Romney, Newt ‘No Funny Nickname Required’ Gingrich, Michelle ‘Harpies Really Were Insane’ Bachman, et all, would have given any oil company the keys to a kingdom and a ticker tape parade – without one moment of consideration for the farmland, wetlands, water tables or homes that the pipeline would casually crash over with no regard for any form of organic life, including the fucking farmers. You see, oil companies are bullies at heart, because their only concern is the money. As for the jobs, take it from someone who knows – they will be there, for a year, maybe, but not as many as they say. Then they will suddenly disappear, and the oil company won’t give a flying fuck about anyone who was promised anything, including a job and great pay. We’re talking politicians and oil companies here. Never ever forget that.

But Mz Palin and friends bring me to another point – it’s not just the oil companies who cannot be trusted. The governments have made it more than clear they would sell out their own fucking children for one vote or a few campaign dollars. The pipeline going through the US now could well mean enough money for the Democrats to purchase the White House deed for decades to come. We are supposed to trust the very same organization that slipped the god damned Monsanto Protection Act through the process to become a law without anyone knowing it? Oh, wait... that happened ‘anonymously’*. The politicians sold out our entire farming community AND our entire food supply to one company, and now they say they have no idea how that happened? I can tell you how. Monsanto is run by bullies with money – the worst sort of human excrement on the planet. They made it legal for Monsanto to do whatever it bloody well wants with our food, genetically modify it and genetically engineer it using sheep crap to make beef steaks, and there is absolutely NO recourse for anyone. They have been given a permanent golden Get Out Of Jail free card and our entire food supply was the cost. We want to sell out the water supply to the oil companies? I suppose at this point in time, why the hell not.

Yes, we need oil and gas. We also need to find ways to NOT need oil and gas. We need that oil and gas to be transported safely. That doesn’t mean that they just bulldoze homes from people who don’t want the pipeline over their pristine land. It doesn’t mean that it goes over sensitive aquifers or through national wildlife reserves or national parks. The fact is, no matter what they fucking do to make it ‘totally safe,’ it is still made by humans and therefore is capable of accidental yet catastrophic failure. There needs to be strict guidelines for how they get their land and where they run their pipelines. There needs to be HUGE penalties for every god damned drop of product that lands in the air or on the ground – not some bullshit slap on the wrist. There needs to be absolute vigilance – not the relying on their state of the art computerized doodads that will protect us, because quite honestly, they fail as well, and when they do, with no human checks and balances, we are totally fucked.

So, Mister President, while you consider the pipeline – and the successful election of your democratic successor, because we KNOW that’s all the party is thinking about – give some thought to how the people have already been sold down the river – the grossly contaminated, undrinkable river. There will be oil for everyone, but there will be no one left to drive a damned car. While you’re at it, passing crap like the Monsanto Protection Act, perhaps you could come up with some new law that involves duct tape and Michelle Bachman’s gaping, stupid, idiotic maw. Now THAT would be a law worth some heavy campaign dollars.

It’s a time for responsible thinking, balance, logic and compromise. It is for this reason, I fear, that perhaps there is no hope, because these are words that don’t exist anymore in the power houses, ivory towers and hallowed halls of the United States of America. More’s the pity; it has become a living, breathing historical display of how empires crumble.


* The whole bullshit that is the anonymous inclusion of something in a bill being considered for legislation is probably the most lame-ass ignorant slap in the face to the voting public I have ever heard of, because there is no way in hell they don’t know how it got in there, but it’s just a whole lot more convenient to blame no one than be responsible and wear your convictions yourself. Shame on the entire political system for allowing this mountain of crappola to exist at all.

DAILY NEWS - JANUARY 10th, 2012

DATELINE: OBSERVING THE CORONATION OF TURD ISLAND’S KING SHIT -- Finally, the damned GOP primaries have started – not a fucking moment too soon, because I was really starting to get sick of the gazillion debates so far. I’m excited. I’m a bit of a politics junkie, and, well, there is no nice way to say this, but the US has become the ultimate crack/speed/LSD fix – always extreme, always ugly, with a surreal quality of constant ‘what the fuck, man!’ that continually offers a follow-up hit with more pizzazz and less time in between, exactly what a junkie longs for. Their new prayer is Thank God for the United States of America and its never-ending election cycle. That said, I do not envy the Republicans their job of gleaning the wheat from the chaff in this weed-infested crop of crooks, hate-mongers and idiots.

I have grown tired of the hypocrisy of Romney and Gingrinch – holy crap, those two have written the damned book on hypocrisy in the extreme! I have given thanks (and even lit a candle) that Palin and Trump decided not to run – yet – and that Bachmann and Cain pulled out, because that was just way too much stoopid to even consider a possibility. That Santorum is still in there astounds me: to my dear friends on the warm side of the border, there are no coincidences – there is a reason that the man’s name is synonymous with frothy semen-filled shit. That ain’t no accident, and is something you really don’t want to be looking at every night for the next 8 years while eating dinner and watching the flatscreen. The man is fucking insane, and will seriously take your human rights back to a point where Kim Jong Il and Stalin would look moderate.

Of the many concerns I have with Ron Paul, the top one is that I can’t look at him without hearing Mr. Magoo’s voice. I can’t imagine the most powerful country in the world being led by a cartoon character. The thought of Mr Magoo strolling into the United Nations building with a passionate plea to call the world to arms, to unite against some heinous mutual threat, would have people laughing their asses off. Sorry, but he may as well talk like Alvin the Chipmunk as well, because as far as credibility goes, anyone who had good cartoon taste as a kid is not gonna take him seriously… and that could be more the danger.

Rick Perry, apart from having terminal Foot-in-Mouth Disease and needing Ed The Talking Horse on stage with him to help him count to three, proudly uses as his big boast the fact that he loves to kill people (just slightly better than Romney stating that he likes to fire people). Yes, thanks to the valiant efforts of Rick Perry, the US is essentially tied for third place at the International Government Executions Olympics in 2011 -- just a handful of lives behind North Korea and Yemen, but miles ahead of the next competitor. With Perry at the helm, you can well expect, with great pride, to give second place Iran, or even the front-runner, China, a run for their money. Does it not bother anyone that there is NO developed country in the world even competing in this event?

Here are the things that make me scream at the set though. How can this incredible collection of excrement stand there and scream about the evils of class warfare while bragging about being a product of it with every other sentence? How can they logically think there is one magic ticket to curing the economic woes of a country? For fuck sake, dropping taxes to the ‘job creators’ is the biggest load of cow crap I have ever heard. It’s the ‘job creators’ taking their jobs overseas, to where they get essentially slave labor at the hands of impoverished, desperate people (and a resultant crap product) that contributed to the problem, as well as Gingrinch’s Freddy Mac and Fanny Mae shit – and sorry, you can paint that outhouse with any color paint you want, but it’s still gonna be nothing more than a hole full of shit, Newt. Historical consultant? My ass! The largest corporations out there right now are sitting on billions, praying for that tax cut, not so they can hire more people on this continent, but so they can line their own fucking pockets and fuck the people over again – while passing handfuls of money under the table to the politicians who are pushing this fucking agenda. Why is this so hard for you dopes to see? There is a desperate need for tax reform, and that does not mean to keep taxing the middle class and lining the pockets of the likes of Gingrinch and Romney, but giving it some mile-long bullshit new name. You wanna talk about fucking class warfare, you better start looking in a mirror, then watchin your ass, because someone is gonna put on their Robin Hood costume and you two dolts are surely gonna be mistaken for that lousy, crooked, evil, heartless Sheriff of Nothingham.

Plus what is this crap about wanting less government, but then saying the government should federally regulate who sleeps with who, who can use birth control, and what church is acceptable? You might be wanting to lead the most powerful nation in the world, but that is not quite the same as being God. A leader with a god complex is… well… Kim Jung Il or Stalin. You want to control religion and ethnicity? Well, Hitler also managed to do that – for a while, but I guess anything is on the table when world domination, your pocketbook and a place in history is on the line. Fucking with this shit in politics is incredibly dangerous, and incredibly stupid, but I guess if the republican party is so narrow-minded and asinine to put someone like this in a position of leadership, they can reap what they sow. That a country the size and scope of the United States of America can only come up with this list of lame-brains to offer as their best and brightest is the saddest fucking thing I have ever seen.

That said, I will go out on a limb and make a prediction. Based solely on the very scientific process of pulling a name out of my ass (the same principle apparently employed by these candidates when discussing just about any issue), I will predict it will come down to sadly, Romney and Huntsman, with a Trump card being played in the end run. Why? Because everyone else on the playing field has had their one major pass, that one chance to take it across the goal line in a hail of glorious cheers, and they have dropped the ball. Bachmann, Paul, Perry, Cain, Gingrinch (twice), and now Santorum all did a meteoric rise to the top of the heap, only to open their mouths with a bit more press coverage and say that thing that made the people go ‘Holy Hell, What Were We Thinking!’. There is a reason for the huge undecided vote among republicans, and that is because the choices they are being offered are about the same as offering them a choice of death by disembowelment or being tied to an anthill and covered with honey to allow the critters to eat them alive. Huntsman has not had that chance to rise to the top yet. He’s a late bloomer, and he will start his holy ascension now, late enough in the game to put him near the top in the end, which leaves the evangelical right with the unbelievable choice of picking from a table with only two dishes – neither one being fish, but both of them belonging to that radical upstart cult of Mormonism. How sad that a candidate’s religion is even a topic of discussion, but if there is one thing it’s easy to scare people about, to bring out the worst in them, its religion.

But what about the Trump card, you ask? Well, I suspect that SOME people, when his choice isn’t going to make it across the finish line, is gonna toss his hat into the ring as an independent. That’s sad on two counts, the first being that he really should not take off any hat that hides that bad comb-over, but is also sad because of the elementary school-yard attitude it portrays. For God’s sake, the man has a golden crapper but still uses a ShamWow on his hair. More to the point though, it will give the Republicans just what they don’t need – another reason to be idiotically divided.

FROM THE DRIVER'S SEAT - JUNE 7th, 2011

DATELINE: FINDING THE PONY IN A PILE OF POO – Pile of poo? More like a fucking boatload of bullshit, at least on the political front. We wonder why people are frustrated with politics, why people have tuned it out, why they don’t bother to vote, while there are some hugely important issues that need to be discussed and acted on. You want to know why? It’s because politicians lie, and the ones that are not lying are either covering up or making excuses for the ones that lie... which makes them no fucking better than the political Pinocchio’s that seem to have taken over the entire system.

First we have John Edwards, the man who would be President... thank God that didn’t happen. He denied being involved with another woman...for a while. When that was no longer deniable, he swore on a stack of Bibles that he did not father a child. (Bambi’s rule #69 – when they volunteer what they DIDN’T do or who they DIDN’T do, it’s usually a key indicator that hell yes, they are guilty as all holy hell). He did this while his wife was standing beside him, holding his hand and stroking his fucking ego while she was dealing with her own challenges in the form of cancer, a cancer that took her life. She was concerned about their children, the ones down the hall from Dickhead Edwards as he was boinking his tart in the bed he would have been sharing with his wife... if she hadn’t been in the hospital dealing with, remember... cancer. Now the man says he did not break any laws, that he did not misappropriate funds in order to hide his affair. Sorry Johnny hon, your three denials are used up, stupidly, and it is to be hoped that you spend a long time in prison with a cellmate with a dick that was as uncontrollable as your own has been.

Enter penis pics, the really, really sad choice of Anthony Weiner, the quintessential Peter Tweeter. With a name like that, did he really want to take crotch shots and send them off to people he claims he doesn’t know anything about... he just randomly offers pictures of the family jewels, I guess. When this all started, he claimed his computer account had been hacked, then he said that it might be pictures of him that were doctored and someone else sent, then he claimed that it might have been a picture of him, but he really couldn’t be expected to remember exactly what pictures of his dick were floating around. He claimed to not know any of the people he has been having intimate conversations with over the internet then admits that yeah, he knew where they were, he has talked to some of them for months, some before his recent marriage, some after. He says he has had no physical contact with them, but you know he was at the very least yanking on the celeb wanker while he was talking about their tits, sharing naked pics, and bragging about his prick. The man is a newly wed... if he were mine, he would be newly dead. He has now volunteered that he had no sex with them, that he has never met them, that he never used any government equipment or time to do his digital dalliances, and that none of them would be under age... **See Bambi Rule #69 above. Nuff said... this prick needs a few minutes with my friend Lorena and her rusty trusty Ginsu de-boning knife.

Of course, not ALL their lies about their peckers. It was revealed yesterday that at Fukushima Diiachi nuclear plant, three of the nuclear reactors experienced a complete meltdown within hours of the earthquake and tsunami that hit two months ago. Yes, the owners of the plant denied, still do, that there was any danger, that there was any meltdown, that there was any problem at all other than perhaps a bit of a leak. They told the people around there that there was no danger, so not to worry. The fucking things were in meltdown, spewing radiation into the air all around there. It takes some effort to take a life threatening disaster and turn it into a clusterfuck of BP proportions, but hell, the Tokyo Election Power Co has managed, hands down. Rather than looking like a bunch of incompetent assholes, they chose to lie about the situation, endangering hundreds of thousands of lives at least, turning down assistance, shunning other agencies, and firmly entrenching their place in the Lying Asshole’s Hall of Fame.

Take heart though... I believe in equality. Not all politicians and executives lie about their dicks or their impotence, in whatever form it might present. We still have Sarah Palin. She is out there doing her damnedest to convince the world that she is NOT campaigning, that she is wanting people to know about history, about Americana, about being proud to say you are American. She is teaching her children and the children of the world a valuable lesson about the importance of history, the value of knowing where you are from. I believe I know where she is from... she is the fucking ding-a-ling in the bell that she claims Paul Revere rang on his famous ride to warn the British that they would never take the arms (or legs) of the Americans. Yes, while secretly delivering the message he fired shots of warning and rang his bells to alert the people... the stupid bastard probably warned the British too. On the good side, at least she didn’t get totally fucked up and claim that he was screaming The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming, although that would be a totally understandable mistake since she can see them from her fucking window. She then defended her version, while her mental midgets worked hard to send ‘the corrected Sarah Palin historical perspective’ out on the interwebs by posting changes to Wikipedia entries. Now that, Sarah, is a fucking Gotcha moment, and you didn’t even need the press to help you make an ass of yourself. All that was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by all this is that the educational, historical, altruistic aspects of the Sarah Palin Rouge Road Trip are nothing more than a fucking busload of bullshit, and the real agenda is to get Sarah in front of the press at every possible opportunity... because we hadn’t already figured that out.

At what point will someone figure out that the time for this crap is over. There are people desperate for work, people scrambling to keep their homes, children starving, while Howard Stern is making a porn movie that is supposedly a recreation of reality in his world of excess, abuse and asskissing. There is a European coalition preparing to ask the UN to intervene on behalf of tortured Syrians, but that doesn’t make the news. There are floods killing hundreds of thousands in China... but our priority is hockey, for ten minutes at the opening of the news. Ask me again why we are losing interest? Sadly, I have no fucking idea what it will take for us to care enough before it’s too late.

FROM THE DRIVER'S SEAT - June 3rd, 2011

DATELINE: LOST IN THE HEADLINES, FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS – It lacks glamor and glitz -- in fact, it’s horrifying. It has no celebrity endorsement because it could be viewed as a political hot potato. In some countries, sadly, it’s the norm, so they look the other way, buy the propaganda and spin, because they have no choice. Well, I have a choice, and my choice is to say it’s time to pay fucking attention to this.

A boy, thirteen years old, was murdered by his government. His name was Hamza al-Khateeb. It doesn’t have the same ring to it as say Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton, but this boy has reason to be in the news, and it isn’t because he went and got a new fucking tattoo or a Brazilian body wax. This boy was taken by the Syrian military under the orders of President Bashar Assad. He was shot three times, he was tortured for a month, there were burn marks on his body, his kneecaps were shattered, his penis was cut off, and once he had died, his body was returned to his family, along with a wheelbarrow full of bullshit stories about what happened to him and how he had not been tortured or suffered at all. The family, going public with the story, then faced the wrath of the government even more, to the point where they were intimidated enough, scared shitless enough, that they went on television to sing the praises of the great gregarious Assad.

But this is just the tip of the iceburg. A four-year old in Syria was shot in her village… I can’t for the life of me imagine what the hell threat a four-year-old is to soldiers with machine guns, but apparently they believed her to be, and murdered her. A busload of children was also fired upon. In the town of Rastan, people cannot even walk out their doors to go to prayers because the minute they step outside, they are shot. This is not life. This is not right. But North American media’s probe into the situation: ‘What does Bashar Assad have on his iPod?’ I am not making this up… it was a burning question that begged an answer. What the fuck is that about? We have now taken fluff from pointless and tasteless and tossed it way across the line to insulting and obnoxious.

The news today? A hockey player bit another one in a fight on the ice… whoop-de-fucking do. John Edwards is facing indictment? Well, good. The bastard brought it on himself with his greed and his uncontrollable dick. That peach of a general from Bosnia, Ratko Mladic, is pleading for compassion because he is sick with cancer; well, yes, I guess I am a cold heartless bitch because I hope he suffers and lingers and that he still stands trial because that man was a fucking monster who showed no compassion to anyone in his life, but rather found intense joy in dishing out torture to people for no reason. Karma’s a bitch too, Ratko, honey; pull on your big-boy panties and take what’s coming to you. And of course, what the fuck is a day in the media without Sarah Palin and her pretend but not really US tour/campaign to see how many idiots actually will believe she is on a family fucking holiday so she can campaign AND still collect her nice fat paycheck from those apparent morons at FOX. Sarah… please just piss or get off the fucking pot. You are not news, you are not special, and you are not particularly clever so fuck off and let some real people with some real skills and brains and ideas try to help the world instead of milking it for all it’s worth.

Pay fucking attention! People… children… are being tortured by their own governments. Now Iran, and that rocket fucking scientist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is coming to the rescue, sending troops in to help his buddy Bashar, and we will sit back and watch, and turn the channel so we don’t have to see.

But let me ask you this… IF that happened here, IF one day we woke up and found that a despot in disguise had managed to get into power, what would you do? It’s not beyond the realm of possibility. For starters, we have Steven Harper with his very blatant disrespect for all things democratic and his attempts to circumvent process at every possibility all for the single purpose of maintaining political power. Look back a few years… a man named Adolf Hitler was democratically elected as well. It can happen, and who will help when it does?

We sit back and say that Bashar will change. Well, hello?? What the fuck planet are you on? He will not change because he does not have to because no one holds him to account. There are a shitload of fucking asshole leaders in the Middle East all sitting back praying that their people will stop demanding to be treated with even a modicum of respect and that they might have just one or two human rights… how dare they… so these leaders have absolutely no desire to get involved, because ‘there but for the grace of Allah, go I’. The rest of the world… there might be oil there, so we can’t piss them off.

The people in Europe needed help to regain their lives back from the Nazi regime. The people in South Vietnam were being brutally tortured and systematically wiped out by North Vietnam. Korea? The Chinese and North Koreans had chosen those in the south for their targets. Bosnia, the Sudan… the list is long of people who are brutally wiped out because they want to have a life, because they practice the wrong religion, come from the wrong town, because they dare to say ‘enough’. It’s time for the rest of us to say ‘enough’ on their behalf, and I will give kudos to Hillary Clinton for at least having the balls to state clearly and publicly that this is unacceptable, apparently a lone voice among the politicos of the world.

For one minute, imagine your life waking up in the morning, not able to step out your door because you will be shot. Imagine spending every day in abject terror because you have no idea who will want to murder and mutilate your baby. Imagine the panic in your heart as you search for your child who was there with you one minute, gone the next, then receiving his body back full of holes, covered with burns, tortured almost beyond recognition, and receiving blatant lies about what happened to him. Then imagine what you would do if you knew others with a better life were looking in, watching, then shrugging and saying ‘sorry, but it’s a civil matter’. A civil matter? A civil war? There is absolutely nothing civil about any of this. It’s barbaric by any terms, and it’s time we made that known.

DAILY NEWS - May 27th, 2011

DAILY NEWS - May 27th, 2011

DATELINE: VISITING HEAD-UP-YER-ASS TOWN, WHERE JUDGE’S LIVE – In a truly astounding ruling, the Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that… wait for this… you will want to be sitting down… a woman cannot give consent to have sexual intercourse while she is unconscious. Holy crap! These guys are fucking rocket scientists! I have to admit, they earned their pay with this one! That this even got to the Supreme Court is what is totally fucking flabbergasting. Yes, I know the case in question involved a couple who had a rather adventurous consensual sex life, and yes, she agreed to be choked for the thrill of it… that makes her kinky, bordering on stupid… but it does not mean that the guy then has free reign to do what he wants with her, and it would be legal because she didn’t use the ‘safe word’ or scream STOP at him. That this had to go through all levels of the judicial system, that it encountered some rulings saying no crime had been committed, and then ended up in a split vote at the Supreme court passes the point of being just plain fucking stupid and takes a bounding leap into the world of outright disgusting. I can hardly wait for even more bullshit from them, once Comrade Harper is finished stacking the bench with his peons and clones.

DATELINE: LOOKING FOR CELEBRITY, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN CATASTROPHE AND CONCEIT – Major media are hinting that there might be the off-chance that Sarah Palin will be *gasp* running for President in 2012! *faints* You think she MIGHT be? What the fuck planet are you guys on? She has a new bus and is planning a tour. She bought a new house in, yes, Arizona,(remember the whole ‘blood-;libel’ thing when her iddy biddy feelings were hurt when… oh yeah… a gunman opened up and killed a bunch of people on a Sunday morning and it was suggested that Palin might want to tone down her six-shooter rifle in every hand rhetoric for a while). My favorite of her subtle little hints, though… the release of her own movie, The Undefeated, to be opening in Iowa soon. (News Bulletin, Sarah hon… you WERE defeated in 2008, so already your movie is off to one hell of a great fucking start). This movie, which she originally went to the producer prepared to pitch and fund, is about the real Saint Sarah, the politician who cleaned up Alaska, who solved their economic woes, who is really a spy, watching Vladimir Putin when he comes out of the shower (she can see him from her kitchen window). One should be hoping there are a lot of popcorn buckets around, because people will need something to puke in. This movie has all the things necessary to knock Barry Linden of its throne as the most boring piece of shit movie ever. She might be running? Oh for fuck sake. The only thing more stupid than celebrities is the media that covers them.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF CELEBRITIES AND DISASTERS AND THE MEDIA COVERING THEM – It’s been a tough spring… towns literally wiped out by raging wild fires, floods, and now tornadoes. Amidst the destruction, as people start the endless, huge task of rebuilding their lives, their homes, and coping with staggering grief, they should breathe easier, because help is on the way. Why, just the other day they broke into the news with the bulletin that Justin Bieber had just tweeted that he was praying for the people of Joplin. Well, shit, that has to make everything better, right? He tweeted. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. This is news? Sorry, no, it’s bullshit. If a person was to sit back and calculate the amount of money made by actors, singers and sports stars, there would be more than enough there to rebuild every one of those towns lost and then some. There would be enough money there to rebuild fucking Haiti, and to see these people touring around, offering glib support and handshakes before climbing back into their personal planes to go home to their multi-million dollar mansions has to burn some fucking asses. It would certainly piss me off. Yes, there are some who do go to help, who offer real support, who get their hands dirty, but they are the vast minority. There are some who donate a couple hours to sing a song or attend a concert, but come on… there could be a lot more done, and there are fewer people every day with the ability to help as more and more struggle just to make ends meet. Of course, even the photo-op starved celebrities are a set up from the bank execs, who are making millions in bonuses, and whose spirits are sitting hunched over right there in a nearby tree, surveying the damage and waiting to see what bones they can pick over.

DAILY NEWS - February 14th, 2011 VALENTINE'S DAY!

Nothing says HAPY VALENTINE'S DAY Like a Picture of Muammar Gadddafi!!

DAILY NEWS, FEBRUARY 14th, 2011

DATELINE: LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUGE FUCKING NUT IN THE NUT BOWL – While the rest of the world congratulates the people of Egypt on their incredible, peaceful push for democracy and human rights, enter that totally fucking insane Sultan of Sweet, Muammar Gaddafi. As some of you may remember, this wonderful piece of egomaniacal international shit is the one who brought us such events as the Locherbie plane crash and the murder of athletes at the Munich Olympics. He has a full roster of this sort of crap, having been in control of his country for the past 41 years. Now he is calling on the people of Palestine to stand up and revolt against Israel, to crowd the wall and man boats until the Israelis back down and give them freedom. God forbid he pass up the chance to create havoc and effect death. Of course, he could not pass up the opportunity to encourage Muslim countries to rise up against Western Powers, because we in the ‘white countries’ are the enemies of Islam. It should be pointed out that this fucking revolutionary dictator has made it illegal for anyone to object to him or his rule – so much for democracy. He also is very well known for his very open encouragement and support of anyone who wants to attack the west, including offering free weapons and supplies to anyone planning an attack against Europe or North America. It should also be noted that George Bush, that good old boy and model of excellent fucking judgment, took Libya and Gaddafi off the list of countries that support and harbor terrorists, but that was because of a nice little $2.7B that Libya still has not made good on. But what the fuck? He has the oil, so he should be the king of the back room ass reaming.

DATELINE: STILLWITH OUR HAND IN THE NUT BOWL – Sarah Palin has hired a new heavy duty Republican political advisor, Michael Glassner, to head her ‘political action committee’. This will be the man to help her when she runs for the White House in 2012. He will be in charge of those cutsey pukesy tweets, which will be a full-time job all by itself. Then there are the facebook status updates, and the negotiations about which reality television show Sarah should attempt next. Michael, honey, let me give you a little tip; duct tape. Seriously, it was created for problems just like Sarah Palin, and not just for across her mouth! That’s the fucking beauty of it – you can tape her fingers so she stays away from the fucking keyboard, and it can double as a replaceable Palm Pilot for her, so she can just rip off a layer to find out what her next stupid fucking answer should be. Or, pick up some shares in some Jose, because you just might be needing it!

DATELINE: HEADING TO THE ‘SHOULD HAVE THEIR NUTS WHACKED OFF’ DEPARTMENT – Yes, you guessed it! Another Catholic Church Cardinal has been accused of covering up for and protecting an abusive priest. This time it is Cardinal Ad Simonis, who moved an abusive priest to another parish where he was able to abuse some more. Yes, he admits it, but he says… wait for it… he thought the priest had changed, so he didn’t even bother monitoring the asshole’s behavior. The initial reports of the abuse came from the priest’s Bishop. For some absolutely impossible to fathom reason, the name of the priest is not being released. This would be the same Cardinal Ad Simonis who, last year, said there was absolutely no knowledge of any abuse by any priest in the Netherlands, but somehow, by some fucking miracle, there surfaced records of over 200 allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests there. One wonders what the fuck Cardinal Ad Simonis was doing all those years when this was happening.

DATELINE: DYING FOR SOMEONE TO CUT THE RED TAPE BULLSHIT – Birgilio Marin-Fuentes was driving to Portland Adventist Medical Center because he was not feeling well. As he pulled into the underground parking garage, under the Emergency Parking Only sign, he crashed his car. Finally someone noticed his wreck and went in to the hospital to report it to a police officer in the emergency room. Officers Angela Luty and Robert Quick found the man, but 20 minutes had passed from the time he had crashed, and he was now unconscious and unresponsive. The police officers started CPR and a third officer ran into the emergency, 125 feet away, to get help. The help he got? Advice to call 911. Yes, the man was in the parking lot of the hospital, an 8 second stroll away from what he needed, and yet there was nothing… NOTHING done by medical staff to help him. Although the hospital says it did send out a security officer with a mobile defibrillator, and a paramedic, the police reported that no one came to help them until the ambulance arrived. Of course, the hospital claims it is protocol to not go out there because what if the patient needs to be extricated? Well, you fucking help him while he is being extricated then, don’t you? An independent investigation has been requested, thank Christ, because hospital staff do have a responsibility to treat anyone critically injured on their premises, including parking lots. Sadly, this bullshit happens too often, excused by the claims of insurance regulations, hospital policy and state protocols, but that is all nothing but absolute bull crap. You have an obligation to help people in trouble medically. One also assumes you were issued with a heart. Too bad there was no one with a fucking heart around when Mr. Marin-Fuentes was desperately in need of a doctor.

DATELINE: LOVING IT UP FOR VALENTINES DAY – Let it not be said that Bambi does not have a soft side, a romantic bent that she prefers to keep under wraps. Well, in honor of the day, thanks to the Bronx Zoo, I can name a roach for the one I love. Hell, for $10 I can afford to have a couple of lovers. These Madagascar hissing roaches are the biggest and loudest of all the roaches, so what could be better to pass on that message of love? Just to give you a few tidbits about your lovers namesake, these fucking buggers can climb up glass, and they hiss when they are disturbed, horny or pissed off. These little darlings can live up to five fucking years. Some people keep them as pets. The only advantage with Dash the Cockroach is that by dropping $5.95 at the local Walmart for a can of Raid, I can keep the son of a bitch under control. Give your lover that present they will remember for fucking every… nothing says love like a cockroach.

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 18th, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 18th, 2010

DATELINE: FOLLOWING THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD –Former US Vice President Dick Cheney said he would eventually have to consider a heart transplant. Transplant? Perhaps he should instead start singing and skipping down the road through munchkin land in search of the Wizard of Oz… Just because I'm presumin, 'That he could be a human, If he only had a heart.

DATELINE: AT WALMART, BUYING OUT ALL THEIR DUCT TAPE – Why? You might ask? Well, didn’t you hear Sarah Palin??? She will not be shut up. She said it herself. So, because she can’t help but either put her foot in her mouth or spew stupid from her mouth, it is time for a fucking duct tape intervention.

DATELINE: SPEAKING OF DUCT TAPE – It is long overdue to call some of these stupid fucking news anchors on the dumbass questions they ask. It’s bad enough that here in BC we have to suffer through the gallactically stupid morning desk jock, but on all stations, the dumb question has taken on epidemic proportions. This morning, as police officers from all over the country gather to bury one of their own, an incredibly somber situation and one deserving utmost respect, took the stupid to a new level. While interviewing an infield reporter who was standing in front of the police officers as they assembled, she asked ‘what is the mood there?’ Huh? What the fuck does she think the mood would be? It’s like asking someone who just watched a loved one killed ‘how do you feel?’ The absolutely fucking dumb up-yer-ass questions: yet another reason for people to tune out the news. Despite the stupidity, prayers go out to the family of Toronto Police Department Sergeant Ryan Russell, who was killed in the line of duty last week.

DATELINE: IN HAITI, MAKING A BAD SITUATION WORSE – Baby Doc Duvalier still has not revealed his reason for returning to Haiti, but it cannot be coincidental that he arrived as the country is dealing with a totally fucked up election process while the country is in dire need and total confusion. The fact that he is not behind bars is disconcerting, but not surprising. That other countries hide assholes like this instead of making them stand up and account for what they have done is appalling but apparently not going to change in our lifetime, because some countries just don’t have the fucking balls to stand up and do the right thing either, preferring instead for other countries to clean up the clusterfucks they create. As we sit here shaking our heads at the fact that anyone in Haiti could consider his return providential, we also have to bear in mind a couple of little details. The first is that the country is in total chaos, absolutely rudderless and feeling the effects of that in a very real way. Watching loved ones perish to disease and starvation, watching them be abused, raped, and bullied, knowing every damn day is the same struggle for even the most basic of life’s needs makes people reach for any lifeline. Another issue to take into consideration, especially considering the huge number of candidates running for President, is that they have no way to get papers, no way to know what all the candidates are about or what they are saying, because the flaps of their tents don’t come with electrical outlets so they can plug in the radios and televisions they don’t have. More to the point though, the vast majority of the people in Haiti were not even alive when Baby Doc and his Tonton Macoute were running the country 25 years ago.

DATELINE: HUNG BY THE HORSE -- Metaphorically speaking, of course. Stephanie Six (29) was standing outside a bar in Florida, waiting with some friends before they went home for the night, when police approached them and told them to get on their way. The cops weren’t overly polite in the request – nothing new there, these days -- but one of the cops was on a horse, and as horses tend to do, this one shifted a bit, pinning Stephanie against the wall. Stephanie, in response, reached out and touched the horse, and set off a shit storm of incredible proportions. She was arrested for ‘battery on a police horse’, put in jail for twelve hours, and has been accused of being an animal abuser. Now, I have been around a lot of horses, have pushed and slapped a number of them when they get their big asses bouncing around. They can be intimidating as hell to someone who is not used to them. This was Six’s first interaction with the police, heinous criminal that she is. Too bad her first one had to be so fucking deep in horse shit.

DATELINE: STARRING IN THE SOAP OPERA OF LIFE – Well, actually the soap is called Chepe Fortuna, a South American soap opera that has been taken off the air… because one of the characters has a dog named Little Hugo. The owner of the dog is named Venezuela and she has a sister called Columbia, and the two, just like the countries, have been known to have their spats. In the various storylines, Venezuela is "repeatedly characterized as associated with crime, interference and vulgarity" and this has caused that laugh-a-minute despot leader (not so little) Hugo Chavez to take issue with the show, and to demand its removal from the Venezuelan airwaves. It has me thinking that my little Poopsie, my pink tea-cup poodle Adolf, needs a brother, a pink yappy Chihuahua named Hugo. The dog, however, will probably have a sense of humor, something the politician is clearly in desperate fucking need of.

DATELINE: NOT HAVING SO MUCH FUN IN THE SUN – Rebecca Rutland (41) and her fiancé were spending New Years Eve In Playa Del Carmen a few weeks back. While there, shortly before midnight, the police wanted to search them, and when her fiancé stated his objection because they had been doing nothing wrong, the two were taken into custody, then the nightmare began. Rutland was tossed in a cell, had her jewelry and money stolen by the police officers, was subjected to a vicious search that ended in her being forced to perform oral sex on the officer searching her, and then was repeatedly raped by several members of the police force. For 18 hours, she was held in custody, raped, abused, despite the fact that a supervisor walked in, watched, then left without doing anything. When she was released from custody, she required hospitalization for broken ribs and bite marks that had already become infected. She was bruised and battered, and yet Mexican authorities deny that anything happened at all. Even if the couple were the most wild partiers in the world, there is nothing that justifies this behavior by police, and based on their reactions and statements, one has to assume the police are more than practiced at lying their way through this. The holes in the story offered by police are big enough for me to drive my rig through, and the audacity and arrogance their lies show are staggering. It is time for people to hold Mexican authorities to account, or for Canadians to take a much harder stance about tourism there, because the reported incidents of this nature are far too common. If it is this bad for tourists going there, how the hell terrible is it for the people who live in that mess? Mexico is now definitely off my list of places I have any interest in visiting.

DATELINE: INTRODUCING POT TO KETTLE – This weekend, Abbotsford Police recommended that charges be laid against Kelowna RCMP Constable Geoff Mantler in the incident of Mantler kicking a compliant man in the face. Abbotsford Police were given the task of doing the official criminal investigation into the incident. But then, what do we see on the news the next day? A video of Abbotsford Police involved in ‘questioning’ two men about a possible drug deal. In the video, both suspects are cooperative, instantly lie down on the ground and put their hands behind their heads. But that’s not good enough. The cop, with his sidearm trained on the one suspect, starts to kick the man, steps on his head, kicks him in the head, while his partner walks over the back of the man’s legs… while he is laying on the pavement. Yes, these are the men to investigate a kicking incident in Kelowna. What the fuck is wrong with the police now? Why are they on such a fucking powetrip, enforcing laws that clearly do not need to be applied to themselves? I have known many, have worked with many, and remember the days when police were trained to defuse a situation rather than instigate, when police respected that a person was innocent until proven guilty, and was not in need of having boots put to them for no reason at all. For the sake of all the good cops out there, and there are some, it is about time the bad ones were reined in and held to account, because the trust and respect will only continue to erode the longer this goes on.

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 13th, 2011

DAILY NEWS – JANUARY 13th, 2011

DATELINE: IN HAITI, SEARCHING FOR THE FIVE PERCENT – That would be the five percent of the rubble that has been cleared away in the last year. Yes, despite the millions of dollars, after one year this is all that has been done. Food, education, medical attention, sanitation facilities… all is in short supply despite the work of volunteers and NGOs. There are still people dying of cholera, there are still more than a million people living in tents, there are now major problems with the women in these tents being repeatedly raped at night because they have no security, no doors, no nothing. Perhaps now it is time for a new mindset in order to get the country back on its feet? Perhaps it is time not for donations but for investment… investment that means continued interest and long-term involvement, investment that comes with commitment. It is pretty obvious that just holding telethons and mailing cheques is not enough. With the majority of the population there under the age of 25, there is a need to invest in education for them. There is a need to invest in medical care for the people, in sustainable hospitals and programs that will help the people. There is a need to invest in infrastructure that will move the country out of the rubble and into some hope for the future. Perhaps the answer is to start in the areas outside the capital, where there is less rubble because the people who lived there had virtually nothing. The simple fact of the matter is that more has to be done and it has to be done quickly, because if status quo is the best we can do, those people will never get out of tents, because they will never have jobs to go to or have schools to attend. The job is overwhelming, and people with nothing cannot be expected to overcome. The donations gathered in the days after the earthquake showed that we have compassion and we believe in the ability of the country to rise above the ashes. So far, what we have done is tantamount to sending a state of the art bicycle to a man with no legs. Now we need to help him build some legs so he can stand, run and can ride the damned bike.

DATELINE: IN A ROOM FULL OF IDIOTS AND ERASERS -- First it was someone taking an eraser to Mark Twain’s work. Now, we’re going to do the same to songs? A quarter of a century ago, Dire Straits released their song Money For Nothing. For twenty-five years this song has been fine until… *cue ominous music* … it was played on a radio station in Canada and a caller phoned it to complain that it contains a ‘homophobic slur’. In their *insert sarcastic font* ‘always-present infinite wisdom’, the CRTC has decided that yes, it does contain tha slur, and even if the language would have been relatively commonplace when the song was released, it no longer is and so, before the song can be played on Canadian airwaves or sold in Canadian stores, it must be revised to remove that one particular word. Don’t think for one minute that I advocate the use of these vile words, because they really have no place in a civilized respectful lexicon, but they were commonly used words at the time of their writing and are, therefore part of history, and history should never be erased. They are also words that have strong meaning and impact because of the emotions they evoke. Our current-day musical fare offers over 85 songs by current artists who absolutely fucking love using these words. Kanye West, Twista, Diddy, LL Cool J all have songs with that 'Mark Twain' word in them, and it seems that Mobb Deep, Nelly, Onyx, Lil Wayne, E40, Spice 1…. The list goes on and on of those who can’t seem to perform a song that doesn’t contain that word, so what the fuck is the deal? And if we are going to start erasing two offensive words, how about those songs that refer to women as hoes and bitches, that advocate rape and domestic violence? How about we just totally erase Eminem completely (just the mention of his name makes me want to puke) and everything he ever wrote, or at the very least break his hand and cut his vocal cords, because there is nothing that comes out of that mouth that is not intensely offensive? The works of Mark Twain are being bastardized to ‘tone them down’, to make them more accessible to modern readers? Give me a fucking break. Yes, I am offended by some of those songs, incredibly offended by several of them, and I do believe they leap over the bounds of good taste and moral precepts, and I don’t believe they propel society in a positive direction, but it is music and literature, and in no way is it necessary in my life to have to listen to them or read them if I don’t want to. If the word offends you, either pull on some big girl panties and listen to the artists message or close the fucking book/ shut off the radio/ don't buy the damned book, but don’t censor the damned work, because that opens up the door to the re-writing and white-washing of everything about us, which is nothing more than lying about who we are, where we come from, and the mistakes we have made, and that is never a good thing.

DATELINE: JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE HEARD IT ALL – Sarah Palin opens her mouth, and out spews a whole new degree of insensitivity and stupidity. I guess it was foolish to think she would take the high road, acknowledge that there is something to be said for ‘rational, civilized, non-hyperbolic’ debate that people might actually listen to, that might actually impact those who are trying to determine their political bent. It was naïve of me to think she could just say yes, it was a tragedy, and yes, there is a need to reflect on the political climate of the day in all political and journalistic camps. No, she had to join the ranks of those other nimnos – the ones who protest too much, who spend every day dipping the beaks into that vitriolic well because they just are not capable of reasonable, rational, civilized debate. Nowhere have I read or heard that she is ‘the cause’ of what happened in Arizona. She is, however, a prime example of the shouting, screaming, hatred, and intolerance that we see in the political arena, especially as she makes her always-handy rifle references and strikes yet another pose with a shotgun on her shoulder. She has helped to notch up the rhetoric… a lot… taking it far beyond debate and discussion… and then she refers to the media’s reaction, the media’s speculation that perhaps some of the incendiary language used has helped to create an intolerable environment that puts many in danger, as a ‘blood-libel’. Wow… just WOW. Is she really so poorly educated to not understand the words that stream so passionately from her mouth, or does she have a bunch of bumbling idiots handling her? Either way, she was the one to speak the words, so the buck stops with her, and so now as a Jewish congresswoman lies in a hospital bed in Arizona fighting for her life, a new swirl, this time of anti-Semitism give an already incredibly sad, terrible story yet one more incredulous angle. As with all tragedy, we are see the strength of human fiber rise as the inherent need to protect and help each other surfaces against all odds. It also gives us the chance to see the worst of human nature in the form of religious and political renegades attempting to seize the opportunity to make some political mileage at any cost. Someone please save Sarah Palin from herself, and buy that woman a roll of fucking duct tape, because that is really her only hope. Someone please explain that a huge part of the reason people have become disengaged from politics and voting is because they are fed up with the screaming, shouting, name-calling, mud-slinging games and just want to know what a candidate sees as the future, the solution to the problems we face, and now the hell to get there. Quit shouting over us, quit trying to snow us, and talk to use like we are your bosses… because we are certainly the ones footing the bill, and we are the ones who can hand you your pink slip come election time.

Now, I hear you already, reading this and saying ‘what a dumb bitch! She advocates freedom of speech in music and then slams poor Sarah for her choice of words only seconds later.’ Yes, I do. Eminem is not running for public office, is not taking steps to present the public in general, and spewing words that I can turn off and it makes absolutely no difference to my life or wellbeing. Politicians, however, do impact my life with their words, their positions, their actions, and their fucking stupidity. Her words are in no way considered ‘art’, they are considered ‘life’ and should she stand up there and refer to people in the same manner the songs do, if they were to advocate for the ‘beating of your bitch’, refer to women as hoes, and glorify violent sexual assault, that would be a problem.

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DATELINE: CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK, PLANNING TO MAKE AN ALREADY HORRENDOUS SITUATION EVEN WORSE – While some families watch, wait, and silently celebrate the improved conditions of loved ones shot and injured in front of that Tucson grocery store, and others prepare with much confusion and pain to put their loved ones to rest, enter that fucking despicable excuse for a human being, Reverend He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Because-I-Refuse-To-Give-Him-Any-More-Free-Publicity and his gang of wacked-out hoodlum Holier-Than-Thou’s, preparing to disrupt the funeral of nine-year-old shooting victim Christina Green. Has that family not been through enough hell already? Has Tucson not been through enough? That legislation has to be drawn up on the spur of the moment to allow a family some modicum of respect while they grieve is yet another sad, discouraging chapter in this already sickening story. That any group, let alone one that claims to have a religious purpose, would celebrate what happened on the weekend and use it as a pulpit for their own fucked-up agenda is staggering. That there is a faction out there who actually makes financial contributions to this fucking asshat so he can travel the country spreading his little bit of up-yer-ass sunshine is beyond disgusting. Fred, hon, my prayer is that your day in the headlines is over. You have made more than enough people’s agony your ecstasy, and I have no doubt when your time comes Karma is going to be one hell of a hot bitch for you.


DATELINE: IN A LAB SNIFFING THE CHEMICALS – There are few things that piss me off as much as people taking advantage of those dealing with medical conditions or diseases. Okay, there is a whole hell of a lot that pisses me off, but this one is rather near the top of the list. When someone comes up with a snake-oil cure for cancer or the waving of chicken intestines as a cure for MS, I get just slightly fucking irritated. In the wave of the clusterfuck that was Doctor Wakefield’s study linking autism to the MMR vaccine, which should by now be totally debunked, we are now treated with a list of ‘possible causes’ instead of the MMR booster. Believe me, I saw the headline and I immediately ran to the report, wanting to know just what it is that causes this condition in so many children now. The offering was nothing less than walking into a weekend Smorgasbord at the damned roadside hotel… so parents can pick the thing that they ‘did wrong’ that brought about this plight on their child. The list included things like waiting too long to get pregnant (the over 50 set), taking drugs like Thalidomide while pregnant, exposing your children to pesticides that ‘kick in’ the full-blown disorder, irregularities in the brain and genetics. Well, thank you for that fucking list – which was really nothing more than another load of wasted fucking print on a blank screen. Yes, there is a definite, indisputable need to understand why there is an increase in the cases of autism, and yes there is a definite, indisputable need to know how best to help those who are diagnosed with it. There is also a need, though, for us to learn from these children and to see them as incredibly precious gifts, not anomalies or something that should be relegated to the Island of Misfit Toys; they and many other children with similar challenges have an incredibly pure perspective on all issues, a way of processing and prioritizing and identifying with the world around them that can teach us so very much.

DATELINE: IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE, GETTING HIT WITH THE BIBLE BELT – Oh, to be a student in the Halton, Ontario, Catholic school system, where you can learn from the top that being gay and being a nazi are pretty much one and the same. The Ministry of Education for the province put forward a new policy that said if there was a request from the students for a club or organization within the school to promote inclusion and equity – how the hell dare they suggest something so realistic and acceptable, and even sensible? The Halton Catholic School Organization saw the problem with this plan immediately, though, and had their own vote at the school board level where it was determined the Gay-Straight Alliance would not be permitted. Why? You might ask. Well, because being Gay is ‘not within the teaching of the Catholic Church.’ In her explanation to the press, board chairperson Alice Anne LeMay pointed out that they did not allow ‘Nazi groups either’. Despite provincial policy, the Catholic Church will attend to its own flock, with its own agenda, deciding what will be appropriate than 'condoning the action of gays and lesbians’ because, after all, the church loves to teach that sex is intended ONLY for the procreation purposes – unless you are some asshole pedophile priest or the bishop/ cardinal/ pope who just sweeps that little technicality under the fucking rug. Perhaps while teaching tolerance and acceptance, as they claim to do on a daily basis, they should create a new course – Crusades 101 – because nothing says acceptance and tolerance like those peaches did.

DATELINE: HAVING A WIENIE ROAST IN FLORIDA – Victoria Eltonya Bynes is one lady you do not want to piss off. Just ask her boyfriend, Andrew ‘Charred Willie’ Williams if you don’t believe me. Bynes, pissed at Williams for some reason no one really seems to be able to grasp just yet, sprayed his wee willie with gasoline while, as happenstance would have it, flicking her bic, and set his genitals on fire. Is this the new Lorena? Hell no! Lorena whacked, and proudly announced what she had done, taking credit for her accuracy with a knife. Bynes, however, played it coy. At first, she had no idea why police were at her home after they found Williams writhing in pain on the ground, unable to even speak. Then she caved, saying that she just happened to pick up the plastic bottle of gasoline, just happened to start shaking the bottle in one hand, and playing with her lighter in the other hand, and happened to spray him with gasoline. Well, pfffft, that is totally understandable. When something like that happens, there is really only one fucking thing to do – and Byrnes did just that; she dropped the lighter on Williams, watched him catch on fire, and ran like hell, explaining to the police that he looked just fine to her when she left. I suppose you gotta admit that the girl has balls – you just don’t want to speculate about who the hell she probably ripped them from.

DATELINE: IN THE HALLWAY, CELEBRATING A VOICE OF REASON – Hats off to chairman and CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, for stepping up to the plate and setting an example that should be heeded and repeated by every other fucking media outlet on the continent. In an interview with Russell Simons of GlobalGrind.com, Ailes is quoted as saying ‘I told all our guys, shut up, tone it down, make your argument intellectually. You don’t have to do it with bombast. I hope the other side does that.” Thank you for being the only one with the brains and the cojones to actually acknowledge that no matter how you argue it, the media definitely had a roll in what happened in Arizona this past weekend. He acknowledged that it was wrong, that they are all, both those with red banner and those with blue banners flying over their newsrooms, wrong, and it was unconscionable for anyone to use the deaths of these people or the shooting to make political hay or to help boost Nielson ratings points. Finally a voice of reason, while the likes of Sarah Palin hide away, sending emails that decry the bum wrap she has received for her gun-toting tough-talking take aim at anything you don’t like or agree with bullshit. Perhaps now, maybe, if others follow in Ailes footsteps, we can have some real, honest, sensible and necessary political debate that will actually be listened to, rather than the shouting theatrics of those who come across as nothing more than pure lunatics. We are in need of real political discussion, discussion that is not shouted at us or implies that if we don’t totally agree, we MUST be idiots. It’s time to have those discussions, without the colored banners overhead, and for all voices to be heard.

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – AUGUST 21st, 2010 ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF-CRAP DAY

DATELINE: STRIPPING AND STRUTTING FOR KENNEDY -- There are some things I will never fucking understand... like in April when Erykah Badu, the grammy-winning soul singer, stripped, dropped and rolled in the middle of Dealey Plaza. She did it to re-enact the moment of the assassination of John F Kenney for the end of a music video. She did it in an area open to the public, with families and children watching as they passed by. Now, I get artistic fucking licence, but what the fuck is she on? Stripping, singing, dancing, dropping to the ground... what she did was described as a ‘walking striptease’; I don’t seem to recall any of that shit happening in Dallas’ Dealey Plaze in 1963. I guess, though, nothing says Kennedy like a fucking strip act on what some might consider hallowed ground. She has now been found guilty of disorderly conduct, was fined $500 and was sentenced to six month’s probation. Now, true artistry would be Bambi doing that. It would be something none of those kids would ever fucking forget.

DATELINE: TWITS FOR TWATS – You will need to fucking sit down for this one, because if this isn’t the greatest fucking news ev-er, I don’t know what the hell is. Lady Gaga is about to pass Brittney Spears! Yes, she will soon have more twitter followers than anyone else in the whole fucking planet!!! Squeeeee!! People... get a fucking life! There is shit happening out there that needs to be dealt with and airhead tweets from airhead twits really moves us no closer to world peace, an end to starvation or abso-fucking-lutely closer to anything of any god damned value or consequence.

DATELINE: SKYROCKETING TO REALITY SHOW FAME – Well, okay, Reality Show Fame is a reach, I know, but you get what the hell I mean. Steven Slater, the slide jumping, beer snatching increased-cabin-pressure Sky Blue flight attendant who popped an artery last week has reported landed a fucking reality TV show gig. He will be helping people quit their jobs. Well, whoop-de-fucking-do for him. We want to watch all these people tell off their bosses, thumb their noses and slide down a fucking emergency chute. I have to wonder who the fuck is going to help all these people who Slater helps quit get a new fucking job, or will they all end up filling the flatscreen? What the fuck happened to us as a society that we will make no-talent dumbass fucking television programs out of anything? I realize it saves the networks on having to pay real people to do real fucking things with some modicum of real talent, but seriously, what the hell is wrong with the rest of us that tune this crap in?

DATELINE: DANCING ON DANNY WEBSTER’S GRAVE AND WATCHING HIM ROLL – It is a great fucking day when new words are added to the dictionary! We should all celebrate new words... erudite additions to the daily lexicon of society, and shit like that. So, without any ado, I give you some of the 2000 new words added to the Oxford Dictionary (yes, I know its Oxford and not fucking Webster, but Webster worked better for the dateline, so get over it, alright). *Insert Drum Roll Here* I give you... Vuvuzela, thanks to a fucking soccer tournament; Overleveraged, courtesy of the wonderful people of Wall Street; bargainous, which I am sure has to fucking appear in at least one George W Bush speech; Defriend, that sweet term created by Facebook for us to annihilate those who piss us off (I fucking LOVE this key and wish we could have one in real life too); Tweetup, which thanks to Twitter no longer means giving it to an annoying fucking yellow bird; Bromance, for those really really really close but still manly men; Buzzkill, Cheeseball, Chillax, Frenemy, and to explain those celebrity moments of incredibly bad judgment, we now have Wardrobe malfunction. Now I know we can all fucking rest easier because these are ‘real’ words.

DATELINE: BITCH-SLAPPING BITCHES – Dr. Laura Schlessinger quit her show. Thank God! It was about fucking time because while there were tidbits of vague common sense in what she said, for the most part it was a load of crap, and her tirade last week is just more proof of that fucking pudding. Watching her on interviews, I have to say that while she was incredibly unbelievably superior and condescending to the woman who called in to her show, she has been that way with absolutely every fucking person who has interviewed her for the media. If the bitch goes on once more about being interrupted when she is talking bullshit drivel, I am gonna reach through the screen and slap her. Seriously, how the hell fucking important does this bitch think she is. So... to my fucking delight... enter Sarah Palin, with the advise to Dr. Laura to ‘Don’t Retreat – Reload!’ Yes, lets pick the momsy cutesly little sound bite because why not defend TWO amendment rights in three words... of course, when it comes to the one about freedom of religion, well.... pfffft. Who gives a rat’s fucking ass about that one! The fact that Schlessinger bitch-slapped Palin two years ago when she was announced as the McCain’s running mate only adds to the irony of the whole damned thing. Sarah, hon, go pour yourself a cup of tea... Dr. Laura has done more than enough damage to her reputation. She probably doesn’t need you to add to her troubles.

DATELINE: OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND, BUT WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW? -- Mel Gibson argued in court that he cannot get by without his $7.2million ‘slush fund’ that he created to support his lifestyle. This is part of his argument regarding how much money the mother of his latest baby might be entitled to in her divorce from this colossal prick. $7.2M in a fucking slush fund? Perhaps if he gave it to Oksana, it would save him years of run-ins with the law. LMFAO! Yeah, right, like that would be a reality check for Gibson. It was reported he spends an average $600,000 a month on his ‘necessities’ and is wanting to limit the amount he pays to his ex-lover and 8-month-old baby to $6000/month. Well, hell, why go fucking crazy? We know that he will do absolutely anything to keep Grigorieva, that money-grubbing user, from ‘just fucking sucking him dry (sic)’. Seems he wasn’t complaining much about her doing that before they broke up. Come on, Mel baby, is it really so much to ask to give her at least enough money to be able to afford body guards to keep you away? She will undoubtedly need them.

DAILY NEWS -- AUGUST 10th, 2010

DATELINE: JETBLUE HELL – A JetBlue flight attendant is in custody this morning after popping a fucking gasket on his last flight. Picture it... the end of a flight from Pittsburgh to JFK. A passenger stands up, grabs a bag from the overhead storage and smacks attendant Steven Slater in the head with it. I have been there. I would be pissy too about getting a god damned suitcase in the head. Slater, however, took pissy to a whole new level. He got onto the plane’s PA system, dropped several ‘f-bombs’ directed to the passenge who refused to apologize for his actions (Can you fucking believe it? He dropped ‘f-bombs’! Fucking awesome!), then grabbed some beer, hit the emergency chute and slid his way into JFK on his ass. It was one hell of a grand exit! Now, you are probably expecting me to go off about this guy, but I won’t. We don’t know what the hell he is dealing with in his life, he didn’t hurt anyone, and actually, I sort of admire his brass. He’s a young guy so the odds are pretty good I would admire his ass as well, as long as he doesn’t wear pants with the waistband dropped down to his fucking crotch... but I digress. I could go on about the fucking rudeness of passengers on planes, all of them with that feeling of superiority, that their business on the plane is so much more important to everyone else on the damned bird. I could, but that is endemic everywhere now. We are too fucking self-absorbed and we don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else, and this passenger is just more proof of this fact. The passenger was an asshat. BUT what I will go off on is the fucking overhead storage in an airplane. We have to now pay to check bags, and it ain’t cheap to do that. All that does is make people want to pack all their stuff in carry-on. Then the damned airlines give precedence to those who have NO carry-on by loading them first. The god damned airlines need to make up their minds about carry-on. My personal preference would be to see NO overnight bags, small suitcases, hockey bags, gym bags, back packs... none of that crap should be on there. You have a teeny tiny aisle that only Twiggy or a stewardess can get down without having to walk sideways! There is not enough room for every one of those idiotic passengers to be stopping to put their precious crap overhead. Check the fucking bags, people! It takes all of five extra minutes at the end of your flight to pick the fucking thing up. If we didn’t have to stand for twenty minutes in the cramped aisles, all hunched over, watching some five-foot-nothing broad trying to cram her entire wardrobe onto a shelf she can’t even reach, we might all be in a better mood for the fucking flight.

DATELINE: IN THE LAND OF THE FUCKING FROZEN BRAIN – Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin’s baby, is planning to run for the office of Mayor formerly held by his pistol-packing pinheaded political nightmare almost-mother-in-law. Not only is this a huge fucking joke, but he is planning to do it in front of the media, in a reality show called Loving Levi:The Road to the Mayor’s Office... and NO, sadly I am not making this shit up. So we have a teenaged celebrity-whore kid with raging hormones and teenage-father celebrity, who has already broken off his engagement to the Palin progeny twice, and he wants to run a city? Gimme a fucking break! He does not have the ability to run a shit-house detail for a household of one. He can’t make a decision, he can’t stick to a decision... but of course he has been around that Palin charm, charisma, logic... those rallying cries of the family matriach for the government to ‘incentivize’ job growth, (yes, Sarah Palin apparently went to the George W Bush School of Language and Made-Up Fucking Words) and perhaps he has now perfected that homey self-righteous eye-roll necessary to admonish those, including school teachers, who do not agree with Sarah Palin when she extolls the need for protecting the constitution because the constitution requires protecting for it to remain constitutionally constitutional. Ya know, this poor Levi kid needs get the fuck out of Alaska and get a life away from Palin’s Dysfuction Junction and Politico/PR Whore House. Someone please remind me to thank fucking John McCain for sharing his wonderful Wasilla find with the world.

DATELINE: AT A TURKEY SHOOT – What better way to celebrate your wedding than opening up with a fucking AK-47 and shooting your new father-in-law and two aunts. It’s sort of the low-budget rewrite of Three Weddings and a Funeral, just in reverse... or something. The groom who has not been identified (assume though that his bride calls him ‘Yer Ass Is Grass!’) lost control of his AK-47 as he fired it into the air, killing the three, injuring eight others. The Turks argue that this firing of bullets into the air is traditional there, has been happening for generations. An AK-47? Give me a fucking break. For starters, the damned weapons were only invented in the late 1940’s – certainly NOT generations ago. But that’s beside the point. The point is that people need to learn that a gun is most definitely a valuable tool, more to some than others (Sarah Palin requires one to post for political posters and her Christmas Greeting Cards). A gun is NOT an extension of a man’s penis. The extent of a man’s ‘endowment’ is not at all relative to the barrel size of a rifle. Seriously, guys, you are better off showing your stuff in a pair of Speedo’s, and slightly less dangerous.

DATELINE: WHERE’S THE CHICKEN?! – It takes one hell of a set of nuggets to work the drive-thru in McDonalds in Toledo. Melodi Duschane is now doing 60 days in the big house for going ballistic when she was told she could not have chicken nuggets for breakfast. Seriously... this woman, in a fit of McNugget Rage climbed out of her car, reached through the window, slugged a couple of McDonald’s employees, then smashed the window with a bottle when she threw it... all because of fucking chicken nuggets. It was breakfast! Who the hell eats chicken nuggets for breakfast? It’s like this was the end of the fucking world for this crazy woman. Her excuse... it was new years day and she was drunk. Of course, then that makes it totally different. You gotta love these excuses for what is simply plain old bad fucking behavior. She should be forced to eat fucking McNuggets every meal for every god damned day she spends behind bars.

DATELINE: STARRING IN WHAT IS QUICKLY BECOMING WORSE THAN A B-GRADE SLASHER MOVIE – Just when you thought you heard the last of asshole Mel Gibson, the son of a bitch rises up out of the crap and dishes another dose of asshatted stupidness. It has been revealed that this upstanding peach of a prick has hired two private detectives to ‘visit’ some key witnesses in the upcoming court case regarding the beating of his wife and the custody of his child. This, of course, follows the racist, anti-semitic homophobic asshole comments he has been heard making for the last several years when he is looking for people to blame for the fact that he is... well... an asshole. Amid reports of his PI’s encouraging witnesses to rethink the chain of events they are supposed to be recounting in courts, there have also been reported statements made on various internet sources, claimed to be made by said witnesses, all of which are in disagreement with past testimony. The witnesses however have so far been able to prove the statements inaccurate and are still prepared to testify in court. Poor old Mel’s knee-breakers don’t seem to be working. One has to wonder why the hell there would even be a question about custody of any child. Gibson is not fit to have anything to do with any child, anywhere.

DATELINE: IN A TOTALLY FUCKED UP LAND -- In what is clearly a case of prosecutorial stupidity run amok, a 37-year-old Vancouver construction worker is awaiting judgment regarding some aggravated assault charges. Shawn Woodward was in a bar with some friends. Over the course of the evening, 63-year-old Ritchie Dowrey, approached Woodward repeatedly, propositioning him and even reportedly groping the younger man. Finally Woodward had enough, laid one punch on Dowrey, landing it on his head and knocking him down. Woodward then left the bar, voicing his anger and frustration about the fact that he had been accosted so many times by the gay man. Unfortunately for Woodward, Dowrey suffered permanent brain damage from the punch, so Woodward is looking to serve some time behind bars. This is a tragic thing, brought on completely by Dowrey's asshattedness. Even for guys, fucking No means No, and Woodward had made that very clear several times. I would have reacted the same way if I had been in Woodward's situation because sometimes enough is enough. What is totally outrageous now, though, is that this is being billed as a homophobic Hate Crime... Yes, legislation intended to protect people from blatant vicious attacks based on outright hatred and prejudice has now been bastardized because, in his anger, Woodward pointed out that he was not interested in having sex with a gay man, and presumably referred to the man as a faggot. It was not like Woodward was in the bar baiting someone to beat the crap out, it wasn't as though he was begging for a fight or hunting for trouble. He went in for a drink, was accosted and finally reacted. This is what is wrong with the fucking judicial system... they have the god damned common sense of a fucking cumquat.

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DAILY NEWS – JUNE 3rd, 2010

DATELINE: IN A DICTIONARY UNDER ‘BAG OF DOUCHE’ – We now have concrete proof that twits can in fact tweet. How do we know this? Well, Sarah Palin’s twit from last night sort of removes all doubt. “Extreme Greenies:see now why we push ‘drill,baby,drill”of known reserves&promising finds in safe onshore places like ANWR? Now do you get it?” For starters, I will leave the issue of grammar, punctuation and spacing alone, because it is probably well beyond Ms Palin’s grasp. Instead, we will focus on the message. So... what the fuck is the matter with this stupid stupid stupid woman? NEVER did she specify her ‘drill, baby, drill’ crap had anything to do with on-shore, and NEVER could she possibly pitch drilling in a national wildlife reserve as a ‘safe’ place where environmental issues wouldn’t be a problem. What the hell does she smoke? She has taken a HUGE disaster and is trying to make political hay out of it in the most stupid of ways. Perhaps she could use her 20-year close association with BP to get them off their asses and actually addressing some of the issues and answering some of the questions about why this happened, but no... she prefers to sit and sling mud and claim that destroying yet another sensitive area will be okay, because it’s not under water. She is actually daring to say that by drilling in a wildlife reserve, the situation in the Gulf would not have happened at all? That had she been at the helm telling McCain what to do, the well would not have exploded and oil would not now be gushing into the Gulf of Mexico? Yeah, let’s put her in a position of authority... because she is sooooooo smart and has it all figured out. And in the process, she managed to label anyone concerned about the environment as an ‘extreme greenie’ and blame all of us for what is happening with the Deepwater Horizon. The logic this woman uses is totally fucking astounding. The answer is NOT drilling in more and different sensitive areas for fucking oil... it’s to find alternatives to oil in as many application as possible, and not just to protect the environment, but to protect the people, because the oil companies would do anything they had to in order to make a buck and fuck over the public. Now do you get it??? Pffft. Probably not. She is probably up in her helicopter shooting at wolves and doing other extreme sporty crap like that.

DATELINE: WHERE SELDOM SHOULD BE HEARD, A FEMININE WORD – In a gigantic leap back to the dark ages, chief Rabbi Elyakim Levanon near Nablus actually stated that women could not stand for local election because they lack authority and must be heard only through their husbands’ voices. “The first problem is giving women authority, and being a secretary means having authority,” the rabbi wrote. “Within the family certain debates are held and when opinions are united the husband presents the family’s opinion.” June Cleaver would be so fucking happy with this. “This is the proper way to prevent a situation in which the woman votes one way and her husband votes another.” Okay, so apparently this rabbi needs his ass kicked... preferably by someone wearing stilettos. Me thinks that ole Elyakim has some serious penis issues, because there is no other reason to be so paranoid about letting a woman think and speak for herself. What the hell is she supposed to do when, like so many, her husband is a fucking idiot about a whole lot of things, but is worth keeping around because he can cut the grass? Is she not allowed her own opinion? Where the hell in any religious teaching does it ACTUALLY SAY that women are to be oppressed, abused, insulted and discounted completely from the rest of the world, or that man is the superior in every way imaginable? Someone find me that! This crap is unacceptable from anyone in any religion. Sadly they all seem to fall back on this shit though, which is exactly why we need more women in positions of authority and providing religious and moral guidance... because too many men in these roles just are too damned stupid to handle it. In case it needs clarification, Rabbi Elyakim Levanon is a fucking moron.

DATELINE: WHERE MALE MORON-NESS SPREADS LIKE FUCKING WILDFIRE – Giving the rabbi a run for his money in the Clerical Moron of the Month award, one that really should be locked up in perpetuity by someone in the Catholic Church or by Iranian Imams claiming women cause earthquakes, we present Dr. Izzat Atiya. Atiya issued a fatwa, or religious decree, that women should breast-feed their male colleagues at work at least five times in order to establish a bond to allow them to work together. I think Mr. Atiya has some serious breast issues. He offered it as a means of getting around the issue of segregating the sexes at work, stating that according to Islamic tradition, breast-feeding establishes a degree of maternal relationship, and so applied to grown men, it would also establish a family bond and therefore allow them to work together. Seriously, this guy thought he could get away with this shit? He just wanted to suck on a tit, do some oogling and groping at the same time, and call it a religious rule so it would not be able to be challenged. Sure, lets all walk into work and pop out a boob for some other boob to latch on to in the name of removing the need to segregate the sexes. Perhaps on hot days he could make the women run around first so he could have a fucking milkshake. That any man with even a quarter of a fucking brain could come up with this shit is truly astounding, and sadly sickening as well. Thankfully, however, Egypt’s minister of religious affairs showed that he does have a brain and some class when he ruled that in future, all fatwas have to ‘be compatible with logic and human nature’.

DATELINE: WHERE THERE MIGHT BE JUST A LITTLE MORE ROOM IN THE OLD TROUSERS – Pardon my ignorance, but do condoms really come in a variety of sizes? I thought they were sort of a one-size-fits-all thing, but apparently not so, especially in India, where a recent survey found that regular condoms made to international standards are too big for the men there, and tend to... ‘get lost’ before completing their mission. It has called for more sizes to be made available for men there. Yes, I checked, and the men actually slapped the steak on the old butcher block and got out the tape measures, counting every little millimetre the good Lord gave em. Interestingly enough, though, in a study several years ago, it was found them men in South Africa required more variety as well, although they were looking for the extra-large ones for the more ‘gifted’ man. I know this is important news for all of us, because it could well impact future travel plans for many.

DATELINE: WACKO-JACKO-VILLE – The city of Gary, Indiana is donating land for the Jackson Family Museum and Hotel and the Michael Jackson Performing Arts and Cultural Center and Theatre *gasps for air after going through that fucking title*. They don’t have the money to build any of it yet, but anticipate that will come from investors and donations. Whoop-de-fucking-do. I wonder which one of the kids Joe Jackson had to sell out to get this set up.

DATELINE: WONDERS DOWN UNDER – The Prime Minister of New Zealand slipped in a news conference and told the world that he has had a vasectomy. It was a funny response, but seriously, does this deserve two days of international news coverage?

May 1st, 2010 - ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DAILY NEWS – MAY 1st, 2010

ARTSY FARTSY FLUFF CRAP DAY

DATELINE: PANHANDLING ON A STREET CORNER NEAR YOU -- Hang on while I pass out the crying towels, cause you are gonna need em now. Stephen Baldwin, the youngest of the arguably ‘famous’ Baldwin acting brothers, is making an appeal for the public to bail him out. After a life of excess and entitlement, drugs and drinking and bad behavior, on the advice of his housekeeper, Baldwin has found God. Sort of ironic how once again the mention of finding God and a hand reaching out for money go together in slapstick stereotypical fashion. Baldwin claims that because of his newfound faith, he has been denied acting roles and income opportunities. Apparently a vow of poverty is not always a part of finding religion. His beliefs have caused him to go bankrupt… so he claims. Don’t get me wrong; I admire anyone who changes their ways, who manages to overcome some demons. Now all Stephen Baldwin needs to do is grow a set of fucking balls, and learn to stand up and fucking get a job like the rest of us. FACT: Bad shit happens to good people; the difference is that when it happens to ordinary people, we have to learn to just fucking deal with it. Welcome to the real word, Stevie.

DATELINE: SLEAZEBALL HALL OF FAME -- Keep the hankies handy for this one too. Rielle Hunter, in her interview with Oprah this week, says that she feels people have a negative opinion of her because of her affair with married former North Carolina Senator John Edwards, aka Major Fucking Sleaze of the Year. Despite her monumental testament to the quality of some blondes, we will give her one moment to recover from the DUH affect of that statement. Seriously? I don’t. I think the two of you totally deserve each other. Hell, have a three-way with Kate Gosselin and make a real statement about the pathetic lives of women desperate for a man AND the limelight so they can then throw an eternal fucking pity party for themselves. I think you and John are a perfect match, saving two other people from abject hell, so please, have at er, have some fun, just do it where we don’t have to fucking watch, okay? FACT: Any man that will do it with you will, eventually, do it to you, so be prepared Rielle, for when the next hard-up bimbo walks starts looking for a moral-less, feckless John.

DATELINE: HEADING FOR POTENTIALLY PERFECT RERUN LAND -- There are some stories that are just too fucking great in their ridiculous incongruities to pass up. Enter… Sarah Palin and her former pageant competitor, Maryline Blackburn. Blackburn, already a singer and performer, who has in fact performed twice at the White House, has decided to enter the political ring in the state she has called home for the last 24 years – Georgia. Now, perhaps it is the writer in me, but I see one hell of a movie in the making here. The two meet in the Miss Alaska Pageant 1984. Blackburn wins the title, while Palin, Sarah Barracuda, takes… wait for it because this one is a killer… Miss Congeniality. Yes, it’s okay. I had to change my pants after reading that too. Blackburn will run on the Democratic ticket in Georgia, but seriously, can you see in 8 years when Palin and Blackburn end up on the ballot for PODUS against each other?? Seriously, writers could not make this crap up, so it will probably happen, and when it does, it’s to be hoped that Blackburn again takes the title and finally slam-dunks the Palin presence in politics permanently out of the ring.

DATELINE: UP YER NOSE -- It is the most amazing scientific breakthrough of our time – nose spray for men that will help them find their more empathetic side. Just one squirt up each nostril and studies show that men suddenly have the ability to think and react like a woman – ALWAYS a good thing. It’s about time! Studies showed that men in the test sample were better able to learn from positive feedback, were more empathetic and emotional when reacting to pictures of children hugging puppies. It improves social response and the receiving of social cues. The ‘Cuddle Hormone’, oxytocin, is naturally produced, more in women than men, obviously, and is a major component to strengthening the bond between mother and baby, but hopes are this can be used to help treat people with social disorders, as well as those insensitive clods that forget our birthdays and anniversaries. Ladies, I will stay on top of this story for you, and will alert you the moment this is available for purchase. Just a shot or two before he wakes up in the morning, and you will have one hell of a great day!

DATELINE: NONE OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS – Sandra Bullock is getting a divorce and has adopted a beautiful wonderful baby. She has been through enough. Leave her alone and let her get on with her life, raising her family and entertaining us with her movies. As for Jesse, it is reported he is looking sad and dejected. Tough shit. Suck it up, baby.

DATELINE: HEAVEN – It’s two weeks away, ladies… not that I am counting or anything… until the new Russell Crowe movie is released. He has the lead role in the movie Robin Hood and you know what that means – he will be wearing tights! As proven from the many viewings of Gladiator, that man can wear a skirt and pull it off just fine… more than fine… absolutely totally fucking awesomely! As an added bonus, Canada’s Great Big Sea lead singer, Alan Doyle, will be making his film debut as crooner/story teller Allan A’Dayle.

**THANK YOU MISS HAILEY FOR THE CREATIVE TOUCH.