DAILY NEWS – MARCH 3rd , 2011

DAILY NEWS – MARCH 3rd , 2011

DATELINE: PACKING UP AND HEADING TO NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY – School has cum one hell of a long way since I went there. They sure as hell did not have live sex-toy demonstrations as part of a lecture, but then I never had Professor John Michael Bailey as a teacher. Following a question-and-answer session about fetishes, he arranged for a live demonstration of a woman (who was not part of the student body) being stimulated with a ‘motorized sex toy’ on stage. Why? According to the good professor, because ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but watchin naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you’. That was certainly Tony Soprano’s take on the subject as well. What the professor seems to lack in wit and panache, he more than makes up for in finding new ways to ‘fuck the dog’ at work. I think the demonstration has much less to do with bones, and more to do with boners… the prof’s boners. Nothing like wanking off at work, on the boss’s dollar, no less; one has to wonder what the value of the demonstration was over what the students would find on any of the porn movies they pick up on satellite. It would be interesting to know how many of the students took any notes during the demonstration, although I expect far too many hands were otherwise occupied. I think it should be an annual event… bring your dildo to school day, if set for close to the end of the academic year, might go a long way to reducing drop-out figures. According to Northwestern, Bailey’s human sexuality class is a popular one, bring in 622 students this semester, although one could chalk that up to the list of required reading materials by Hugh Heffner.

DATELINE: LIVING WHERE A CHILD’S LIFE IS WORTH NOTHING MORE THAN A SLAP ON THE WRIST – In 2003, two-year-old Emmily Mendieta was beaten to the point of going into convulsions. Her body was covered with bruises when she arrived at Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children. After ten agonizing days, she died. Yesterday, her mother, Erika Mendieta, now 34, was found guilty of the death and was sentenced to… wait for it… six years. It gets better though… because she served some time in the slammer before her conviction, she will only have to serve four years and nine months. Let me repeat this for those, like the ones in the fucking legal system here, who did not understand… this woman beat her own child to death nine years ago. For starters what the hell is going on that it takes nine fucking years for this shit to be dealt with, but that concern is really minor compared to the fact that SHE BEAT HER OWN CHILD TO DEATH. Did she then stand there, beside the bed in the children’s hospital, weeping pitifully and wringing her hands as she watch, for ten days, as her child suffered and died? There is absolutely NO excuse for a woman to kill her own child, to beat her child, to make her child suffer. For her to get 6 years is absolutely fucking criminal. If she had been the father of the child, would she have gotten a harsher sentence? People, she beat her child to death. She should never see the light of fucking day again, should never have access to children again. I have no idea how the hell fucking judges are able to sleep at night.

DATELINE: BEING GUTLESS FUCKING COWARDS HIDING BEHIND THE FIRST AMENDMENT – In keeping with the themes of assholes on the bench and dildos in the spotlight, enter Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church. This would be that colossal fuck-head who believes it is his god-given right to use other’s grief as a stage for his own hate-mongering diatribes. In its case before the Supreme Court, the church argued they had the right of freedom of speech to promote their ‘broad-based message on public matters’. This apparently gives them the right to attend private funerals for soldiers and scream about ridding the world of homosexuals. This gives them the right to threaten to attend the funeral of a little girl, the victim of an Arizona gunman, because her family was Catholic and apparently, according to Phelps, God does not like Catholics. Fred Phelps and his band of assholes harass and inflict extreme emotional distress on families, but that’s okay… they have the right to do that. Carrying signs that spew such crap as “Thank God for dead soldiers”, “God blew up the troops” and “AIDS cures fags” is perfectly within their right. Now that the WBC has been given this official blessing, they have vowed to be much more active, conducting more pickets at more funerals. It should be noted that the reason they target specifically soldiers is because the soldiers ‘deserve to die’ because they fight for a country that tolerates homosexuality. They dare to target those who unconditionally put their lives on the line to provide a blanket of security and protection – they are vile, despicable people who don’t understand that rights are actually nothing more than hard-fought, hard-one privileges that Fred Phelps and his ilk do not deserve. Would their actions be less tolerated though, if they were opposed to their country tolerating Semitism or Integration of the races instead of homosexuality? Discrimination and hate monger should not be tolerated on any level, and I am sorry, but that is all that Fred Phelps and his ‘church’ are about.

DATELINE: CORNWALL, WHERE APPARENTLY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IS FUCKING NEWS – Darrell Duffill, 54, shot a donkey named Claude in the head with an air rifle, because he was mad at his sister and he had down half a bottle of rum. Yes, this was fucking news on the BBC. Claude was ten years old. We do not know if Claude was perhaps sleeping with Darrell’s wife, which admittedly could cause some consternation for a bloke, knowing that donkeys are, apparently, hung like horses. We do not know if perhaps Claude was cheating on him with some other farmer. There is nothing here but a dead fucking donkey being news. We are left to assume that Claude was very very special, perhaps The Donkey with the Golden Dong. Oh to live if fucking Cornwall.

DATELINE: GOING HUNTING WITH .22CAL CHOCOLATE – Ever wonder about that perfect gift to give the insane, maniacal gun fanatic in your family? Looking for that perfect Tony Soprano mobster friend valentines present? Thanks to good friend Mariah, we have been alerted to ChocolateAmmo.com, a website that offers a ‘complete arsenal of edible weaponry for those special occasions’. They have shotgun shells filled with peanut butter and a choco-glock gun, the perfect compliments to the chocolate hand grenade. Nothing like sending a cholesterol bullet straight to the heart, signed with love. Is there really a special occasion that would benefit from fucking chocolate guns? I have no idea who thinks of this crap, but seriously, I am glad they don’t live in my god damned neighborhood (although up here, I have no doubt they would have to be properly and legally registered, and purchased with the appropriate fucking Firearms Acquisition Certificate). Thanks, Mariah! I will sleep better, now that I have that chocolate mess under my pillow ;).

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DAILY NEWS -- JANUARY 12th, 2011

DATELINE: CRAWLING OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK, PLANNING TO MAKE AN ALREADY HORRENDOUS SITUATION EVEN WORSE – While some families watch, wait, and silently celebrate the improved conditions of loved ones shot and injured in front of that Tucson grocery store, and others prepare with much confusion and pain to put their loved ones to rest, enter that fucking despicable excuse for a human being, Reverend He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Because-I-Refuse-To-Give-Him-Any-More-Free-Publicity and his gang of wacked-out hoodlum Holier-Than-Thou’s, preparing to disrupt the funeral of nine-year-old shooting victim Christina Green. Has that family not been through enough hell already? Has Tucson not been through enough? That legislation has to be drawn up on the spur of the moment to allow a family some modicum of respect while they grieve is yet another sad, discouraging chapter in this already sickening story. That any group, let alone one that claims to have a religious purpose, would celebrate what happened on the weekend and use it as a pulpit for their own fucked-up agenda is staggering. That there is a faction out there who actually makes financial contributions to this fucking asshat so he can travel the country spreading his little bit of up-yer-ass sunshine is beyond disgusting. Fred, hon, my prayer is that your day in the headlines is over. You have made more than enough people’s agony your ecstasy, and I have no doubt when your time comes Karma is going to be one hell of a hot bitch for you.


DATELINE: IN A LAB SNIFFING THE CHEMICALS – There are few things that piss me off as much as people taking advantage of those dealing with medical conditions or diseases. Okay, there is a whole hell of a lot that pisses me off, but this one is rather near the top of the list. When someone comes up with a snake-oil cure for cancer or the waving of chicken intestines as a cure for MS, I get just slightly fucking irritated. In the wave of the clusterfuck that was Doctor Wakefield’s study linking autism to the MMR vaccine, which should by now be totally debunked, we are now treated with a list of ‘possible causes’ instead of the MMR booster. Believe me, I saw the headline and I immediately ran to the report, wanting to know just what it is that causes this condition in so many children now. The offering was nothing less than walking into a weekend Smorgasbord at the damned roadside hotel… so parents can pick the thing that they ‘did wrong’ that brought about this plight on their child. The list included things like waiting too long to get pregnant (the over 50 set), taking drugs like Thalidomide while pregnant, exposing your children to pesticides that ‘kick in’ the full-blown disorder, irregularities in the brain and genetics. Well, thank you for that fucking list – which was really nothing more than another load of wasted fucking print on a blank screen. Yes, there is a definite, indisputable need to understand why there is an increase in the cases of autism, and yes there is a definite, indisputable need to know how best to help those who are diagnosed with it. There is also a need, though, for us to learn from these children and to see them as incredibly precious gifts, not anomalies or something that should be relegated to the Island of Misfit Toys; they and many other children with similar challenges have an incredibly pure perspective on all issues, a way of processing and prioritizing and identifying with the world around them that can teach us so very much.

DATELINE: IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE, GETTING HIT WITH THE BIBLE BELT – Oh, to be a student in the Halton, Ontario, Catholic school system, where you can learn from the top that being gay and being a nazi are pretty much one and the same. The Ministry of Education for the province put forward a new policy that said if there was a request from the students for a club or organization within the school to promote inclusion and equity – how the hell dare they suggest something so realistic and acceptable, and even sensible? The Halton Catholic School Organization saw the problem with this plan immediately, though, and had their own vote at the school board level where it was determined the Gay-Straight Alliance would not be permitted. Why? You might ask. Well, because being Gay is ‘not within the teaching of the Catholic Church.’ In her explanation to the press, board chairperson Alice Anne LeMay pointed out that they did not allow ‘Nazi groups either’. Despite provincial policy, the Catholic Church will attend to its own flock, with its own agenda, deciding what will be appropriate than 'condoning the action of gays and lesbians’ because, after all, the church loves to teach that sex is intended ONLY for the procreation purposes – unless you are some asshole pedophile priest or the bishop/ cardinal/ pope who just sweeps that little technicality under the fucking rug. Perhaps while teaching tolerance and acceptance, as they claim to do on a daily basis, they should create a new course – Crusades 101 – because nothing says acceptance and tolerance like those peaches did.

DATELINE: HAVING A WIENIE ROAST IN FLORIDA – Victoria Eltonya Bynes is one lady you do not want to piss off. Just ask her boyfriend, Andrew ‘Charred Willie’ Williams if you don’t believe me. Bynes, pissed at Williams for some reason no one really seems to be able to grasp just yet, sprayed his wee willie with gasoline while, as happenstance would have it, flicking her bic, and set his genitals on fire. Is this the new Lorena? Hell no! Lorena whacked, and proudly announced what she had done, taking credit for her accuracy with a knife. Bynes, however, played it coy. At first, she had no idea why police were at her home after they found Williams writhing in pain on the ground, unable to even speak. Then she caved, saying that she just happened to pick up the plastic bottle of gasoline, just happened to start shaking the bottle in one hand, and playing with her lighter in the other hand, and happened to spray him with gasoline. Well, pfffft, that is totally understandable. When something like that happens, there is really only one fucking thing to do – and Byrnes did just that; she dropped the lighter on Williams, watched him catch on fire, and ran like hell, explaining to the police that he looked just fine to her when she left. I suppose you gotta admit that the girl has balls – you just don’t want to speculate about who the hell she probably ripped them from.

DATELINE: IN THE HALLWAY, CELEBRATING A VOICE OF REASON – Hats off to chairman and CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, for stepping up to the plate and setting an example that should be heeded and repeated by every other fucking media outlet on the continent. In an interview with Russell Simons of GlobalGrind.com, Ailes is quoted as saying ‘I told all our guys, shut up, tone it down, make your argument intellectually. You don’t have to do it with bombast. I hope the other side does that.” Thank you for being the only one with the brains and the cojones to actually acknowledge that no matter how you argue it, the media definitely had a roll in what happened in Arizona this past weekend. He acknowledged that it was wrong, that they are all, both those with red banner and those with blue banners flying over their newsrooms, wrong, and it was unconscionable for anyone to use the deaths of these people or the shooting to make political hay or to help boost Nielson ratings points. Finally a voice of reason, while the likes of Sarah Palin hide away, sending emails that decry the bum wrap she has received for her gun-toting tough-talking take aim at anything you don’t like or agree with bullshit. Perhaps now, maybe, if others follow in Ailes footsteps, we can have some real, honest, sensible and necessary political debate that will actually be listened to, rather than the shouting theatrics of those who come across as nothing more than pure lunatics. We are in need of real political discussion, discussion that is not shouted at us or implies that if we don’t totally agree, we MUST be idiots. It’s time to have those discussions, without the colored banners overhead, and for all voices to be heard.